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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel really shit posting this but here goes

178 replies

Flippedout · 14/05/2019 22:41

Should I know how much we can save a month as a family ( for a house ) when my OH is the bread winner ?

I don’t think he appreciates my asking him about the family budget .

He pays all the bills as I’m SAHM , but I have worked and had career before kids and have made major financial contributions to current house , and I have put a large sum aside for future house move too .

OP posts:
specterlitt · 14/05/2019 23:07

is*

GabsAlot · 14/05/2019 23:07

Yes i dont work but the account is a joint one and i sort out all the bills-he has no problem with me taking money out when i want (im better at budgeting than he is)

you should at least know what sort of budget you both have

MsPavlichenko · 14/05/2019 23:07

He's relying on you to provide the child care that enables him to work. Saving him thousands on child care. I assume you also do domestic work over and above. Again saving him paying to have it done.

That's the approach to take. You ate both contributing financially.

BackToDecember · 14/05/2019 23:07

Yeah, there is no good reason he shouldn't be forthcoming on this and why you shouldn't have access to that info yourself. Only bad reasons to hide it

jessicawessica · 14/05/2019 23:09

He sounds exactly like my EXDH.
Oh dear, that;s not good.

notangelinajolie · 14/05/2019 23:09

Yes you should do the money together. Unless of course you're my DH whose eyes glaze over every time I get my calculator out Hmm

Original poster
Flippedout · 14/05/2019 23:12

My savings are in my account and I know how much I’ve got and he knows too . We have 3 very young ones . I’ve just been trying to work out how much we can add with his earning but I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall talking to him about it . He’s just really evasive and snappy . I’ve even tried to ask if he wants to move at all and buy bigger place ....

I’ve seen amazing houses with him that we can afford and he just finds what feels like petty excuses and doesn’t want to do it .

He says he’s too busy to move houses again ( with work ) but house prices are rising and we do have money we can put down now ! At least I know what I’ve got .

I try to ask him what he thinks we can save and it’s a really awkward conversation....we don’t shout at each other but a very tense discussion

OP posts:
sansou · 14/05/2019 23:13

Is there any reason why you can't manage the bulk of the household finances as a SAHM since you have more time and obviously the inclination?

Unless there are more complex circumstances like being a blended family or the relationship starting with a huge financial disparity, it's always easier/makes sense to have transparency regarding joint finances in a long term committed relationship.

Original poster
Flippedout · 14/05/2019 23:14

There’s no other complications .

Aside from I used toward more than him and now he earns more than I ever will ( probably )

OP posts:
Original poster
Flippedout · 14/05/2019 23:15

*i used to earn more than him...

OP posts:
Aw12345 · 14/05/2019 23:15

He doesn't pay a (huge!) Nursery bill because he is lucky enough to have you at home!

You should definitely know about the finances and the contribution you're making is massive, don't forget that 🙂

sansou · 14/05/2019 23:18

If you don't have a joint account, you need one otherwise, you need access to his account. You can't budget/save/cut back, etc if you don't know the numbers can you? It's not rocket science. He's treating you like a child - don't let him.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/05/2019 23:18

I also feel like a gold digger asking because I’ve never relied on anyone before

And you aren't, because he - and your three children - are relying on you.

Do you have a joint account? How do you pay for things? Do the bank statements come in the post, or are they online? You need access to all the documents as of right, and not to rely on him telling you.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 14/05/2019 23:19

Yes you should know
His behaviour is shady
I have a friend - no kids! Whose husband was similar and eventually she got there (it took a year!!) they did have savings but not as much as she assumed.

It’s fairly simple... how much is in the savings account?
I want a joint account and going forward your salary is paid into that... agreed?
If not, you should push this if he is hiding something it’s Better to find out sooner rather than later.

I

Original poster
Flippedout · 14/05/2019 23:20

I don’t feel like I’m making a massive contribution .

Every day my confidence is dropping lower and lower and sometimes I feel like walking out .

I used to dream about the sort of house I wanted and for many years he just didn’t want to buy a house even though I had money saved , and then when we finally did he didn’t want s big house .

With three kids I don’t want to live in a small house anymore, I’m starting to think he doesn’t want to be with me and I’m very angry that my OH has kept putting off buying property even when we DO have deposits and then we watch house prices rise and he wants us to be ‘happy’ in house that doesn’t even fit a dining table .

I feel like I’ve worked and saved for nothing .

Now he Gaza great job , he’s angry I’m asking about a budget , and the more he does it, the more I don’t feel like buying a f*ing house anymore

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/05/2019 23:21

So can you not say

“DH, I’d like to get on top of the finances and planning. Can we sit down with your income and investment details and go through it all?”

What are you worried will happen?

This is pretty much a make-or-break scenario for me with DC if id given up my income.

If he refused in any way I’d be moving on to

“DH, would you rather we discuss your income and investments with a family divorce solicitor?”

NoSquirrels · 14/05/2019 23:23

X-post. So he’s always been super financially ‘cautious’ and that’s tipped over into secretive and controlling?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/05/2019 23:25

This sounds very odd to me. More than odd, suspicious. Could he have debts you don't know about? Because if he keeps trying to throw cold water on a possible move while being snappy when questioned I'd guess he has financial problems.

Ginseng1 · 14/05/2019 23:25

Why are you tip toeing around him? Feels like a) he is hiding something b) he doesn't want to move house at all or c) he feels it's his money n you have no right to see what's there. I would confront him about it. What do you do if you want to make an online purchase or anything do you even have a bank card to access family money?

Original poster
Flippedout · 14/05/2019 23:25

I don’t think he’s controlling ... unless you all do ?

Is this being controlling ? He makes me feel like I’m being controlling for asking .....

OP posts:
sansou · 14/05/2019 23:26

Marriage is a partnership. You need to remind your DH of that. Don't be fobbed off/accept any excuses about not needing to know - you're not a 1950's housewife!

justasking111 · 14/05/2019 23:26

Oh I was a SAHM for a few years, then worked part time. I knew exactly how much money we had, still do, so knew the right time to buy a bigger home which we then discussed. This is very odd behaviour has your DH been depressed or perhaps stepped away from the family for whatever reason. He seems very detached from you at the moment.

jessicawessica · 14/05/2019 23:27

He sounds very evasive (too evasive).
Is he hiding some huge debt or something that he knows means you can't move house?

sansou · 14/05/2019 23:31

You need an honest conversation about financial goals for the future. Ask him where he sees himself and the family in 5/10 yrs and tell him your aspirations.

flopsyandflim · 14/05/2019 23:31

Yes you should know everything.

I’d hate to have to ask for money. Even if he happily gives it to you, I would just want to be an equal and have access to all accounts.

You’ve contributed financially in the past and have now given up a great deal in order to raise his children and take care of other chores which allows him the freedom to earn money without restraints.

Everything should be equal and shared and open.

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