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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to teen pregnancy?

288 replies

DM1209 · 12/05/2019 21:24

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 12/05/2019 21:26

I'd be absolutely horrified and would be hoping they'd have a termination. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

rainbowlovesfroot · 12/05/2019 21:29

I’d be horrified too.

I always wonder where their parents where, especially that their teenager especially below 18 is engaging in unsafe and unprotected sex.

unfortunately, ( in the uk at least ) it tends to be teenagers from a certain backround who have kids that early e.g. parents also had kids that young, low income, not university educated/post 16 educated.

it just makes me sad

Sparklesocks · 12/05/2019 21:30

There are a lot of teen parents who manage well and raise their kids with support from family, but I think the majority of sensible adults would feel the same as you. You can be supportive but still feel disappointed and worry about how this will impact their lives.
It also highlights the importance of ensuring your kids understand safe sex.

13/14 is too young to be having sex, let alone having babies.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/05/2019 21:32

I would damn near frogmarch a child of that age to the clinic.

CodenameVillanelle · 12/05/2019 21:32

Forget being judgemental I'd be fucking furious. Mine is a boy so I'd have no sway on the decision to terminate (though if I had a pregnant daughter of 13-15 I'd be strongly suggesting it) but I'd be beyond furious.
Obviously I'd calm down and be supportive in time but no way would I be pretending it was a good thing.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2019 21:34

On a basicevel, given its ILLEGAL, why wouldn't you want to discourage your children from underage sex regardless of outcome?

It's very odd your friend should be so positive about underage sex.

Bipbopbee · 12/05/2019 21:36

YANBU

Friend kept pushing for your opinion and reasoning and you gave it.
If she didn’t want to hear what you thought she shouldn’t have kept pushing.
I’m with you OP.
I would support my DC but would be very unhappy about this when they were still more or less children themselves.
Age 13/14 they are still in full time education, the bulk of the looking after would fall on the new grandparents.
No teen this age can get a decent job to help finance a baby... different story at age 17.

Passthecherrycoke · 12/05/2019 21:38

It being ILLEGAL is literally the least important thing (it’s not anyway) but I would feels exactly the same as you OP and hope and prey I could influence them into a termination

Original poster
DM1209 · 12/05/2019 21:38

I think it's such a waste of their life at that age and I feel political correctness make it near impossible to voice an opinion that is contrary to 'we are such cool parents because we're best friends with our teen who is now pregnant and we're going to make it work because the alternative isn't an option and it's THEIR life and THEIR choice'.... case in point, 13 and 14 year olds?! And they know what of life and choice not to mention the consequences?

I am trying to raise my children to be tolerant of all people from all walks of life but I do not want them to think that it is ok to get pregnant in their teens, or as a previous poster has said, to even be having sex! And before someone says 'they'll do it behind your back anyway' - that is not enough of a justification to me to be relaxed and nonchalant about it. I am their Mum not their mate and while I am there for them no matter what, I want them to know there are basic expectations and pregnant at 13, or 14 or any other teen is not an option.

OP posts:
Crushedvelvetcouch · 12/05/2019 21:39

I'd be beyond disappointed and upset but not furious.
Teenagers will experiment with sex and often before the age of consent. I'd be upset that they didn't use contraception as I hope to instill it in to them that this is ESSENTIAL if I have even the slightest inkling that they are sexually active.

00100001 · 12/05/2019 21:41

It doesn't matter what I think. My precious innocent baby boy will never have sex Grin

pikapikachu · 12/05/2019 21:42

I'd be disappointed if my teen child/their teen girlfriend was pregnant as a result of not using contraception as they all know what it's for. They know that I would help them get hold of it.

If pregnancy was a result of assault of course my feelings would be very different. I'd be worried about the pregnant teen's mental health as well as her physical one.

If pregnancy was a result of contraceptive failure then I'd feel something in between. I know about the physical and emotional toll of pregnancy but I'd also feel sad for them that they'd been "unlucky". Teens can be good parents but I'd worry that their choices like A-levels and university etc would be postponed as a result.

Bambamber · 12/05/2019 21:43

Your friend shouldn't have asked you how you would feel about the situation if they didn't actually want an honest answer.

I think most parents would be sad for their child to be having a child. The female body usually isn't even fully developed at that age.

00100001 · 12/05/2019 21:44

But really, I'd be scaring the living daylights out of my child.

Asking them pertinent questions like...
how will you pay for baby?
Where are you going to live?
What are you going to do about school?
What kind of parent is your BF/GF going to be? Do you both agree on how to raise a child?
Are you going to breastfeed?
How will you consent for medical treatment for you and your baby at 13/14

And slide in some choices about how they might choose to continue.... Or not I'm afraid

DustyMaiden · 12/05/2019 21:48

No one wishes for their teen to get pregnant. I know I didn’t. I taught my Dd exactly as you say. At 15 she got pregnant, I would never force her into a termination. I supported her in her choice. My DD is at uni, finishing next year. Her DD is lovely. Not the end of the world.

BendingSpoons · 12/05/2019 21:49

Most young teens who get pregnant are probably frightened rather than immediately jumping for joy. Some of those that are happy immediately are likely to lack the emotional maturity to see the impact.

Of course they can step up and be great parents but that doesn't mean it's the ideal.

stucknoue · 12/05/2019 21:50

I would have been incredibly disappointed if mine had procreated young (they have reached adulthood) mostly because they know how to prevent pregnancy, they know they can come to me and we even bought (when appropriate) supplies for the bathroom cabinet they could have access to so that they didn't need to go to the dr or rely on the boy to provide contraception. We took no chances! Only my younger dd has a boyfriend, he's lovely but she knows what she wants in life and it isn't kids!

Korvalscat · 12/05/2019 21:52

YANBU and my reaction would have been the same as Codename Villanelle

NoHolidaysforyou · 12/05/2019 21:52

I would be supportive of my child. I definitely would not be trying to pressure them to have a termination.

My grandfather had his first child at 15, my grandmother was 16, and they survived. It depends on the person with regards to how it turns out. There are some really shit parents out there who are much older, so I don't think age is the end all, be all of it.

girlwithadragontattoo · 12/05/2019 21:52

I have a little experience from the other side. I got pregnant at 17 by mistake with my then long term bf, we'd bee together for 2 years a this point.
My mum was very supportive and eventually i decided to have an abortion.
Best decision i ever made. I'm 33 now and have traveled all over the world, for leisure and work. I don't regret a thing.
I was no way ready emotionally or even in any kind of financial situation to be able to support a child either or even be an adult. A friend had a baby at 19 a couple of years later and she's never been on holiday, doesn't drive, is now looking for a job for the first time and doesn't really have any qualifications or experience of life outside of being a sahm (I'm not knocking this btw). There are so many disadvantages and i personally feel that a teenager needs to be a teenager.

Crushedvelvetcouch · 12/05/2019 21:52

DustyMaiden
I would never force or coerce or heavily favour a termination either.
Its not always the psychologically easier option and I am impressed by your attitude.
I'm sure your GDC is lovely and much loved.

WhatOnPlanetEarth · 12/05/2019 21:54

It’s not ideal at all. But I’m witnessing my mother wash her hands off my underage pregnant sister and it is horrifying. No child deserves that. I did everything to put her off but she was infatuated with the dad and his family and they promised the world so she carried on ... they turned out to be abusive.

It’s shite. It’s really shite.

But to be fair many people don’t really appreciate education until they are older, and my sister is keen to get back into education with the right support.

It’s not the end of the world.

Justlikedevon · 12/05/2019 21:54

I would be horrified. Leave aside the possibility of my child becoming a mother for a minute, I could not have another because (amongst other reasons) I cannot afford it. There is no way in hell I would condone my child having a child I would have to pay for, give up my time, home and energy for.

Niffler25 · 12/05/2019 21:56

I had DS at 18, he's now almost 8 and we have a great life but I would be heartbroken if he followed in my footsteps never mind at age 14!

Bobcut · 12/05/2019 21:58

Your friend is crazy, it’s illegal and they are children, who would want that for their child, for their childhood to go and for them to be responsible for a baby without being financially secure in any way. Ofcourse if it happened you have to deal with it but it’s not something you would think is normal.