To say no to teen pregnancy?

[DM1209]

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

I had my eldest when I was 16, and I completely agree with you OP.
It luckily worked out very well for us though, now she is almost 17 and I’m married, 2 more children, good life - but it was bloody hard work.
We’ve talked at length about how I’d feel if she fell pregnant as young as I did, I had to choose my words carefully, but she knows how difficult it was, and certain things I wasn’t able to do because of having her so young (not that I’d ever regret her, she’s amazing)
Full honesty, I would be so, so disappointed if any of mine were pregnant as a teen. I would obviously love and support them, but it’s not a life I would ever want them to have.

My daughter gave birth in November when she was still 16.

She’s the youngest of my 6 and it was a shock to be honest. We informed the school and they were as shocked as we were. She didn’t fit the ‘stereotype’ of the teen mum. Straight A’s, lots of extra curricular activities. Just the ‘last person they expected it from’. To quote them. She was 16 weeks pregnant at her prom and starting to show. She looked beautiful but I did go home and cry.

We asked her to decide what she wanted to do. She chose to keep the baby. She’s obviously had a lot of support from us. She knows though, that I’m horrified more by the thought she would open herself up to the risk of STDs etc than anything else.

She went into labour at 36 weeks following a norovirus bug. The stress broke her waters. The staff were hard work to be honest. I assume because of her age they were quite dismissive of her. They’d told her she wasn’t in active labour as the monitor didn’t show it and gave her 2 paracetamol. We persuaded them to let her sister stay with her and she gave birth on the ante natal ward with her sister delivering the baby. Apparently she ‘she should have made more fuss’!?! She couldn’t do right for wrong and was treated like a stupid child. I suppose they judged her somewhat.

Because of this her first few days as a mother were filled with drips and antibiotics being pumped into her tiny baby. She had a difficult introduction to parenthood. She suffers from PND and it’s hard to watch your child dealing with that knowing what it feels like.

Our grandson is a gorgeous, healthy 6 month old now. His mother did well in her GCSEs and is now well into her ALevels. She juggles it all well and she is the primary caregiver of her son. She does the sleepless nights, the bugs and the work. We support but he is her baby and she is expected to care for him. She does it well.

Am I disappointed? Not IN her, but FOR her. I think she’ll miss out on a lot. But she’s a smart cookie and I think she’ll do the best for her son.

I had DS1 at 16, almost 17, DS2 and 19 almost 20. And I completely agree with you. It’s worked out incredibly well for me and DH, but it was so difficult and caused so much upset for not only us but our family too. I wouldn’t change anything because my DC are amazing, but I wouldn’t want them to have children young and your life is completely taken away from you.

Your friend is being ridiculous. I would hope if either of mine became parents that young we'd find a way to have a good outcome and the decision about a termination would obviously be completely in the hands of the girl who was carrying the baby but no way would I be internally happy about it and I'll certainly be doing my best in the way of education and discussion to avoid it happening in the first place.

That is in no way meant to be disrespectful to people who have become parents as teenagers and done a wonderful job - I'm in awe of you! I just think being a parent is hard enough as a fully grown adult who's used to being independent why make it that much harder by doing it before then!

I would be devestated if my sons got someone pregnant in their teens. Even more so because actually, as the paternal grandparents there is less you can do to help, or guide the situation.

I would support my son, and the mother as much as I could, financially I’d ensure my son was stepping up as well as pulling his finger out and being a part of the babies life.

But yes, I’d hate, hate for this to happen, yes I do this it’s too much too young, and yes I would be absolutely heartbroken.

Good job my sons will obviously remain virgins until they are 30

I would be devastated if DS became a dad as a teenager. I would be hoping the girl would have an abortion.

I'd be devasted, no doubt about it. If asked about teen pregnancy I'd be very honest and say no for too many reasons to mention.

A child should not be having a child.

I had DS at 15, He's awesome. I had DD at 20, which was probably still a bit too young. So I can't really judge but I would still be really upset if either of mine got pregnant young!

I wouldn't change my children for the world but honestly, if I could go back and choose to wait 10 years before becoming a mum I would, I've coped, I think I've done well, I finished school, went to uni and am doing my masters, I have brilliant DC who are doing well and bar the odd argument about tidying their rooms, homework etc are pretty near perfect but I've had to sacrifice a lot and it has been bloody hard. I don't want my DC to have to do that, I want them to go to festivals with their mates and travel and do all the stuff I missed out on. I want them to be in a stable, happy home before adding the pressure of a baby, if they have kids I want them to be ready and excited about it.

I fell pregnant at 16 (gave birthday at 17) my parents wanted me to abort. They arranged it and I went to the clinic for my first consultation. I went in on my own and they showed me videos and pictures of what happens. It was horrific and I couldn't go through with it. My parents were beside themselves and really didn't want me to go through with it. I did and she's 17 now. And they have a very close and special relationship.

I sometimes watch the 3 of them and think " you wanted me to get rid of her" and for a second it angers me. But now that she is the age I was when I gave birth I understand why they wanted me to do it. It's not the life you want for your child. But if she came to me and told me she was pregnant I would tell her her options and go with whatever she chose. I believe everything happens for a reason.

I would support my DC but would be very unhappy about this when they were still more or less children themselves.

Same here.

I think it really depends, I say this as an 18 year old with a son (11 months). I am lucky, I am (just about) able to afford to rent a house with my DP and we live what I would describe as an ordinary, happy family. I love being a mother to my beautiful son and do my best.

A girl I know of had her daughter at 15 and it is a completely different situation.

While I understand and agree that having a baby when so young is not ideal, it really irritates me when people make assumptions and judgement based on the lone fact we are young parents. I don't think the stereotype is fair. Saying that, I can't imagine DS becoming a father as a teenager, let alone 14!

But really, I'd be scaring the living daylights out of my child.

That's really going to help. How about being supportive and loving?

I would be disappointed for them if it was either of my kids, but I think “waste of life” is a very over dramatic and negative viewpoint. My brother and his gf had a baby when they were both 14. They got married at 18. They have been fantastic parents. Raised their son impeccably. Worked hard and bought land and built their own beautiful home. They have travelled and done absolutely everything they would have done had they not had a child (and they did only ever have the one).They are in their 50s now and still happily married. Was their life “wasted” ? No, not at all.

When I was 18 I was running with a bad crowd. An abusive upbringing had led to that. I was taking drugs, committing crime, and under pressure from higher up gang members to go into prostitution. Then I fell pregnant. I turned my life around completely. Stopped doing all the bad things and focused on my child. I later got a degree and a good career and have travelled extensively. Sometimes being pregnant when young can make you strive for a better life for your child. Honestly, if I hadn’t had children young I most likely would have been a drug addict in and out of prison. So they gave me life, they didn’t take it away from me.

So YABU for the over dramatic comments. But yes I understand why you wouldn’t want it for your kids and I raised my kids to want a different life too. It’s clearly worked as both of mine are nearly 30 now and no sign of any grandkids yet! But it isn’t always the end of the world.

The aunt is being overly defensive because she knows this is an absolute shame & the whole family will now be (rightly or wrongly) judged for it. I would be appalled if my nephew fathered a child at 13. I would be sad for both the children and the poor child they bring into the world.

I wonder if your friend had a teen pregnancy herself and was pressured into terminating it, and that's why she's reacting this way. If my DS were to impregnate someone on the next couple of years, I would be concerned but supportive (because, you know, you can't ethically do anything else. You can't pressure a teenager to terminate a pregnancy, or to go ahead with it - it has to be her choice.)
In general, everyone female is bombarded from a very early age with a lot of conflicting messages about pregnancy - don't do it too young, you'll ruing your life; don't wait too long or it will be too late; contraception is bad for your health; having lots of sex is bad for you in every way, women only put up with sex to make men marry them, etc.

This happened to my DD at 14 and her boyfriend of the same age. I was really upset for them and they decided for the abortion. There was no pressure from anyone it was purely their decision....I was pleased they chose this as I did think that it was for the best in their situation. To this day I think about it and I do feel guilty that I was such a busy mother working full time and being a single parent I was not paying enough attention to what was going on.

I think most people would feel as you do. I do know of two different people, female pregnant at 15, now nearing 40, 3 kids and still married to the father. She had very little support from her parents as I understand it.

The other was a boy who became a dad at 15, now 3 kids and married for 20 years now.

So it turned out ok for them, but it doesn’t for everyone.

Hopefully it won’t happen to DD. If it did I would support her obviously but as I need to work myself, I wouldn’t be able to take over care or provide money, so it would possibly ruin future chances of uni or whatever.

I think most people would feel sad or disappointed and it would be an understandable reaction.

I would not want this for any of my children and hope never to be in this position. It's not a win for anyone, parents, grandparents or baby.

I had my dd at 17.
My dm and df where so supportive to me. They often tell me how good a mum I am to their dgc but at the time of course they where disappoint. They saw my future in a whole different way from what the reality would be.
And if one of my children where to have a child young, I would support them but I would also be sad for the life they could have had.
I do not think you where unreasonable in the slightest.

I am coming at it from a slightly different view. My sister was pregnant as an adult in a new relationship and put under a lot of pressure to have an abortion. She did not and carried the baby to term and then delivered a stillborn baby. She has also then for the rest of her adult life suffered secondary infertility.

Hence if it was either of my DC, I would simply support whatever choice they made.

I would not hope for my child to have a child in her teens, obviously. I would feel sad for her if she did.

But I also think it can feel convenient to think termination is a non-traumatic, or minimally traumatic, option here.

I am pro-choice, always have been, absolutely firmly so. I donate to pro-choice charities. Etc. However, a coerced abortion is an awful thing, and for some pregnant teenagers, a coerced abortion is what they get. I was pregnant at 18, and wanted to keep it, and I was pressured very heavily into a termination. It really traumatised me, and now I'm in my mid-30s, after a string of miscarriages and some evidence I may struggle ever to have a baby, I think it is also something my mother feels rather awful about.

If my DD were pregnant in her teens and decided an abortion was what she wanted, I would do everything to support her, and in all honesty I imagine I would, deep down, be relieved, too. But I don't think it's ever ok to pressure someone into an abortion.

I'd be worried.

I'd be worried about impact on their live opportunties, about them getting derailed, about the GC with parents less settled in life and with fewer resources, and about amount of extra support we'd need to provide - I have other children and things that are on hold for us.

If it was DD them ending single parent, know many great ones but it's harder, and having spoken to some mothers who had kids young the neagtive attitudes even from professionals they may encounter even as a pp said in labour itself, and if DS what kind of relationship he'd end up with with the child.

That's with me knowing with people and families who've had children younger than ideal .

If a termination was decided on I'd worry about impact on them as well going forward.

I think most people would be the same - concerened.

Wow!!! I’d be more than disappointed if my child of 13/14 was pregnant or had gotten a girl pregnant.
I wouldn’t lump all teen pregnancies together- there’s a huge difference between a 16 or 17 year old getting pregnant vs a 13 year old. At 16, i would be supportive of whatever choice. At 13 I’d be absolutely silently praying for an abortion