To say no to teen pregnancy?

[DM1209]

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

Oh FFS. Teenagers have sex. There are thousands of years of human history when it was not just acceptable but praiseworthy to be having babies when you were 14 or 15 or maybe even 13 - the whole concept of 'teenagers' is a pretty modern invention, as is mass education: back in the past, as soon as you were physically mature you were mainly expected to marry and breed. So there is at least some aspect of evolutionary drive to want to have sex when you are, according to current customs, too young.
This isn't to say it's particularly desirable, in social terms, for young teenagers to be having babies these days. but it's not the end of the world, either. I've known people who became parents in their teens who found that, once their kids were grown up, they were still young enough to build careers for themselves. Parenthood, especially the early stages, is hard however old/young you are.
However, being a teenager at the moment is also hard. For all the 'work hard, pass your exams' concept, teenagers who are not stupid see that the so-called bright future ahead if they don't have babies is not necessarily all that bright: zero-hours contracts, massive student debt, the shortage of homes... and the growing threats of fascism and climate change to pile on the anxiety and distress that makes you likely to pursue pleasure and not care about risks.

There is a huge world of difference between a 13/14 year old and a 17 year old! MN is full of tales of 14 year olds who have babies and then go on to become super high earners with terrific jobs who marry Prince Harry's high flying mate or a Cambridge don but the reality for most who do is far, far different.

I always wonder about all these people who say well, the parents have to support the child and her baby I mean, what if these parents still have to do full-time demanding jobs to support the family (,other siblings for example) or have other kids with SEN or they're on benefits and cannot afford another child (since UC won't pay out more for more than 2 kids and 14 year olds cannot claim in their own right) or live in an overcrowded flat in a council with no council housing. You know, what if the parent or parents literally cannot support another baby.

I think terminations the best option for someone so young.

The chances of it working out well are slim.

Well I would be concerned about SS and The Police being involved with 2 underage kids getting themselves pregnant. I would also be distraught at the lack or parenting if they were able to have a sexual relationship under my nose.

And the ignorant, punitive attitude of some posters is immensely depressing. Teenagers having sex is not that big a deal as long as it's consensual: the best way to support your teens is to educate them about contraception (and consent)and make sure they can access contraception should they want to have sex. But those who are stupid enough to try and prevent their kids having any kind of sex education are the ones whose kids are most at risk of having an unwanted pregnancy occur, either because the kids don't know what to do with their own sexual feelings, or because kids with no proper information are easy prey for manipulative adults...

I had ds at 19 and started university a couple of months later, dp was also in university. It was bloody hard work but we done it. Still ended up with good jobs, travelled etc etc. But I’ve always drilled it into ds, if anything happened we would support his and his gf’s decision 100%, but I would be devastated for him. We know how hard it was and that’s not something we’d want him to go through. Thankfully he’s 19 now and very sensible, and I hope he stays that way.

Was just talking to my 13-year-old DD about contraception and termination today, where to get it in town without seeing our GP, what kinds, and lots about consent (we read that book The Gift of Fear together and have looked at a lot on YouTube and even watched things like Sex Education on Netflix together). Our neighbour's daughter had a baby at 15 last year and tbh, it's not going so well. We live in a poor place and her mum has 2 younger siblings with her partner (who's not the girl's dad or her older brother's) and they both have to work full-time and shifts so they can't do the nights and hard stuff with the baby) and also one of the younger ones has SEN that's causing a lot of problems. The girl's out of school now running round.

It's on MN that they all turn out to be CEO of Fortune 500 companies with husbands who are billionaires.

There is a huge world of difference between a 13/14 year old and a 17 year old!

Definitely, which is why I asked how said old teenager was in my post. World of difference between 13 and 17 year old in terms of maturity for example

Teenagers having sex is not that big a deal as long as it's consensual: the best way to support your teens is to educate them about contraception (and consent)and make sure they can access contraception should they want to have sex.

Totally. I still think teen pregnancy is a bad thing.

Parenthood, especially the early stages, is hard however old/young you are.

I think one of the issues though is that at 13/14/15, you're still in full time education. There is no way you can monetarily raise a child yourself, so that's going to fall to the grandparents. Plus all the other considerations about not being emotionally mature enough, less likely to be in a stable relationship with the other parent, etc.

I talk to my daughter about sex, as did my parents . It is not acceptable to be having sex at 13/14 years old in my opinion .
Teenage pregnancy as a result of abuse is an entirely different matter .
I would not allow my daughter to be hanging out around parks at 13/14 either . Thankfully we live quite rurally so that’s not an option for her just as it was never an option for me .
Parents should know where their children are at 13/14 .

And physically, there's a lot of difference between 14 and 17 or older.

Not on MN, Purple, there's a huge thread running about how it's fine for a 12-year-old to be left alone all day because the parent has to work in the summer holidays because in the 70s and 80s it was braw and wonderful. But you're not supposed to charge your adult kids who are still living at home and working FT any rent because you're also supposed to be helping them buy a house.

Reanimated I beg to differ , very young teenagers having sex, even consensual sex is a big deal . They’re not equipped to deal with the fallout should they get pregnant. And going by the number of unplanned pregnancies whilst using contraception posted about on here I think it’s in my child’s interest to understand that abstinence is the best option .
Apart from abuse I still maintain that very young teenagers getting pregnant have shite parents and role models .

At 13, I would strongly encourage my daughter to terminate.

We live in the US where university is incredibly expensive. If we have to support a grandchild, our daughter may have to give up university.

If I have done my job as a parent, she will understand that her education must always come first and terminate an early pregnancy.

Abortion is absolutely the best option at that age and I'd hope my child was smart enough to realise that.
To be honest, a child that didn't realise that definitely does not have the emotional maturity to be a parent anyway.

Thankfully my kids are a lot smarter and aimed a lot higher.

Agree that there is a big difference between a pregnant 13-year-old and a pregnant 19-year-old so don’t like to generalise ‘teen pregnancies’ under one big umbrella- I think there are plenty of 18/19-year-old women who can mentally and emotionally cope with parenthood and having a baby. A 13-year-old, however, is the literal definition of kids having kids.

For some of the posters badmouthing the parents of the teans you do realize that quite a few teen pregnancy's are because of rape!

Look up the statistics it's horrifying,I know of at least 2 teen pregnancy's that occurred because of rape,both were raped by grown men!

I worked with a woman who was 15 when she had her first child and that child was now 15 and had just become a father. This woman was 30 and already grandmother!

I was pregnant at 16 and had ds at 17. It was difficult and looking back I was very immature and foolish with alot of the decisions I made at the time. I moved into a mother and baby unit which helped support me emotionally for over a year before I moved into my own house. The house wasnt decorated for years because I couldnt afford it and no carpets down. It was pretty dire and I would have wished to be able to give my son a much better home to grow up in for the first 3 years of his life. I wasnt in college or anything as I didnt understand at the time that it was an option so the support wasnt there like I believe it is now. Almost 14 years later I have this young man who I am exceptionally proud of. I swore to myself I wouldnt fail him and today he is known dearly in our small village as such a polite, talented, funny and intelligent helpful young lad and I would never imagine my life without him.
That being said I do regret that I couldnt offer him so much more because of the circumstances that he was brought into. We do have a beautiful life now but I do believe alot of it has been down to luck and chance. Where as I could easily have still been stuck in a house with no carpets and decor due to no money, no work experiance etc. Its not the be all and end all but at 16/17 I may have just scraped by with enough emotional strength and maturity. Looking at my son now at 13/14 years old I just can not imagine him bringing a child into his life at his age.

My niece got pregnant at 18, admittedly she had already dropped out of school at 16, she went majorly of the rails, caught in the wrong crowd etc so her life was already heading in not a great direction.

But she worked all hours godsend to support her son (father walked out when she was pregnant) never had any holidays, she loved her son but he never had the opportunities early in his life that others got, when he was still quite young niece was still in the wrong crowd, still had not emotionally grown up and not exactly the most hands on parent.

The upside is her son is nearly 10, she is in a loving relationship and has another daughter, lot more support and money. Really turned her life around.

My daughter is 18, I can't think of anything of worse than what my niece went through.

Apart from abuse I still maintain that very young teenagers getting pregnant have shite parents and role models .

Hmm, I know where you're coming from, @Purpletigers, but I think that some parents genuinely don't know that their teens are sexually active and would be shocked if they did. According to DD (14), one of her friends (also 14) is having sex and I don't think her Mum (whom I'm friends with) has a clue. This parent definitely isn't neglectful, she's devoted to her family, but if teens want to have sex, they'll find a way.

Luckily my DD recognises that it's too young and that she's not ready for sex yet.

anyone who 'strongly suggests' or 'frogmarches their child to a clinic' is an unspeakable cunt.
if one of my teens was pregnant, of course i'd be upset, but as a person who was forced into a termination by their parent, i can tell you if you want to mess up your child emotionally and mentally forever than thats how you'd go about it. this was over 20 years ago and i'm still mentally scarred by the experience, it was physically horrific, i nearly died due to blood loss. just the hands down worst thing that ever happened to me. and my mother's reaction was 'well at least now you can go back to school with nothing to worry about'.

I'm not saying teen pregnancy is a great thing, i'm not saying i'd want it for my teens but if it were to happen, i would talk to them and try and work out what to do in the way that is best for them. its them that has to live with it after all.

as for the 'where are the parents when their child is having sex'..well in my case she was at home. and i was at my orchestra practise. or i was at school. or i was at the library studying. because i was a good, conscientious kid. i just also happened to be sleeping with my boyfriend, it doesn't necessarily follow that the kid having sex is 'off the rails' in some way.

Sex education is soo important!

Agreed owlbethere, I had a termination in my twenties, though it physically wasn't too awful, mentally that scar is there forever, probably gets worse with each passing year tbh. If you think you would coerce your daughter into going through that, you are an unspeakable human being.

I think what you said OP was quite fair, you said you would be scared/horrified/disappointed but you would remain calm and support them in whatever decision they made. Your friend responded as if you said "well I'd perform a home abortion myself then kick them out of the house".

Teen pregnancy isn't ideal but if it's a 17 year old, that's one thing. A 13 year old though .

For pp that mentioned in the past women got pregnant much younger, this is true but the average age of menarche was much later - around 16. So even then mother that young would have been very rare. It's only recently age of puberty for girls has been dropping down to 10-12 years.

I know someone who loudly and vehemently judges teenage parents.

This woman's son Is a heroin addict.

Much as teenage pregnancy isn't ideal I don't see it as life ruining in the way lethal addiction is. It's life altering.........all we can do is be supportive if our child were in that situation. Forcing or pressuring abortion really is a guaranteed way to destroy your child's life and ruin your relationship.