To say no to teen pregnancy?

[DM1209]

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

I think it's good to think about what is best for the teens in question, but they are waaaay too young at 13 and 14 to be parents, and it's equally important to think about what is best for their potential baby. If that child is carried to term it will deserve at least one proper parent, not two very young adolescents who do not apparently even know about birth control.

I do not believe a 14 year old has the right to be a parent -- they are not considered adults in law and a baby deserves to be in the care of a competent and loving adult. I think that when someone under, say, 17 gets pregnant they should have two options: termination or adoption. Adoption could include private adoption by one or more grandparents or other relatives. But someone who is old enough to take responsibility for raising a child has to take actual and legal responsibility for the baby. I would happily do that if one of my teenage sons got someone pregnant, but would be equally happy to see his baby go to a mature and stable adopter who is longing for a baby and old enough to give it the best life.

I have a 13 and a 15 year old, if either got pregnant I would try to persuade them into getting an abortion. My dsd got pregnant at 17 and I was pretty upset but it wasn’t my place to tell her what she should or shouldn’t do, she dropped out of her A levels to have the baby, she’s a great mum and is still with the father.

My mum had me at 15, the only thing close about us for a long time was our age. Now we laugh and joke about the fact we will probably end up in a care home together.

My daughter is almost 13, if she came home pregnant I’d be gutted. It’s funny myself and my partner discussed this last week I can’t even remember why now but he was telling me she would be getting an abortion or moving out, I think he now realises if those were the only 2 options on the table in his eyes he’d be the one moving out 🤷‍♀️ As gutted as I’d be my daughter would have my full support on the understanding that I’ve had 5 children and would not be going on to raise a grandchild though financially I know it’d fall on me to support her

There is a difference between being judgemental and being realistic.

Your friend doesn't understand this.

She seems to be a bit in denial about the very young ages of the new mother and father too. Teen pregnancy happens but not that many 13 year olds impregnate 14 year olds.

And actually, teen pregnancy rates in general in the UK have been dropping for several years. The younger a teen girl is when pregnant the more likely she is to have an abortion compared to older teens.

What sort of family life did these children experience up to now?

www.brook.org.uk/images/brook/professionals/documents/page_content/factsheets/factsheet2_2014_Teenage_conceptions.pdf
Some tables here.

We are lucky in the UK to have safe, legal and relatively inexpensive abortion services.

Some of the U.K. Some of us are still living in the dark ages unfortunately and teenage girls really are stuck with an unwanted pregnancy if they can’t afford to get to ROI or rUK.

May not fit into being illegal but child protection issues must surely arise. There is no way I would not be fuming. If a 13 year old can look after and care for a baby why are there so many postings on MN with complaints about not coping and how awful it is being responsible 24 hours for a new human being and potential loss of career. No doubt the baby and mother will not lack financial support, isn't that what wordly folk pay taxes for. Warned you I would be livid!

I'd be upset but I would do my best to support them and help them to come to the right decision for them.
Think the idea of enforced adoption (upthread) is abhorrent, cant imagine the stress that would cause the childs parents.

Plenty of women and girls have been forced to have their babies adopted. My best friend was sent away to have her baby adopted in the 90’s. She couldn’t do it and came home with the baby. (He’s a lovely young man now.) She doesn’t regret it for a second but she still carries guilt for not doing what was expected of her by her parents. How is that right?

Your friend is unusual most people find this abnormal I think.

I had mine at 15 and I wouldn’t be happy at all if my DD got pregnant at that age!

The number one predictor for problems women can face in life, be they financial, health related or emotional is how early they get pregnant.

I'd be horrified, shocked, worried and I wouldn't feel that I had any other choice than to support them.
At 14, she isn't even physically ready for childbirth - her body will be detroyed, they will both grow up resenting their child or worse.
Accidents happen yes but how have they even had the private time alone to get in this situation?

PregnantSea These "amazing" 13 yr old mums that you see are only able to do anything that they do because their parents are fully supporting them, footing the bill for their housing and giving them free full time child care whilst they are in school. Wow, that's so grown up of you to get mummy and daddy to do everything for you..
Wow!! If only!
Not all young teen parents have the support they need or deserve, many end up in the system, witch still doesn't offer the best of support. I have volunteered with many young parent groups, and seen many that have fallen through the gaps, but come up fighting. It's not as clean cut as you seem to believe!
Also please remember that not all young teenage pregnancys are the result of consensual sex.
I was a mum at 14, I now have an amazing 14 year old son.
It was not easy, i left school at 14 to care for my son, my mum claimed benifits for him, which she then gave to me, I had to pay her rent/bills/food, out of that money and use the rest to support me and my son. I got a full time job at 16, I paid for my sons childcare myself, as well as still paying my mum all the money she asked for. She was supportive in no way at all. Barely even spoke to me. My dad and alot of my family disowned me. My sons dad (who was 18 when I fell pregnant, this was brushed under the carpet because of the sheer embarrassment of me, by my parents) and his family have never wanted anything to do with my son, never met or payed a penny for him. I met my now husband at 16 and have privatly rented since I was 18. My job is not great, but my son is.
I however would not advocate young teenage pregnancy. I would be very disappointed in, and for my son and the girl. Young parenting is hard, mentally challenging, not fun nor easy. I would support them whatever their decision, but I would be secretly very unhappy, and heartbroken for them. I hope I have given my son enough advice for this to not happen.

I agree with you. Mostly because at that age it's more of a 'family baby'. They'll be relying on grandparents etc for support, financially, practically and emotionally a lot more than a parent in their 20's.

Teen pregnancies are rarely situations where the couple have everything in place to have a child and manage as a small family unit. More often that not, multiple family members will have responsibilities for this child and that's not really on to assume that.

I started trying for a baby when I was 18. It took me 3 years to conceive and in some ways, those extra years (heartbreaking and stressful as they were) taught me a lot

Very few teenagers choose to get pregnant on purpose. I'm not talking 18, 19 year olds necessarily as they are adults and are sometimes in long term relationships with family in mind. But very few younger teens do it on purpose. So if it had happened to DD (now 18) I'd have taken it on the chin and helped her out any way I could. At the end of the day, it's her life she's compromised, so me giving her a hard time is hardly going to help. I'd reassure her that she can still get to where she wants to go, even if the journey might be a lot longer and harder. A lot of teens knuckle down and work when they've got babies as they've got someone to fight for. My niece was 21 when she had her first- not a teen but had dropped out of school and done nothing since. Once baby arrived she was juggling two jobs and making it work because she had to. Her DD gave her purpose.

YANBU.

The alternative is an option and they're still children so no it's isn't their life and their choice.

Teens need to know about everything they'll be giving up and the sacrifices they will have to make if they have babies.

Straight down the clinic and no two ways about it at that age.

I actually like the idea I heard about of the doll that is like a real baby and programmed to behave like one and teens have to look after it for a day or week to see exactly how it's like.

I'm actually horrified by the fact that there are some parents who let their kids of that age or younger watch such tripe like love island (or sex island as it should be called)and in that case the teen pregnancy is down to the parents allowing them to watch that garbage. If they're not old enough to have sex then they're not old enough to watch that either.

Definitely would be disappointed having 2 boys we wouldn’t have any say in what the girl decided. Having children very young is a struggle and the the girl is usually left with the baby all alone and the parents have to step up. It sometimes works out but unfortunately it’s not the norm. I suppose it depends on what the youngsters goals in life are.

YANBU.

You're argument is entirely salient and makes perfect sense... my DD is 13 and there is no way, no how I would want her pregnant at 13.

I had my eldest at 19 and that was hard enough.

I fell pregnant at 15 and I mostly agree with you OP. Just because I did it doesn't mean my DC should nor is it something I want for them. Especially my oldest is 14 I've been very open with her about what it was like from going to school pregnant to raising a child at a young age, putting my education on hold, struggling for money, having to grow up so quickly. I would be disappointed in DD if she told me she was pregnant but I would support her and let her decide what she wants to do but I'd make sure she knew what she was getting herself into whatever she decides. I wouldn't show my disappointment to her, my mum went absolutely ballistic at me and I understand why but it was the last thing I needed

I had DS 2 months before I turned 17, my mum was extremely supportive but everyone else urged me to terminate. I really struggled with the guilt of knowing that I was going against everyone’s wishes, especially my lovely DP’s. But I couldn’t bring myself to terminate and I’d make myself sick just thinking about it. When DP realised how difficult I was finding it he completely sided with me and now almost 2 years down the line everyone is very happy that DS is here. We now have our own home and both work, my mum didn’t do any more than a normal grandmother would. That being said though, I’d be disappointed for DS if he got a girl pregnant young but I’d support him 100%. However I do think there’s a huge difference from 13/14 to 17.

If my child became pregnant at 13/14 I’d assume that I was going to be the one raising the child. Although there are exceptions I think for the most part 13 year old children are not able to be responsible parents and require huge amounts of help from either family or the state.

I’d be incredibly disappointed in terms of the impact on their lives but also on my own.

Totally agree with you OP yes teens can be parents and it doesn’t mean they will bad at it but I have done way more in my 20s degree travel mortgage than the people I know who had children in their teens it’s not something I would actively encourage. But people saying where are the parents you can’t always prevent it it’s not like you know your teens movements at all times. My first week in year 11 I walked past about 10 year 9s having an orgy on a field I bet their parents didn’t think for a second that’s what their 13 year olds were doing whilst playing out!

NO contraceptive method is 100% effective. The belief that teenage pregnancy only happens when teenagers are stupid/careless/immoral/lower-class is the same sort of malevolent superstition as displayed by the people who think rape only happens when women drink too much and wear short skirts - if you condemn people's behaviour noisily enough and blame them harshly for what happens to them, it's like a talisman against it happening to you.
I hope that my DS won't impregnate anyone till he (and whoever he's having sex with) feel ready for parenthood. I have talked to him a bit about sex, contraception, consent etc, though he's not sexually active yet (14, but HFA and therefore emotionally young for his age).

Sounds like unless you were woke enough to raise them gender neutral and militant vegan this CF wouldn't be happy.

I guess we should all be educating our young teens on this subject.
Sex in such a taboo subject between parents and children. I don't understand why? It's such an important topic to discuss.
I had my dd at 19 I missed out on a lot of things I wanted to do with my life at that time, however I also have a much closer relationship with her than any of her friend do with their parents. We have discussed sex from a young age, she hasn't really had serous boyfriends up until last year (15) we talked a lot about sex and they decided they both wanted to wait till they were 16. Now 16 she has told me they would like to move the relationship further and so we went to the family planning clinic and got her on her contraception method of choice. All of her friends were shocked and horrified we had done this together as most of their parents hadn't even spoken to them about sex never mind contraception. We all need to be discussing this with our young people and educating them.

I'm certainly not saying parents are to blame, but I think they need to be aware children are not going to wait till they are 16 and this conversation need to be had and repeated from a early age.