To say no to teen pregnancy?

[DM1209]

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

I was a teen mum and I wouldn’t want that for my DC. I’m working very hard to show them that exams and working and travelling and socialising is worth so much and to be highly valued so hopefully they won’t want to risk losing it all for careless sex.

But if it happened I would be 100% supportive of whatever the girl chose. Because the alternative is a young teen doing it without support and that is a recipe for a very sad life. Hope they don’t make mistakes, help them make the best of it when they do.

I totally agree with you, and YANBU IMO and she asked your opinion and then pushed for an explanation, you just answered! Your friend is a dick.
If you ask someone to explain and you don’t like their answer then fine, if you want to change their opinion have a reasonable discussion and debate it with them... telling them they’re rude or unreasonable is just rude! And unreasonable!
I wouldn’t feel the same with that friend again

lets be realistic here age 14 and a parent cmon NOT HAPPENING get to the clinic now

unfortunately, ( in the uk at least ) it tends to be teenagers from a certain backround who have kids that early e.g. parents also had kids that young, low income, not university educated/post 16 educated

Could you link to some data on this? Does the data include abortion statistics because those people got pregnant too remember? In my experience plenty of well educated people have abortions. Are we only judging the ones who choose to keep the babies?

Op yanbu but other posters judging parents of the teens and their backgrounds are being very unreasonable. These teenagers have minds of their own. They make their own choices. Plenty of people of all ages have sex without proper protection or have contraception failures. As a teenager a girl is at her most fertile. Plenty of girls have fallen pregnant after one time without protection. Can we all honestly say we are 100% sure our precious darlings have never and would.never take that risk?

Not to sound like a dinosaur but if my DD told me she was pregnant at 14 I’d flip (internally) I’d pull out as many birthing videos as possible, explain to her - in great and honest detail, how being pregnant, having a baby and then raising the actual baby can be! If, after every logical and realistic point has been made from my side, if she chose to keep the baby, I’d like to think I would support her because she’s my DD, but I hope I never have to be put to this test in future.

Likewise for if DS (DD’s twin brother) told me he got a girl pregnant at the age of 13... I’d also have to hold myself back from a smack upside the head for both of them.

My mum was a teen parent, 16 when she had my brother, 18 when she had me, she had no support and eventually left us with my GP’s because they were the ones who berated her every move with us. It broke her heart and she ran away for a long time.

On the opposite end I have a cousin who had her first baby at 15, she is an amazing Mum who had a little family support, but not much.

But again, I truly hope never to have to have any of the above mentioned conversations with my DD or DS! I hope I can instil in them the importance of contraception before they get to the age of actually wanting to experiment sexually. They’re only 19 months old right now so I can’t say for sure how I’d handle it, but I can’t help but think about it now 😱😱

I had DS at 19, I feel that’s not particularly shocking. It was tough but we made it work and have a very nice life now. I was not interested in education when I was younger and completed a degree a few years ago (now in early 40’s). I am grateful that neither of my dc have become young parents because it is very tough, it doesn’t ruin your life at all it just means your life takes a different path to those who don’t have kids young. It’s a tougher path because you don’t have the chance to be selfish and only think of yourself, go on girls/lads holidays etc but it has different rewards because you are young bringing up a child.

I think at 13/14 it’s more of a shock mainly because you are still at school and the vast majority or you friends will not be in that position, you stand out more as being a very young mum and are open to a huge amount of criticism. At 19 I did have friends who were in the same situation and whilst at the time I was one of the younger mums at the school gates I made friends with lots of other mums some of whom were 10-15 years older than me but didn’t profess to know more about childcare we were all in the same boat.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2465587/#!po=1.51515
Here you go Janet

And this

I was a TA in a mother and baby unit attached to a school, our youngest mother was just 12y 10m when her daughter was born, i found it very sad to be honest.

Well, it’s late on a Sunday night & I have only just finished my homework (aka business proposal).
I am tired & a bit ‘motional.

Previous posters have been warm, wise & thoughtful.
So I am going to be rude & judgemental.

FFS, how stupid is your friend?
They are 13 & 14 years old.
Nor are they effin’ Romeo & bleedin’ Juliet.
They still pay half fares on the bus.
There is nothing ‘cool’ about accepting children having children.
What’s done is done, but FFS don’t pretend that it is OK.

There, rant over.
B-r-e-a-t-h-e & relax.

I would be horrified if my almost 14 year old daughter became pregnant. It’s just not something that’s done in my family and circle of friends . I can’t think of one member of my wider family who have had a baby when they were essentially still a child themselves .
Thankfully she dislikes babies atm and is focused on her education . Goodness knows what will happen in the next 5/6 years but at 13/14 I would feel a complete failure as a parent if she got pregnant. I don’t think any child having sex so young respects either themselves or their family .

It’s almost become trendy to accept a teenage pregnancy. Feck that ! I’d be angry as hell . My parents would have killed me if I’d gotten pregnant before marriage never mind as a child . Where the hell are the parents ? I do think that any very young teenager who gets pregnant nowadays has really shite parents.

I've not read the whole thread. I have two boys. One turns `13 next year.
No fucking way would I be happy with that, he's still a child. Eldest is nearly 16.
I'm sorry, but I'd be asking how at 13 are you a Dad? Where are they and what are they doing at that age, surely at 12 when they're conceiving (ugh) you have some semblance of where they are.

I was a TA in a mother and baby unit attached to a school, our youngest mother was just 12y 10m when her daughter was born, i found it very sad to be honest

No. I would be very disappointed. Not in them, but because they would have made life so much harder for themselves. Of course, I would be there to support my son/daughter and grandchild, but I don't think jumping for joy is a normal response.

I don't believe for a second that anyone wouldn't be upset/disappointed/angry if their child got pregnant at that age.

My mum had me at 19 and even that was young enough that it seriously disrupted her life trajectory, let alone 13/14.

I'm sure lots of people have relationships/children in their late teens which are planned etc, but assuming we're talking about very young children making mistakes, than YANBU. But unfortunately, as a PP has said, some families see it as less of an issue than others. I bought my first house when I was 21, it was a 2 up 2 down victorian terrace, and my neighbours were lovely hard working people, but the Mum said to me 'why don't you get pregnant then you can get a council house and won't have to work'! This despite the fact that she had about three jobs! But years later her daughter (after lots of lairy rows in the street with her BF) got pregnant at about 15/16 and got a council house! It really is a lifestyle choice for some!

I don’t think any child having sex so young respects either themselves or their family .

Ok hard disagree with this. IMO young teen pregnancy is awful from pretty much every angle but I had sex at 14, with my boyfriend who I was with for 3 years. We used contraception, I was never pressured into anything I wasn't comfortable with, and while I wouldn't be thrilled with my hypothetical children doing the same, I don't regret it and it certainly didn't reflect on the respect I had for my family!

It’s almost become trendy to accept a teenage pregnancy. Feck that ! I’d be angry as hell . My parents would have killed me if I’d gotten pregnant before marriage never mind as a child . Where the hell are the parents ? I do think that any very young teenager who gets pregnant nowadays has really shite parents

Or is being sexually abused, sometimes by a family member the parents trust.

I do think that any very young teenager who gets pregnant nowadays has really shite parents.

I suppose it’s easier to think that.

I think it's such a waste of their life at that age and I feel political correctness make it near impossible to voice an opinion that is contrary

It hasn’t anything to do with political correctness. Your friend disagreed with you, is that really such a problem?

I do think that any very young teenager who gets pregnant nowadays has really shite parents

What are you classing as young though? You can't always blame the parents . Sometimes the parents do give a shit, they have raised their kids "right" and trust them not to get into trouble.
When they hit 13 and 14 for example you have to start trusting them to go out with their friends.
You don't always know where they are, but make sure they check in and message you or you message them regularly.
Whether it's shagging people or causing trouble in the local park it's on them and their choices not the parent who can be supportive and have brought them up right.

I have 2 adopted DDs of 10 and 7. If one of them got pregnant at 13/14, I would feel that I had failed as a mum somewhere in not equipping them to make the right decisions in terms of sex and contraception. It would also be too much a case of deja vue, as their birth mum has had 4 babies taken off her and 2 still births, starting as a teenager.

I want better for my DDs. Yes, they would have family support. But they would still be far too young.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.

Why not? Why wouldn’t you convey your disappointment? I’d be absolutely raging at their stupidity and doing everything in my power to procure a termination.