To say no to teen pregnancy?

[DM1209]

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

I agree with everything you said.

I would be shocked and extremely disappointed if my child was sexually active at that age in the first place to be honest.

Yabu in so far as there is a huge difference between ages of teens...before sixteen and a child themselves in the UK is very different to after sixteen regarding pregnancy and parenting. However you aren’t being rude to have an ooonion, everybody has one, your friend seemed to want to push you to absolutes then bemoan your view. I would consider her rude in considering you rude and would find it odd for a true adult friend to speak to me like she did you.
(As a side note to people who judge on economic class - I had my eldest before I was eighteen, nobody had around me previously m, my family completely disowned me, I was shunned by ‘friends’ from school and my small home-town yet I worked hard, got promoted, became a professional in my field and provided for my child...who is now an a academic in their field.)
Age is not the deciding factor in what makes a good parent, the caveat is needing to be an adult first.

I would force a termination if my daughter was really, really young; say 13 or 14. But if it was 16 or 17 I'd let her decide.

I find that those who are so nonchalant about a 13/14 year old girl - a child - having a baby are those that tend to have family/friends stuck in the cycle where their mother had her first baby at 15 or 16, and their daughter did, and then following on to the son or daughter. It's a cycle some don't seem eager to stop as it's all they know and they think nothing is wrong with it, hence their enablist attitude. I would not accept it.

LunaFortJest how exactly would you force a termination ??

Tie her to the bed ?? You'd traumatise the girl for life. And probably lose her to boot. 🙄 Honestly wonder what sort of homes children are being raised in, we clearly haven't learnt from the 50s and 60s when forced terminations and adoption happened..........leaving thousands of traumatised women and girls.

There's a world of difference between a 18 or 19 year old getting pregnant, and a 13 or 14 year old.

There is nothing positive about a 13, 14 or 15 year old getting pregnant. Absolutely nothing. Children of this age (and they are CHILDREN, not young people or adults) do not have the skills, maturity or financial ability to look after a child. Young teens should be in school, having fun and studying for their exams, not changing nappies.

Once the child is actually pregnant well no, of course there's no point in disapproving and hand-wringing. But let's not normalise it in any way whatsoever. It's not normal. The message needs to be out there loud and clear that if you're going to have sex, and you shouldn't be doing that before the age of 16 anyway, you need to be doing everything in your power to prevent pregnancy.

Problem is that in some parts of the country and in some families, having babies at 15 or 16 is the norm.

I fell pregnant at 16 (gave birthday at 17) my parents wanted me to abort. They arranged it and I went to the clinic for my first consultation. I went in on my own and they showed me videos and pictures of what happens. It was horrific and I couldn't go through with it.

I'm sorry but what type of clinic shows horrific videos and pictures?

I became pregnant at 20 and terminated because the circumstances were so far from ideal that saying they were not conducive to raising a child would be an understatement. I was on contraception at the time.

I didn't have sex until I was 19, such was my fear of pregnancy. I wouldn't have even entertained the idea of continuing with a pregnancy in my teens! It wouldn't even have occured to me to not have a termination.

Meant to add that I would be horrified if either of mine found themselves in that position. We'd deal with it, but I'd be horrified.

When your child is having a child, you put the best face on it, and tell everyone its a wonderful gift.
When your child is not having a child, you are free to acknowledge what a bloody stupid thing it is.
Your friend is supporting her kid by being happy with a decision that she has absolutely no control over. What else could she do?
I was once told some 'happy news' by a family member, who was putting the best face on it. I played along, and said, 'that's lovely, congratulations'.
There is nothing else to be done. Saying, at that point, that they are ruining their life, is just gratuitous. They clearly know, the strained smile says it all.

"There's a world of difference between a 18 or 19 year old getting pregnant, and a 13 or 14 year old."

Agree with this. Lumping it all in as "teenage pregnancy" is a bit misleading because kids change so much in the course of their teens. I knew girls at school who had babies in the 16-18 age bracket. I don't think they had an easy time of it and they were very isolated for a while, but they and their kids turned out just fine. But yes, I think it's rose-tinted bullshit to talk as though a 13 year old is going to be capable of being a wonderful mum.

(Obviously, I'd support my DD without judgment in those circumstances. She comes first. Wouldn't make it less of a disaster though).

To say I'd be disappointed would be a huge understatement.I would be devastated and I would be bloody well communicating that to them too-if they're old enough to be having sex,they're old enough to take on board my feelings about it!

I think it's rose-tinted bullshit to talk as though a 13 year old is going to be capable of being a wonderful mum.

Completely agree.

I know a lot of teen parents cope well with support.

However firstly that takes a lot of help from their parents, in terms of doing or finding childcare so they can study etc, it's a big commitment

Also I've heard a lot of young parents where it wasnt planned, say although they dont regret their kids, they wouldn't choose for their own kids to have babies so young, so their is an acknowledgment even amongst those it affects the most, that it's hard and not ideal

Also I know not the point of the thread but your friend was being a bit mean pushing you for an opinion on something then telling you you were judgemental! Especially when it's a hypothetical 'how do you think you would feel if this happened to you're question where there isn't really a 'wrong' answer. Maybe different if it was her own son rather than nephew or youd said you would be so disgusted youd chuck them out. But it's an over reaction on her part - dont keep asking a question if you dont actually want to her an answer

My message to all my DCs has always been - an unplanned pregnancy isnt the end of THE world but it is the end of A world.

A 13 year old dad. Wow! Would his parents be expected to pay maintenance or would the 14 year old's family be expected to absorb the cost?
It's a good question. I've seen many episodes of "Long Lost Family" where a young girl got pregnant and her dad usually was furious/turfed her out. They then give up the baby as they can't support it but they never get over giving the baby up their whole lives. I guess it could be the same if you strong armed them into an abortion they didn't want.
I suppose being furious is a bit pointless as it's shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.
I think I'd try and be kind and supportive but i hope it doesn't happen! I live in a 2 up 2 down with the downstairs knocked into one room. If this happened I'd have to sleep in the living room downstairs but i wouldn't ask them where they were going to live at 14. That would be like threatening them they wouldn't be welcome in their own home unless they had an abortion.
You might end up succeeding at getting them to have an abortion they didn't want but at the cost of their future mental health and your relationship with them.

I think it's rose-tinted bullshit to talk as though a 13 year old is going to be capable of being a wonderful mum.

On MN they are legion. No one has a mum or parents who have MH problems, siblings with SEN and simply cannot cope with or afford to bring up the child of their 14-year-old or pay for childcare. Lots of support bandied about, no one lives in a deprived council with services cut to the bone and last I checked, childcare costs. A lot. It's not free or provided by the council so the kid can revise for GSCEs.

Teen pregnancy is so vanishingly rare these days that there's no point getting too worked up about it - it's not the folk demon it was even ten years ago.

I was pregnant at 15. Kept the baby. I don't really care what people think of me, but I do take exception to the "blame the parents" narrative. My parents were and are very good, supportive parents who had high expectations of me- however they didn't factor in a manipulative, abusive boyfriend who outwardly seemed like a nice, wholesome boy, but who pressured me into sex and wouldn't take no for an answer.

You can't force a girl to terminate, you can strongly suggest it, but if you force it you will lose your child. A girl who believes herself that abortion is the best solution will not take much persuasion. A girl who feels that she is carrying "her baby" will only become more entrenched in that opinion.

Teenage pregnancy is not the end of your life. I am very happily married, went to university, bought a house, and work in a vocational role which I enjoy as I feel I give something back to society. My children are wonderful - polite, well behaved, hard working. I would not like them to follow my lead, because of course there's things I missed out on, but isn't that true of life in general? Friends who were travelling, partying and studying when I was changing nappies are now in worse positions than I am, thanks to poor physical and mental health, relationship breakdown, redundancy, addictions. All from well educated, middle class backgrounds. Life happens, but sometimes it happens at different times. Everyone will have something to deal with eventually.

Yanbu, I'd be bloody gutted if that happened to my DC so young.

I'd be disappointed and would definitely voice that to them, I would still support whatever decision they made though.

"'I'd be absolutely horrified and would be hoping they'd have a termination."

Me too.

I'd probably find it hard to hide my disappointment as well.

I mean if it's your daughter you have to house them/pay for them still.

It affects you but you have no say in it.

I’m not sure how I’d react. I personally don’t agree with abortion ( each to their own but I couldn’t do it nor would I expect someone to do it on my say so) and I’ve also had an accidental pregnancy which even in my 20s absolutely terrified me. Although it seemed like the end of my life, it was the making of me, just went to uni while she was a baby. I still had my career, bought my own house then settled down with someone decent and had more babies 12 years later. I couldn’t have managed that without parental support.

If one of mine got pregnant I’d be very worried for them, devastated in fact, but I’d also be extremely supportive. Yeah, I’d dish out a fair few bollckings but by that point it’s not solving anything anyway so I’d just crack on and do what I can to make it easier. Be it financial, moral support, childcare while they study etc or if they wanted to terminate, be there for them every step of the way.

I remember my dad telling me that my SM threatened to throw out her daughters if they came home pregnant and it just seemed wrong to me, and my dad thought it was a horrible thing to say.
Think prevention is a better option, my mum drummed it into me that I wasn’t to have sex until I was mature enough, so I waited until I was 18. I’ll be teaching my daughters the same thing (and don’t trust the pill) and hoping for the best.

I think there is a massive difference between a 13/14 being pregnant and a 16/17 year old.
It is illegal for a younger teen to have sex
They aren't old enough to give consent/ appreciate the implications
They might not be fully developed and face health implications in carrying on the pregnancy/ giving birth.
They cannot parent, realistically the grandparents are going to raise that child, at least until they are late teens/ adults.

If that makes me judgey so be it, but if my DD was pregnant at 13/14 I'd think that termination was the best option. Late teens I'd support whatever decision she made.

I’d be utterly devastated if they came home pregnant or had got someone pregnant so young. 13-15 is a massive difference from 17-19 imo. I wouldn’t be overly pleased if they were 17-19 either but I’d obviously much prefer it to 13-15. 13-15 year olds are still practically babies, especially the former. It would be very upsetting and I would see it as a personal failure.

I was a teenage parent fwiw but fell into the 17-19 category, had my own home and went to uni after having my DC so didn’t completely fail at life.

She's the aunt she's not going to.be doing much of the up.bringing of the baby if they deceide to have it, its all.very well.for her to.have opinions but how involved will she be? In reality none of us really want our children to become parents at such a young age and 13 and 14 is very young ,I have a 12 yr old and in some ways he's still my little boy,i.don't doubt.some teen parents do an incredible job but it must be difficult .