To say no to teen pregnancy?

[DM1209]

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

We would be devastated, but in the worst case scenario, if she kept it, it would work out.

We would raise the baby & care for it while she finished school, and we live in a city with more than one prestigious university, and within striking distance of many more. The baby would be in school by the time uni rolled around so she could crack on with her degree.

If she refuses a termination you just have to get on with it, right?

I used to work with kids like this and the pregnancy is always planned, irrespective what they say. Generally it's because the girl wants a baby of her own that she can love (homes are usually a bit lacking and mother has a fair few children of her own so teenager a bit starved of attention) and the lad will generally leave in the end.
I remember one young teenager who was urged by her (pregnant) mum to get knocked up herself so she could get a council flat as 'I'll need your bedroom when the new baby comes along so you'll have to leave home anyway'. It's really infuriating.

In cases like this, I really don't think abortion should be seen as such a monumental, dramatic decision. It's a really quick, easy way to stop one mistake from fucking your life up.

I certainly wouldn't be hoping for a termination as others have said, but that's just because of my personal views on the subject. I would be hoping for them to be sexually responsible so they hopefully wouldn't get to the stage where a termination was on the table.

Of course I would be disappointed and shocked if my teenager fell pregnant and I don't believe anyone who says they wouldn't be. 13 is a ridiculous age to become a parent. Even if we pretend for a moment that the 13 yr old is unusually mature for their age (which they probably won't be seeing as how getting pregnant at 13 is the act of someone very immature) then it still doesn't work well. Where do these people live? How do they support themselves? How do they finish school? You have to assume that the parents of the teenager are taking on all of this responsibility otherwise it doesn't work, they would have nowhere else to live, the council wouldn't house a 13 year old child, they wouldn't be able to finish school or get a job because they would need to be looking after the baby. These "amazing" 13 yr old mums that you see are only able to do anything that they do because their parents are fully supporting them, footing the bill for their housing and giving them free full time child care whilst they are in school. Wow, that's so grown up of you to get mummy and daddy to do everything for you...

They all get married to wonderful men later (when I was single and childfree a lot of the really desirable men wouldn't touch a person who had kids already with a 10-foot barge pole) and have more amazing kids who all live brilliantly in a blended family, successful and senior job, the kids are always delightful and hard-working and intelligent and successful (no one ever has a preemie with complex health problems as a result or a child with SEN).

LOL @ we live in a place with more than one prestigious university, therefore our teen parent child will definitely go to one of those. By that token everyone who lives in London, which has more than one prestigious university, should have kids who go to them because well, they live ther.e

DP was pregnant at 15. DS is in his 20s now, living and working abroad and he's a delightful young man. DP loves him (as do I) unconditionally but when she looks back with hindsight she was living in a tiny, freezing, council flat with an abusive partner.

We had DD in her early 20s, the difference between being financially secure and not has always made her feel somewhat guilty. She was pressured to have the baby, incidentally.

DD has a very rare condition that makes her infertile. She's been told she must have IVF (and gestational surrogate) young to hope to be successful, if DD had known at 14/15 I have no doubt she would've been pushing to have a baby then.

We can only understand how we'd react in such a situation given our own experiences.

How long ago was that peaches ,?because in a lot of parts of the country it's not just a simple case of getting pregnant and getting a council flat I live in he North West and in my town it was quite easy to get a council house just a few years ago but people are finding it more difficult .

I wrote up thread that me and dp were 19 and starting university when ds was born, I think some people are misinterpreting what I’m saying, by saying there’s a difference between 13/14 and 19. Yes there is a big difference! That’s the point I’m making- it was hard work at 19!! So for a teen of 13/14 to go through it must be 10 times harder- that’s why I would stand by my child’s decision, but I would be devastated. When my friends were saving for their deposit for their first home- we were paying rent, bills and nursery fees! It set us back for sure in those areas of life.

I'd be disappointed. However, who knows how I would react under those circumstances. I'd like to think I would be supportive and not show my disappointment but in reality I could react very differently.

I'd be so disappointed.

A friend has an 18 year old son and he and his 16 year old girlfriend have just announced their pregnancy. He was hoping to go to university in Sept, his girlfriend is still in school. It's far from an ideal situation and my friend is devasated for both of them.

how exactly would you force a termination ??

I suspect the people that are saying they would force a termination are the types who already have a very controlling (possibly verging on abusive) hold over their DC anyway so DC is already well conditioned to do as told without kicking up a fuss because they’ve experienced the consequences in the past.

My mum was always explicitly clear that if I came home pregnant as a teenager she would "kick me up and down the street". She wasn't actually violent towards me but she had an explosive temper and would scream at us constantly so I didn't want to test that.

That’s the point I’m making- it was hard work at 19!! So for a teen of 13/14 to go through it must be 10 times

But at 13-14...it will be the grandparents who will be doing the vast majority of childcare as well as financially supporting and housing them.

I know at girl that had a baby at 15. It hasn't gone well. Her son is now 51/2 and living with her mum (grandmother). The 15 yo wasn't legal guardian, SS were heavily involved, and she got bored of the baby after about 6 months... essentially abandoned the child, because they weren't mature enough to handle the whole situation. The child is "lucky" to be living with family, and could have easily been taken into care (and very nearly was)

I'd be horrified and devastated if it were my child as would most people. Agree with others that your friend is being defensive because she knows people will be judging. And people will be judging, big time.

I didn't start having kids until my 30s. I had so much freedom in my teens and 20s, went off to uni, travelled, lived in different cities had loads of different experiences, worked hard and built a career and spent my money on me and did what I wanted. I want that for my daughters.

I have relatives and family friends who had kids young, age 16/17 and some of them have never managed to get it together in terms of their education/employment so are on benefits or crap low pay. It's not a life I'd want for my children.

I would be devastated. I would be disappointed that the future they had planned would now be harder.

I had my first at 19 and it was bloody hard. Yes I’m still with his dad and I’ve qualified as a teacher, own our own house, had holidays etc. Yes I can say it turned out okay and it really has turned out wonderfully but it was hard along the way. Qualifying was so much harder with children at home, my relationship suffered a bit over the years, saving up for house took longer when you have children to provide for and so on. I would not want that for my children at all.

When I read the op my first thought was my 13 year old has to be reminded to flush the toilet how the hell would he be able to look after a child!

I was 19 having dd1, I was absolutely fine, never felt too young and firmly believe I coped far better than most of the older mums at the toddler group. Was was 19 though, not 14.

Dd1 is now 14 and I’d be heart broken if she came home and said she was pregnant. She has so many hopes and dreams for her future, I’d be so sad for her if that was no longer a possibility.

I wouldnt even want her or her sister for that matter to follow in my footsteps and get pregnant at 18. It worked out fine for me, I think I’d pretty much raised myself and was old beyond my years, but they have dreams that I never had at that age and I want them to be able to make the most of their youth and freedom.

I had my first at 18, it's not the end of the world, me and baby's dad are still together- married now, have another child, we both work, both have qualifications and both earn way above national minimum wage/living wage and rent our home in a nice area and children are very polite. Aged 7 & 3. It wasn't the ideal situation but we made the best of it and i wouldn't change it for the world. 

But I also wouldn't want it for my children because it's so very difficult, and the judgment you get it awful & I would love for my children to be able to go further in life than I have

I had a termination in my twenties, though it physically wasn't too awful, mentally that scar is there forever, probably gets worse with each passing year tbh.

I’m sorry if this is the case for you but please understand that not everyone is psychologically damaged by termination. I had one almost forty years ago. It was the correct decision for me and I rarely give it a thought. I have no regrets and certainly do not have a mental scar.

I am terrified for my children to end up in this situation - not because it's a dreadful thing but because I've been in that position, having to make a decision at a young age and not really understanding the repercussions. It's something that has bothered me for over 20 years and I'd hate for them to have that cloud over them.

I would be absolutely horrified and I would openly express that.

When I was a teen and becoming sexually actively my very lovely and supportive mum told me that if I ever got pregnant as a teen still living at home my options would be termination or moving out, she made it clear she would never be one of those ‘don’t worry I’ll help you raise the child’ involved grandparents as she’d already done her child rearing and wasn’t raising someone else’s. And that if I was adult enough to choose to have a baby I was adult enough to finance that baby and raise it independently paying my own way.

I respected her for it and I doubled up on contraception! I think it’s incredibly entitled and rude for teens to assume their parents will chip in helping to raise their child they’ve chosen to have when they’ve already done so much to raise them.

@aintnothinbutagstring @owlbethere

I hear you. I think many people do come through a termination without too much trauma, but there also lots of us that it affects forever. 22 years later and I still think about mine every day. I would hate that for my children, and on the basis of my own experience I would never push them into it, probably the opposite to be honest.

If a magical fairy appeared and told you :
"You can choose when your DC becomes a parent, 13 or 23"
Who the hell would pick 13?
Yes it happens but nobody can pretend that it is desirable / what they want for their child.

No YANBU, and I say that as a teen mum myself.
Bringing children into the world before you have the physical means to provide for them is not something that needs normalising.
I was 19 when I fell pregnant with my daughter after 12 months of trying to conceive. I was directed by my midwife to a teen pregnancy class. I had a full time job, my own home with a mortgage, a stable partner I’d been with for four years and the means to provide for my child. I was the only person on my course with a job, nevermind about a house to live in. I do understand that accidents happen, but in the majority of cases it is total carelessness that ends teens in these situations, not an unfortunate accident.
I don’t think that choosing to have a child knowing you will have to rely on the state to raise them is anything to be celebrated.