To say no to teen pregnancy?

[DM1209]

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable whatsoever but wanted to canvass some general opinions off strangers on the internet, why not.

Having a conversation with a friend who tells me her nephew is going to be a dad, he is 13. Family are in total shock, the girl (14) and her family even more so. No one at this stage knows what they are going to do. I say whatever both families decide is their business with of course their two teens who matter the most in this equation and wish them luck.

Friend then asks, what would you do if DC1, 2 or 3 were expecting a child in their teens? I respond with I would do my very best to support them and their decision, whatever it was, and be present and engaged with them.

Friend asks if I'd be disappointed, I say yes I would but I would never communicate those thoughts to them.
Friend asks why I would be disappointed? I state usual reasons of their whole life ahead of them, studying becomes harder etc and main one being age, they are simply too young emotionally and mentally to handle such a life changing event and I would rather they were older when and if it happened. I also added that if it happened we'd simply deal with it as a family and I wouldn't shun my child or force a termination or anything like that. However, I would prefer for it not to happen in their teens.

Friend proceeds to tell me I am so rude for being so judgemental and that teen pregnancies happen. Yes, I respond of course they do and while I support any parents decision regarding teen pregnancy I do not feel the need to apologise for my view of simply not wanting to have that for any of my DC's and while I know 'it happens' I would hope to steer them in a different direction/path. I know even after all of that it can still happen and if it did, so be it.

I don't see the need to normalise having a baby so very young. I know there are some exceptional mums and dads out there that make better teen parents than those of us in our 30's and 40's but I don't wish to encourage that for my children. It's like if anyone expresses a view that isn't all gung-ho and happy clappy about this topic, then they're living in the dark ages and being judgemental!

I don't feel I need to apologise for my thoughts and I don't feel I want to become a grandmother in my 40's. Am I in the minority with these thoughts and feelings?

The belief that teenage pregnancy only happens when teenagers are stupid/careless/immoral/lower-class

Like I said, middle class teenagers get pregnant too, they are just more likely to have abortions.

Ds1 is 13. He's reasonably responsible for his age but in no shape or form would he make a capable father in 9 months time, even if he did manage to impregnate someone - he'sa kid! In fact, I can't think of a single 13 year old I've met who would be capable of consistently being a good parent. I'm glad they exist but they must be few and far between and statistically the chances of them being the one who gets pregnant must be remote.

I’ve always been open with my DCs as I believe that if they have as much information as possible they can make informed choices and they knew they could talk to me about anything they wanted. I never insisted they talk to me but let them come to me when they wanted. I’m lucky that my DCs have not become young parents, they have their sights on their future

unfortunately, ( in the uk at least ) it tends to be teenagers from a certain backround who have kids that early e.g. parents also had kids that young, low income, not university educated/post 16 educated.

Do enlighten us on what the 'certain background' is.

tiddlywinkywinkywinky the sentence following on from ‘certain background’ laid out what the poster meant by that phrase, it’s right in front of you, hardly cryptic 😂

Also aspiration plays an important part.
Middle class girls have teenage pregnancies too...they generally have high aspirations for their life and are more likely to have an abortion. A teenage girl from a troubled, poorer home may not have any ambitions beyond having kids therefore there is a mentality of inevitably so may as well start early

100% this.

I'd be just as upset that my child thought that pregnancy was the best she could aim for. If there was something lacking that gave my child the belief that a baby was the answer, I'd be gutted.

And a pregnant 13 yr old WOULD be having an abortion.

I would damn near frogmarch a child of that age to the clinic forced abortions....nice! Great way to teach your kids about consent and body autonomy.
My mum used to say things like that. I know she regretted saying it in later years when I lost so many babies.

I’ve posted before, but I came from a middle class background and my aspiration was to be a nurse. A lot of people pushed me to have an abortion and I felt extremely out of control of my own body and it was the worst experience I’ve ever been through. My aspirations are still to be a nurse and once DS has grown up I will be going to uni, but when I found out I was pregnant no matter how much I tried to rationalise it I couldn’t terminate. I hope people saying they would force their DD to have an abortion aren’t being serious, pro choice is exactly that, a choice. And that choice can be termination or going through with the pregnancy.

I think aspiration plays a huge part too. I went to a Catholic school in the 2000s where we didn't really have sex education (well beyond scaremongering about the pill and cancer ) but most of the teens having sex did their own homework and were pretty savvy about contraception, I don't know if anyone had a discreet abortion or antibiotics for an STIbbut there were no teen mums because most seemed to want to go on to further education.

The overall teen pregnancy rate in the UK has gone down and I wonder if part of it is due to the expansion of university.

By contrast Snuggy I went to a catholic school in the 80,s we didn't really have Sex education either, there were a fair few teen pregnancies ,and several girls became mothers before or just after their 16th birthday ,we didn't have the internet etc in those days so hopefully things moved on from my experience to yours? My ds1 also goes to a catholic school he's in yr 7 they do receive proper sex education ,in my day though there was no national curriculum that schools had to follow .

I went to a catholic girls grammar school late 90’s- early 00’s.

Sex education was about how “he’ll tell you he loves you but he doesn’t, don’t do it girls” then we had to write about how abortion was a sin (despite it being illegal in NI so inaccessible to all of us!) and to help us write our essays they had one girl in my class who was adopted stand up and speak about how she never would have existed if her birth mother had terminated her pregnancy and how she was so glad she existed. Lots of girls in tears at the thought of their friend not existing and lots of muttering about how they could never kill a baby. And the teacher said “and there you have it girls, we wouldn’t have our lovely Jane* if her mum had aborted her”. There were two girls in my year who got pregnant after GCSEs and were asked to leave. No education for you, ladies!

I still hear teens now saying abortion is a sin. It’s infuriating.

*jane not real name.

Yeah the Internet made the information a lot more accessible to said girls but I think the aspiration for further education motivated them to seek the information, I reckon you need both.

Not proud to admit but as teens we were dead snobby about teen mums as well which would probably also put some girls of keeping their babies at a young age.

I’d be disappointed too. I had my eldest at 19/20 and for all I was mature enough, working full time
And had my a levels etc it still really reduced my chances. It was my choice to continue with the pregnancy but I couldn’t go to uni then or get a mortgage etc, my parents worked full time and I had younger siblings so no help with childcare so when I returned to work I was paying for childcare.

I stayed with my parents for a few months but then moved out and rented my own place. My eldest is 10 now and we often talk about different things and I always encourage her to live her life, get a job, see the world! All the things I’m hoping to once my DC are grown up. I don’t regret having her at all but it did really impact my life choices etc. I am only now thinking of going to uni in my 30s

The truth of the matter is if any of mine had a baby as a young teen neither myself or my husband could take that on, we both work, no extra space etc and there is obviously the financial aspect we simply couldn’t afford it. It is about being realistic about how it is impacting now only the pregnant teen but the wider family etc. I agree with PP who have said that if they’re Not mature enough to realise the financial, housing and missing out on a big part of their life they aren’t mature enough for sex let alone a baby