AIBU to think young children can manage fine with their mother away Mon-Fri?

[UndertheCedartree]

Just interested in opinions/experiences of this

Your children are old enough to understand why this is happening and you and they seem to have a good relationship with their father so I'm sure it'll be fine.
Best wishes OP x

I’m away regularly for work. 2 nights most weeks and once every couple of months 4 nights. Both the kids and I find it tough, especially the older one (8) and I regularly wonder if it’s worth it.

Sorry, just rtft

Not sure how young is young, but I will tell you what my 8y DD told me last week: 'At school we were talking (there are 5 girls in her circle) about who's parents are the strictest, and everybody was telling how their parents are shouty and make us upset, but Jenna won, as her parents are never there, she is at her childminder'. That made me very sad. Parents of the girl are both working full-time, just trying their best. But what is the best?

OP don't beat yourself up about being away from them, they will know the reason presumably and they are being cared for by their father who loves them and sounds like school is helping as well. Must be a worrying time for you allthough.

Sounds like in addition to your illness you are separated from their father? Is that right or am I reading it wrong? If so having some more time with him now might be good for them, it will reinforce their bond with him in this difficult time. If you are normally the RP then when you are better you might need to think about how much they see him because changing the contact again so they see a lot less of them might also be hard for them. Ignore that if you are normally 50:50 though.

I cannot think of a medical condition that requires Monday to Friday in patient treatment for almost 18 months?
Is there absolutely no alternative for community management? Sorry if that’s a ridiculous question.

If there is no choice in this situation then nothing you can other than explain to the kids and have them cared for by someone else who loves them- which you are doing.

Having dad move into your house weeknights so they aren’t disrupted in their living space and also have a parent present sounds the very best compromise you could do.

Have they asked many questions and do they seem to take in why it is happening?

Tbh if it’s this long then they will find their new normal and it will seem like it’s how it’s always been- kids adapt very quickly.

You might find they struggle when they go back to not seeing dad so much tho so maybe plan forwards for that if you can?

I have to say it’s a bit annoying for the OP to withhold important information to be able to make an informed response!

Context is everything

Of course.

Playing devil's advocate here, but is the context actually everything? If it's emotionally damaging for children to be away from their mothers (not my personal view if they're with another stable carer, but some of the earlier posters on this thread seemed to incline to that view), then surely that's the case regardless of the mother's motives? It doesn't sit well with me to put mothers in little buckets marked "bad mother" and "good mother who can't help it" , and then reply with "no! They'll develop an attachment disorder and hate you forever" or "of course they'll be fine! Kids are resilient!" , depending on whether you're dealing with a Bad Mother or a Good Mother.

Yes of course context is everything because we understand the reasons why - and adjust our responses accordingly.

To say otherwise would indicate that the world is black or white which is never is!

My original response was that it’s the same regardless of whether it’s a mother or father - it’s actually whether it’s the main caregiver which matters.

OP if you are unwell and an inpatient five nights a week why are you still doing all the mental load and most of the domestic chores? That can't be good for your health and wellbeing.

Your DC will be fine, they are two consistent loving parents. If their DF was away no one would say a thing.

@CountFosco - yes we are seperated and I agree with you that we need to manage things when I come out of hospital so that they are not unsettled by suddenly seeing their dad a lot less

@stiffasaboard - no - I have to be in hospital. But yes we will need a plan so as not to unsettle the children when I come out.

@Iggly - I wanted to hear people's opinions when they weren't 'being kind' because I'm unwell

@Ihatemycommute123 - exactly! I don't think just because I'm unwell it suddenly makes it immeasurably easier for the children to cope.

Sounds like you are doing your level best under the circs. You need to get better that's paramount. The kids while they may miss you they will understand at that age you are not doing it out of choice it's not forever and they in the family home with their Dad they really will be fine!

@Windygate - I don't do most of the chores but I do clean/tidy downstairs so they have a 'clean slate' to mess up over the week again! As for the mental load - I think it does help me stay in touch with their lives. And I'm not sure how to let go of it/share it anyway.

I think I can understand that staying in touch is very important to you all.

Playing devil's advocate here, but is the context actually everything?

I think it is. For two reasons. If a parent is unable to care for a child because of work or illness or death then the adults that are caring for the child will talk about the absent parent differently than if that parent has chosen to have no part of that child's life.

Secondly on a forum like this the OP has put herself at the risk of the 'precious moments' lot who believe a mother's role is to be there at all times. Without context you get the kind of responses you see above where she is exposed to an unnecessarily harsh response because they assume she is absent for evil selfish reasons. It is not good for an ill person to be made to feel worse about having to be away from her DC. But her DC know she loves them and wants to be with them. They also know their father loves them and cares for them and he will be there whatever happens to their Mum. That is really important. Even though it is hard for the whole family to cope with a serious illness the DC see their parents working together to care for them, that will give the DC security and stability and make them stronger. Shit happens, it's how you deal with it that matters and the OP and her ex are pulling together for the DC, that's really powerful.

The thing is the reason in this particular case is crucial as to how it may or may not affect the children. Yes they will miss you regardless of the situation, but whether or not it will be damaging for them heavily depends on their perception of events.

If the DC think you've chosen to be away from them then they might internalise it/resent you for making that decision which will of course affect them in a particular way. However knowing that their mum literally has no choice in the matter - they won't see it as any reflection on them, just one of those things. So it's a vital thing to leave out from your OP, it's not just a matter of us being kind or not.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

I do think they probably need support in many areas. Even if they’re managing fine, they’ll still need to talk. Realistically, that might not be you or their dad but all children all different.

You sound like you are trying really hard to do what’s best for them in the circumstances.

@UndertheCedartree you sound like a wonderful caring mother and I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. Your children will be fine and it’s only a temporary arrangement - weekends are a precious time to spend together and I’m sure they cherish it!

Genders reversed no one bats an eyelid of course mum being the absent parents raises eyebrows but it shouldn't
Exactly this.

Kids go to boarding school at these ages.
And this. I know people will be along with their boarding school horror stories, but I also know people who went to boarding school and loved it and are extremely well-functioning adults.

It's fine, OP. You don't even need the context of being in hospital, IMO, to make it OK.

Yes it's fine, it's not different to when dad's are separated. Just because it's a mum shouldn't make a difference.

I don’t see any problem. My eldest son lives with his dad and he sees me on weekends. Been like that for nearly 7 years. I can’t see it’s affected him any.... he’s a great young man.