AIBU to think young children can manage fine with their mother away Mon-Fri?

[UndertheCedartree]

Just interested in opinions/experiences of this

When I was 13 and DBro was 10 my parents dropped us off in Italy for a month of the summer holidays with our grandparents and cousins.
Then DM went back to England to have a mastectomy and recover from it.

We did miss her a bit and worry a bit but we were 100% fine. As an adult I’m in no way traumatised by that summer and with hindsight I’m glad my mum got to rest properly and keep us from seeing her in pain and ill.

Thanks @thewaronpeace

"I had a lot of quite huge stuff kept from me as a child, and I formed my own completely messed up understanding of things."

I came on here to say this and found that someone has already said it, and much better than I could have! My mother was away for long periods due to illness when I was a child. My sibling and I mostly took that in our stride. What did the damage was the fact that nobody was honest with me about what was going on, even though they often had conversations within my hearing and just assumed that I wouldn't understand. Also, I had no outlet for my feelings because nobody ever thought to ask how I was dealing with the situation. Kids are resilient little blighters, but they need honesty and a trusted adult to talk to. If they have that, they're going to be just fine.

Wishing you well, OP.

Thank you @sparkleandsunshine - I get terrible Sunday night guilt and just worry so much about what I'm putting them through

Mycats has it bob on. Don’t lie, ensure they know they’re loved and you’re not choosing to be away and they’ll be grand

I'm sorry you're in this position, but posting the way you did has got you skewed answers.

Because it's down to illness and not 'choice' it's very different for everybody.

I'm sure as long as you keep up contact in the week by whatever method you can and what is happening is explained so they can understand then they will be fine.

I wish you luck with your treatment.

Just to fill everyone else in - for the past 9 months I have been away from my children Sun eve til Fri afternoon as I am having treatment as an in-patient in hospital. Hopefully won't be away for more than another 7 months.

You have no choice and it’s a temporary arrangement while you get well, of course it’s fine. I posted earlier that I thought it was a terrible idea if there were no extenuating circumstances. Given that they are, and the plan is for you to become the primary carer again, of course it’s absolutely fine and I wish you continued improved health

I don't think it's a problem. Obviously with a very small baby, especially one that was breastfed, it would be an issue. But beyond that?

I don't think it's a problem. Obviously with a very small baby, especially one that was breastfed, it would be an issue. But beyond that?

Your DC will feel much better knowing that you are getting treatment. This situation is not a lifestyle choice. Be kind to yourself, sounds like you have enough on your plate x

Yes the guilt can be very, very hard to deal with. But you also have to try and remember that it won't last forever. It's perfectly 'normal' to have wobbles. I understand that it's very hard as you then feel guilty because it's about you iyswim.

Aside from here do you also have someone to talk to? If not, get that support even if it's just to rant.

Do they understand what the treatment is for?
They will be ok but I highly recommend that they receive therapy and support for their own feelings during this. It must be hard for them. It doesn't mean they won't be ok, but I imagine they have their struggles with this given it's such a big change.

No I don’t think so. It will affect the bond forever. They’ll have a relationship but not a bond.

And that will teach me to read the fucking thread. No in this circumstance it is entirely different and it’s for a period in time. I know someone who has done this for a job and I just couldn’t but illness it totally different.

Thank you @Nanny0gg - the thing is people always say to me - children are resilient etc. But noone wants to admit that actually it is affecting the children. I would rather know how it is affecting them and how to mitigate against it as much as possible. That's why I wanted to ask without giving the reason I am away from them

Children are so much more resilient than we give them credit for. Of course they’ll miss their mum, it’s only natural that they do. The transition will have been hard, but they’ll be absolutely fine.

They know you love them, they know the situation is temporary and is for a good reason. Sometimes things happen that can’t be helped. As they grow up, they’ll understand more and more. Please don’t worry.

Be kind to yourself OP

@starsparkle08 - are you ok?

Thank you for everyone that's replied. Even those who gave 'harsh' answers before knowing my circumstances because as explained up thread I wanted to hear those as I feel in general people 'sugar coat' the truth because of the circumstances. I really appreciate all the advice, opinions and well wishes

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help them. Just continue being as open as you can, giving them space to talk about their feelings etc, and involving the school.

They are resilient, but we also have to remember that it does impact them. Look for little changes in them and try and tackle it as gently as you can.

I understand you posted the way you did, possibly because of similar situations. We try and ignore our health issues and focus on other things.

Oh and good luck with further treatment.

Nobody would bat an eyelid if those hours were reversed so I don't really see the issue.

Sorry, just realised the whole thread hadn't loaded when I replied. Off to rtft now.

I think it is tough all round but necessary. I don't think they will be damaged by it but echo what other's say about being honest.

My mum died when I was 10 and I would have given anything to have her back even just for weekends. So concentrate on your treatment and getting better and getting back to your children. Weekends are better than not at all.

Thank you, @theworldistoosmall
@SteveTheSpiderPlant I bet you would

Hey OP, my son was away from me Mon - Thurs from 9 months until approx 5 Years old. I then proceeded to travel lots for work, abroad, sometimes several weeks (at most).

He’s now 15 and we are incredibly close.
Yes, there’s some effects from his upbringing I won’t lie. However you are doing the absolute best you can, your children are loved and with their parent (no one would bat an eyelid if this was a dad) and you are self aware enough to know you may have to do some extra reassurance with them.
Sending you the very best wishes for a speedy recovery

Thank you @LuluBellaBlue