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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My mum has asked me to help with my sisters college costs.

214 replies

Shootingstar1115 · 12/05/2019 16:41

Hi all, my sister is 16 and going to college in september and there will be added costs like equipment she needs etc and the bus pass etc which will probably cost around a grand.

There is no reason my parents couldn’t afford this if they were careful. They knew she wanted to go to college so why not save up? They both work. My mum only works part time but my stepdad earns a decent wage. They seem to spend above their means. Will pay out for 2-3 holidays a year, days out, night so out but as soon as something comes along like a car repair or a school trip, college!! They haven’t got it for these things. They also live in a council house and there rent is soo cheap (compared to private rent in the area anyway) so I’m not sure where they go wrong.

So I moved out when I was in my late teens. I was financially independent before moving out because they were just terrible with money.

Myself and OH are sort of average when it comes to earnings. We aren’t rich (far bloody from it 😭) but we aren’t poor either and don’t receive any Financial help and own our own home so everything is down to us.

But she’s asking me to help out with the college costs. I’m all for helping people out but it seems unfair that they have been on 2 holidays this year (we haven’t had a holiday in 5 years). Surely I’m not being unreasonable to think this is not my responsibility??? My sister is 16, she could get a part time job surely? I had to at that age!!

My mother has never helped us out financially. My mum receives a huge amount of money off my grandparents who have quite a bit stashed away (they aren’t rich but have saved saved saved all their lives). I just can’t help thinking this is not my place.

We aren’t talking borrowing 30 quid, she wanted £300 odd. We simply haven’t got that kind of money to give out!!

OP posts:
Xenadog · 12/05/2019 17:52

I honestly would laugh at your mum. Is she crazy?

No you aren’t forking out for your sister. End of conversation. No justification or explanation. If they have asked they are going to want to try to convince you to give them money. Don’t get into a conversation on this one.

Supersimpkin · 12/05/2019 17:55

Tell DM she can pay for college using her DD's Child Benefit.

TidyDancer · 12/05/2019 17:56

I definitely wouldn't give them the money in those circumstances. It would be a no and I would be clear why as well.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/05/2019 17:56

Thing is if the OP’s mum refuses or is unable to fork out and as a result her DSis’s college options are curtailed, then the OP has something of a dilemma.

Not as easy as just saying, “No you pay for it,” if the alternative is that her sister misses out.

Bishalisha · 12/05/2019 17:56

I’m actually a little bit torn with this one. If you can’t afford to or simply don’t want to support then of course you shouldn’t feel guilty about saying no, but, I’m not sure how I would feel about that if this were my sibling.

What is the course they are intending to do? Does she have a career path in mind that is depending on the course or a university pathway that she needs to establish this career? I think if that were the case I would offer to help with the costs until she finds a job to work alongside college so she can support herself.

If it’s not or an apprenticeship is an option then I’d be encouraging that route.

College is a luxury, some people need to go straight to work from school as their family finances simply can not facilitate them extending their education and it’s a crying shame she is in this position because her parents are too frivolous- but that is not for you to feel guilty about. I’m torn!

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/05/2019 17:56

Tinkly
I agree. Dds bus pass will be costing over £600 for secondary every year. She doesn’t get funding because she isn’t going to the closest school - the closest school is oversubscribed and not in catchment so she never would have got a place. We are pretty disgusted especially as she’s going to her only catchment school. And as you say no instalments.

Purpleartichoke · 12/05/2019 17:58

No. You should be putting that money aside for your own children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/05/2019 17:58

Oops didn’t answer your question. I wouldn’t help out in these circumstances.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 12/05/2019 17:59

This is an easy one. "I'm sorry, we can't afford to contribute. We don't have the funds. You must though surely, mum? You've been abroad twice this year already!"

LonelyTiredandLow · 12/05/2019 18:00

I also had a job whilst doing A'Levels - she can at least work weekends!
It might not be able to cover much but it will make sure she appreciates what she gets and it boosted me to study harder I didn't want to work in McDonalds for life!

maddening · 12/05/2019 18:01

Mummy dearest can suck up full time work if she needs the extra cash.....

Whatsnewpussyhat · 12/05/2019 18:01

If you gave her money she will never stop asking for more.

HappyHammy · 12/05/2019 18:02

Sorry mum, you can afford it and she can get a p.t. job. By the way did you declare your inheritance to the council?

Trippedupagain · 12/05/2019 18:04

YANBU and should feel no responsibility for this when you say no. If you pay up this time, she will ask for more.

Babes222 · 12/05/2019 18:05

Say no!!!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/05/2019 18:06

Id be blunt, tell them they should have started savings and perhaps more work and less holidays would be a better option than expecting a sibling to pay.

I feel sorry for your sister though.

Tinkerbell89 · 12/05/2019 18:09

Not your responsibility they are spending on luxuries not essentials. Tell them you can't help them financially as you would then be very tight on money & you have your own kids your saving for.

Abbazed · 12/05/2019 18:11

I worked at Bodycare and then Marks and Spencer to fund my A -levels. I also did a paper round and babysitting

FireflyEden · 12/05/2019 18:11

@dementedpixie actually you are incorrect, CB still gets paid up until they leave college to go to either uni or into employment.

Abbazed · 12/05/2019 18:12

McDonalds are always hiring and college does have funds

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/05/2019 18:14

Bish I thought the situation in England is that you have to stay in education until 18.

SamanthaBrique · 12/05/2019 18:16

Just to say, your sister is not the responsibility of your stepfather

She is if she's his daughter @TanMateix. I assume he's just OP's stepdad.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 12/05/2019 18:17

yanbu the 16 year old should get a part time job and at least make a nominal contribution. There is no way when they can afford luxury’s but can’t afford their child’s education I would put in a penny. I do believe in helping people out when they don’t have the means to afford the basics but not in this case and it is unfair to your OH to fund your family but not his.

Wonkybanana · 12/05/2019 18:18

Just say no. Don't get involved in grandparents helping or hardship funds. Don't say you're saving for a holiday for your own family or the guilt trip that will follow will be of epic proportions.

Kaddm · 12/05/2019 18:19

Your poor sister having parents who care more about pleasing themselves than getting their child access to education.

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