MIL & my baby DS.. thoughts?

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MIL comes to visit DS every 2-3 days. He's 11 days old today.

At first I had no problems with her visiting a lot. I had a EMCS and wasn't feeling great at all for the first week or so and was knackered and she helped out a lot.

Its not the visiting that annoys me so much, it's the fact that she keeps hold of him for the few hours that she's here. She wants to feed him, change him, wind him and I actually have to ask to have my baby back!

If any other family members pick him up she wants him back less than 5 minutes later. It's as though she's extremely jealous of anyone else having him.

She also told me she wakes up during the early hours of the morning to look at pictures of him because she misses him

What to think of this?

Bit excessive and a bit over the top. Holding him for hours is lovely but she's overstepping boundaries somewhat.

She sounds pretty intense. Could your DH ask her to tone it down a bit, maybe not visit for so long? It sounds well intentioned on her part, but too much. Hopefully as the novelty wears off she will chill out a bit.

She needs to chill out. The pictures thing is bonkers. It’s lovely - and understandable - that she’s besotted but not to this extent. Maybe the baby’s dad can take him from her and put him back in your arms when she’s held him for a bit?

The missing him comment is half nice and half wierd. I can see boundary issues cropping up before long but on the other hand its nice she's so keen.

She’s being weird. Don’t let her hold him the whole time she visits. He’s your baby, take him back, this is important bonding time for you.

My MIL was similar when DS1 was born and I thought it was great. I got a rest, shower, some food and the baby was loved massively.

She had him a day a week from 6 months and looked after him 2 days when I was at work, all of which was easy as he knew her so well from so early.

They still see him minimum of twice a week now he’s 6.

The close relationship was built over years. It’s wonderful knowing someone else loves him as much as we do.

I had this with mine. It stressed me out no end. I found it really possessive and she acted like my baby was hers!

My husband is very good at spotting her behaviour and stepping in, I'd advise your DH to do the same as it does help.

A year down the line I happily just say it firmly to her myself now, she needs to be told!

It’s only been 11 days, so she’s visited what, 4 times?

I’m sure the novelty will wear off and normal life will resume for her again soon.

I've had to say no to a few things so far.

She wanted to take him to see her friend for a few hours - said no. She wanted to have him overnight at her house - another no. She wanted to stay overnight at OUR house - again no!

Feel quite bad for my own mum because she said she doesn't feel like she even gets a look in. I feel the same and it's my own baby.

DP back at work Monday - I'm going to tell her we're okay on our own for the mean time and try to make her visits less frequent.

Can you just go to sleep then when she visits? I think I would if I could get away with it. It is a bit much though that it sounds like she can’t sleep for missing him.

Your mum could come the days she doesn’t.

Take him back of her when you want him back and do it confidently

She's now asking can she give him a bath

Tell her she's hogging him and has a time limit on how long she can hold him for. Sorted.

Why do people seem to keep having these issues but not actually say anything to the person involved? Why would you expect this to be resolved if you carry on saying nothing?

Yikes, he’s 11 days old so she’s visited about 4 times?! Time to cut down on the frequency of the visits. Say thank you for all her help then use whatever excuse you like- other people visiting, need some time alone to bond as a new family, you’re going out... and tell her she’s welcome to visit in 2 weeks as that’s when you’re next available.

She's treating him like a doll - cuddling, bathing, changing.

I'm not remotely possessive over my dc, but at 11 days old a baby needs a quick hold elsewhere and then to be back with their parents.

It's early days but it can go two ways

1. She'll loose interest as the novelty wears off.
2. She will become even worse.

Put firm boundaries in place now so she knows you are'nt a pushover. Unfortunately I think she'll be overbearing. She will try to navigate a 'special' exclusive relationship and she will try to compete against your mum.

Why are there so many overbearing grandmothers!? You see this kind of thing all the time on here.

The only thing you can do is to be honest and say, either you don't want her to visit so frequently. Or, when she does, she cannot expect to cling on to YOUR baby for the duration.

First grandchild?

I think you're worrying too soon. It's only been 11 days.

On the other hand, it's time to stand up for yourself (and your baby). You are mum now and what you say goes - put your boundaries in place and stick to them. 'No, MIL, I don't really want anyone else bathing him while he's so little'. 'I'm going to need baby back now MIL, I don't like other people holding him for a long time'.

The frequency wouldn't be such a problem if it was for half an hour but it's not. And it's escalating.

Are you up to visiting your mum yet so you're not there?

Otherwise can your mum get there early when your DH goes back to work?

Does she ask to come or just turn up? If she asks say it's not convenient today. If she's just turning up get your DH to stop it. Tell her you're seeing other people/resting/bonding/getting into a routine and she can come on X time on Y day for lunch.

BTW are you breast of FF feeding? If FF say you only want you or DH feeding.

Nothing wrong with saying to MIL something like:

"We're delighted that you're as besotted with DS as we are, it's wonderful to know our little boy is loved so much and that you'll be happy to pitch it with looking after him in the future. Right now in his first few weeks it's just a little much. I want to be the one that snuggles him all day and only hands him over to someone else for 2mins. We want to be the ones that do all his baths, all his nappies, all his overnights because he's our tiny newborn. I love how keen you are, but it's making me feel a bit crowded and defensive, and I really don't want any negative feelings creeping into our lovely relationship... please don't be offended, but would you mind just backing off a smidge?"

Make sure it goes in writing so it can't be twisted as you saying something nasty (if she's that sort of person, maybe she's not). And I would go with you sending it as you can always have the excuse of being in protective new mother mode and will be more readily forgiven if she does take offence. Perhaps also invite her over very soon so that she can't say that you are pushing her out.

She thinks the baby is hers. You need, or preferably her son needs, to tell her she is overstepping.

If you would prefer to see her once a week then maybe ask which day of the week she would like to visit from now on. Sundays? Mondays?

Your baby is 11 days old and someone who isn’t his parents is insisting they’re to hold him for hours at a time? I’m getting anxious just thinking about it.

Yes your MIL sounds a bit OTT, and you clearly need to monitor the situation but I cant help but feel a little envious. Neither my mum or my MIL could give a shit about any of their grandchildren. I'd love to have someone in their lives who love them as much as me and their dad does.

Tell her she's had her time at being a mother and this is your baby and you're the mum now. She'd have to be stupid to not understand that