MIL & my baby DS.. thoughts?

[incogneto]

MIL comes to visit DS every 2-3 days. He's 11 days old today.

At first I had no problems with her visiting a lot. I had a EMCS and wasn't feeling great at all for the first week or so and was knackered and she helped out a lot.

Its not the visiting that annoys me so much, it's the fact that she keeps hold of him for the few hours that she's here. She wants to feed him, change him, wind him and I actually have to ask to have my baby back!

If any other family members pick him up she wants him back less than 5 minutes later. It's as though she's extremely jealous of anyone else having him.

She also told me she wakes up during the early hours of the morning to look at pictures of him because she misses him

What to think of this?

It’s probably because this generation of pampered snowflakes just don’t have the sensible approach to babies you do and make their own lives difficult as a result, cathf, as it usually is with your contributions. hth?

@cathf We're all different. Some mums are happy to pass their baby around to anyone for a cuddle others are a bit more guarded and not keen on the idea. There's no right or wrong and certainly no bizarre

I wouldn't call it drama or fuss to support new mums in their choices and empower people to make choices that they are comfortable with. This isn't the 1950s, which is a very good thing!

My mother in law tried this - didn’t get very far with me I’m afraid.

She kept insisting she wanted to take DS to her house to meet her friends without either me or DH being there. Why?! I said whoever she’d like to introduce him too would be more than welcome to come to our home, or his christening. But DS wasn’t going anywhere without one of his parents being present! It’s bizarre!

Can only hope when I become a MIL I learn from the weird behaviour I’ve experienced!

Do you have any children cathf ? Because the only thing bizarre here is your attitude towards a new mother wanting to bond with her new baby . It’s not a possession of the wider family it is precious to the new parents.

“Why should MiL get to enjoy those lovely newborn special days and not the OP? They're the best ones”

Why can’t they both? The mil has visited for a couple of hours 4 times in 11 days-and the OP has said she was grateful for the help at first.

Obviously say no to overnights, or visits to friends, and stomp if she goes on about it, but I honestly can’t see what else she’s done wrong.

I just do not 'get' the possessiveness, drama and general fuss around new mums and babies that seems to be the accepted norm today

It’s not remotely a new thing - my DM is in her 70s and remembers feeling annoyed when DGM did the same to her.

Do you have children? Did you really not want to hold them at all in the first two weeks? Because if so, that seems far more bizarre to me (and sounds more like undiagnosed PND than a refreshing lack of possessiveness).

I would thank her for her help but say I'm feeling better now & looking for some bonding time with baby but you'll see her soon. Perhaps give her a date to go out & meet for coffee out of the home and let her have a quick cuddle then ask for baby back. Start baby wearing if she's around. It's not her child sounds like she's too attached and needs to learn boundaries & her place. Your mum what you say goes & I'm sure you want your baby back. Start giving her dates to meet if you're happy to, to keep her happy & hopefully away so she isn't popping by all the time.

“Did you really not want to hold them at all in the first two weeks? ”

I held mine all the time for ages- except when other people I trusted held them. I loved my babies being loved by other people. It showed how right I was to think they were the most wonderful creatures ever created.

“. Perhaps give her a date to go out & meet for coffee out of the home and let her have a quick cuddle then ask for baby back. Start baby wearing if she's around. It's not her child sounds like she's too attached and needs to learn boundaries & her place.“

Blimey. She’s a grandmother, not a random work colleague!

It is lovely that she loves babyDS so much, but she's overwhelming you and it doesn't sound like she's asking you when would suit you best for her to pop round. If course you want her to see him but at a manageable level that is good for you all. He's a newborn and that time chilling and bonding is very important.

Your baby, your rules. Decide what you want or don’t want- and make it clear. She needs to honor your wishes- and the special relationship of a mother & newborn baby.

This ^^

It's important for babies and children to have wider family around, but not at expense of your bonding with baby and peace.

I'd be inclined to say you'll text her if you want help or a break or/ make sure she books in visits with you when you want not when she insists nor how long she inisists. If you have other visitors, send her home - I'd quietly but firmly say, "Thanks MIL it's been great to see you but so&so (or his other grandma) has arrived (as invited!) and want to see us and baby so we'll see you again soon .. . Or thanks MIL but it's time for us to have out quiet time together back, I'll get your handbag.."

And nip long visits in the bud. "Right, baby and I are want our quiet mummy time back, so see you again soon later in the week/next week...."

Op don't let this become a problem just say no to the things you aren't comfortable with and each time you see her arrange the next meet up time so you can make it clear you wont be open to visitors as you are "busy" on other days.

Make sure you make your mum feel as involved as mil. Its not mil's job to do that, it's yours and your partners

It's perfectly fine to say " it was nice to see you mil, we are busy now most of this week but perhaps Thursday evening when DH is back from work you would like to come over and see us" repeat this each time you see her and if she drops in unannounced make it clear it's not convenient. You can just say "sorry we are really busy tonight so will have to catch up with you on Thursday as arranged"

It's up to you to put boundaries in place

I’d be furious if my mil wanted my child overnight at 11 DAYS OLD. That is mental. All he knows is his mum, he’s been inside you for 9 months.

Has she got a key?
If not, just don't answer the door when she pops around after DH back at work. If questioned, you were resting.

If she has a key... change the locks!!

Your mil has had her own precious early days with her own dc. Gate crashing the op's is nasty fuckery.

I’d be furious if my mil wanted my child overnight at 11 DAYS OLD.“

Would you be furious if she asked, you said no and she never mentioned it again?

Your mil has had her own precious early days with her own dc. Gate crashing the op's is nasty fuckery

If the MIL hasn’t been told she’s not welcome then she’s not hate crashing, as for “nasty fuckery” erm no it’s not!

*I’d be furious if my mil wanted my child overnight at 11 DAYS OLD.“

Would you be furious if she asked, you said no and she never mentioned it again?*

I don’t know about furious but I’d certainly be wtf even think of it much less ask. It is weird.

It certainly sounds very pushy. If you’re not comfortable with what your MIL wants then you should say no. It’s you’d DS at the end of the day, not your MIL’s.

Grandparents can get carried away and sometimes need reminding that they’re not the parents. My DM can act as if she were the actual parent. I’ve learnt to stand up to her now but it it didn’t come easily to me.

As I say, I realise I am in a minority here, but I just do not 'get' the possessiveness, drama and general fuss around new mums and babies that seems to be the accepted norm today.

I suppose attachment theory is fairly modern, stemming from research done in the 40s and 50s. And I know that many people now in their 50s and older do have attachment issues due to their unavailable and ill-attuned parents who didn't understand how to and probably couldn't meet their children's attachment needs. Thankfully we understand what babies need now, and whilst some people like @cathf might struggle with these concepts due to their own attachment style the majority of parents want to create healthy, secure attachments in their newborn infants.

I’m a Attachment/baby wearing hippy dippy/co sleeping/bf for a year/never let them cry parent. Mine didn’t have a cot or a pram. Still loved seeing other people who loved my babies cuddling them.

Invite your DM round whenever MIL visits. You can make sure your DM gets her fair share of cuddles and put MIL back in her box a bit at the same time. It is lovely though that she already adores him. You'll be glad of that in time.

Sure of course, that's lovely. But there is a huge difference between loved ones having a cuddle and someone who tries to hold the baby for hours and has to be asked to hand her back, and tries to take her away from the mum!

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your DS, OP.

I think you and your DH need to present a united front on this one to tell MIL that this number of visits and her crazy requests are just too much. She is welcome to come and visit and to hold the baby but at times which suit you all. Once she steps over the mark and makes you feel uncomfortable she has to leave.

My MIL (and FIL)was a bit the same; totally didn’t get the support we needed (also had a c section baby) and too busy playing with dolly. In the end we had a falling out and they didn’t see DD for a couple of months.

Speak up now, be calm and assertive. Remember you hold ALL of the cards in this one. MIL either calms down or she won’t get to see DGS.

I've reread your op and it does seem to me that you just need to be more assertive. Just because she wants to feed/bathe/cuddle doesn't mean she gets to.

Bertrand, it was this I was responding to from Cathf:

“I think it is unhealthy to be so obsessed with your baby that you just seemingly want to spend hours on end sitting cuddling him/her”

At 11 days I definitely wanted to spend all day sitting and cuddling DS for hours on end, gazing at him and thinking how perfect he was! Obviously that stage passes, but I don’t know anyone who didn’t feel like that for the first few days. DH felt the same. My friends all report feeling the same about their children. My DM felt the same about me (and also about DS!).

I can’t imagine anyone thinking wanting to cuddle your newborn is weird and unhealthy. It seems like the most natural think in the world.