MIL & my baby DS.. thoughts?

[incogneto]

MIL comes to visit DS every 2-3 days. He's 11 days old today.

At first I had no problems with her visiting a lot. I had a EMCS and wasn't feeling great at all for the first week or so and was knackered and she helped out a lot.

Its not the visiting that annoys me so much, it's the fact that she keeps hold of him for the few hours that she's here. She wants to feed him, change him, wind him and I actually have to ask to have my baby back!

If any other family members pick him up she wants him back less than 5 minutes later. It's as though she's extremely jealous of anyone else having him.

She also told me she wakes up during the early hours of the morning to look at pictures of him because she misses him

What to think of this?

Wind her back she's mad. Go to visit her once a week and keep baby in a sling. What is the matter with these ppl. Stop this now or it will be a nightmare

Agree with others that she needs telling to back off..... unfortunately I had a MIL exactly like this and it didn’t end well, but you will look back and be sad that you allowed so much special time to be ruined by others. She has had her time as a first time mum, this is your precious time. Put your foot down now (you and OH present a united front) before she makes even more demands x

My PIL were like this. Constantly visiting for hours and expected to be holding my newborn the entire time.

I wish I'd nipped it in the bud early.

Healthy relationships involve boundaries. You are the Mum. Your baby is not a toy to be shared equally. Newborns belong with their mums, so if you have an urge to take him back- trust it!

Say firmly and politely 'Ill have him for a cuddle now, thanks MIL.' Or 'today isn't a good day for us, would you like to visit when DH is home on Saturday instead?'

Start spacing out those visits.

Don't send anything in writing as per sleep warrior's suggestion. Anything put in writing never dies. You'll sound barking mad and she'll be hurt and able to show what you wrote to people.

Just say " time for me to hold him now" and take him. And carry on saying no to suggestions. And no to her visiting at least 50% of the time.
And if she mentions the photo thing again say "careful...you sound a bit creepy there" and laugh.

When dh goes back to work you need to be less available. Start venturing out with ds. Do not invite her.
Give her a slot when dh is home. He can manage her ott behaviour...

You should put strict boundaries in place now. He's your child so don't sit back quietly seething because she probably sees nothing wrong with what she's doing and it's obviously driving you mad plus it's only been 11 days!! Tell her to back off, arrange to just have your mum over and tell mil your having some time with just her.

You need to reduce contact. Either be honest and tell her that she is too much or be less available for her to be able to visit.

11 days old? Is it her first GC? I’d cut down the visits in your shoes and take your baby back when you want to hold him. She sounds very ott tbh.

I sympathise OP my MIL is similar... I had to speak to DP about it as it was stressing me out so much. I also had EMCS and they were round loads the first week because I couldn’t do a lot, even then I felt encroached and asked DP for space. This is the time for you to bond with your baby, it’s so important to stand up for that.

My MIL likes to ‘go for a walk’ with DD and leave the room for ages which I find so stressful - I know I’m hormonal but why take her away - I would never do that to someone else’s baby! And then just wanting to pop round all the time and when we managed to have a week off from visits saying it was too long ‘and it wouldn’t happen again’ We were not close before the baby (in fact she wasn’t quite negative and critical of me) but now I’m suddenly supposed to spend half my week with them! She’s also very overbearing and tactless in terms of advice and just manages to make me feel like a shitty mum (including the fact that I had a C-section rather than an ‘impressive’ natural birth like a family friend did)

I was getting so stressed and overwhelmed I broke down to DP and now we’re working on a basis of one visit a week - this might increase as I feel more comfortable around her but it’s really helped me feel less stressed and upset which frankly is what really matters - as I’m the one providing all the food, missing out on sleep and dealing with mad hormones and general anxiety.

Can you agree on something similar with your DP? Just saying no and having that respected will make a huge difference and hopefully help you have a good relationship in the future (if she can be reasonable/normal).

Sorry for the slight personal rant but maybe it helps to know others are going through the same kind of thing?

Good luck!

Your baby, your rules.
Decide what you want or don’t want- and make it clear.
She needs to honor your wishes- and the special relationship of a mother & newborn baby.

My MIL was like this, she used to visit every single day, literally, often for most of the day. I struggled with my milk supply because I didn't have enough contact. It got to the point that DD wouldn't settle to sleep for anyone else but MIL, unless she was physically on us. If/when we put her down, she would immediately wake up. It was intolerable, the first couple of years were dreadful & we were regularly co-sleeping until she was about 4. MIL could settle her & put her down to sleep no problem. I wish I'd realised earlier how destructive it would turn out to be. It really contributed to my PND & to sleep issues with DD. DH really wants a second child, DD wants a baby brother or sister, but I can't go through all that again. It's destroyed any hope of my having a good relationship with MIL (I am always polite to her). DH knows why, but that past is the past. I am sad & a bit angry about it though. I always imagined we'd have more than one child.

Yikes! that is OTT.
I have a friend who has never been allowed to hold her grandson - no cuddles at all, ever..... she is heart broken, her grandson is now18 months old and they are a close family with no "issues".... they see their son and his wife regularly, helped them renovate and move house.... but her DiL has never let them hold their first grandchild.
That is too far the other way, IMHO, but it's the mother who decides.

So you get to decide what you want - your MiL doesn't.

Those things she's asking for are bat shit crazy.

I was extremely laid back and able to share my DD, but it would never have been OK for people to take her off for a walk or overnight. When she was 4 weeks old I had mastitis and my mum helped out, fed her, took her for a walk etc - but I had asked for that help as I badly needed to sleep.

I've never even heard of anyone wanting to take a baby overnight at such a young age!! That's pretty shocking tbh.

Your baby, not your MIL’s baby and she needs to give you some space.

Your MIL is behaving like a nutcase, but you haven't said anything to her so she probably doesn't even realise. You need to nip this in the bud now or it's going to become a huge problem that could cause a lot of upset. You don't have to be aggressive, just things like taking the baby back after she's held him for 5 mins, saying no to her feeding him, not accepting her visiting unannounced etc. It's your baby, it's up to you what happens and when. Stop bending to her will, she has no business dictating anything that goes on with your baby.

I always find threads like this one to he a little bizarre, although I appreciate I am in a very small minority here.
I think it is unhealthy to be so obsessed with your baby that you just seemingly want to spend hours on end sitting cuddling him/her. So much so that when someone else wants a cuddle, you feel threatened, stressed and all the other emotive words always trotted out on this, sort of discussion.
Several posters have said the baby is not a doll, yet you are being so possessive, just like a child with a toy they don't want to share.
Yes it's YOUR baby (although it's your oh's baby as well, of course) but is it really so awful that someone else might want to help out?

How are her visits arranged? Does she ring before hand? Does she go through DH?

Firstly i would refuse the next visit which is proposed (you're going out or having a friend round, whatever excuse you like) and hold her off till next weekend. At that point suggest a visit to her house with the baby for a couple of hours and then come home. Maybe the week after you could suggest she comes to you on the friday afternoon for a couple of hours. Just start getting into a more normal amount of grandparent contact.

Just ''No, sorry'' to all the bloody bath, long walk and overnight requests. If she gets insistent send in DH.

I think if she’s only there for a few hours use the time to have a shower, a rest, a hot cup of tea and an uninterrupted meal.

I think it is unhealthy to be so obsessed with your baby that you just seemingly want to spend hours on end sitting cuddling him/her.

but that's exactly what the MIL is doing The baby is ELEVEN DAYS OLD. Not yet two weeks.The mum should be fierce about having the baby close to her all the time right now.

Why doesn’t your mum just visit on other days? Then you get another shower etc etc.

Why can’t she give him a bath?

Cath helping out is making a cuppa /meal /iron. Not holding a sleeping baby.

I wouldn't want anyone else other than me or my DH to have bathed my 11 day old baby either.

I don't think we actually bathed DD4 till she was about 3 weeks old! Just wipes down till then.

Nobody with an ounce of common sense or empathy would ask to have somebody else's newborn overnight, or to take them off out. That's not just a bit excited and overbearing.

Talk to your dh. If it’s too much for you then you should tell her. Firmly. It’s your house, your baby, so your rules.

The bath probably wouldn't be such an issue to OP if it wasn't for all the other stuff. 'Let me know if you want me to pop him in the bath whilst you have a bit of rest' is a bit different from it just being the latest in a long line of demands and intrusion.