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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL & my baby DS.. thoughts?

229 replies

incogneto · 11/05/2019 13:54

MIL comes to visit DS every 2-3 days. He's 11 days old today.

At first I had no problems with her visiting a lot. I had a EMCS and wasn't feeling great at all for the first week or so and was knackered and she helped out a lot.

Its not the visiting that annoys me so much, it's the fact that she keeps hold of him for the few hours that she's here. She wants to feed him, change him, wind him and I actually have to ask to have my baby back!

If any other family members pick him up she wants him back less than 5 minutes later. It's as though she's extremely jealous of anyone else having him.

She also told me she wakes up during the early hours of the morning to look at pictures of him because she misses him Confused

What to think of this?

OP posts:
Mayalready · 13/05/2019 21:32

Message her early tomo, say sorry but you are having a lazy day with ds. Offer a time when dh is home and is convenient. Switch off your phone, close curtains + lock the door. Ignore if she calls round. A few times of this she will get the message.
Yanbu to do this op!

Dandelion1993 · 13/05/2019 21:32

Tomorrow, lock your front door or go out and enjoy a day just you and your baby. She's being completely ridiculous coming every few days.

Frankola · 13/05/2019 21:35

She's just a bit over excited. My MIL is the opposite. Unless we make the effort and go to her she doesn't bother with our now 2 year old. I'd kill to be in your shoes and know how dearly your baby is loved.

If I were you I'd use the time to go for a nice soak in the bath or a nap. Enjoy the peace and quiet. In a few months you'll be glad of her frequent visits Smile

janetforpresident · 13/05/2019 21:46

If you decide to see her tomorrow why not drop in at hers so you can just stay for an hour?

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 21:56

“She's being completely ridiculous coming every few days.”

Despite the fact that the OP was glad of her help at the beginning?

ThePerturbedPenguin · 13/05/2019 22:06

Can you invite her to come round later in the week, and then have plans to go out or something an hour or two later so she has to leave?

Cherrysoup · 13/05/2019 22:23

She said she definitely wants to see DS tomorrow.

Tough shit

Exactly! She does not get to dictate to you when you have to be available/at home/have her round. Omg, this would drive me NUTS! Tell her you’ll see her when it suits you, not her.

TriciaH87 · 13/05/2019 22:25

Tell her straight your his mother you will care for him. She can have short cuddles like everyone else. If she tries taking baby back after 5 minutes from someone tell her straight he is fine where he is. Start taking him back off her after a few minutes. Make sure she knows her place or this will continue until she wares you down. I would not let her care for him alone Asby the sound of it I would worry she would not bring him back.

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 22:30

“Make sure she knows her place or this will continue until she wares you down. I would not let her care for him alone Asby the sound of it I would worry she would not bring him back.”

Fuck me- this is insane!!

MummyMayo1988 · 14/05/2019 00:36

Goodness!
I have to agree with other posters; she's getting a little possessive Confused
Thankfully I never had this problem - both Nancy's were happy to give babies back after a little cuddle and I BF with no expressing. They had no choice but to give them back after a couple of hours so I could feed.
As others have said; set firm boundaries! Tell her you want to get him in the habit of sleeping on his own in his cot/moses basket; without the need to be cuddled 24/7. Snuggles on the sofa are lovely but it's not so nice at 3am and your baby won't sleep unless hes in your arms! At the end of the day; hes YOUR baby! What you say; goes!

MRex · 14/05/2019 00:53

What @BertrandRussell has been saying. It looks like some of you are projecting like mad, rather than looking at the actual situation the OP is in.

I'm so grateful for my MIL, though I just counted and realised she visited 5 times in his first 2 weeks. I don't remember if we invited her each time or if she asked, but it would have been one or the other one or the other. She hasn't run away with him yet.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 14/05/2019 04:51

@BertrandRussell But he was born to be her grandson!

What nonsense. He was not born to be anyones grandson and it's not his job to provide entertainment for his grandmother. He is a person in his own right and his mother is best placed to decide what his needs are. If her biological instincts (honed over Millenia) are saying to keep him close then that's more important than pleasing granny I am afraid.

also just because she appreciated help while recovering from a c-section doesn't mean she is obligated to accept it forever. Almost as important as caring for an invalid person is knowing to step back as the person recovers, and support them in regaining their independence and autonomy. She doesn't get to take over baby care for hours three times a week indefinitely just because DIL needed help for one week post delivery.

I'm also with PPs that baby holding in the early days is not usually particularly helpful, unless the mother thinks otherwise. it's scientifically proven that skin on skin with the mother prevents breastfeeding problems and PND. Families genuinely wanting to 'help' should bring meals, fold laundry etc so the mother has more time and energy to focus on her bond with the newborn, which is far more crucial than theirs. Baby holding offers tend to be more about the wants of the person expecting to hold the baby than they are about the needs of the mum.

@OP you can be polite but firm with her. You set the schedule here, she doesn't get to dictate based on what she 'definitely wants' Shock. I like PPs idea of buying her a gift and a card as a kind way of signifying the 'end of an era', thank her for the help she gave while you needed it (past tense), and let her know that you've got it from here, you'll call if you need anything. You lost time with bubs while you were recovering so you're going to hunker down and have some uninterrupted mum & baby time now.

Find baby groups, music classes, library activities etc so your week fills up with things you find social and engaging. If you sit at home accomodating MIL visits you will miss out on getting out and about.

ambereeree · 14/05/2019 05:40

OP i get like this sometimes but honestly step back and use that time to have a long bath or sleep. If baby is bf she has to give him back anyway. My Indian MIL is like this...being a Grandmother to her son's children has fulfilled her destiny. She would insist on grabbing the baby any chance she could.

Itsnotme123 · 15/05/2019 07:14

I was told by the nurse that it’s bad habit for the baby to sleep in someone’s arms, as they get used to it and then don’t settle when they’re put in a cot. Sounds like she’s not doing you any favours at all.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2019 07:36

Just in case anyone’s worried-you can t give an 11 day old “bad habits” and anyone who tells you you can is an idiot. If your baby wants to be cuddled, cuddle him.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/05/2019 07:39

Was that in the 1969’s itsnotme?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/05/2019 07:40

*1960’s

MyCatHogsTheBed · 15/05/2019 08:00

"I'm sorry MIL I don't want a visitor tomorrow. I need a few days time out from visitors with just DH me and baby for now. DH will be in touch."

(When she's on the cusp of hogging him) "okay, time he came back to me thanks" (while taking baby). I'd love a brew please.

I'd strategically ignore the weird messages about her waking up to look at photos of him. It sounds like a phantom pregnancy, she's got all the hormones associated with a newborn but they're too much in a body that isn't baby's actual mum's.

likeridingabike · 15/05/2019 08:31

My ex MIL visited my first baby daily for weeks and continued to overstep boundaries, first grandchild syndrome. It's only since I divorced her son I've managed to reset the boundaries and that's been very difficult. Start as you mean to go on,

WillLokireturn · 15/05/2019 09:17

I'm with the PPs who say you get to say when you want visitors, MIL or not. Aim for twice a week short visits if local unless it suits you otherwise. This is precious bonding and sleeping days when you can, and you don't need to be worrying about a visitor when it's a day you and baby want to just "be".

It's good to get out and join groups and baby might be tired afterwards so you'll be beginning to get a real routine in.

You can always say you'll text mid morning If you are up to a visit later or ask her to come when DH is home in early evening but you say which day.

When my parents visited (they live 3 hours away) they asked, booked it around me and stayed but spent most their time cooking, helping with jobs housework & shopping, so I could rest and focus on baby. They brought me tea and offered to take baby for 20 mins so I could drink tea hot. That was a help.

They were really glad when I suggested they cuddled baby at regular points during day, but they were just glad to see him and watch him play on his mat or in his bouncy chair too. My dad loved entertaining him with rattles and toys. And "chatting" with him. They have a brilliant bond with all my DCs.

They never once asked to walk him to shops or take him out - they'd offer I could ask them but they didn't want to interfere and would do so if I asked them. They asked if I wanted him back if he was unsettled in their arms or could they try, and watched him downstairs sometimes saying I could go to sleep upstairs if I wanted. I realise now how fab and respectful they were compared to other family. They've taken my DC individually on short break holidays too when older.

My MIL was hard work and descended on me for days at a time but didn't help and expected to be waited on. I had to tiptoe around at night when he woke up the house, as she moaned how little sleep she'd had ( 🙄 extra pressure). I liked seeing her bond but didn't like the long stays and old fashioned advice. Gradually her visits became less - twice a year, so they facetimed her.
I drove baby to stay at here before into my DParents and found a 2 hour visit enough as her house was unsafe for exploring toddlers.

My DSis, no children, was fabulous but overwhelming and gave me no space when she stayed (literally sitting next to me and stroking baby feet or hands when I was bf!) . She also expected me to do all the cooking etc. But we were close and I could say 'step back Sis you're crowding me'. She also did everything like nappies so wasn't just about the cuddles, and read every book going and asked my opinion if she could and was she doing it right. She adored them and they her. I really loved their relationship and have no regrets I survived her 6-8 lots of one week long visit year! Once my DC3 was 7 months I was handing her over as soon as Dsis walked through the door with her suitcases 😂

WillLokireturn · 15/05/2019 09:22

I guess the difference with my DSis was that unlike your MIL, I could say no to my DSis, could relax around her , we both stayed in our PJ's sometimes, and it wasn't every week just in pockets of time and two short visits in first 3 months, so I had time on my own to get baby into routine which Dsis followed religiously (better than me!)

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 15/05/2019 10:09

"Phantom pregnancy"..."she thinks he's her baby"..."she might not bring him back"..."hide him in the bedroom and lie"... Shock

Some of these replies are on a whole other level of bonkers.

All I'm seeing is a grandmother in love and excited at having a new grandchild. Do you know what her experience was as a first time mother? Maybe she's doing what her mother did, or what she wishes her mother did. If you dont tell her she is being too much then how will she know?

Please dont let any of the nasty suggestions in this thread rile you up. People are projecting like crazy. It doesn't sound like there is any malice in her actions. She's just excited and unaware you dont want this level of attention anymore. It has only been 2 weeks. Everyone is still finding their place and boundaries. There is no need to make it a drama. Talk. To. Her.

edgeofheaven · 15/05/2019 10:18

I just do not 'get' the possessiveness, drama and general fuss around new mums and babies that seems to be the accepted norm today

My grandfather's has plenty of stories about how he used to argue with my great grandmother (his MIL) over her insistence on carrying my DM and taking her out and about against their wishes when she was a baby!

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2019 10:44

I think it might be something to do with smaller families? I would imagine if you had 4 tiny children , you would probably be happy for the child catcher to look after a few of them for you!

Alsohuman · 15/05/2019 10:55

Good point. My gran had five under five at one stage. I imagine if someone had offered to hold the latest baby she’d have thrown her at them.

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