MIL & my baby DS.. thoughts?

[incogneto]

MIL comes to visit DS every 2-3 days. He's 11 days old today.

At first I had no problems with her visiting a lot. I had a EMCS and wasn't feeling great at all for the first week or so and was knackered and she helped out a lot.

Its not the visiting that annoys me so much, it's the fact that she keeps hold of him for the few hours that she's here. She wants to feed him, change him, wind him and I actually have to ask to have my baby back!

If any other family members pick him up she wants him back less than 5 minutes later. It's as though she's extremely jealous of anyone else having him.

She also told me she wakes up during the early hours of the morning to look at pictures of him because she misses him

What to think of this?

No to overnights. No to long walks/visits to other people. Not sure what’s so wrong with anything else!

“Cath helping out is making a cuppa /meal /iron. Not holding a sleeping baby.“

But holding s sleeping baby is lovely........

I don’t know why mils can be like this. I’m worried having another baby in the same city as my mil will be damaging as it’s bad enough when the baby is 10 weeks which is when they’ve visited previously. However it is easier with subsequent ones though as you can ask them to look after the older one, which was very helpful for us. With our first mil literally wanted to hold him all day. I did all the cooking etc, until I got too pissed off to breathe!

Holding OP's day's old baby for hours at a time isn't lovely for her. I would be perfectly happy to let grandparents hold and cuddle, even bath if they wanted. But that's because they weren't demanding to take my baby overnight or removing them from me for hours on end. Had they done so anything they asked would probably have pissed me off tbh even if it seemed reasonable in isolation.

This should be a lovely time for you and DH, don't let this overbearing, insensitive woman spoil it for you.

Don't send an email, just confront it head on, gently. Next time she's been holding the baby for as long as YOU feel happy with, just go over and lift him away. No big drama, no apologies, just take him off and do whatever you'd be doing with him if she wasn't there. If she says anything don't engage, just ignore/smile/hmm.

As to bathing, overnights, walks. If you don't want her to then "no thanks" is fine. Again, no explanation, no apologies. The fact she's behaving the way she is shows nothing you say will be an adequate response. She just wants what she wants. Well, so do you, but you're the one entitled to in this instance.

I'd also be less available, let her know that actually you're just having a quiet day that day, no visitors, maybe tomorrow.

Don't feel guilty about it. That's what she's relying on.

cathf It is not possible for the mother of an 11 DAY OLD to be possessive. The baby needs to be with the mother or father. OP next time you need to take the baby back or just say 'sorry we're just having a bit of time here.' Prepare for bit c hing comments etc but it beats that! Also ask her loads about when your dh was a baby, maybe she's finally seeing her own are all grown up and it's getting to her. What does your dh think?( Sorry if I missed this)

@cathf but it is a natural way to be with your newborn baby, how is it unhealthy to want to spend hours cuddling them?!

You need to be mama bear and lay down some boundaries. Find your voice.

She wanted your 11 day old newborn baby to stay with her overnight? WTF? Without you? That’s beyond weird.

The earlier you set boundaries the better.

I had similar too. I had an emCS too. MIL visited for about 4 hours three times a week and was no help. Only there to eat all my food, drink tea and hold my son for hours whilst he slept in her arms. I was deprived of sleep (because I should have been sleeping whilst DS was sleeping) and I became very resentful. In the end I made it very clear DS and I were starting a 'routine' and I would bring him around to MIL house when I wished her to see DS. She did try 'just to pop by' a few times but I got wise to that and had all the blinds closed and the doorbell disconnected and the buggy in the living room, not the hall, so it looked like we were out and about. It is precious time you will never have back and all these people do is suck away the joy of your new born time whilst selfishly eating all your food in your cupboard and with no thought to bring a casserole or food items next time and deprive you of much needed rest from a difficult birth.

I would enjoy the attention and help while it lasts she will chill out eventually. Especially as baby is only 11 days old. Use the time shes there to rest or do things that need done. Easy for me to say as i was probably same when first was born... now on my 3rd and any help is welcome lol

Can you just try the laugh and 'oh MIL, you ARE funny! Did YOUR MIL take DP for an overnight / bath / hold him for hours at a time at under 2 weeks old? Thought not! How would you have felt if she had??'
You might also need 'MIL things have changed a lot since you were a Mum, these days we know that xyz is safer and better for babies, and I know you will want us to keep him safe, won't you?'
As long as you keep smiling, she shouldn't take offence.

She sounds very overwhelming. In the long run it’d obviously be better if she backed off a bit and had a decent relationship with her grandchild (& you!) rather than if you fell out with her in a big way though. So while it’s probably tempting to yell at her, I’d use it as practice to make your wishes as DS’s mum clear.

“I’ll take him back now, MIL.”

“I’ll feed him myself, thanks.”

“Thanks for offering to give him a bath, but not yet. When he’s a bit older though.”

And tell the family members she’s pestering for him after 5 mins to do the same. Tell your mum to come around whenever, don’t try to slit into MIL’s existing schedule. Feel free to say things like “we’re havingeg a quiet day ourselves today, I’ll see you on Friday/next week/soon” if you’re overwhelmed with visits.

Hopefully she’ll tone it down a bit.

I need to do x for my baby.
You had your chance to be a mum, it's my turn.
We'll pop round next Saturday to see you.

Etc, set your limits, when there she can pop round unannounced etc

I would enjoy the attention and help while it lasts she will chill out eventually. Especially as baby is only 11 days old

Why should MiL get to enjoy those lovely newborn special days and not the OP? They're the best ones!

And as for the poor GM who has never been allowed to cuddle her DGC at all in 18 months- words fail me. I'd have to have had that one out. That's the other extreme and equally batshit (unless we're talking severe PND)

My Mil is full on too! Possibly not quite as full on as yours though.
I have very quickly learned to say no! Second baby is now 13 days old and we would have had 3 visits in the first week if I hadn't have said no. I made it very clear the second week we were having NO visitors.

Oh, and my mum and MIL both went a bit odd at the first grandchild (“let’s run away from Mummy!” and disappearing off with my newborn as i limped my post-section body after them) but calmed down a lot after the first few weeks. Hopefully she’ll do the same.

Congrats on your new baby.

I echo what a PP said about babywearing. It’s perfect for these situations, as well as being so lovely for you and baby to be in constant close contact with each other. Please google it and try out something - you can use a sling library if there’s one near you. Then when an overbearing visitor arrives, you just say, “oh, I just got baby in here and w/he’s calmed right down. We’ll leave the hugs until later/next time”. Magic!

Also, definitely get in the habit of not answering the door every time an unannounced visit happens. Meet out if you can so you can control the length of your time together. I know getting out with a newborn can be a bit daunting but they’re quite portable if you’re feeling well (and again, babywearing helps).

Lastly, if you have a health visitor, get her to make some kind of comment in front of your husband: “lots of visitors admiring baby? That’s great. Just make sure you’re not overdoing it, incogneto - you need plenty of rest and baby needs to spend most of his/her time in mummy’s arms”.

Look you need to be blunt. She's had her own child(ren), she needs to let you parent yours. You will just feel more and more resentful if you don't.

I feel for you op. She's really overstepping the mark and putting you both in such an awkward position, clearly putting her needs first.

I'd just be out when she plans on visiting or "out" but upstairs having a nap with baby. Take baby back after a reasonable amount of cuddle time when she visits, every time.

My friend was in a similar position and although she switched to ff after about a month or so they both lied to the MIL and said that she was exclusively breastfed and couldn't get anything much of a pump when they tried as every visit would turn into an interrogation as to why they she couldn't stay there. She was that ott that she went and spent a fortune on a pump and dropped it off the next day...this carried on to attempting feeding her dc solid foods for a "taste" at 4 months and "look, she clearly needs proper food because she likes it". I'd put your foot down now before it gets worse.

Nothing weird or wrong about a mum wanting to hold their baby all the time. I'd get twitchy and want them back if anyone was holding mine for more than ten minutes.

I know how she feels, I felt it was like in being in love! I couldn't stop thinking about my grandchildren when they were born. However, I realized it was not helpful to anyone to be so pushy, as to hog the baby.
I think it takes some grandmothers by suprise , how powerful the love is, and they find it quite hard to control. I think you and her son need to gently tell her this behaviour is not on, and it is upsetting you.

I understand wholly how you feel and you're definitely not being unreasonable. However I would not make a grand conversation over this. You can't change her behaviour but you can change yours. Start saying no. No over explanations, no waffling. Just start being assertive. I know your DS is 22 days old and it'll be hard to muster up enough energy to get out often but do try to start not being in. Also close some curtains. Either have a nap or pretend you are then don't answer the door. When she's round and hogging the baby just say 'come on grandma mummy needs to feed him now' if she says 'ill do it' say 'that's alright ill do it - "come here DS" whilst you're lifting him out of her, arms. Cue subject change.'did you watch any of those dramas on itv recently?' rinse and repeat. She may calm down when the novelty has worn off and don't forget to be thankful of a loving doting grandparent that may jump at the chance to give you free childcare in the future. Just do as above. Put some boundaries in place and stick to your guns on it. She will eventually get the picture and stop with the overbearing stuff be cause she'll have to.

Just take him back. If your mum and mil are there at the same time, once mil has had a cuddle give him to your mum. I agree with pp about not making a big drama about it, just tell her no. If you want him back, just take him.

As I say, I realise I am in a minority here, but I just do not 'get' the possessiveness, drama and general fuss around new mums and babies that seems to be the accepted norm today.
A new baby is a new member of the wider family, not a precious toy to be jealously guarded by mum and dad.
Bizarre.