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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL & my baby DS.. thoughts?

229 replies

incogneto · 11/05/2019 13:54

MIL comes to visit DS every 2-3 days. He's 11 days old today.

At first I had no problems with her visiting a lot. I had a EMCS and wasn't feeling great at all for the first week or so and was knackered and she helped out a lot.

Its not the visiting that annoys me so much, it's the fact that she keeps hold of him for the few hours that she's here. She wants to feed him, change him, wind him and I actually have to ask to have my baby back!

If any other family members pick him up she wants him back less than 5 minutes later. It's as though she's extremely jealous of anyone else having him.

She also told me she wakes up during the early hours of the morning to look at pictures of him because she misses him Confused

What to think of this?

OP posts:
GPatz · 12/05/2019 02:46

'Would you be furious if she asked, you said no and she never mentioned it again'?

This sort of thing always crops up for in these threads. It's suggesting that if you don't put up with certain behaviours from GP's, then they may well offer not to help out in the future.

Whilst there may be some GP's who are that petty, I think most GP's are very understanding of boundaries.

MariaNovella · 12/05/2019 06:36

I had absolutely no issues handing my newborn to my own mother - it felt like the most natural thing in the world! But I wasn’t going to hand my baby round like a parcel to a wide range of family and friends and nor was my mother going to do that either.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 06:47

“I can’t imagine anyone thinking wanting to cuddle your newborn is weird and unhealthy. It seems like the most natural think in the world.“

No, neither can I!

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 06:51

“'Would you be furious if she asked, you said no and she never mentioned it again'?

This sort of thing always crops up for in these threads. It's suggesting that if you don't put up with certain behaviours from GP's, then they may well offer not to help out in the future.”

That wasn’t what I meant. What I meant was I can understand being furious if a mil asks for something unacceptable and keeps asking despite being told no, but not it she asks, is told no and doesn’t ask for that particular thing again.

PookieDo · 12/05/2019 07:02

My own mother just wants to hold babies all day didn’t help me at all around the house or my Dsis so we stopped inviting her
I don’t think I even held my DN for about a month as DM always grabbed him and I was trying to help Dsis in her house after birth like with laundry. I didn’t want to become obsessive about someone else’s baby it’s nice to love them but not smother them!

HoustonBess · 12/05/2019 07:11

Golden rule - do what you think is best for the baby.

A baby wants a calm environment and to be on or near mum/primary parent pretty much all the time. They get stressed away from you, it's just nature.

Once you think of it that way, you can start to set down rules eg MIL doesn't hold baby for more than 20 mins or so at a time or take away from you.

As time goes on, the baby's best interest is forming a relationship with GM and developing independence by being away from you a bit but no bloody way at 11 days old.

DartmoorDoughnut · 12/05/2019 07:12

My MIL would’ve been like this given half a chance - she had their spare room turned into a nursery when I was pregnant, DS is 4 and a half and still hasn’t stayed over as they live 30minutes away 🤷🏻‍♀️😂 - but luckily for me I couldn’t stand anyone else holding him, it literally made me twitchy and stressed out so it was only ever 5minutes before I was taking him back plus BF’ing meant I was the only one who could feed him. We see MIL most weeks and it hasn’t impacted our relationship, I think she’s lovely although incredibly annoying when it comes to sweets/treats as she cannot say no to the boys even if I’ve already said no and she was standing right next to me but they are MY babies, not hers

careroftwins · 12/05/2019 17:38

Clearly your MIL is batshit crazy. Wanting to have a newborn away from its mother overnight is beyond bizarre. Just a bit of granny insight, when my first grandchild was born, I fell head over heels in love with him. I didn’t know that you loved your grandchildren as much as if you had given birth to them yourself. He was living seventy miles away and I used to cry because I missed him so much, BUT he was my DS’s baby, not mine and I let them set the pace on cuddles etc. So I can see why she is so obsessed, but she’s gone completely over the top. As others have said, you will have to create strict boundaries. In the future, when he’s a toddler, you may be glad to hand him over, but not yet.

FelicisNox · 12/05/2019 17:56

As another poster said: it's about boundaries.

You have to decide what you're happy with, what you're not happy with and what you're happy to negotiate on.

Rule 1 in life and everything else: if it feels wrong, don't do it. Your baby, your rules.

It's lovely that she's so hands on but the rule of manners dictates that you wait until asked and don't overstep your mark: it maybe that she has no insight into her behaviour and as it's DH mum, it's his job to rein her in.

Best of luck.

manicmij · 12/05/2019 17:56

Perhaps you can thank her and say give a little gift whilst delivering the message you have been so grateful for all the time she has given but you now want her to have her own life back. Acknowledging to her also you have to now cope on your own but look forward to seeing her for a couple of hours a week now.

cuppycakey · 12/05/2019 18:09

YANBU

She sounds unhinged and overbearing. What does DH say about it all?

Please tell me she doesn't have a key? Just stop answering the door to her.

If that

missymayhemsmum · 12/05/2019 18:11

She's overstepping the mark, because she's besotted. Understandable, but inappropriate.
Now you are through those first days, arrange a time in the week for her to come and spend time with him. Take the opportunity for a peaceful bath and a little time to yourself. Let it evolve into babysitting when you are ready and not before. But make it clear that you also want your own mum to have the same opportunity, and for you and your dh to have family time on your own. Your baby, your rules.

Sasstal67 · 12/05/2019 18:23

Your OH needs to tell her these first few months are bonding time, for you and your son. That it's important for you to have that time, without constant distractions of other people visiting every few days. It's also when you get him into a regular routine, which is much more difficult with anyone else around. Say she'll be welcome once a week and he'll definitely call on her if you'd appreciate a little more support from time to time.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 18:26

“he'll definitely call on her if you'd appreciate a little more support from time to time.”
So basically, “thanks for all the help when we needed it- we’ll let you know if we need you again” Grin

Nats1606 · 12/05/2019 19:01

I was a bit lioness with my 3 when they were tiny. I had an overwhelming urge to have them with me for the vast majority of the time. Others could have a cuddle but I’d happily just take them back when I felt the need. Your baby, your right. Mil needs to learn her place I’m afraid. It’s lovely that she wants to be involved but I suspect she’s using your son to reminisce about her own days with a newborn baby boy and that is not really helping you is it??

Yb23487643 · 12/05/2019 19:08

Needs to chill out, u should be doing that bonding stuff

Bignosenobum · 12/05/2019 19:33

You will be grateful in the future. she probably thinks she is being helpful and loving.

Bignosenobum · 12/05/2019 19:39

This reply has been deleted

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Islandmum83 · 12/05/2019 19:48

I mean, she just sounds like a loving, caring grandmother 🤷‍♂️ I'm not sure I understand your cross response in her offering to bathe him for you? She is just helping out, make the most of it and have a long shower or actually drink a hot cup of tea and a meal with the use of both hands!

Can you ask her to ring or text before coming over in future, that way you can think of an excuse if her company isn't wanted? I would just advise to tread very carefully as feelings can very easily be hurt and not forgotten

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 19:50

“I suspect she’s using your son to reminisce about her own days with a newborn baby boy and that is not really helping you is it??“
Why is that a problem?

Bobcut · 12/05/2019 19:53

It’s nice to have someone love him like this but I guess if your not close enough it’s going to bother you. I would hate for my mil to be like this. I don’t mind my own mum though doing exactly that as bad as that sounds. It’s nice for your child to have many loving relationships. I think she will naturally back down over time as life takes over. You can just say things like oh no I really like doing the bathing as it’s good for mother baby bonding. Here let me put him down as it’s good for them to stretch and be ok their back...

GabsAlot · 12/05/2019 20:01

she wants him overnight? is she crackers

just say u need time alone with your baby your feeling overwhlemed

Nofunkingworriesmate · 12/05/2019 20:12

Be out a lot there are nct get togethers baby massage and all manner of baby classes doctors app and the like you can be at, decide how much contact you are happy with say twice a week and have phone off rest if time

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 20:14

“she wants him overnight? is she crackers“

She asked and was told no. There is no suggestion she was going in about it.

Jessbow · 12/05/2019 20:31

Why not suggests she visits to say after 3pm , baby will HAVE to go down to bed by 6, and she may well want to go home earlier than that anyway

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