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Original poster

MIL & my baby DS.. thoughts?

229 replies

incogneto · 11/05/2019 13:54

MIL comes to visit DS every 2-3 days. He's 11 days old today.

At first I had no problems with her visiting a lot. I had a EMCS and wasn't feeling great at all for the first week or so and was knackered and she helped out a lot.

Its not the visiting that annoys me so much, it's the fact that she keeps hold of him for the few hours that she's here. She wants to feed him, change him, wind him and I actually have to ask to have my baby back!

If any other family members pick him up she wants him back less than 5 minutes later. It's as though she's extremely jealous of anyone else having him.

She also told me she wakes up during the early hours of the morning to look at pictures of him because she misses him Confused

What to think of this?

OP posts:
TigerTooth · 12/05/2019 21:18

She sounds besotted - tell her to come every 3rd day as you want alone time with him.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 21:22

“She sounds besotted - tell her to come every 3rd day as you want alone time with him.“

When the OP posted, the baby was 11 days old. She had needed a lot of help at the beginning which the pils had provided, and they had visited 4 times in total. Which is about every 3rd day!

nuxe1984 · 12/05/2019 21:23

You should be the person he's spending time with, especially at this stage - so you can get to know him and his moods/noises, etc. and so the both of you can bond. Try and cut back on the visits - does she let you know when she's coming? If so, put her off til the next day or make some excuse for her not coming (say that the both of you will be napping). When she does come, ask her outright to do jobs for you … that's what she's meant to be supporting you with, helping out round the house not taking over the baby care. Have a list ready - things like hanging washing up, preparing veg for the evening meal, changing beds, etc. Can you not invite your mum and then if MIL asks to come say no, it's not convenient because your DP will be there and you want to spend some time alone with her. Or just say no, that you are planning a quiet day that day with no visitors. Think you're going to have to put your foot down a bit over this.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 21:43

Oh come on. Grandma visiting every three days isn’t going to interfere with bonding!

Nikki1066 · 12/05/2019 21:52

I'm a nan with 6 beautiful gc and am always there for them and luv spending time with them but your mil does sound a bit overbearing, maybe have a quiet word with her and tell her while you appreciate her help could she maybe back off a bit, maybe she doesn't realise that she's being a pain in the bum!!!

GrumpySprout · 12/05/2019 21:53

I had a very similar experience with my MIL and DS, who is now 3 months old (I had a natural birth and was absolutely fine and mobile afterward):

-MIL visited 2-3 times a day for the first 4/5 weeks. Offering to hold him while I got things done.
-We gave her a key for emergencies, but would ‘pop’ by and just let herself in.
-pushes for myself and DH to have a ‘date night’ so that she can have him
-DS is EBF and she asks constantly if I’ve managed to get him to have a bottle yet so she can have him for longer periods of time
-she brings her friends round to the house to meet DS
-would stare though our fence windows watching me and DS, she wouldn’t knock, just stand there smiling. It would scare the shut out of me to look up and realised I was being watched.

I’m very lucky and love my MIL, she’s amazing. But I think I’m those first few weeks they DGM get a little bit dizzy with love.

Things I did to help this:

-got her a gift to thank her for all her help and to say that it was appreciated.
-ignored unexpected knocks at the door and just text her saying I was sleeping and suggested another time she could come.
-send her lots of pictures/videos of DS so that she feels kept in the loop.
-suggest going for a coffee instead of just leaving myself open to random visits.
-When I needed to get housework etc done I ASKED her to help out and have DS for 30 mins. This broke the cycle of her always being the one to initiate contact.
-if DS was sleeping I refused to hand him over to anyone as I explained I didn’t want him getting overtired
-I would BF DS when she came round so that he couldn’t be picked up and disturbed.

I try to involve her in as much as I can so that she feels included and that way when I do say ‘no thank you’ she doesn’t feel hard done by and had gotten her ‘cute baby fix’

CreaterofWildThings · 12/05/2019 21:58

You need to set some boundaries before she thinks this is acceptable. The longer it continues the harder it will be.

Yes its wonderful she loves her grandson but he is your baby and you shouldnt be feeling someone else is hogging him.

Dc4 is 5months and when she was born my mum visited us in hospital and then we had no visitors for 2 weeks even though it was Christmas. The pils didn't see her until she was a month old. It did wonders for my recovery and for us all to adjust as a family I dont regret it for a second. Now shes older family are welcome to be more involved but that first month/4th trimester was for us alone.

Womble351 · 12/05/2019 22:04

Also if he’s a good baby,her continually holding him could cause you problems further down the line,if he then won’t settle without being cuddled you might find that he cries whenever not being held.Just a thought

Itssosunnyout · 12/05/2019 22:06

Try to set the boundaries.

If anything baby should be predominately with you and not passed for hours to a time but you and your OH. This is the time for you to get to know your baby and vice versa.

Just because she is visiting doesn't mean she gets to hold baby for hours, feed, bathe etc. She has had her time and is just trying to relive it. I always find that incredibly selfish to take those moments from a mother.

IABUQueen · 12/05/2019 22:15

Go stay at your mums for a few days

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2019 22:16

"She wanted to take him to see her friend for a few hours - said no. She wanted to have him overnight at her house - another no. She wanted to stay overnight at OUR house - again no! "

ShockShockShockShockShock Your baby is ELEVEN DAYS OLD. ShockShockShockShockShock

"Its not the visiting that annoys me so much, it's the fact that she keeps hold of him for the few hours that she's here. She wants to feed him, change him, wind him and I actually have to ask to have my baby back!"

Ooh, you really need her to back the fuck off. And you need it ASAP. Like, next time she visits is the time to have a conversation about boundaries.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 22:18

“Also if he’s a good baby,her continually holding him could cause you problems further down the line,if he then won’t settle without being cuddled you might find that he cries whenever not being held.Just a thought”

Grin Proper Catch 22 this. Other posters were saying that the mother should be holding the baby all the time, and anyone else holding him will interfere with bonding.

Teddybear45 · 12/05/2019 22:23

I get it. OP wants the In laws visits to stop now they’ve served their purpose. For some reason her mum couldn’t help but the in laws could when she needed it, and now everything they do is annoying her. Honestly, in your situation OP, I think the best thing to do is to assess the situation calmly - it sounds long term your in laws care more about the baby than your mum. They make more of an effort. It’s really amazing that they cared enough to help you when you aren’t their flesh and blood while your own mum couldn’t help as much. I think you definitely need to develop the relationship and having them over every 3 days (which is what is happening currently) isn’t a big deal. Your mum doesn’t automatically deserve ‘a look in’ with the baby - she needs to make an equal effort.

EllenRachel · 12/05/2019 22:24

I wouldn't put it in writing - I'd just take the baby back. If she says no, say something along the lines of I'd like him back now please. And get more forceful if needed. Same with baths/feeds - politely say no thank you, I want to do it.

I just took my babies back from visitors if I wanted them back for any reason and only one ever put up any resistance but soon gave her back when I pushed it.

Itsnotme123 · 12/05/2019 22:24

Reminds me of my Mil. She was at the birth, much to my anger, then dragged dh away when I needed help most having a bath after the birth... boils my blood thinking about it. ALL THE WAY THROUGH SHE WAS A CONTROLLING BITCH. Always forcing them to do as she wanted in every aspect of their lives. definitely had her favourite too.

Stop this in its tracks NOW. If I had my time again I would refuse to let gm anywhere near them ever.

Itssosunnyout · 12/05/2019 22:27

Teddybear45

That's a but harsh. How do you know her mum wasn't bothered. She may have seen her grandchild but was actually respectful and gave OP the time she needs to bond with her baby not serve her own needs

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 22:33

“Reminds me of my Mil. She was at the birth, much to my anger, then dragged dh away when I needed help most having a bath after the birth... boils my blood thinking about it”

Yes, that is exactly the same as the OP’s situation! Hmm

Cocobean30 · 12/05/2019 22:39

Op you are the mum and you are in control of the situation! Just take your baby back, don’t ask

Alsohuman · 12/05/2019 22:41

So Teddybear45 is a bit harsh but it’s fine to put MiL in her place. I think she’s nailed it personally.

Itsnotme123 · 12/05/2019 22:42

Op you could buy her one of those dolls that are life like. She’s got her own baby then to take control over.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 22:43

“Op you could buy her one of those dolls that are life like. She’s got her own baby then to take control over.”

Fuck me, some people are vile!

Alsohuman · 12/05/2019 22:46

They certainly are.

Itssosunnyout · 12/05/2019 22:48

Alsohuman

It would apply to either grandparent not just the mil.

The OP is upset about mil overstepping the mark. Really she needs to speak to her mil or get her DP to do this.

Its not about who is the best GP or who helped the most. The help doesn't seem like real help. Its visits for the GP to bond not to help around the house so mum can bond further.

I do see the point but the focus really needs to be in the interest of the baby. The baby needs to be bonding with their primary caregivers before anyone else. And the pace should be set by the mum or dad, not anyone else.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 22:51

But the mil in question stepped in to help when required and has visited 4 times in 11 days. How is that “overstepping”?

Itsnotme123 · 12/05/2019 22:52

“Some people are vile”

Some grandparents are vile too.

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