What is wrong with this?

[dayindayout]

Have 2 children 4 and 5 and don't drive.
We live aboout a 20 min walk to the town.

Have just e mailed DH and asked if he would mind getting some bulky items we have run out of on the way home as our shopping delivery is'nt due until Friday.
Also if he would go to the post office to pay some money into a savings account for me.

Also OUR 2 children I have just discovered have nits so need to lyclear their hair which is'nt the easiest thing to do when on past experience they moan and run off.
So asked if he would come straight home after shopping as he normally goes for a drink after work and gets in anytime between 6.30 and 8.

His reply

"Right,not only do you want me to go to the post office and now the shopping as well I have instuctions to come straight home,thanks"

Is it me?

What's so awful about asking him to pick up some family shopping as he has the car and how awful that he is asked to come straight home for a change to help with the childrens hair.

Go on strike. wash and cook for you and the kids. SOD him. what a selfish twat.

I would like to slap your DH round the face with a three week old rotten salmon.

He is a weak man by the sounds of things and is leaving everything to you. Concentrate on your children, fuck him, dont pander to the bastard. Let him see you dont actually need him, cos believe me, you don't. The reason i feel so strongly is what you said about the takeaway - how selfish is that. Make him see you WILL leave him if he doesnt stop acting like a total idiot. Back to your council house roots? I dont think so love, i believe that house is half yours!

How is he a good dad? He hardly sees them. Just cos he lives with you, doesn't automatically make him a good husband or dad.

I know I could walk into the pub where he is but don't feel it is fair to do that to the children and also it is a small place were we live and would hate for people to reconise me and then I may have to face them at the school etc.

I worry too much about what people think and DH does'nt,which is obvious.

As for the house it was bought by his father for us so have always said thatif we ever did split up then I would'nt want any part of the hpouse as that would only look like that is what I was planning.
Even though we have been together for 15 yrs married for 9 years.

I want to work this out and still hold out hope that he will change,how many women have said that!!!!

With the children getting older and more aware though it would need to be soon.

I can sympathise a bit on the older father thing - my DH is 51, and DS is 2, with another on the way.

He doesn't understand why his lifestyle has to change now he has children - he sees it as a given right that he can continue with his hobbies etc as he did before children.

Mine does at least come home on time, and helps with bathing etc - but he does wind DS up, and we often argue about his being nice daddy and me being horrid mummy.

Does he spend time with them at the W/e? I try and organise things for me to do at the w/e so I can escape, and although he needs clear lists of what is required (i used to leave food lists, and how long to heat things etc...) he can do it.

Sometimes I set him up with DS so he has problems, and if he wants to be nice daddy, he then has to deal with all the fall out - i.e Nice Daddy wants to let DS watch extra TV before his midday snooze...... so nice Daddy therefore has to deal with stroppy DS when he does try to get him upstairs, and even more I leave him with stroppy DS if DS doesn't get his snooze.

Plan a night out. Give him notice, and make it clear you will be going out. If he is deliverately late (as mine has been) then just walk out as soon as he comes in, and don't "hand over" the children, he'll soon learn.

gosh... that was long. my fingers ache..... I can only do this now as my DH has finally realised it doesn't take two of us to collect DS from nursery, i'm 8 1/2 months pg, and WILL NOT WADDLE just to keep him company!!

I suspose I am judging the good dad bit on the fact that he is here at weekends and does numerous things with them.

Like,cooking,painting,reading to them,setting up a vegetable patch with them,takes them out to the coast for a walk and generally teaching them new things.

He also will do some housework,cleaning kitchen floor,dishwasher, mowing the lawn,ironing,hoovering etc.
But normally because I have'nt had a chance to do certain things and he moans they have'nt been done.

scary - crossed posts... u answered a lot of my questions.

Why not meet him at the pub? is it child friendly? Slap on some slap, put on your best smile, and meet him with a kiss "I thought we'd join you darling, the children were asking about you". He would lose face, not you if he behaved badly infront of his mates!!

The pub is'nt really child friendly and not sure I have the guts to do this.

Well have just rung him as he said he was coming home for dinner.
I stayed calm and did'nt moan at him.
He said he was just having a pint and I asked how long he would be as I wanted to put the pasta on.

He said go ahead with the dinner as he did,nt want any.
He said I will be half an hour I suspose!!!

Meanwhile children in the background arguing and me getting more stressed and angry.

Have your dinner, get the kids to bed and go and have a big bubble bath. Take some time for yourself. He is an idiot but he will continue to be an idiot if he is allowed to. You want things to change, so you change your attitude and he will have to like it and help or lump it and bog off. You deserve better.

NAB3-Hve fed and got the children ready for bed and they are currently making a play tent in the living room.

It has been an hour and a half since I rang him and have rung twice since buthe is not answering his phone.

So looks like another night of him coming in loud and tipsy and getting the children all excited again.

I really could do without this tonight.
He heard them earlier on the phone playing up and said he would be half an hour.

This is unbelieveable and if I read his about someone else would find it hard to believe that someone puts up with this,it's never ending.

It is quite theraputic to write all this down and also gives me sometjing to look back at and read to realise how bad his behaviour really his.

ive skimmed through this thread and it sound very similar to my dh. He spends alot of time at the pub, hes incredibly selfish although he tells everyone me and kids come first. We have a major barney about it every month or so, he then changes his ways for about a week then he slips back into his normal routine. Hes never aggressive just fecking lazy at home. Admittedly he does work long and hard but he cant even manage to put the bins out when i ask him to. Mow the lawn? hell no! hes been at work and now hes recovering from the night before is the scenario i have to put up with on a daily basis. Once hes had a couple of beers, its apparently party time and we (me and kids) have to accomodate various friends coming back to the house usually around 7or8pm. Obviously i dont always feel like a social evening and sometimes i do. But what really annoys me is the way hes all cheerful and bright when hes had a beer but the following day hes as miserable as sin. He cant tolerate the children and shuts himself away infront of the tv watching something the kids cant watch and then falls asleep.

I can put up with him going to the pub often, its not like me and kids are going without because of his drinking at all. But its his parenting, his selfishness of the way HE chooses when to spend any time with the kids. Its only when hes drunk and only when there is a friend of his around. And his lack of input into the chores at home - he actually does nothing! He does take the dogs out most mornings admittedly, but thats only on the mornings after a no beer night. The rest is down to me.

My career path has recently changed, as some of you suggested to book into evening classes etc so he would have to be home. Well i now have work in the evenings sometimes and i thought the same and so did he, that he would be back so i could leave. Well no that doesnt work! He is always late back and im always ringing him to ask him where the feck he is! Guess where, yes in the fecking pub! Or there will be a drama at his work and he cant possibly get away. I have ended up having to either cancel my plans (which doesnt go down well with my work) or try to get someone to dump kids on at the last minute. Either way i get very stressed out.

Id love the opportunity to be able to just go off to the pub for an hour whenever i fancied it but i have to think about the care of the children. Some men just dont think like us. It doesnt even occur to them to ask or to return the favour, they just go and come back when they like.

I dont stand for it though, im tough with him and give him a hard time for it. But i feel like a nag going on about it for days. I knew what type of bloke he was when we got together, i knew he was a drinker, his dad is exactly the same. What can i do? i have 2 kids with him now, my card have been dealt. We dont go without anything and financially hes a very good provider but as a father hes crap and as a partner - well i see myself as a single parent. I do all the chores, all the running about, all the childcare and entertainment for the kids, parties etc etc.

Life isnt exactly a bed of roses for some of us infact its pretty grim. Id compare it to pushing water uphill constantly.

Put the chain on so he can't get in.

Mine came home one night about 2or3am! I was obviously in bed and could hear him trying to get in the house. I charged downstairs opened the front door which made him jump, i took one lokk at his ugly drunk face, punched him in the chest and slammed and locked the door. I went off to bed, and he was still outside. He slept on the trampoline with some old clothes from the garage (it was actually winter).
It still makes me laugh!

haychee-sounds exactly my DH nad you have described it really well.

Like you say my cards have been dealt also and I need to keep it together for the childrens sake.

NAB3-that sounds very tempting.

Well he has just come home in a taxi and was moody becase I did'nt answer the door straight away as I did'nr hear him.
He was leaning up againest the garage door as he could'nt stand.
i said should I stay waiting by the door to answer it,he said yes that's exactly what you should do.
He said I am not going to take my anger out I feel for your mum.

He is being loud and getting the childen all excited and DS has got his new remote control car out and DH is asking him if mummy has been buying more toys again.

FGS he bought it for him about 2 weeks ago and he cant remember.

It is so infuriating when he is like this I can't stand it.
Loud and obnoxious and can't remember a thing from one minute to the next.

I just had to go up to the bathroom for a good cry,I can't do this much longer.

It's not healthy for me or the children.

YOUR CARDS HAVE NOT BEEN DEALT!!!!!

He is making me sooooooo angry. What the fuck century is he living in?

Next time go out for dinner witht he kids and come back late - hopefully it will be raining this time and he'll get soaked.

Start putting away money now - get him to pay for driving lessons as you know how tough it is for him to get shopping on the way home and when you can drive you'll be able to pick him up from the pub - don;t actually mean it but it will be too late by then you will already be a driver and have a car

I'm so angry on your behalf. You can change this, whether he changes with you or not is up to him but by allowing him to get away with it is not setting a good example to your children. Come on now you can do it.

Whenever you feel down, post on here and you will get plenty of support

Haychee the same messgae for you , your cards have not been dealt - you can change this, it will be hard work but you are both worth so much more than these fuckwits

Actually, my question is for you Dayindayout... what century do you live on?

Your cards have been dealt??? please???, if you don't want to change your situation then try to make the best of it. But what you can not do is to stay, keep suffering about it and then say you are doing it for the children.

Do you know what? it is not even a good thing to stay for the children. I have an uncle who reminds me of your DH minus the drinking. His wife stayed for the children and has had such a miserable life that after a particularly stressful discussion she was left with half a face paralised. His 2 boys have grown into a pair of disgraceful husbands and the girl...well, she has been well trained to put up with any rubish behaviour by the husband. So... the cycle continues.

If you are going to stay, at least manage to make it work in a way that doesn't make you unhappy.

Point out to him he's probably got nits too and he'll probably be home, complete with the treatment shampoo extra quick

dayin your cards have not been dealt and you CAN change this

Please make a start straight away your dh is not going to change but you have to - start driving, start loving yourself and start thinking of yourself, don't think of your dh think of you and your dc's

if you know he won't be home til 8 make sure your dc's are in bed by 7.30 then he can't get them hyped up, only make dinner for yourself or eat with the kids then if he wants food say you've already eaten so he can sort himself out (i'm so your dh did that with the takeaway i could slap him myself) and FGS give him his own key then you don't have to let him in - thats just another thing for you to do!

quint-I know I am allowing this happen but can't see a way out.
Writing it down on here does help rather than keeping it inside and let it eat away at me.

Before I had the children I used to manage 18 staff now I can't even manage myself[sad

IWIRIM-I hear what you are saying and it makes a lot of sense.
I am quite a strong person ,I suspose I must be dealing with my parents and brothers deaths,winning a battle with my son's school to get him the help he needs in school,orgainising reports and attending meetings for my lovely little boy with regards to his statement,having PND when my DS was born and dealing with in effect an alcoholic DH.
So maybe I put up with it and try and make it work and keep happy.

WMMC-I doubt even taht would get him to come home.

Well the children are still up as DH decided it would be a good idea to put a few CD's on and get the children even more excited.
I have been told to chill out they are having fun.

I know I should'nt say this but I can understand how some women end up killing their husbands in a moment of rage.

sparklesandwine-I will make a promise to myself that I will look into driving lessons .
In the past I have discussed this with DH but he has never seemed keen on the idea.
Probabaly worried I will disapear with the car and leave him to look after the children on his own which he has never done.

He has had his own key in the past but when he is so drunk he can't find it and normally ends up banging on the door anyway.
I get paranoid that the neighbours will see him and then I will have to face them and what on earth would they think of me.

I tend toeat a little with the children and then when he has gone to bed make myself something later on.

sorry to be blunt but fuck what the neighbours think - if anything it will be bad of him not you.

He is sounding more and more abusive as the posts go on - you need to act now. If nothing else this thread must have shown you that this is not normal, This is not a loving and equal partnership - you can try and change it, it will be hard but it may well be worth it, but you have to start now before things turn even nastier.

Re the driving lessons that why I said to tell him that you will be able to pick him up from the pub - of course you won;t as by the time you get your license he will either be changing his ways or you will have left him but he needn';t know about that right now. Do what it takes in order to get what you want.

Time to start looking after your and our childrens interests - not to worry about what other people think

Not keen on you learnig to drive???

For fucks sake,he gets worse.

Why do yuo care what the neighbours think?
He is making an arse of himself, not you.

my dh acts like a naughty little child himself when hes drunk. He says sorry, wont do it again (if i complained about the loud music). So i can actaully have a real go at him and it does have an effect.

But in the grand scheme of things, i dont like the mood swings from party animal to slob in the chair with no patience. Thats not fair on any of us. Whichever mood he adopts it alwats seems to make me feel cross with everything most of the time.

I have to put it into a balance for my childrens sake. They do tend to be told off more because im always cross. And they dont have much of a dad, never wants to go to school functions like sports day etc, but wil go if pushed, hard. He doesnt spend any quality time with them, never baths them or takes them out by himself. But on the other hand, all he talks about when hes in the pub is work and us (i have secret inside sources). He works very hard and long hours just for us and of course his beer. We never go without even when weve been really skint. Ive had quite a long period out of work and doing training intermittently. So all in all its not as it seems, its just a bit miserable from time to time. He would never get himself a takeaway and not get me one.

I think (as i wrote that) that my dh still loves me very much and he likes a drink and is lazy but, im beginning to wonder if dayindayouts dh is still in love with you? Its a strong question please dont be upset.

dayin - for what its worth i can't yet drive but really really want to but its very expensive and we can't afford it at the moment but am trying to save up for it and i did my theory back in april and passed so i'm part way there i guess!

also my dp said he would be on the 7pm train (which would get him in for 8) he's not home and i've heard fuck all from him! DS1 and DD went away til monday so he hasn't even seen them!