What is wrong with this?

[dayindayout]

Have 2 children 4 and 5 and don't drive.
We live aboout a 20 min walk to the town.

Have just e mailed DH and asked if he would mind getting some bulky items we have run out of on the way home as our shopping delivery is'nt due until Friday.
Also if he would go to the post office to pay some money into a savings account for me.

Also OUR 2 children I have just discovered have nits so need to lyclear their hair which is'nt the easiest thing to do when on past experience they moan and run off.
So asked if he would come straight home after shopping as he normally goes for a drink after work and gets in anytime between 6.30 and 8.

His reply

"Right,not only do you want me to go to the post office and now the shopping as well I have instuctions to come straight home,thanks"

Is it me?

What's so awful about asking him to pick up some family shopping as he has the car and how awful that he is asked to come straight home for a change to help with the childrens hair.

TBH I think you are beyond an "i feel like..." talking, he doesn't seem to care much about what you say anymore. So I agree with whomever said to stop ringing him and that a stronger action is required.

If you really want to get out of this, you need to rely less on him. Learn to drive please, it is difficult to be really independant and to leave him with the responsability if you don't have the means to go further away than the back garden (He would be doing things but asking for help through out every step in the process, in the same way a surgeon ask for bisturis, etc to the nurses while at work).

Write down every single thing you do, from cooking the dinner (itemise each dish) to wiping your children bottoms. Do a bit of research and find out how much he will need to pay for the nursery, an after hours childminder, the cook, the cleaner, someone to iron his shirts (if you do that), and even erm... local sex services. Then discount half of the total of general expenses like mortgage, services, food, etc . And demand to be paid the difference, because obviously, if he is going to say he earns the money he then should be paying for the services he employs.

The idea is to make him realise that your job is as valuable and as difficult as his. If he doesn't understand that, and you trust him not to accidentally kill his children in the process, go away for a couple of weeks so he gets an understanding that there is much more to parenthood than playing with the children for half an hour. IMHO, no matter how nice he plays with them for those minutes, that is not being a good father, sorry, but any family member/friend/visit can do that. Raising a child is looooooooooong way beyond that.

Thanks for the replies.

Some food for thought,although not sure I have the conviction at the momeent to follow them through.

I am feeling really low today.

Last night he rang to say he would be late as he had to finish something at the office.

He came in at 8.15 after having been to the pub on the way home and straight away moaned because the children were still up.
He had brought himself a takeaway and had'nt even ring to ask if I might like one as I normally eat later.

Then proceeded to eat his takeaway.

He got touchy with DD and said come on you two time for bed.
I just sighed and said"you have only been in 20 mins ,you sound as if you have had the children all day.

His answer

"No,you have the children all day,I go out to work and earn the money,that's the way it works,remember"

Then because DS was off with him he asked what I had been saying to him and did I tell him he was going to be late at work.
He was making out I had tried to turn DS againest him.
I think I am fighting a losing battle.

Also heard today that the statement we have applied for for DS is proceeding and looks like they are looking at early september to arrange meetings etc to discuss what are options are.
So if Dh does go to Moscow looks like I8 will be dealing with this alone.

He sounds more and more horrid.
What a twat.

dayindayout, he goes every night? I just reread your post....yes that is out of order his response if he does it every night. My DH has one night a week, possibly maybe, and even then sometimes doesn't take it, but he is always home for bathtime, if he, or me for that matter as this is a 'partnership' after all, wants to go out we always arrange to do so after boys in bed.....very rarely do either of us have to deal with bedtime alone.....i need to add we both work full time, so neither of us has the 'i do more than you' trump card.....

moondog-What can I do,I feel trapped.

Yesterday morning the children were up at 5am and I got really upset before he went to work and even said lets hope I become ill then maybe he would listen to me.
I know I should'nt have said that but I felt desperate.
Even after that he could'nt come straight home so what hope is there.

Last week my ds had 3 appointments with Ed Psych,medicals etc and I think this is fianally hitting home to me that DS has problems and I can't do anything to help him.

I don't need a third child to look after,I need some support with all this.

You could try reporting him to the police every time you know that he is on the way home from the pub.

He is probably going to get done for drink driving, and how many times do you have to get taken for drink driving before you lose your license? The car would be all YOURS .

I am seriously worried about this whole drinking and then driving home. Sometimes getting a lift from friends or getting a taxi is not everytime and that means he is a drink driver, which some day is going to end up killing himself or somebody else.

Drastic, but you did ask what you could do .

maisemor-He used to drink after a couple but has'nt done this for ages as I pointed out he might lose his job or worse hurt or kill someone.

I don't drive but think it's about I did.

dayin it sounds like you have so much to cope with on your own its not just the mundane housework stuff you also have to added worry of your ds your DH is really sounding more and more horrid tbh but you really do need to do something about his attitude towards you and your dc's its not right, he sounds very very selfish

do you have any firends or siblings who know your situation who could help emotionally support?

He wants the single life but with the family at home to make him look and feel good.

He's an arsehole, kick him in the cock and remind him that YOU work far longer hours than he does.

He had the energy to marry you and help make your children, he can find the energy to help look after them.

You should stop worrying about dealing with things by yourself, in future. You already are dealing with things by yourself, anyway.

You'd be better off as a single mum. He'd have to contribute towards the children financially, he'd probably see them more too.

what was he like before you had kids?

STRIKE STRIKE STRIKE

I think its time you took drastic action - how dare he talk to you like that.

The trouble is the more you allow it to happen the more he will do it.

Try not to let him see how much he upsets you as that gives him the power - act all mice around him and don;t let the children know that you are upset with him.

Also stop cooking his meals, washing and ironing his clothes - and calling him.

Make yourself look nice - a bit of makeup, nice top, hair done etc and let him wonder what you are up too. Remind him that you are not just a mother but you are a woman too and if he doesn;t start to respect you and treat you like a person rather than a servant you will go and find someone who will!

I have a few friends but not close friends that I would confide in.
They are mostly mothers from the school and would'nt want to broadcast my situation as I feel ashamed.

As for family,as I said previously my parents died 10 yrs ago and my brother died just before DD was born.
He actually died due to alcoholism so hits a raw nerve everytime I see DH behave like this.

My sister has a busy life and grand children her self to help to look after.
Have spoke to her before but not to the extent thgat she knows how bad things really are.
I would'nt want to burden her with all this as she like myself is still after all these years grieving for our parents and brother.
DH's family live away and on the one occasion I phoned and asked for their help I got no response.
Then when I rang back DH's father answered and when he heard it was me pit the phone down.
Nothing was ever mentioned again .

On a visit to their house last year whilst DH's brothers and sister were staying DH got really drunk and abusive to his brother ,I was in tears and distressed but they said I should just leave him to it and not to rile him even more.
The next morning nothing was said.

Before we had the children he was the same really,always drinking and I thought having children would change that,he was 40 when our first child was born so thought his staying out days were over.

He is a good dad to the children and they adore him and want to make this work but don't know how.

We have a lovely house bought for us by his father and I am always been reminded of this by DH .
He says I am being ungratful when I say but a house does'nt make you happy,their'smore to it than that.
Have often said I don't want this behaviour for our children and it does'nt matter were we live as long as they are happy,even if that means going it alone with them.

Of course then I get well go back to your council house roots then.

quint-in that respect I have lost al my self esteem and most days just get up ,get dressed and don't even look in the mirror.

Last week I had an interview with the ED psych for DS's assesment and it was really sucessful and he semed to understand DS's problems and felt at last someone who can help us.

On relating the meeting back to DH I was teling him how he went and said the ED psych was brilliant and wants to gets things moving and things looked positive.
All he could say was
"What else did *** say ,he sounds wonderful" in a sarcastic manner
Then wanted to know how old he was.

He just sounded jealous or maybe it was the fact that I was so happy that this guy could help us and made him sound like a saint.
Which to me he is if he can help our son get this statement.

I'm so sorry your h sounds like a total arse.

Maybe he is not coping with his son's requirements or family life in general but there is no need to take it out on you.

When I say about making yourself look nice, I mean for you not him - he doesn;t deserve you at the moment. You need to start liking yourself so that you don;t depend on him. I know how hard it is as a sahm (I'm one too) - whats the point of looking nice for the children to then go and get covered in puke/food/paint/whatever else they manage to splatter all over you! But it really will make you feel better.

If I were you I would honestly do what I said before, but start squirrelling money away so that if it ever comes to a time that you need to leave you have options -I'm not saying leave him (although he sounds dreadful and I wouldn't blame him if you did), I'm saying be prepared.

Try really hard not to phone him - not so that you don;t annoy him but so that you don;t depend on him. And I would strongly advise learning to drive - not so that he doesn;t have to do any shopping but to give you some indepedence.

Remember you're not just a mum - as important as that is, you are also you.

Glad to hear you're finally getting help with your son aswell.

dayin i so sorry to hear of your losses that must have been an awful time for you

your DH's family sound very stiff upper lip brush it under the carpet people so i don't think you will get any joy there but would you try relate counselling?

i agree with quint there is some good advice there especially with regard to driving and putting money away

(wish i could have come up with something helpful like that!)

Men will do as little as they can get away with. Stop doing things for him and he will soon buck his ideas up.

That has made me so cross!

dayindayout, how about arranging some early evening driving lessons for yourself? At about 6pm or so, so that DH has no option but to get back to cover for you. Sort those out for a couple of times each week. Once you pass your test, swop driving lessons for something else (e.g. evening classes, gym...). Much more independance once you can drive. Your DH is behaving outrageously, honestly; any scope for some kind of counselling so he can hear from a professional that we don't live in the 1950s any more, and that earning the salary doesn't give you the right to act like a complete prick?

I feel for you. I hope you can sort this out.

You are not being unreasonable. My DP is out for bathtime and bedtime 6 nights a week but not in the pub

None of the things he seems to want you to believe are true. Do you think he thinks you would never leave? Would the thought and threat of that lead to some change?

After reading your new posts I'm tempted to say that the strategy about saying "I have to go out so you need to be here..." won't work, he won't care, he is an arse!

I think he has bullied all your self confidence out of you. Probably it's about time to rebuild yourself little by little and use him during the process, don't think of him as a husband but as a horrid sponsor that cover the basics economic needs so you can concentrate in more important things.

Put the children to bed at a time that it suits you and your children, if he is behaving like that, the children are not going to benefit or learn much from that awful behaviour anyway. Actually, I would go as far as saying that it may convince them that's the way to treat a woman or be treated as woman.

Taking care of your apearance is a good start, I couldn't believe what a difference to my self esteem a pair of straighteners could do . It sounds silly but it's a start, and little by little you can get your confidence back until you won't need him anymore. But take your time, changes won't happen overnight.

And stop ringing him, the fact is that you are not getting anything from trying to negotiate with him, at least if you are not expecting him to act like a reasonable person would, you would not get as stressed, and would have plenty of time to do other things for yourself.

excellent advice, could address two issues in one, learn to drive and get more independence (just in case) but schedule in the evening so he has to come home to care for the children (and put them to bed?) - maybe this way he'll understand how much easier it is with two of you.

If he opposes the driving lessons you could remind him how there would be no more requests for him to stop off on his way home from work etc.

Learning to drive would also raise your self esteem I'm sure,

Thank you so much everyone,you are all really kind.
Am a bit choked as none of you know me but have took the time to reply to me and try and help.

Learning to drive would be a start qand would be great for the children so we are not limited to places within walking distance.
My only thought was will DH think I can pick him up from the pub,free taxi service!!!!

I think maybe he is'nt coping well with DS's problems and it does'nt help that his parents only see us once a year and don't make the effort to enquire how things are going with the statement,so he must be feeling let down himself.

I think even after 10 yrs I have never dealt with my parents deaths and I can't seem to get over the fact that they will never see my beautiful children.
Lump in the throat time

I try not to ring him but when the children are playing up and I could do with some help I tend to ring him all stressed out which only makes things worse.

Also looking ahead my DD starts school in Sept so after christmas will be just me so could maybe look at getting a part time job.
Although this would all depend on my DS getting his statement so i was confident hisneeds were being met in school.
As as at the moment I go in to school everyday to help him and that has to be my first priority.

WEave had a lovely afternoon making cheese biscuits and getting flour everywhere and we are now watching a film cuddled up on the sofa.
The children love cooking and has took my mind off things for a while as well as stopping themfrom playing up for a while at least.

DAyinday out.
I am choked reading your posts and so angry on your behalf.
Your H is a seflish pig, he is treating you dreadfully, when he should be supporting you.
Get your caots on take the kids to the pub and when he walks in hand them over to him and tell him ' I am ggoing to see *' any one lie if necessary, got to the library or something.
Let him get on with it.
And then go comlpetelty on strike. Do NOTHING for him.
No washing/ ironing / cooking.
Completely ignore him.
He might take some notice.
You deserve so much better.