What is wrong with this?

[dayindayout]

Have 2 children 4 and 5 and don't drive.
We live aboout a 20 min walk to the town.

Have just e mailed DH and asked if he would mind getting some bulky items we have run out of on the way home as our shopping delivery is'nt due until Friday.
Also if he would go to the post office to pay some money into a savings account for me.

Also OUR 2 children I have just discovered have nits so need to lyclear their hair which is'nt the easiest thing to do when on past experience they moan and run off.
So asked if he would come straight home after shopping as he normally goes for a drink after work and gets in anytime between 6.30 and 8.

His reply

"Right,not only do you want me to go to the post office and now the shopping as well I have instuctions to come straight home,thanks"

Is it me?

What's so awful about asking him to pick up some family shopping as he has the car and how awful that he is asked to come straight home for a change to help with the childrens hair.

quint-I think I am beginning to realise from reading these posts that this is wrong and not normal.
I know I am not perfect and am probably a nightmare to live with.
Not a perfect mother by a long shot,allow the children chocolate,don't bath them every night,am fairly easy going with regards to discipline which is why DH says they run rings round me and I have made a rod for my own back.

Moondog and quint-The trouble is I do worry what people will think.
We live in a cul de sac mostly made up of familys with children and who all go to the same school.
I have to then face these mothers in the playground and I get paranoid that they are talking about me and DH and just feel so ashamed.
They must think I am a bad mother for allowing this to happen.

how abusive can he be? what is his temperament? my sisters dh is the worst ive ever met. Totally rude and threatening and pushy (physically). My dh would never ever get up in my face and scare me and/or the kids. We row infront of the kids but its just normal bickering not full on throwing stuff around type row.

I think that if you are ever or have ever been worried for your safety, then dont hang about, get on with it and be strong.

Bad mother???
Eh???

Don't be ridiculous.

You sound like a great mother who is struggling alone and that is not right.

I really think that you would find counseling of use. I know your dh wouldn't go, but if you could go and talk things through with someone it might give you a chance to get your confidence back.

You are a million times better, stronger, and a more worthwhile person than this selfish xxxx.

He needs you much more than you need him, and he probably knows that too. Unfortunatly he has you fooled into thinking it's the other way around.

haychee-that sounds so much like my DH re the mood swings.
I never know what he will be like.
A happy drunk or a menatlly absusive drunk.
Of course what ever he says he will have forgotton it by the morning.
He used to leave notes the next day to apologise now he says nothing.
Iremember a time when I had PND and was having panic attacks and problems with going out that he would get me sectioned as I was'nt looking after his children properly.
I have never forgiven him for that.

I ask myself the same question about whether he still loves me,he says he does but he has no respect for me at all.
I think he thinks he can do what he likes in th eweek and make it up to me at weekends.
Ihate him sometimes I must admit but somewhere deep inside I still love him as well.

When we first met it was like we were meant to be together and just before my dad died I remembered him saying to my dad I was the best girl he had ever known .

sparklesandwine-
well done for passing your theroy test.
The more I think about it after reading the posts on here the more i think of how much freedom it would give me andthe children.

Is your DP back yet?
DH does this allthe time ,if he been away with work he will still go for a drink rathr than coming straight home.
It is annoying when they don't even bother to ring.

I am a driving instructor now, as couldnt rely on dh to fulfill night duty cover of childcare while i was at work as a nurse, i couldnt be sure he would get up or even hear them crying etc when he fell asleep drunk. Also, day shifts didnt work out either.

Anyway, the average pupil takes 45 practical driving lesson hours to pass their test or to reach test standard. So you can figure out how much its going to cost. Also, you could try ringing round your local driving schools and ask if they have any adi`s in training who need to pupils to practice their teaching methods on. I have had to go through a very hard test of my teaching ability and there is no way i would of passed without actually teaching someone to drive. Therefore (god im going about this in the long winded version), there may be a training driving instructor who could teach you for free!
There are two scenarios, 1 that the training adi will have a trainee licence where they can charge you but its drastically reduced. or, 2 they dont have a trainee licence but are quite legalto teach you, but are not allowed any reward (i just charged cash toward the fuel used). But, they will need a dual control car to use, dh bought a car (which we would of had anyway) which was suitable for teaching in and we stuck dual controls in it for £120.

Blimey, talkative or what!

Food for thought though.

i think here is actually quite a difference with your dh and mine. MIne would never take on the mentally abusive or any kind of abusive. Its always happy, loud, party drunk for him. Which is why its far more bearable. I dont think i could take any abuse of any kind. You need to fight to show him your not weak! Dont stand for it! Put your foot down girl! Whats the worst that could happen? If you make a stand, he may respect you more for it?!

no dp still not back and no word but i'm not going to moan about him (too much )

DP used to do it all the time, stay out not call come home at 2/3am very regulary) but i have made him realise over the last 10 years that i can't do it on my own with 4 dc's (mainly since last year when my dad died i have noticed the bigest change) but although my dp used to stay out after work alot he doesn't so much now so i am fairly relaxed when he does now - we are happy and we love each other and always show that to each other if that has gone dayin then i think your fighting a loosing battle i'm afraid

also he isn't mentally abusive to me or the children i have my routine and i stick to it with the kids i do bend the routine occasionally but normally stick to my day as i know i am the one who has to deal with it i'm quite strict when it comes to that i don't let DP fuck about with my routine unless its a weekend when he can deal with it too

Yep, same here. my dh ha s also calmed down alot since we had the children. Because ive made him sort himself out. I wont stand for it, there is a limit that i can take and he knows where that is. I once told him is was leaving him because of i and that really did make a change, i would of gone and he knew it. He still pushes his luck from time to time and i do feel like its me and the kids and then there is him, where it should be us as a family and that it.

haychee-that sounds good ,will have to look into it.Ths thread is helping to spur me on and think about myself and the children instead of focusing on DH all the time.
I try to make a stand with him but just latley whatever I do or say he just ignores the next day.

In the past before the childen he would grab my arms and bruise me or throw things but he does.nt do that anymore since we had the children.
But can get right up close to me or corner me and verbally abuse me.

Moondog-I know you are right deep down and want to believe I am a good mum.
I know I was a good mum last year when I stood up to the school,school govereners,LEA,to get my DS the help he needs in school.

potoftea-you are probably right.
When I do seem to be coping with things it's like he has nothing to throw back at me to take the onus of his drinking.

sparklesandwine-respect in dealing with this with 4 children and keeping to a routine.
I know my children need more routine which is part of DH coming home and having meals with us as a family and helping out with the bedtime routine.
Which at the moment is non exsistant when he turns up whenever and decides it's time to play.

Sorry to hear about your dad.
I know it is so difficult to deal with and especially when you have children of your own,for me that was so difficult.

haychee-tried that with regards to saying I will leave him but he knows I have
no where to go,no money and he says I would be taking the children with me.

dayin i don't get the meals on the table ready for dp far from it tbh we eat together later as he doesn't get home until 7.30 earliest due to work but i concentrate on the dc's and making sure they have their routine, the house and our meals wait til the dc's have gone to bed that way i don't get distracted by other jobs (sometimes i do but hey!)

but my dp understands this and although it does piss him off sometimes he very rarely brings it up or i don't do anything and if i have other stuff to do ie the ironing, cleaning, dc's school things then i warn dp in advance that i won't be cooking and he either picks up a take away or he cooks - it has been hard but we have found a happy medium where i refuse to take on everything!

your being bullied. You should speak to someone who knows how you can get help. I dont know who that should be, maybe citizens advice? At least then you might have a couple of choices or feel like you have the knowledge to be able to see it through. Your the mother you have rights, you should find out where you will stand ready for when your ready to ditch him. It will be hard but short term pain for a long term gain. You really should ditch him, he sounds like a total wan#er, bullying you and scaring you, its too much hes crossed the line. Dont be so convinced that he used to do certain things that he wont do it again. Even being threatening is not on, at all!

dayin have you had counselling for your loss? if you haven't grieved properly and have suppressed your felings this may also be coming out more now

i lost my dad last year, as i said, he died just a week after ds3 was born the emotional stress was immense - i had the emotion of having a new baby and also the emotion of loosing my dad, it was a very hard time and quite dark for me, do you still talk to your sister about everything? it may help she may also want to talk about it too

i agree with haychee find out what you can do and where you can go, even if its only in the short term until you sort you head out your DH is a abusing you and your children are seeing this

I have been lurking on this thread, but just decided to post. There is another similar thread on this board and I want to give some similar advice.
Please try and get some professional support to figure out how to deal with this. Both to build your confidence back up and also to understand how to deal with someone who abuses alcohol in this manner.

You sound like an amazing person who is holding her family together - so dont under estimate how strong and capable you are.

Just know (and i grew up with an alcoholic father who to this day is still an alcoholic) - your children know something isnt quite right and this will start to effect them if it hasnt already. Unfortunately it doesnt sound as if your DH is going to change so you are going to have to be the strong one in this.

Good luck to you and do come on here for any support you may need.

Sorry not been around - was away for the weekend.

First of all giving your children chocolate and not bathing them every night does not make you a bad mother!!!! (God help me if it does!). No one is perfect and we all have our little ways that wind each other up - however that does not include mistreating your partner/spouse the way you are being mistreated.

I would say that I'm strict with my girls - some might say too strict but that is how I am, I love my girls and they love me - so you're laid back - that is just who you are, however if they see that you let H treat you that way and you don;t stand your ground, they will also start treating you like that too as they will grow up thinking its normal.

I know its hard to let go of caring what people think, but try it out on something small and you 'll be amazed how liberated you feel! I'm pretty certain that none of your neighbours has the perfect life - no one does. They will also argue, fall out, think of leaving each other at some point - its human nature. And if they have nothing better to talk about than you and your H then they are very sad little people indeed and you should feel sorry for them that they have nothing exciting in their own life.

So come on, stop coming up with excuses and do something to change your life today. Right now! Go book your first driving lesson or put on some make up and nice clothes - for you or whatever. Just do something.