What is wrong with this?

[dayindayout]

Have 2 children 4 and 5 and don't drive.
We live aboout a 20 min walk to the town.

Have just e mailed DH and asked if he would mind getting some bulky items we have run out of on the way home as our shopping delivery is'nt due until Friday.
Also if he would go to the post office to pay some money into a savings account for me.

Also OUR 2 children I have just discovered have nits so need to lyclear their hair which is'nt the easiest thing to do when on past experience they moan and run off.
So asked if he would come straight home after shopping as he normally goes for a drink after work and gets in anytime between 6.30 and 8.

His reply

"Right,not only do you want me to go to the post office and now the shopping as well I have instuctions to come straight home,thanks"

Is it me?

What's so awful about asking him to pick up some family shopping as he has the car and how awful that he is asked to come straight home for a change to help with the childrens hair.

I can't believe you say that allgone.
He's not doing her a favour,these are necessary family chores for the good of all.

I know this is just plain wrong, but get the kids to give him nice big head-contact hugs when he gets in. I'm sorry, that was naughty of me.

You're not being unreasonable, and he shouldn't act this way, as though he's doing you a favour by helping out with things. And as for telling you to f* off when you ring him...

He's being a shit.

Don't put up with this - it's totally unfair.

totally taking the piss. And no doubt will do so. Until not allowed to do so.

I must just say that it was only a few bits of essentials like toilet roll,bread etc 5 items to be exact.
I always do the planning and shopping for the main shop myself.

I already have the lyclear so he did'nt have to get that and he was going to the post office just before 5 on his way home when it is quiet.

Not sure if allgonebellyup was being sarcastic?

He goes to the pub most nights and yes on occasion he has driven home after a couple of pints which I DO NOT agree with at all,that is so selfish to us and others.

your dh is a selfish knobber.

A drink at the pub every night? god i ahve to nag my dh to go out with his mates once every couple of months.

dh works his arse off six days a week but always tries to be home so we can eat together, he then plays with ds until 6.45pm then takes him upstairs for a bath and then reads him a story and puts him to bed. He's done this almost every night since ds was born and he does it because he WANTS to, he sees it as his job as a father to spend a decent amount of time with ds every day.

I reckon you'll find this is how HIS dad was with him and any siblings......hands off and in to do any trad. bits. IME.

dayindayout i think you are extremely lenient on your DH tbh pub everynight i think he is taking the piss out of you actually, sorry but you really need to stand your ground a bit just because this is the way its always been doesn't mean its the way it has to stay!

I think you need to talk to your DH and explain how you feel about coping on your own all the time and how you want more family time etc, maybe agree to him going to the pub one specific night a week and he comes straight home the other nights but also find a night a week/fortnight/month where you go out too whether its with your friends or with your DH

my DP works an hour away and comes home 7.30 - 8pm every night so i do all the 'moaning mummy' stuff everyday on my own too and DP goes out with clients and away with work quite a bit so i know where your coming from, as i'm sure many on here do also, but please don't get stuck in a rut do think of yourself too

your DP goes to the pub very night after work and gets in between 6:30 and 8? and he drives home?

Yes i meant to mention that too - drinking and driving WHY?????

I agree with sparklesandwine. My DP goes to the pub one night a week (if that) and leaves work a bit early to fit it in.

You need to compromise with him.

He is being selfish. I can understand how difficult it is for you to stand up to him though. I have the same trouble with my DH, except that he would never insist on having a drink after work every night.

One of the hardest things about being a SAHM is that there is no clear end to your work day. He gets to unwind after his day, you need to plan some time like this for you too.
I'd probably say to him "ok Monday after work you go do your own thing, and I will look after everything here, then Tuesday you come straight home, look after things here while I will take my time off".
You may not really have anywhere to go at that time, but even a long walk while he copes with the normal home stuff would be getting your point across.
As most posters have said, he is pushing it a bit far, and I bet you find the 3 weeks he is away will be more relaxing, as at least you know where you stand.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Well he came in at 7.15 having done the shopping and dumped it on the kitchen floor,he was in a right mood.
He said he did'nt have time to go the post office and he was not back in time to help woth the childrens hair.
So I suspose 1 out of 3 ain't bad!!!

I had rung him at 6.40 to ask if he was on the way and he was in the pub surprise suprise and said he was just finishing his pint.
He obviously needed a drink after doing all that shopping

As for drinking and driving he does get taxi's quite frequently or a lift with a friend.

PAN-you have hit the nail right on the head.
From what I can gather his father was the same,in fact he worked away abroad and would be away for the week coming home at weekends.
So DH grew up also with lots of buisness dinner parties and of course drinking.
His family are very sociable and still entertain a lot,when we visit there are normally people over to stay and G&T's at 6pm and wine with dinner every night is part of their lifestyle.

Me,I was brought up quite differently with a mother who was in and out of hospital a lot and a father who was always home on time and we sat at the dinner table and ate together every night.
Drinkinf for my parents was only done at christmas,parties etc.

Not saying he should conform to my way of thinking but to just limit his going to the pub to one day a week.

Not sure how to go about it.

There probably isn't much you can do except voice your feelings.

Can you suggest specific things for him to do with the kids in the evening, in front of him as he's letting them down as well as you. (ie can you help x with his homework, or play football, computer etc).

Can you agree a specific night (Thurs night) that he goes to the pub.

Do you think he's become dependent on an after work drink to relax and can't do without it?

Selfish arse!

And not wanting to be with his kids because normal is boring

My DH goes out several times a week which is fine because he goes out after the kids are in bed. So he sees them, spends some time with them and helps me get them sorted for bed.

I'd be livid. Not fair at all.

when we were in the UK I used to take it in turns with DH to go to the pub with the sunday papers for an hour (one went one week, the next the next). Because we both work hard in diff ways and both deserve the break. Your DH is treating you like a skivvy.

This probably won't do any good, but could you try telling him that

HIS CHILDREN MISS HIM !!!

Would he come home say 2 or 3 nights a week if he thought his kids wanted him to bath them/play with them/ read to them etc?

Has he EVER done it, ever been home for that evening routine? If not, he reallyu should try it.

And if he says "I don't like all that stuff",then you say "And you think I do ???".

Point out that you married HIM, chose to be with him. You didn't do that so he can stand in the pub, while you grub around at home. Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP (parenting more so).
Being a Father is more than just providing providing monetary support. It is about being there, loving your children, ACTIVELY loving them, not just having a photo on your desk and telling everyone in the pub how you love them.

This needs sorting NOW, before you get into the situation that he NEVER turns up at school plays and sports days, believing it's your job.
His work is his job, his children should be his LIFE.

Blimey I'm actually really with your dh

dayindayout i think you have to maybe use your powers of persuasion to get him back home on time (that sounds really bloody awful doesn't it!) but sometimes you have to bring him round to your way of thinking gently so he doesn't realise your making an issue out of it as argueing about it tends not to get the results you want

If your DH is anything like my DP if I complain about him being out late again or sound pissed of when i speak to him he generally stays out later just to piss me off! so i be nice on the phone and then he comes home on time - not right and i know i should be braver but i know how to handle him and like an easy life! [wimp emoticon]

Maybe you could organise to take the children out for dinner occasionally so he has to be home for that, do a nice dinner bottle of wine at home, in the school holidays see if you can get someone to look after your dc's occasionally and meet him at the pub after work and enjoy a drink together, take the DC's to meet him for lunch if the weather is nice that sort of thing

I know its you doing all the work (again!) but this may make him see that you want to spend time with him for his company and he will hopefully in turn see what fun you can have together and that he doesn't need to always be at the pub after work, family come first and he should remember that!

I am always telling him I am used to him letting me down but it's not fair to do it to the children.
They are always asking when Daddy will be home and look forward to it after being stuck with moaning mummy all the time!!

I think he does look forward to his chats in the pub with grown ups after work and helps him to relax but just builds up resentment on my part.
My parents died over 10 years ago and his parents live away so we don't have anyone to look after the children and consquently have'nt been out together alone in 6 years.

He does play with the children and reads to them and is very good with them and will take them out at weekends to give me a break wo.

It's just the fact that he thinks he can go to the pub get in at 7.30 or 8 and then play with them when I am trying to settle them for bed.

I do feel like his servant sometimes and funnily enough when his family were living in South Africa in his teenage years they did have servants.
Maybe I have hit on something there!!!!

I need to talk to him and suggest he limits the days he goes to the oub and make it sound like it was his idea as I know from past experience he hates being told what to do.

its a tricky one dayin (sorry hope you don't mind the shortened name!) as he sounds like a good father when he's there but maybe you should talk about his past a little with regard to his parents and see if he liked it when they left him its not the norm and he does need to see that

but i do think he sounds like a selfish arse tbh he can't get this time back with your dc's - do you go out much with your friends?

Well, I can kinda see where he's coming from.

You've given him a whole list of things to do after work - then told him to come straight home! Bit difficult to do both (perhaps he wasnt thinking that you were referring to his pub visits?)

dayindayout, my dh had a friend who was similar to your dh - down the pub every night after work leaving his wife to do everything. So finally his wife booked a whole load of evening classes and presented her husband with her timetable saying "on these evenings I have to leave the house at this time so you will need to be home". What could he say?

BTW you are not being unreasonable!

hi dayin, i have had similar probs with my dh and have recently realised that exlaining how i feel doesn't work, it just makes him annoyed.

My new policy is action not words as that seems to be a much better way of communicating.

I think you should try to DO something so show him what you need from him. IMO don't ring him on his mobile anymore to see when he's coming home - it seems to have become a pattern that you ring him and he gets annoyed. Does he ever ring you with requests in the afternoon? if so I would screen your calls and say you were too busy to answer.

I would do what another poster suggested and leave the kids up and dressed and begin the process when he gets home (I know a late night but could be worth it in long run). When he arrives home say "I thought I'd wait till you got home to sort the kids out - it's much more fun when we do it together"
I know he'll be in a bad mood at this - but try to ignore him and get on with job.

Maybe he'll realise he'd rather do that at 6 that at 8.30. Also you could present him with the option of going to the pub after kids have gone to bed.

Re the Moscow trip - when my DH travelled I looked forward to it because it was easier when he was away - don't let it get to this - we split up (have got back together since).

haha elenyatuesday i like that!! good on your friend