Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

337 replies

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:30

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 10/05/2019 09:34

I think you need to be honest and tell them this isnt working. 4 months is a long time, doesn't the husband have a job?

Hollowvictory · 10/05/2019 09:36

Do you want them to stay for 4 months? If not, say so

7yo7yo · 10/05/2019 09:36

Why the fuck would you let them stay for 4 months? Are they paying you anything?

It’s strange how cheeky fuckers are always sensitive.

HeresMe · 10/05/2019 09:36

They don't sound like lovely people to be honest.

Turn up pretty unannounced for a four month stay, be noisy which is disrespectful to you.
Why do they need to stay four months?
Sounds all very cheeky to me.

HollowTalk · 10/05/2019 09:39

They turn up with virtually no notice, scream all morning and leave a mess? On what basis are they friends? ANYONE can be good company over an evening meal with wine.

EssentialHummus · 10/05/2019 09:41

They don’t sound lovely. “We’re finding the mornings too loud, adults more than children - could you keep it down until 9am?”

sackrifice · 10/05/2019 09:43

4 months????

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:44

ANYONE can be good company over an evening meal with wine.

Ha this is true. I guess I just mean, other than the noise and mess, they're easy and we enjoy having them around.

I guess it's because they're a family friend, and we're the only one with space for them, I feel like we can't say no.

She comes here for work but no they don't pay anything. They don't really have much money and I don't think her work would pay for accommodation for all of them so it would mean her being away from her children for all of that time. So I'm just feeling like it makes sense and is the good thing to do to have them to stay.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 10/05/2019 09:45

Why are you only asking about the husbands job, doesn't she?
Op this is madness! Are they homeless?

PepperAndCheese · 10/05/2019 09:45

She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything

I have to say, someone who can just turn up on a friends doorstep with all of her family with no notice and declare they are staying for 4 months, does not sound like a quiet, sensitive person who even knows what guilt feels like!

I know thats not helpful!

I think you need to say it in a "fun and enthusiastic" way. Good luck with that.

thelastgoldeneagle · 10/05/2019 09:45

No good reason not to
You don't need a reason. Just say no.

But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

No, they're really not.They sound like selfish users. Most people would be very aware of the noise they were making and would keep it down.

I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything

She can't be that sensitive if she's happy to arrive at yours with no warning and stay for months and put you out! Or is she only sensitive to her OWN needs?? I bet.

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving.

Ask them. Take control. Say, 'it's been lovely to see you but we really need our own space now. Next time, I'd appreciate more warning of your visit. it's not always convenient. I know you'll understand.'
And her response will tell you everything you need to know!

Out of interest, do they buy meals and contribute while they're freeloading off you? Do you ever stay with them?

StealthPolarBear · 10/05/2019 09:46

X post so they're with you for her job.
Do the children not go to any sort of nursery or preschool? Are you in the UK?

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:46

They aren't homeless, but are based on the other side of the world. So wouldn't be easy for them all to stay together whilst she works over here otherwise.

OP posts:
thelastgoldeneagle · 10/05/2019 09:48

we're the only one with space for them, I feel like we can't say no
Of course you can!!! Stand up for yourself!!! I could NOT have someone else in my hosue for 4 months, not matter how lovely they were.

She comes here for work but no they don't pay anything. ... So I'm just feeling like it makes sense and is the good thing to do to have them to stay.

Cheeky freeloaders.

It's her life. She and her h have to work their lives and finances out themselves. It's not your circus, not your monkeys. And she's relying on your good nature. Don't be a pushover.

Flowersonthewall · 10/05/2019 09:48

If she has to move to the other side of the world for her job for 4 months at a time she will be getting expenses surely for accommodation? She is taking the piss with you and is the cheekiest fucker I've seen on here for a long time!

StealthPolarBear · 10/05/2019 09:48

They could hire somewhere!
If you want fun and enthusiastic leave a little poem on the kitchen door. But in reality stand up for yourself!

thelastgoldeneagle · 10/05/2019 09:49

What doe she do that she has to come halfway round the world to do it, yet doesn't earn much and her work wouldn't pay for accommodation?? What does her h do?

heyd · 10/05/2019 09:49

Oh gosh this is an unreasonable request from them!!

Thehop · 10/05/2019 09:49

This is ridiculous! They’re using you and they’re huge CF.

You have got to put your foot down!!!!

Waveysnail · 10/05/2019 09:50

Earplugs and fan in your room plus asking them to keep noise down a bit until after 9am.

Janus · 10/05/2019 09:50

Ok so you are close to where she can get some sort of temporary (4 months) work? You are incredibly generous. They come in to eat with you so do you provide all the food? Feeding a family of now 6 is not cheap!!
I think you have to be honest, why not blame this weekend and hope they follow for the rest of the time. For example ‘could I just mention I’m out tonight and Saturday night and likely to get home late and a little bit tipsy! Can you please keep everyone a bit quiet until about 10am so I can recover?!!!’ Then hope to god they do it for the rest of the 4 months the!

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:53

Really trying not to be caught out as not sure if she reads here, I'd imagine she doesn't have time, but you never know.
Both kids are under 3 so not really at nursery age, the father is full time looking after them whilst she works.

It does sound like they're quite cheeky, and I have thought that myself but my partner, whilst he gets annoyed about it and he has actually asked them to keep it down a couple of times, as they tend to stand chatting loudly outside his office when he's on conference calls, other than that he doesn't see the issue with it.
He's very accommodating, never falls out with people. Much more patient and kind than I.

I have a tendency to get overly annoyed about things and then just say what I think, and offend people.
So I just want to keep my cool in this situation and not end it all on a sour note!

OP posts:
Yabbers · 10/05/2019 09:53

Can you please keep everyone a bit quiet until about 10am so I can recover?!!!’ Then hope to god they do it for the rest of the 4 months the!

Or, ask them to keep it down all the time. Why pussyfoot around and live on hope? I can't understand why if you were talking to them about it you would make it about one day rather than their whole stay.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 10/05/2019 09:55

4 months is a long time.

You need to set some rules now otherwise things will go wrong and will fester until you explode. I’ve been there.

ChicCroissant · 10/05/2019 09:55

Just tell them. Far easier than trying to come up with some patently fabricated scenario to introduce the topic. Honestly, don't make hard work out of a small issue.

I will resist from commenting on the length of the stay.