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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

337 replies

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:30

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

OP posts:
JaneEyre07 · 10/05/2019 11:03

I've never met anyone in real life that allows these things to happen.

You're being a mug OP, no wonder they're taking the piss.

People can only behave this badly when they are enabled to.

CJSmith2019 · 10/05/2019 11:04

4 nights would be too much for me, OP.

outvoid · 10/05/2019 11:04

I think they need you more than you need them. I’m sure it may well spoil the ‘atmosphere’ but not for very long since they need you for accommodation...

Four months is utterly ridiculous, especially with no notice whatsoever! Not many people would stand for this, even for the closest of friends. They don’t sound particularly lovely OP, they just sound like entitled freeloaders.

CJSmith2019 · 10/05/2019 11:05

It's well past the being nice stage. And no, they are not at all sensitive, IMO.

BowiesJumper · 10/05/2019 11:06

What about the extra gas/electric/water costs? Surely they've offered to contribute towards those??!

Mitzimaybe · 10/05/2019 11:07

Focus on your feelings and your needs, so it's not just a criticism. Tell them that you are finding it stressful having the four of them compared with her previous solo visits. Say that you need some peace and quiet in the mornings and especially at weekends. That they need to keep the children in the annexe until 8am weekdays and 10am weekends (or whatever suits you.) An adult can get stuff from the kitchen and bring it back to their rooms earlier but as a family they need to stay in the annexe until that time. You also need them to clear up xx room(s) by xx time each day.

If they take offence at that, well they can just find a hotel.

OP don't be apologetic, don't be guilty. You are doing them a MASSIVE favour. It is not unreasonable that they show you some consideration in return. I agree with PPs who say she must be getting some expenses for her accommodation - that should be coming to you, either as cash or as meals out / takeaways bought / gifts. If she's not doing that then she is a CF who is just taking you for all she can get and you owe her nothing.

Missingstreetlife · 10/05/2019 11:11

Aggressive is not needed. Ask them to go elsewhere for a week, she must get holidays. Have a few brochures handy
We used to have a rule that anyone who stayed more than a week paid rent

Lweji · 10/05/2019 11:12

I think the pp who suggested a mini kitchen in the annex has got the solution.

If you rent it.
Why should the OP pay the extra cost to have freeloaders in her home for 4 months?
I bet they wouldn't consider paying for a small kitchen for their own use.

It looks to me that you've accepted her cheeky fuckiness without challenge for so long that they think they can get away with anything.

Nobody who has a minimum of consideration for others goes to stay with their entire family for 4 months at friends without asking first and with plenty of warning.

ChicCroissant · 10/05/2019 11:14

I'll start off by saying, I'm going out tonight, would like a little hangover morning in peace, see where that conversation takes us and hopefully it leads to a general conversation about noise.

No. This is not the right approach - you are testing them to come up with the conversation and if they don't pass the test and read your mind you will be resentful. Don't make them guess - make it easy for them. Spell it out. Nobody likes to be tested. You are doing them a favour, it's OK to spell it out.

FriarTuck · 10/05/2019 11:18

I just have a tendency to go over board and be rude.
This is that time! Be rude, be so rude they leave immediately and you never hear from them again. They're taking the piss like no-one has taken it before. And they're walking all over you because you let them. Put your bloody foot down woman!

FriarTuck · 10/05/2019 11:21

And if you can't manage that then tell them you've had a call from a friend who's having an emergency - their roof has collapsed, they need a place to stay and while they can stay in a hotel tonight they can't afford that for any longer than a night and so you've said they can have the space at yours. You understand it's inconveniencing CF Family but you know they'll understand and after all Dear Friend has a 2 month old baby and a disabled 3 year old to care for. If they could be out by midday tomorrow you'd be grateful. It's been lovely having you.'

LizB62A · 10/05/2019 11:22

4 months?!

If you think that earplugs are "a good shout" then you're clearly not willing to deal with the real problem, which is her turning up with her family for 4 months....

You need to get tougher and get rid.

dustarr73 · 10/05/2019 11:23

Is this the longest they have ever stayed.No way would i be able for that

PlanBea · 10/05/2019 11:23

Is your CF family friend actually a friend the 8 months of the year they aren't freeloading? I get wanting to be a good person, but there's being a good person and there's being an excellent doormat.

LazyLizzy · 10/05/2019 11:28

Rent free for 4 months.

They only need 3 doormat friends, free home all year round. Why should they pay rent/mortgage when you will cover it.

regmover · 10/05/2019 11:29

Put a mini kitchen in?? For a pair of freeloading, inconsiderate CF's? Really?? GrinGrin

GabsAlot · 10/05/2019 11:29

it doesnt matter what job it is theyre still not offering u board money-u cant do that even to a family friend

most jobs dont ask u to go to the other side of the world for free-how long is this going to go on for are they young?

Celebelly · 10/05/2019 11:29

Four months?!?!?!?! That's insane.

Original poster
lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 11:39

Ear plugs are a great way to be non-confrontational about the issue
which is sort of my aim
However
I've never liked earplugs so doubt i'll go with that option to be honest

I've called my partner and asked him to have a word as I just don't think I can trust myself. I'm sat at my desk rehearsing what I'd say and it just comes out really bitchy each time.
He's said he will as he'll see them after work this evening, whereas I'm going to go straight out instead, and he was also annoyed about the unnecessary noise this morning. This morning was much earlier and louder than normal, which I think just finally tipped me over the edge.

If there's noise before I arise tomorrow, which realistically will be 8 or 9....
I will go down at the time, as suggested by a few and have a word.

To the person who suggested, my issue that I let things boil and build up til i explode.... you are absolutely right

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 10/05/2019 11:39

OH my god. You must be the kindest, most accommodating person ever. Please tell them not to come into the house until lunch time! They can take the kids out for breakfast. The least they can do...

AssangesCat · 10/05/2019 11:41

Better idea would be that they pay for kettle, toaster and mini-fridge with the money they are saving staying with you. I'd be surprised if you can't get the lot from Argos for under £50.

DS used to be an early riser. On holiday sharing accommodation with extended family I used to spring out of bed as soon as he stirred, usher him to the furthest corner of the house from all the sleepers and keep him busy with an arsenal of sticker books and card games until everyone else got up. That is what most decent people would do. I will say that if I left it to DH on the occasional morning he didn't move fast enough and DS would wake everyone, and all would be grumpy for the day.

It seems your DH is good at putting others first, but that doesn't include his wife.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/05/2019 11:42

If you offend them by losing it and spelling out every single thing they've done to annoy you, what's the worst that could happen? If you do nothing, the worst that could happen is that this same situation plays itself out again in the very near future. Or maybe next time they'll bring Granny too.

I suspect that if you look back at your relationship, you will see that your boundaries have been gently pushed and you have been gradually lulled into being their free and unquestioning support service. You have become their default. If they were the sort of people to respond to reason, they wouldn't be behaving like this, so offending them may well be the best option.

Poppyinafieldofdreams · 10/05/2019 11:50

There is nothing that I would do to put at risk a great friendship. They don’t come along that often.

We all make mistakes. In the scheme of things it’s no big deal. In fact it is a compliment that they feel at ease.

Enjoy it. Think good thoughts. Positive thoughts yield positive results.

Lweji · 10/05/2019 11:52

One of the questions is if this is a great friendship or if they just keep it up for the free lodgings.
I'd think great friends would be more considerate of each other.

hippermiddleton · 10/05/2019 11:53

if they're at the point of just turning up at your annexe unannounced for a four-month stay - ie, for ONE THIRD OF THE YEAR - then I'd suggest that they're gone beyond considering it your home at all, and more their own holiday home. Which is maybe why they don't actually feel the need to consider your feelings about early mornings/general convenience.

Maybe another family friend needs to 'borrow' it for a week's stay later this month? They won't mind budging up, will they? Will they?