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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

337 replies

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:30

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

OP posts:
Motoko · 12/05/2019 22:21

@lessnoisepls did your husband speak to them?

Bignosenobum · 12/05/2019 22:24

Is it not extremely expensive to bring an entire family over? Compared to maybe staying closer to home.

lessnoisepls · 12/05/2019 22:48

Well it’s been some weekend.

I’m sort of wondering if my neighbour has been reading here...

My next door neighbour had a house party on Friday night that kept the poor family up until 5am. Obnoxiously loud music etc, that I would have found annoying had I not had the right amount of wine and dancing to help me fall asleep! Theres a perfect pressure point for me where I will fall into the deepest sleep and very little can wake me for the next few hours! (But I can’t have lots of wine every night for the next two months can I ? Can I? Hmmm)

The ‘annexe’ where they are all staying, shares a wall with the neighbours so sadly for them they got the worst of the noise, and not an ounce of sleep.

My partner went straight out after work on Friday so didn’t come home and have the conversation annoyingly. Not that I blame him on that front, the journey didn’t make sense.

So anyways come Saturday morning, to make it up to me, as soon as he heard the family come into the house he went downstairs, asked them to keep it down whilst I slept in. And I didn’t hear a peep! I slept in til 10:30am! Hallelujah

This morning, different story.
7:15 not completely ridiculous but still not ideal.
Can hear the father chatting to the children as loudly as is possible, I can barely hear the children’s voices but his voice is bellowing throughout the house . So I charged downstairs looking rather rough I imagine,
‘Bit early for this noise for me, do you mind if I close this door over?’
Big apologies, they keep ‘forgetting’ to close the door - my partners repeatedly asking them to close it behind them as it really does make such a difference with the noise in this house.

Problem for me is once I’m out of bed, that’s me, so there was no return to bed for a lie in.

I could hear him shushing the children later on which made me laugh because it’s really not the children that I can hear it’s them!!!

OP posts:
fc301 · 12/05/2019 23:07

So neither you nor your DH have discussed this with them still?!

Motoko · 12/05/2019 23:08

Tell them that it's actually them who you can hear.

Erythronium · 13/05/2019 00:32

do you mind if I close this door over?’

Noooooo!!! You asked an unwanted uninvited visitor in your own house if they minded if you shut your own door. That is so wrong.

7.15 on a Sunday morning is indeed ridiculous. Get yourself a pair of these OP, you're going to need them for the next two months, and for next year too.....

www.screwfix.com/p/3m-peltor-optime-iii-ear-defenders-35db-snr/13258

SilverySurfer · 13/05/2019 00:49

I started writing but I am so gobsmacked by your update that I don't know what to say. Either tell them to fuck off and don't come back or pay for your neighbour to hold an all night party every night until they are driven mad from lack of sleep. The former would be preferable..

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 13/05/2019 01:25

lock the door?

idbenappingbutthedogbarked · 13/05/2019 01:40

Christ op you and your dh need to grow a pair.

YemenRoadYemen · 13/05/2019 01:46

I can't believe you are feeling bad for them due to disturbed sleep. 😂

mokapot · 13/05/2019 02:01

I feel something is missing here...

Some fookin balls op!

CrumpetyTea · 13/05/2019 02:06

If they are good enough friends to have them to stay for 4 months they are good enough friends to be told to be quiet.
Why do they need to be in the Kitchen so early- can you rejiggle things so they don't- ie cereal and milk/kettle in their annexe?
shut the door as you go to bed?

Seahorseshoe · 13/05/2019 02:34

She really should've asked. I love my mum to bits, close mates now I'm nearly 50 - but even she would ask first.

They're taking liberties with you. 4 months is the whole of the summer.

lessnoisepls · 13/05/2019 08:54

No neither my partner or I have had a big sit down discussion nor did we really have the chance to this weekend but each made a point of asking them to keep it down and this morning, despite hearing them come into the house at 6:30 (I was up anyway) they all quietly filed into the living room, shut the door behind them and I haven’t heard a peep. This is a first.

Shall see how it continues but after having a quick word with my biggest sarcastic ‘oh if you don’t mind because I bloody well do’ smile... I feel a lot more at ease at discussing it with them.

For the few people that have mentioned - no I’m not rich, normal background, normal job.
Dp also very normal job but his family are pretty well off and so we stay in one of their properties - it’s a large property especially for the city/area.
So yes, we are lucky and I guess feel indebted to his parents, however this time is different.
Our friend has never stayed here for this length of time before, we are normally their stopping point for a day or two when travelling.
So it’s not the norm, they aren’t just here for a free holiday, it’s work related and my friend ends up working all over the world.
So for everyone saying they’re gonna start turning up every year here etc etc they won’t unless they have work here, and then, the kids will be starting school soon, so I don’t imagine it’s the same option for them to come over all together again.

I’m totally over living in the large luxurious house, it’s a pain. Can’t wait to move into a nice little cottage with little to no room for guests!

OP posts:
sallyh1971 · 13/05/2019 09:47

Wow, 4 months? and they hardly give you any notice. You are so tolerant. I couldn't do that. If you want to have a chat though here's a suggestion. "Could we have a chat about your stay with us? We love having you here but there a few things that are impacting us. Firstly it would be helpful if you can give us more notice of when you're planning to arrive so we can prepare. Secondly, 4 months is a long time so can you discuss timeframes with us beforehand to see if it fits in with what we have on? Finally the walls are thin and we can hear you in the mornings which is impacting on our sleep. We appreciate it's tricky to ask the kids to keep quiet but we can hear you so if you can keep the noise down until x o'clock that would be great". If they take offence then that's their problem, not yours.

cheezy · 13/05/2019 11:31

I think this is a joke thread about swallows Grin

Upzadaizy · 13/05/2019 11:35

@cheezy Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin

Lweji · 13/05/2019 18:54

You almost convinced me, but then I remembered that swallows are not vegetarian. Sad

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 13/05/2019 21:06

Grin @cheezy - too funny! Grin

GabsAlot · 13/05/2019 21:18

i dont get it they come for 4 months but not usually?

tell them to shut up i dont think shut the door is quite telling them tbf

ImpracticalCape · 14/05/2019 06:16

Oh god. All the florid, woolly side stepping of the issue in some of these suggestions. It's quite simple:

Tonight: 'you are waking me up every morning as you are talking too loudly. Keep it down please, I can hear everything. If you can't then you'll need to stay in your (quarters? Wing?!)

When they next turn up: Hello CF 'friend' well no you didn't give us any notice you were coming so you can't stay here. Bye

Done.

fedup21 · 14/05/2019 07:13

we are normally their stopping point for a day or two when travelling

One person stopping for a day or two is very different from a family of 4 staying and expecting to pay nothing for FOUR months!!

I don’t really get why you are not furious about it to be honest!

CJSmith2019 · 14/05/2019 10:46

I'm not sure if you mentioned that they also leave the place in a mess and you end up tidying after them. If so, mention that too.

SilverySurfer · 14/05/2019 14:09

I'm planning on having some decorating done later this year. Obviously it would be better for all concerned if I moved out for a month so shall be moving into your annex OP, with effect from 1 September.

There's only me, I'm not noisy nor am I a vegan. You won't know I'm there. I appreciate I am giving you plenty of notice which is a novelty for you but I like to get things settled early. No need to thank me.

Obviously the above would be outrageous but is it THAT much more outrageous than what these people have done, moving in for FOUR MONTHS with no notice? I appreciate I'm not a family friend but we can become best friends when I move in.

lessnoisepls · 14/05/2019 16:51

@SilverySurfer fabulous I look forward to it Wink

OP posts: