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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

337 replies

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:30

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

OP posts:
lessnoisepls · 14/05/2019 16:57

I've lost track of what I've said here and what I've said in private messages but - ultimately this isn't my home.

This is a home belonging to my partner's family, and whilst we get to live in it for next to nothing money wise, it comes with the catch of hosting the whole family quite regularly, but it is a big house and easy enough to do so.

This is a first for a long term really, any longer term friends in the past have paid rent which goes directly to my partner's family -but never this family friend.

This family friend has come to stay in the past but we've barely noticed them and it's been very easy - they have keys to the house - so can effectively show up whenever, no notice really required - I believe they actually gave my in-laws some notice, it was just us who got the last minute notice.

So I guess I feel like, whilst this is where my partner and I live, it is not our home - well, entirely anyways.
I get cheap rent, so I have to take the peaks with the troughs.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 14/05/2019 19:07

Lovely, will see you on 1 September. Smile

Seriously, what price cheap rent OP? It seems the troughs far outweigh the peaks. It's not really your home and you have no say over people arriving to stay whenever and for as long as they want with little notice. What does your DH think about it? Would renting your own place be totally out of the question? I do really feel for you.

Erythronium · 14/05/2019 20:13

Your partner's family certainly aren't letting it be your home. It is though, you live there all the time and you're paying rent. They're not being very thoughtful.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 14/05/2019 21:13

It isn’t really your home, you are guests in your pils house.

7yo7yo · 14/05/2019 22:46

Get your own place.
Living like this is fucking ridiculous.
Or tell DP to sort it out and tell them they need to communicate directly with you on future to see if it is convenient for them to come and stay. Also make it clear that a 4 month stay can’t happen again.
Decide your bottom line together with your partner and stick to it.

Mix56 · 15/05/2019 08:10

I would explain to PIL that they cannot just come & go as they wish, you need to be asked & forewarned & that whilst you do pay rent to live there & are very grateful, it simply is not impossible to have people with small DC staying for a 3rd of the year.
You must get the key back

woolduvet · 15/05/2019 13:32

If there is an obligation to host could you separate the house from the annexe more.
Could you set it up so they are more independent (and soundproofed..)

CabbageHippy · 15/05/2019 13:41

I would quite honestly have a quiet word with one or both of them & explain that you would be grateful if they were very quiet or went away this weekend due to the hangover you will be working on, if it was me I would find that quite amusing & absolutely respect that.

And I do understand them coming to stay, I have friends I would happily have this arrangement with

LooUpdate · 16/05/2019 17:38

Any update OP?

EleanorLavish · 16/05/2019 17:47

I've a friend who married a farmer. He lived in the family farm, which was now his, with his mother.My friend moved in when they married. It was never her home.
His siblings just let themselves in whenever they wanted. My friend kept all her wedding presents boxed away for years. She felt so unwanted in her supposedly home. MIL eventually became infirm, as friend was a nurse she was happy to help with caring etc. But eventually they wanted her to do all the caring day and night. My friend worked full time!
It was a total nightmare.
I feel for you OP, it is a very tricky situation.

lessnoisepls · 21/05/2019 14:50

See previous update for how that particular weekend went ( in general, fine).

Since we made a couple of comments about closing doors/keeping noise down, they have been 100% better. I haven't been woken up by them since that weekend and they've made great efforts I must say.

I was going to do weekly shop and they asked to tag along and ended up much to my surprise paying for my shop. They also took my partner out for a couple of meals whilst I was away for a few nights so they seem to making an effort and showing some gratitude.

I went to clean last night, and noticed that other than a bit of mess, the place in general was actually very clean!

@EleanorLavish that sounds dreadful - whats your friend's situation now? I feel sort of similar, will never feel like this is my home and can't wait for the day we have our own place. I do fear what will happen with the ILs as they get older and perhaps require our help. I can foresee if we stay here in this house, them moving in and we would become their carers for sure, but I'm determined not to allow that to become our fate.
For now, the city we live in and the wages we earn, it pays off to live here and have the frequent interruptions of multiple family members coming to stay. It means we generally have a higher quality of life as we pay minimal rent, whereas our rent would be astronomical otherwise.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 21/05/2019 15:14

Work will be funding any accommodation on expenses. She's just choosing to use you instead as she can bring the family too. And how rude to just turn up with notice & create noise & chaos. I'd just say can we tone down the noise levels in the mornings, it's a fraught way to start the day. Youre doing her a massive favour and she should be respect that & be a considerate guest.

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