To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

[lessnoisepls]

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

This set up has been on the go for a long time, long before I was on the scene.

Whilst I do think it's cheeky that someone would continually have free accommodation, and never offer to pay etc, that issue is not entirely mine to moan about.

However, this situation, is very different.
This is the longest they have come to stay, and with family in tow, it's entirely different, and I think my dp's family who insist we host them, have seen that this is actually quite ridiculous, my PIL came to stay too for a few days during their visit to see them and couldn't stand the kids etc and all the noise, so I think should we refuse in future, they'd understand...

To the person who suggested, my issue that I let things boil and build up til i explode.... you are absolutely right

@lessnoisepls I was thinking this. I don’t think it helps that your DH seems to make you feel unreasonable for having a perfectly normal reaction to abnormal amounts of cheeky fuckery. Being sarky about how “kind and accommodating” you are is his way of excusing his doormat people pleasing behaviour. That’s up to him but it doesn’t make you unreasonable!

All you want is peace & quiet in YOUR OWN HOME. How in anyway is that unreasonable?

It’s much better to get frustration out before it builds up to boiling point. As long as you are polite and firm but reasonable, anyone who takes offence is choosing to do so and that is their problem, not yours.

As pps have said, this is the halfway point so a good time for reinforcing boundaries.

Just remember, this is your home. Next time your DH makes out you’re being rude/unreasonable, just calmly say that actually you are having a completely normal reaction and it’s perfectly ok to be annoyed at CFs disrupting your home. Doesn’t make you bitchy, it makes you a normal human!

Whose family friend is she? Your DH's or yours? (Sorry if you've said and I've missed it.) Or is she a family friend of someone's parents - which is always... ngh.

Blimey what a nightmare.
I hope your DH gets through to them later and you get your lie-in!
Have fun tonight and come home and make a huge amount of noise!

Family friend of my partner and his family.
Sort of half way age between my partner and his parent's so quite equally friends of both.

But my partner's parent's have always put her up, and now it's fallen to us as my partner's parents have moved.

@lessnoisepls I can be assertive, I just have a tendency to go over board and be rude.
I really want to be better this time. But maybe this isn't the time to focus on being better?!

That resonates; but... you and your husband should level each other out. He's far too accommodating and may as well change his name to doormat. You can be a bit too assertive as you let yourself boil over. Which means together, you can find a reasonable middle.

It's not letting them stay for four months, really, but if you'd like to see this time out - ground rules are needed, for everyone's sake.

For this weekend, give them a bag of bread, jam, fruit, cereal, milk, coffee, and ask them to stay in the annex until lunchtime, as you need some rest. Good luck!

Sounds like you're running a free B N B! If you don't want them walking all over you then start shaking out the doormat. Can't believe you agreed to this. Sounds like some flaky job she has unless she's an international spy and it's all hush hush.

I'm going to presume the drip feed is this is your partners sister or daughter. Which would make it reasonable for her to turn up unannounced.
However, you now live with your partner and require some consideration. Come up with a calm considered plan of action with your partner on how this situation can be made easier for all involved.
Then allow your partner to deal with it.

4 months? You are crazy.

Right, op, if you want to improve your communication style more generally for the future so you can identify when and how to stand up for yourself, and avoid bottling it up and then exploding, this will help:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

It has a series of modules you can work through to give you some tools and improve your skills.

I suspect, although I could be wrong, that your rehearsals are not as "bitchy" as you think, it's just that you're so uncomfortable and unfamiliar with being assertive that you're judging it very harshly rather than how other people would perceive it.

Every time I read a CF thread I think 'this is ridiculous' then along comes another!
These people are users, there's no way a job sends you abroad for 4 months and do not give you some kind of expenses; can't think what her job can be. So she keeps her full salary with only food to buy, nice profit for her. Tell them this is the last time they stay.

If you didn't keep your cool and it ended on a sour note would they get the message and not use your hospitality again?

I understand that you don't want to upset them and prefer to be tactful but if you're pushed too far (and hungover) you may well explode, not necessarily a bad thing.

It isn't 'nice' but shouting, "Will you jolly well shut up!" isn't the end of the world. If/when any further requests are made say, "No, it isn't possible."

I'm not saying there's no expenses with her job, I just don't think they stretch to include the family. For various reasons, it's much easier they stay with us.

@Stayawayfromitsmouth are they family? No. Not related at all.
I'm surprised that anyone would think it reasonable for family to turn up to stay for a while unannounced.
I'd always let my family know/ask/check dates ok, even my parents house, where I still have a bedroom - I'd always check they aren't busy/hosting others etc

thanks @oneforthepain that's actually really helpful

You could start the conversation by saying: "If this is going to work for 4 months, then we need to establish some ground rules so that we are all happy...."

It should imply that you are prepared to cut their visit short.

Them buying a kettle, toaster and minifridge is a good idea. They could take the plates, etc in the evening and return them mid morning for washing (them, of course).

I hope they pay for food shopping regularly.

This is unbelievable, how can they be so insensitive? Tell them to bugger off. It’s one thing having to put up with one adult in your annexe, but a whole family for four months!
Can’t think of anyone who would a) do this or b) put up with anyone else doing it.

they are Vegan, we are not

Why does this not surprise me??? OP you have the patient of a SAINT. Who in their right mind would agree to two adults and two toddlers in their home for FOUR FUCKING MONTHS???

Mini fridge (Aldi, about £60), kettle, toaster and a one ring induction hob. They can do a vegan breakfast in their room.

Just over £100 if you get the cheap versions of everything. Perhaps, as they pay no rent, you could suggest they buy this stuff and you'll keep it for them for next year?

If there was a bigger fool it's you. On what planet do you think they are lovely people.

They pitch up announced and with a whole family in tow.
They decide to stay for four months.
They dont pay anything.
They are inconsiderate

But it's ok because they provide good chat and laughs.
They are completely taking advantage of you but I cant really blame them as you are oblivious to anything. As I said- Mug!!

I had missed the food and vegan bit!

Went food shopping with my partner the other day and he said shall we phone them and see if they need anything?

Surely, they should be phoning you to ask if you need anything, as compensation...

They are taking the mick. She will be getting expenses, that’s how the whole family were able to come because flights are expensive. I doubt she is as poorly paid as you believe, she is just taking advantage of friend and bringing her whole family with no notice, making a racket and a mess is out of order. Just because this is the way it has always been for her does not mean it will carry on. You may have the space but you don’t have to have her whole family descending on you for 4 months with no notice. I would get a kettle, fridge, toaster, microwave and some plastic picnic plates etc and put them in the annexe, they can purchase what they need to feed themselves in the mornings until a reasonable hour. I cannot understand why they think it’s ok to scream with/at the kids early in the morning. They don’t sound nice at all, the sound entitled, inconsiderate and extremely selfish.

I feel stressed just reading this.....

Forget niceties and 'padding out' ; just be direct. Think 'bullet points' in your mind, and rhyme them off with no emotion. That's detached assertiveness, so you should be able to do that, if you are normally assertive.

Good luck. Im awestruck at the CFNess of turning up with whole family for 4 months. Who does that? Seriously, who does that?

Does she work in the arts, OP? I know a few people with a similar work life involving stays with friends across the globe for long stints, although in their case it’s all reciprocal arrangements.

To the person who suggested, my issue that I let things boil and build up til i explode.... you are absolutely right

I know I am.

Talk to them, set the rules but don’t rehearse it, it will come all wrong.

@lessnoisepls AIBU is absolutely the wrong forum for this, because most of the classic uk-style-suburbans here cannot conceive of having someone round for an extended cuppa, let alone as house guests with their family. I get your posts when you say how really you love having them here, and that they are great company - their very noisiness is a reflection of how at ease they are, and that is a great thing with friends - indeed this is how great friendships are built. I absolutely open my home to those in need, and if it doesn't cost me anything, I wouldn't charge either. It's nice to help others, and to have community, and to share your living space. It's lively! Downside: it can be a bit hectic too.

The majority of people here will only see them as freeloaders (and worse) because they don't understand that style of generosity and community, and they cannot conceive of what kind of family might have to travel halfway around the world for seasonal work (hint: they don't get salaries in a lot of industries, nor the paid-for perks of western contracts!)

I would try and find a time to pull one or both of them aside, and I would broach it like, darling, the noise is a bit much in the morning, can we tone it down a bit, especially on the weekend?
If she is too sensitive for this, that might stain your friendly relationship, but most people can handle a little request for quiet.
Good luck, don't kick em to the kerb just cause AIBU doesn't get it! Just be warm and friendly and ask them to meet you half way.