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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

337 replies

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:30

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

OP posts:
regmover · 10/05/2019 09:56

What's the pussy footing around for. Just tell them - can you keep the noise down please before x time, my alarm goes off then and I'd rather not be woken up earlier.
Others above are right - you are being taken for a ride and I hope to goodness you at least get enough money out of them to cover extra heating etc and food.

If they carry on waking you up early you need to put you brave pants on and ask them to find somewhere else to stay. If she's doing this as part of her regular work she's getting expenses and pocketing them. And will have made quite a tidy profit over this and previous visits.

PuppyMonkey · 10/05/2019 09:56

To sort the immediate problem, can you get ear plugs? Or even better, lock them out of the house and leave a note on door saying you’ve got a sickness bug, they’d better eat elsewhere this weekend? Grin

Then, for the long term 4 month stay debacle, tell them the sickness bug has got worse and is very contagious and they’ll have to move out for their own safety.

Sensitive my arse.

Original poster
lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:57

I guess I just get the guilt of asking two quite probably sleep deprived parents to keep the noise down so that I can sleep

OP posts:
Yabbers · 10/05/2019 09:58

as they tend to stand chatting loudly outside his office when he's on conference calls, other than that he doesn't see the issue with it.

Husband doesn't see an issue with it, except when it bothers him? Then it's ok to raise it, yes?

I have a tendency to be over annoyed

Do you? Or does your husband have a tendency to belittle your feelings of annoyance because he doesn't see it as a problem?

Guests turning up unannounced, telling you they are staying for four months then screaming in the early morning is not something you should reasonably be expected to be ok with.

thelastgoldeneagle · 10/05/2019 09:59

I guess I just get the guilt of asking two quite probably sleep deprived parents to keep the noise down so that I can sleep

Really, op? Hmm

They are their kids! They decided to have the kids, so they can look after them - quietly. They're already in your house, for 4 months, being housed and fed by you. You owe them nothing.

Yabbers · 10/05/2019 10:00

I guess I just get the guilt of asking two quite probably sleep deprived parents to keep the noise down so that I can sleep

They are sleep deprived because they get up and scream with their kids when their kids get up. That's hardly your fault.

choli · 10/05/2019 10:00

What doe she do that she has to come halfway round the world to do it, yet doesn't earn much and her work wouldn't pay for accommodation??
At a guess, home schooling lifestyle bloggers. Look how we traveled the world on no money by sponging off friends

EggAndButter · 10/05/2019 10:00

Ok one step at the time.

Yu agreed for them to stay and seems happy enough for them to so IF they can keep the noise down.

You need to have a chat with them (Both!).
Start by telling them how happy you are that they are there (if you truly are only!!) and that you appreciate their help/how tidy they are/whatever they are doing that is showing they are nice, careful guests.
Then, remind them that actually walls are quite thin and you can hear EVERYTHING in the am.
Tell them that next weekend you are going out and are looking forward to a lie in (due to sore head etc..). Ask then if they couod kindly be careful Not to make any noise until (what 9.00~10.00am?) due to said thin walls. Because you will need more sleep.

Maybe check with them if they couod maybe have a parents preparing b’fast in the kitchen and then they all eat in their ‘space’ etc...

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 10/05/2019 10:01

If someone was kind enough to house my family for four months rent free, you can guarantee I’d be making sure my kids were on their best behaviour, I’d be keeping the place spotless and trying to make life as easy for my host as possible.

She doesn’t give a shit about putting you out, so why are you trying to be sensitive to her feelings?

Original poster
lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 10:02

*Do you? Or does your husband have a tendency to belittle your feelings of annoyance because he doesn't see it as a problem?

Guests turning up unannounced, telling you they are staying for four months then screaming in the early morning is not something you should reasonably be expected to be ok with*

Yeah, the thing is I guess I know it's all unreasonable.
The difference between me and my partner is he doesn't like drama, or falling out with people, so does have a tendency to be taken advantage of.
Whereas I will normally get annoyed and speak my mind, and offend or fall out with people.
Looking back over the years, I think there's been a few times where I could have just kept my mouth shut, or have said things in a better way and not lost friendships.
I don't want my irrational anger to cost me any more friendships however this might not be one that I should be bothered about saving!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 10/05/2019 10:02

How long have they been at your house for so far?

I think it’s really cf to expect you to house them without asking. She will be getting expenses or have the possibility of expenses or being paid a considerable amount and enough to cover her living costs. Perhaps not theirs. But that is not your concern.

Original poster
lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 10:03

Ear plugs are a good shout

OP posts:
regmover · 10/05/2019 10:03

"Start by telling them how happy you are that they are there (if you truly are only!!) and that you appreciate their help/how tidy they are/whatever they are doing that is showing they are nice, careful guests.
Then, remind them that actually walls are quite thin and you can hear EVERYTHING in the am.
Tell them that next weekend you are going out and are looking forward to a lie in (due to sore head etc..). Ask then if they couod kindly be careful Not to make any noise until (what 9.00~10.00am?) due to said thin walls. Because you will need more sleep.

Maybe check with them if they couod maybe have a parents preparing b’fast in the kitchen and then they all eat in their ‘space’ etc..."

Aaargh! Just say "Can you keep the noise down in the mornings before 8 please, you're waking me up every day with the screaming. Thanks."

All this agonising over sleep deprived parents - honestly Op, are you for real?

Drum2018 · 10/05/2019 10:03

Your a doormat. Feel you can't say no to a family moving in simply because you have space? Guilty for asking them to keep their bloody kids quiet in the morning so you can sleep? What is wrong with you? It's your home, you get to set rules and tell people how long they stay, not them. Are they paying rent, paying towards bills? I'd sit them down and tell them while you were happy to put them up for a month or so, it's time they looked for their own place now. Don't be so accommodating as these CF friends are just taking the piss.

regmover · 10/05/2019 10:04

In fact, the first morning I got woken up by screaming I'd have been downstairs in my pj's making making it transparently clear that they'd woken me up and I wasn't happy.

ImpracticalCape · 10/05/2019 10:05

4 months? FOUR? And turning up unannounced? Who the HELL DOES THIS? OP this is madness!!

Do the children not go to school?

Orangecake123 · 10/05/2019 10:07

4 months!! Shock

OP this is taking the piss. You weren't even asked if it was okay and turning up at the last minute is rude. A few days I could put up but even then not without leaving date.

Just tell them it's not working out. Are they paying you anything at all?

cees · 10/05/2019 10:08

Ah come on, your having a laugh surely. Who in their right mind would just go along with a whole family turning up for a 4 month stay with no notice. Really you and your husband need some back bone.

Not even family would be this cheeky and you are lething them treat your home like a hotel they don't pay for. Wake up op, they are ripping the possibility outta you.

Bodear · 10/05/2019 10:09

OP this can’t be real.

Gatoadigrado · 10/05/2019 10:11

So... it’s a job where she has to come half way across the world at short notice, for varying periods of time. She doesn’t earn enough to pay for accommodation but presumably earns enough to pay for her husband and kids to come too. Do they fly to the U.K.? Are they British? How does it work with visas if that’s applicable? Can they rent out their home in the country they live in while they’re all away?

Sorry but we have to know what job this woman does! It seems bizarre

(They sound like cheeky fuckers btw)

Orangecake123 · 10/05/2019 10:11

It's time to put your needs and yourself first. That's the best lesson my therapist taught me.

The book the subtle art of not giving a F*ck also helped!

autumndreaming · 10/05/2019 10:13

This is absolute madness I can't imagine anything worse!! I can't believe they stay for FOUR MONTHS? I can barely stand having guests overnight it stresses me out so much.

It's not your responsibility what they can and can't afford in terms of accommodation, don't feel like you have to do this. It sounds like my worst nightmare

Serialweightwatcher · 10/05/2019 10:14

Can you buy a mini fridge, kettle, toaster and microwave for annex and ask them if they wouldn't mind sorting themselves out in there until say lunchtime - you're putting yourself out constantly - if they are such good friends, can't they be asked nicely anyway?

PunishmentSnart · 10/05/2019 10:14

This is so weird. People turning up unannounced for 4 months just because you have space?! Madness!!

AdoreTheBeach · 10/05/2019 10:14

If they’re coming in first thing in the morning because the kids are up, I’m thinking it’s to give them something to eat, watch tv and for them to have coffee/tea. If that’s the case, what about a tv in their room and set up something similar to a hotel (which is how they’re treating this). Mini-fridge, toaster, tea kettle, tea/coffee. Of course they should supply their food for breakfast, tea/coffee. The items could be appreciated by any guests staying with you in future too.

Just simply tell your friend you love having them, but for early mornings could they please use their guest space to allow you to sleep in. Additionally, ask them if they could please take the children to another part of the house or their guest space during your husband’s conf calls. They’ll need to know when that is.

You’re very generous friend. Guests for months!!