To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

[lessnoisepls]

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

Don't give explanations nor excuses, they aren't necessary, just tell them what you need them to do with please and thank you.

You have a few options op.

Grow a major backbone. Tell them this is excessive and untenable going forward. You will not finance other people’s lifestyle, they need to make other arrangements within x days.

Stick up for yourself. These are the house rules, if they don’t like them they are free to leave immediately. Print them out and laminate them. Actually list that shit out, curfews, noise control, cleaning rota etc etc. This is all more than reasonable.

Continue to be a mug. Are you wealthy? You’ve already given them a couple of grand of your family money, why not kit out their hotel room with some facilities that mean they don’t even need to leave their room in the morning! Under counter fridge, microwave etc. Pillow menu??

When the screaming wakes you, can you rush into the kitchen in fake horror acting as if you are rescuing them?

Explain that you thought they must have been under attack because of all the loud screaming!

Op - yes, I think you're being too nice and can afford to be a little bit "assertive". If something upsets you a lot there is no harm in letting that leak out a bit. Like at 6 am the next time they are screaming in the bloody kitchen. I'd be down there in my slippers looking like death saying - can you lot please go back in the annexe and let me sleep at least until 8? I'm bloody knackered, I can't keep getting woken up like this every morning.

@WorkingItOutAsIGo
this is really helpful, and the sort of thing I was hoping to get.
I just need to word myself in a non emotional way non personal way.
This is great, thank you.

I guess I just get the guilt of asking two quite probably sleep deprived parents to keep the noise down so that I can sleep

This honestly betrays how long you’ve been on Mumsnet!

This is your home. Not theirs. They are their children, not yours. You are massively overthinking your responsibility to them as your guests and massively underplaying their responsibility to you.

I think you need to have a serious sit down chat with them. They’re treating your home like a free extended holiday.

You are half way through. Ground rules should have been established years ago. Sounds as if there was never a conversation about this arrangement which has resulted in this family taking you completely for granted OP. Before they leave I suggest you a) dicuss with your husband how you both feel about them staying in future and what ground rules you each need in place such as amount of notice, length of stay, noise and then b) tell the family the new way forward.

Sod that,I couldn't have someone staying for 4 hours never mind 4 months!

And I bet you are guilty of being passive aggressive around them because you are seething inside

I’ve messaged you lessnoispls

If they're such lovely people they should take it on the chin. Just come out with it. Ask that they're quiet maybe before a certain time?

OP, why are you being a mug? It doesn't matter if you have room -- no one in the wide world agrees to take in a family of four for four months at little or no notice, and for free. These people are responsible for their own domestic arrangements and finances. DH and I have both given up working away for long periods since we had DS, even though we've taken a huge financial hit for it.

You are doing them an incredible favour, which they don't appear to appreciate. Sit them down and say civilly but firmly that, if this situation is to continue without friction, they need to keep the children quiet and in their own annexe until whatever hour you decide on. Otherwise they will need to make other arrangements.

And then don't do this again. And work on your boundaries.

The reason you blow up in anger is because you allow yourself to be taken advantage of for long periods and simmer, possibly unconsciously, with resentment, until it blows up. If you have proper boundaries, respect your own needs, and stop being more worried about what your 'nonconfrontational' partner and the visiting friends want than what you want, you will be happier and less given to blow-ups.

I don't want my irrational anger to cost me any more friendships however this might not be one that I should be bothered about saving!

This wouldn't be irrational anger.

As a matter of interest, what was your friend's Plan B if you had said no to this visit?

I really, really struggle to get my head round the notion that you think it's OK to offer them free accommodation for 4 months at no notice. It must be costing you a lot of money in electricity, gas, cleaning, washing, other bills, and general wear and tear. Did they tell you it was going to be 4 months when you said yes? Can you invent a reason why you need them out sooner, e.g. urgent work on the house?

You don't need 'a good reason' to say no to having your home taken over for four months. The fact that you have the space to accommodate them is irrelevant-you did not set out to run a hotel. I'm sure there is plenty of space in Windsor Castle but I would not just turn up there with my entire family expecting to be housed and fed!

Ground rules should have been established years ago. Sounds as if there was never a conversation about this arrangement which has resulted in this family taking you completely for granted OP. Before they leave I suggest you a) dicuss with your husband how you both feel about them staying in future and what ground rules you each need in place such as amount of notice, length of stay, noise and then b) tell the family the new way forward.

And this. ^

If they are good enough friends to descend on you they are good enough friends for you to say "mate, you need to keep it down a little in the mornings. We love having you, and you know I adore your kids but I'd rather not be woken by them early doors."

I am wondering if your tendancy to go over board and rude is because you bite your lip toomuch to start with and bottling it up leads to you exploding in the end - hence friendships lost. I wonder if you had a gentle chat as soon as something bacame an issue, you would be able to manage it more in a gentle way.

A suggestion for the current situation. Write down some ground rules on a piece of paper and stick it to the fridge. Tell friends that you are starting to find 4 extra people in your space quite overwhelming and you would like to out some house rules in place for going forward.

No children in the house before 8am
All stuff gets cleaned up at the end of every day
All visits have to be approved at least a month before arrival
Any visits with the whole family are a max duration of 2 weeks
X Money needs to be contributed to the house running expenses per guest per day
Etc

Anyone who is kind and considerate would be very happy to have the conversation and agree to the house rules

Yikes - that's quite the commitment to helping people out!

I'd knock the no notice, for whatever period of time they fancy, stuff on the head at the end of this visit. Tell them you need 6 weeks notice of extended stays, and that as much as you love them, they can't assume they can stay at yours for extended periods of time and they need to look at other options as well. I'd probably say that I was looking at renting the annex out.

As for the noise, just ask them to keep it down til whatever time you want so you're not disturbed. They are their kids, not yours. If they take offense so bloody be it - as a bare minimum they can be considerate in the mornings as they are getting free lodgings for 4 months! If that creates an atmosphere then that's on them.

The risk is you'll blow your top over something minor as the major stuff isn't being dealt with.

OP
I know what you are saying about finding the middle ground.

I think you need to practice it before you talk to them. I say it out loud and use a mirror sometimes

You need neutral sentences that are reasonable but clear and calm.

Something like
“We really enjoy having you here but I have to be honest there’s a noise and tidiness problem.
While it’s part and parcel of kids / lots of people in the house we have to find a way to manage it.
we want you to be comfortable here, but Sleep is really important to us so we need quiet in the house until 9/10/whenever. at the moment we are being woken every day at x o’clock so you either need to stay in the guest house or take the kids out before that time.

While DH doesn’t like to make a fuss the reality is the noise is also causing problems on his conf calls. So going forward you/your noisy husband and the kids need to stay away from the side of the house where my husbands office from 9-5.

At the moment I come home to mess, which I’m finding stressful as it’s extra work for me and I have to clear up so I can relax. I need you make sure you keep communal areas tidy/leave them as you find them so we can all enjoy the space.

I think you need to tell them the night before to please keep it down until X time because you will not want to be woken up by them. Say something about not minding too much on the other days, but for them to make sure to keep it quiet on those days.

In any case, I'd probably keep mention how early they wake up and that you noticed from the noise they make. Add that your family has a later wake up time and that you like to sleep longer than them...

If they can't take the hint then, then I'd reconsider having them around.

I think I’d suggest having a grown up chat at a suitable time, ideally when the children are in bed. Ask how the job is going, then bring it around to being the half way point of a long guest visit and just say it’s worth reviewing things. You enjoy their company, but for the purpose of harmony you’d appreciate kitchen curfew/noise consideration between these hours. I’d also suggest that communal spaces should be cleared up as and when they’ve been used as a priority, you’re sure they can understand etc.

Can't they have breakfast in their room and kids watch tv/ipad do drawing, play quiet games. Lock door to main accommodation or kitchen till you are up. Don't be shy, just be direct, use few words. 4 months is too long. Fish and visitors....

You know the saying "pick your battles" - this is definitely a battle to choose!

Boil the kettle, make a cuppa and say "right guys we need a chat, it's lovely to see you all, it really is and we probably should have set ground rules a long time ago but we're half way through your visit and there are a few issues we need to chat about. Firstly, the noise, I know kids will loud but I really need you to keep it down, in the mornings with the kids but for you also, just try bare in mind we aren't used to four extra people in the house and the noise that comes with them, we'd appreciate if you were more mindful of the noise. Secondly, the mess! Can you try help out a bit more, four more people makes four times more mess, I am struggling to keep on top of it. Otherwise, as always, it's lovely to see you and lovely to be able to put you up but four is a lot so we will definitely need more notice next time and to be honest four months with four people is just too much for us. We love you and that's why I am saying this now before tension effects our relationship"

If they have a problem with that FUCK THEM , let's be clear, these people are tight arsed cheeky fucking cocklodging fuckers who have cleverly disguised themselves as friends and convinced you they are too nice and too sensitive to say anything to, they are actors, users if they fall out with you then you are better off knowing

Read up on assertiveness. Have a house meetin every fortnight

I think the pp who suggested a mini kitchen in the annex has got the solution.

They can then sort breakfast and stay in their own area until you are ready for company. Having a family of four is much different to previous visits when your friend has come alone. I would be honest and tell her you are struggling with the noise and mess.