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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

436 replies

TLBftm · 09/05/2019 19:16

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

OP posts:

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 19:19

What did you discuss before the child was born? Surely you did discuss it?

I wouldn't be happy having this sprung on me at all.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/05/2019 19:20

Yes, YABU.

Maybe he would like the time off or to work just a few days but can't.

He doesn't have to be the sole or main earner and is right to say if he is unhappy to be put in that position. He doesn't have to step up financially just because you want to opt out.

He should, of course, be doing his share in the house when both of you are in full time work though.

Hollowvictory · 09/05/2019 19:21

How much does he earn? Have you actually done a budget of your expenses and income if you didn't go back.

GMtoBe · 09/05/2019 19:22

Ideally all the money coming into your house would be treated as family money. You'd pay the bills out of it and split the remainder.
That aside, you having longer off work than you originally said needs to be a joint decision as a family. If he is uncomfortable with it then it would be unfair to force the issue. YANBU to want more time with your baby but he is NBU to an extent.

Dyrne · 09/05/2019 19:23

Completely unreasonable springing this on your DP. Why on earth wouldn’t you discuss this sort of thing before you decided to have a baby? Or even while pregnant?

SAHP works for many families - IF both parties agree.

What if your DP wanted to spend more time with your (joint) son (not just YOUR son, as you say in the OP!)? Or do his wishes not count?

I’d be massively stressed out if DP just randomly decided to cut down his work hours and expected me to pick up the slack - which is exactly what you’ve done here.

Bayleyf · 09/05/2019 19:23

Can he take shares parental leave? Say, you fine another job after 9 months, and he takes three months paternity leave?

MissBPotter · 09/05/2019 19:24

Why are you thinking of going over time or quitting job (I can’t work out which) if you’re not married? Seems to be problems communicating if doing it over text.

Sirzy · 09/05/2019 19:25

This should have all been discussed at the point of you (jointly I hope?) deciding not to go back to your job.

But it is unreasonable to just decide something so big without discussing it and sitting down and properly looking at the figures.

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 19:26

I didn't realise only married folk could go part time

Morgan12 · 09/05/2019 19:26

I don't think you are BU at all. I never returned to work after my first child. Now six years later and have two children. When youngest is in nursery I will. My DH has never even mentioned it tbh. It's the family money. We have done what was best for our family.

Does your DP want you to return full time and pay for childcare?

Cynara · 09/05/2019 19:26

If this wasn't discussed and agreed either during your pregnancy or in the early part of your maternity leave, then to be honest I think that your expectations of him are cheeky as fuck. Why are you expecting him to be fine about being made to be the sole wage earner? There's no way I'd agree to that without prior negotiation and I don't blame him for being reluctant. Would you be happy for him to ask you to go back to work full time and pay for everything so he could reduce his hours or quit?

Loopytiles · 09/05/2019 19:27

You’re not married? Unwise not to work FT, even more unwise to SAH, too much personal financial risk.

ControversialFerret · 09/05/2019 19:27

You can't just spring this as a fait accompli. Didn't you discuss what was going to happen after mat leave when you found out you were pregnant?

In practical terms if you go back to work FT then you need FT childcare as a joint expense and he needs to understand that 50% of the household responsibilities are his. If he's not keen on that then perhaps being a SAHM might be a good option but it's vital he understands that his money becomes family money, because you are staying at home to cover the costs you both would otherwise incur for childcare.

RandomMess · 09/05/2019 19:27

If you do go back to work he'll have to pay his share of the childcare costs and pick up 50% of house and child duties... perhaps start writing down what his share would be so he can make an informed decision.

geekone · 09/05/2019 19:27

Wow YABVU and I actually think this is a reverse.

However

This should have been discussed before you were even pregnant.

If he doesn’t want to be the only bread winner and that has been the norm for you in your whole relationship, then he doesn’t have to be.

How would you feel if he decided that he would take the last 3 months off on paternity so your DC could be with a parent until he was one and then he changes to 4 days a week and you 4 days a week?

My DH and I always knew our plan was for me to drop a day.

Also YABU saying you sacrificed a lot to have your son. You only stopped what you wanted that’s not a sacrifice that’s a choice.

ControversialFerret · 09/05/2019 19:27

But as PP have said I would not be a SAHM without being married.

TinyMarie · 09/05/2019 19:27

We have this arrangement but we sat and discussed it before having DD.
It also leaves you very financially vulnerable if you're not married.

HBStowe · 09/05/2019 19:29

I think it places quite a lot of pressure on him to be the sole earner. Does he want to take any paternity leave / is this an option for him? If so, it might be a good compromise.

Ultimately it’s not really fair to expect him to step up financially when that is a joint responsibility, but a sensible conversation is definitely the way forward for you both. There is likely a compromise to be found that you are both happy with.

Justlikedevon · 09/05/2019 19:30

Yes, I think you are BU. If my then husband had decided unilaterally he wanted to go part time and me to fund him staying at home I would have told him to do one. If it had been a joint decision, that's a bit different, but it sounds like you are deciding this and being a bit surprised your dp isn't on board.

NCforthis2019 · 09/05/2019 19:30

of course yabu. So because you want to stay home and then go part time he has to fund you? WhAt happened to a shared marriage? If he wants to go part time - have you even asked him? I think this should have been discussed ages ago. It’s very unfair to spring this on him now - and pretty mean.

Popc0rn · 09/05/2019 19:30

Have you looked at how much childcare will cost? Might not be much difference if you do have some time off.

YABU to leave it so late to have the money talk, but so is he tbf. Having a serious sit down about finances when you found out you were expecting would of been a good idea, I find it very odd neither of you brought it up. Have you been together long? How did you work out your joint finances before the baby?

Dyrne · 09/05/2019 19:31

I can’t believe you don’t think this is completely out of order, OP.

It’s one thing sitting down and working out finances, childcare/housework expectations, and (both!) personal preferences; and making a joint decision on what to do; it’s quite another just arbitrarily doing what YOU fancy and expecting your DP to pick up the slack.

GMtoBe · 09/05/2019 19:32

I didn't clock that you aren't married. In that case YABVU to consider this at all. You are putting your financial security at risk.

crispysausagerolls · 09/05/2019 19:34

I am a SAHM and I think YABVU. Completely unfair to spring this on your partner, he clearly is not alright with it and it will breed resentment if you try to force it.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 09/05/2019 19:34

Yes YABU, majority of Mums/dad don’t want to be going back to work when the baby is young, however they have no option.

Yabu to think your DP will make all the payments while you have a year of to fund a lifestyle he doesn’t want.

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