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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

436 replies

TLBftm · 09/05/2019 19:16

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

OP posts:
desparate4sleep · 09/05/2019 19:35

I am in a similar position. When pregnant we agreed I would take 6 months and go back FT but now baby is here neither of us want her in childcare FT so have agreed I will be part time. I think if your partner doesn't agree then you have to go back FT. Does he realise he will be paying for half of childcare costs too?

Singlenotsingle · 09/05/2019 19:35

Could you not take the 9months paid matleave, then go back to work? Although childcare can cost a fortune unless you've got parents who can help out.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 19:35

No YANBU.
Find out how much a nursery costs full time and tell him if you don't have a year off he has to pay at least half the nursery costs and other costs of having a child. This will cost much more than he expects.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 19:37

HaudYerWheesh This is not about funding a "lifestyle", but about looking after a baby. Few mums who don't have to would be happy to have a tiny baby in full-time childcare.

Sexnotgender · 09/05/2019 19:38

You need to sit down and discuss what works for both of you.
I’m currently on mat leave and DH and I have discussed all the permutations.
It’s not JUST your son as you seem to think.

Purpleartichoke · 09/05/2019 19:38

If you are partners, then you need to decide together how money is going to come into the household and how you are going to care for your child. It is not uncommon to re-evaluate once the child is actually born and you understand the reality of parenthood.

He is only able to work because you are caring for his child right now. So any money he is earning should absolutely be family money.

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 19:38

Find out how much a nursery costs full time and tell him if you don't have a year off he has to pay at least half the nursery costs and other costs of having a child. This will cost much more than he expects.

You surely mean sit down together and work out what the costs would be, rather than coming with this attitude and ultimatum?

Pinkyyy · 09/05/2019 19:40

I agree with others that it is completely unfair to spring that on anyone. How have you left it so long to discuss this if you knew all along you wouldn't be going back? I think you're being extremely selfish.

Sexnotgender · 09/05/2019 19:40

Find out how much a nursery costs full time and tell him if you don't have a year off he has to pay at least half the nursery costs and other costs of having a child. This will cost much more than he expects.

How weirdly confrontational Confused

3dogs2cats · 09/05/2019 19:41

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

Dyrne · 09/05/2019 19:42

He is only able to work because you are caring for his child right now. So any money he is earning should absolutely be family money.

So if your DH announced to you that he was giving up work to look after the children and graciously “allow” you to work full time, that’d be fine then?

SherlockSays · 09/05/2019 19:44

Of course YABU Hmm. What if he would like some time with your baby, what if he wants to go part time?

I returned to work last week after 9 months (which was more than enough for me) and have dropped 1 day per week, so I work 30 hours, however, it's still a 30k+ salary.

DH obviously earns more than me but I certainly don't expect him to foot the bill for my reduction. We split bills proportionate to our income and he'll pick up extras such as meals/days out. He certainly doesn't pay for our entire lives and I wouldn't have ever expected him to. There's no real difference to before.

Did you not discuss all this before you got pregnant?

flowery · 09/05/2019 19:45

As a family you are going to be shorter of money, either because one or both of you stops/reduces work and/or because there is suddenly a childcare bill. It’s just a case of working out which arrangement suits both of you. And discussing this after baby has been born is utterly bonkers.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 09/05/2019 19:45

Completely unfair to just announce it, also he might want to reduce his to spend time with a child who is also his. I'm going back on consolidated hours , full time over 4 days DH has been approved for the same but on different days, so we both get a whole day looking after our son, the weekend off together and only the three days in the middle to cover for childcare, but earning two full time salaries. DH misses DS when he's at work especially when he finishes late and didn't see him from one morning to the next. A child has two parebts, your partner's orbits does not make him obviated to financially support you and forego time with his child.

Youngandfree · 09/05/2019 19:45

We had that arrangement but we discussed it before having children. I then went back to work once the youngest of our two DC was 2.5. I really think you need to go through “your” budget to see if you can actually afford it. And then go from there, it sounds like you are talking AT him rather than WITH him to be honest OP!

Snog · 09/05/2019 19:45

I went back to work 23 hours a week when dd was 6 months old. I would have loved to have a year off but we couldn't afford it. I was happy that we were able to afford for me to be part time.

Work out your budget OP with DH and see what you can afford.

unfortunateevents · 09/05/2019 19:46

The time to have this conversation was before you conceived this baby.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 09/05/2019 19:46

*A child has two parents, your partner's penis does not make him obligated to financially support you and forego time with his child.

janeoho · 09/05/2019 19:47

Looking back, you should have spoken above finances before the baby was born or planned.

I manage the money in our house and everything is in joint names and wages go into a joint bank. So at the end of the day, if there is a shortfall or surplus each month, we are both responsible for it. I will be going back to work in a few months after maternity leave but it was up to me to figure out how long I could stretch mat leave by saving up whilst pregnant to cover any shortfalls.

I hope he can understand that it is temporary and the baby will be 1 before he knows it! Whilst you are looking after the baby and doing brunt of the work at home, he should not complain about providing for his family.

GreytExpectations · 09/05/2019 19:48

Op, you post keeps mentioning "my Ds" and "us" in regards to you and your ds. I assume that your DP is the childs father? I ask because your post comes across very much as a US vs. Your DP.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 09/05/2019 19:49

And what if he wanted to go part time. Or doesnt want to be the one financially responsible for the whole family?

Being a sahp is a joint decision.

PunkRockHippy · 09/05/2019 19:49

“I have a 9mo” “my child” “my DS”..... you realise that you’re not the only parent here - he’s your partner’s child as well. You don’t sound like a partnership at all.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 19:50

Fucks sake I can't believe the other replies here. Childcare costs, whether it is a nursery or a partner providing it. Of course he has to pay for it.
And seriously it is better for a 8 month old baby to be with a parent than in full time nursery. He should care about his baby.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 09/05/2019 19:50

YABVU. Less so about the year off, but certainly about going back part-time. If you're so concerned about the baby being in childcare five days a week, maybe both of you could work a four-day week so your son has two days at home. You are not more deserving of a lesser work schedule than your partner.

yearinyearout · 09/05/2019 19:51

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but it does have to be a joint decision. Ideally it should've been discussed before you got pregnant.
If he wants you to go to work full time, then he needs to be fully aware that he will be expected to take equal responsibility for everything else in the household, cleaning/cooking/childcare etc.
It may be that he thinks he can have his cake and eat it in the sense that you'll go back to work but still do the majority of the domestics, so make sure he knows that won't be happening.
When we had our dc, we made a decision based on our earning power and our preferences, I wanted to look after my own children and he was happy to provide for us all financially if it meant he didn't have to cook and clean. An old fashioned approach, but it worked fine for us. Even now the dc have upped and left, he contributes more financially (and less domestically!)