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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

436 replies

TLBftm · 09/05/2019 19:16

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

OP posts:
bamboofibre · 09/05/2019 20:14

Absolutely foolish to give up earning and income to become financially dependent on an unmarried partner unless you are independently wealthy.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 09/05/2019 20:14

Posters seem to think that feminism means taking on the entire burden of housework, the entire burden of child-rearing and half the burden of bringing in the income

Nope no one has said that. I have always worked and exh pitched in equally at home. Not because I said so, because thats what he did.

My dp works less hours than me so naturally picks up more work at home.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/05/2019 20:14

Purpleartichoke

He is only able to work because you are caring for his child right now.

fucked up feminism 101, so much for being equal partners.

So any money he is earning should absolutely be family money.

I agree and the same with the OP's

crispysausagerolls · 09/05/2019 20:14

’ve figured out some figures today so go over with him and we are basically no better or worse off if I were to go back after 9 month and pay childcare! So really, the money he has for himself would pretty much just be the same. That said, if you are going to be the same money wise, wouldn’t you rather a parent looked after the child rather than a stranger?!

This makes it a very sensible idea to present to your DP then. My concern now would be that you are not married and how things would proceed financially moving forward if he left. But that’s not your question so 🤷🏻‍♀️ If I were you I would also stay home in this scenario.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 20:14

And yes you should OP have an equal amount of money to spend on things just for you as your DP does.

I know not all families can afford to have a parent staying at home, but 9 months old is very young to go into full time nursery.
Don't make the mistake of going back part-time and still trying to pay "your share" of all costs. Because that will not acknowledge the cost of the childcare you are providing.

But personally I would never want to be with someone who treats money in this way. With my DP all money is family money. Sometimes I have earned more money than him, but often less. I earned no money for a year and part time for quite a few years. All money is ours and we both have money to spend on ourselves, or when we were skint, neither of us had money to spend on ourselves beyond necessities. Living with a man who still sees his wage as his money, is a recipe for disaster.

AlexaShutUp · 09/05/2019 20:14

He needs to step up and provide for his family no?

Yes, and so do you. Earning a living is no more his responsibility than it is yours. Just as housework and childcare are no more your responsibility than his. If you mutually agree to split those tasks between you in a particular way, that's your choice, but neither of you should be making any assumptions.

How would you feel if he decided that he wanted a year off with your baby and then to reduce his hours to part time, and expected you to work full time in order to pay for this? I have to be honest, if my DH said that he wanted to do this, I'd be telling him where to go in no uncertain terms!

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 20:15

Op I really do not think this thread will help you at all. I do think it has been invaded by anti feminists, probably from an incel forum elsewhere where they post about threads and goad each other to post on them.

I've been on mumsnet for ten years so try again. I know 'incel' is the new 'troll, to be used to silence someone when they're disagreeing with you but people can see past it. Incels really wouldn't be arsed coming on here, they're too self absorbed discussing their woes on /braincels

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 09/05/2019 20:15

Oh and giving up your career is often a bad idea, it's a gamble. If you arent married its downright risky.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2019 20:16

Your wages aren’t nursery fees,baby has 2 parents.both need to pay fees,not just you

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 20:16

OP I am worried about your future. I hope he will step up and change, but I suspect you will be left literally holding the baby.

EssentialHummus · 09/05/2019 20:16

What everyone else said. I SAH with DD, but this was planned - to the (extreme) extent of taking a high-paying job I hated before having her, to allow me to invest some money for this period. DH works conventionally.

You both need to sit down, agree to research realistic costs for childcare, assess your outgoings, think about your (both) career goals and longer-term plans, plans for another child if soon, and then work something out.

Passthecherrycoke · 09/05/2019 20:16

“The reason OP wants tp stay at home with the baby is obvious. Putting a 9 month old in full-time nursery is not in their best interests. And the baby matters most.

Op I really do not think this thread will help you at all. I do think it has been invaded by anti feminists, probably from an incel forum elsewhere where they post about threads and goad each other to post on them.
These men want women to work full-time, put babies in full-time care, still do all the housework, and drop offs and pick ups, take time off for any sickness, and not pay a fair amount out of "their" wages.
You will sadly not get good advice here. You are only going to get a lot of woman haters telling you you need to go back to work full-time, and still do everything in the house”

This is a completely bizarre post. How can anything you describe be anti feminist? Why would anyone take on FT work plus all the pick ups and drop offs? Who is even suggesting that’s the case? I think you’re projecting a lot here Claire, because the above post is just fiction

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 20:17

Alexashutup OPs DP seems to have decided by himself that OP should do all the housework though?

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 20:17

It may actually be the best thing financially, but the attitude to just spring this on someone and assume he should automatically be pleased to 'be the provider' is ridiculous.

Tinyteatime · 09/05/2019 20:18

I don’t think you ABU but it should have been discussed before hand.mit seems you came at parenthood with very different ideas so there will probably have to be some compromise.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2019 20:18

My kids all went in nursery FT at 6mth.ive maintained my career
Op would be really foolish to give up work to be reliant on a man

HeckyPeck · 09/05/2019 20:18

I’ve figured out some figures today so go over with him and we are basically no better or worse off if I were to go back after 9 month and pay childcare! So really, the money he has for himself would pretty much just be the same. That said, if you are going to be the same money wise, wouldn’t you rather a parent looked after the child rather than a stranger?!

Given this, you may as well have the extra 3 months then see if you can go back part time. It sounds like whatever you earn will be eaten up in childcare so there’s no loss to him either way?

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 20:19

passthecherrycoke Has it passed you by all the advice that OP needs to take on equal financial responsibility? Which would mean working full time.
And lets not pretend that the kind of man the OP is describing would step up and do an equal share of housework, pick ups and drops. That is a fiction.

Islandmum83 · 09/05/2019 20:20

I cannot believe what the majority of posts are saying!!!

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to have a baby and then not want it to be in full time childcare!!!

You are a family unit now and the argument I've seen a few post of 'It's not fair you get a year off and he has to keep working.' is ludicrous. Surely this is about what is best for the baby, I know many parents have to put their children in full-time nursery but if it's financially viable not to, then why on Earth would you!?!

Sounds like your DP needs to grow up and do what's best for the family, not just what's 'fair' for him.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2019 20:20

whatever you earn will be eaten up in childcare.
Why aren’t both parents paying fees,prorata to what they earn
He earns more,he pays more.its not a 50-50 split
Her wages aren’t the nursery fees

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 20:21

No don't go back part time unless your DP recognises financially that you are covering childcare that would cost.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 09/05/2019 20:21

And lets not pretend that the kind of man the OP is describing would step up and do an equal share of housework, pick ups and drops. That is a fiction.

Ah you know him then?

AlexaShutUp · 09/05/2019 20:21

OK, just seen that your earning power is much less than his. It's very easy to say that you'd be happy for him to stay at home with DS when you know that there is no realistic prospect of this ever happening. I wonder how you'd feel if it was a genuine option.

I'm in the same position as your DH, I earn a lot more than my husband. No way am I going to sign up to him being a SAHP and diminishing his skills/earning potential even further as a result of not working. That just piles loads more pressure on me.

Having a SAHP only really works when it's a mutual decision, so if he doesn't want that arrangement, you'll have to go back to work. However, he will need share the domestic burden equally and pay his fair share of childcare costs.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 20:22

And I know not all parents have the choice, but I do not think a nursery is the best place full time for a 9 month old baby.

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 20:22

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to have a baby and then not want it to be in full time childcare!!

It absolutely is unreasonable to let your partner believe you were returning to work when you had no intention to.

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