AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

[TLBftm]

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

Childcare aside, if he doesn’t want to support her to run his home, he’s under no obligation to.

Wouldn't want to stay with a man like that. He really would rather the baby was in childcare than at home with the mum who wants to be there, for just a few extra months?

The Op isn't wanting to take 12 months mat leave though. She says she doesn't want to return to her current job but look for another part time role. I do think that makes a difference as there's no fall back. Maybe that's just me, but I wouldn't leave one job without another, unless me and Dp had agreed I was going to stop working and I felt very secure in that decision.

I hope the talk has gone ok @TLBftm. Be careful if you decide to give up work, even if it's short term to 'look' for something else. If your Dp isn't 100% on board and you haven't got a safety net of savings (in your name) etc, then I wouldn't risk it.

OP, I think this thread isn't going to give you what you need for the simple reason that many posters are posting their thoughts with their own partners in mind. Not yours.

Only you know what your relationship with this man is like. I read your first post and thought of it two ways:

1. You both decided to have the baby and even though (for some reason) you think it's fair that you do all the 'wife work', the tacit agreement was that you had just changed your mind and wanted to return to work after a year - and that's what you're asking for.

or

1. You have a very non-committal sort of relationship where you do everything at home, go to work, pay 50:50 and on that basis, your partner likes the set-up. The baby was born and he thought nothing would change. He's not that interested in the 'family unit' to the same degree that you are.

==
I have no idea what your situation really is from your partner's perspective and nor does anybody else here, they're just filling in 'blanks' using their own narratives. Only YOU know how committed your partner is to you and this child.

On that basis, I would make sure that I keep my earnings potential because even married women find themselves 'left with the children'. Do you have the usual safeguards in place so that you're covered, ie. that you have equal share in the home? Life insurances?

To be honest, Whereisallthegoodintheworld's post made me shudder. What she has currently works but she's so vulnerable. I hope her partner continues to 'not mind' and actively continues that set up.

The other thing that makes me shudder is when posters say, you busted a gut/gave your all to 'grow HIS child'. No. No, woman does this. She grows their child. Equal responsibility for that decision to have the child and that decision to look after it.

TLBftm, I hope you will take whatever's useful from this thread but only apply what is relevant to your own situation. Other posters' partners are not yours and, even if everything they say is true, don't be lulled into a false sense of security that it's the same for you.

He sounds from what you say, very selfish. Why, why, why would he sit there and let you do all the household stuff? Why x3 would you even countenance that? You're not equal in his eyes and you've made yourself a housekeeper rather than an equal partner.

Be sure and make sure, that you and your baby will be ok, with or without help, with or without having this man in your lives. Get your 'war chest' equipped. If you never need it then great. If you do then you'll be glad of it.

I read some of your posts OP and you seem to have a very traditional view of a family unit... if you truly think about the 3 of you as a team, this has to extend to responsibilities for parental duties, house work, financial matters. You are equally responsible for all of these things, it’s really unreasonable to expect him, (because he’s male??) to provide for you and your child.
If he felt the same way, and was happy to do that, that’s ok, but the point is he’s already said he’s not. So the right /fair thing to do is try and work out together how you balance the additional costs /work of having a child together. Sahp diesnt necessarily mean sahM these days, how would you feel if he insisted on quitting his job fir the next 3 months then only working 3 days a week thereafter as it’s YOUR job to support him n your kid? 🙄

I have a friend who always pulled her weight work wise and she looks back at her life as being a total disaster and wished she had done things a lot differently.

She had 3 in close succession and was back at work ft within 6 weeks with the help of her dmum and a live in nanny. Both parents had high flying jobs.
Then the dc started nursery, by the time she had 2 in nursery her whole salary was gone and 3 meant it ate into dh’s salary.

Then as they themselves had gone to private school they sent all 3 to a private school which had a boarding facility close which they made full use of as weekly boarders.

As they worked away or sometimes had work to do over a weekend they sometimes had the children in schools at the weekend as well. Holidays were about a couple of weeks on a family holiday and back in holiday clubs with a childminder. Last child is leaving for uni soon and friend is nervous as it looks like she will soon be made redundant.
Not only has she missed her children growing up. She doesn’t have a close relationship with any of them. They are at university and rarely come back in the holidays, usually spending it at their gfs/bfs family.

She knows she will never find another job and if she goes into her pension it won’t be as good because she will be drawing it much earlier and with less in than she thought she would have had if she had worked for 10 more years.

And how does her husband feel, Oliver, is he overwhelmed with guilt that he provided for his family in a way he saw fit? None of issues your mate has are the fault of her working but their choice as a couple to have 3 kids and use the childcare they saw fit. Plenty of SAHPs don't have close relationships with their kids in adulthood, nowt to do with work.

As for 'she will never find another job', for real? NEVER. Another job at all . Why not? Did her head fall off?

@Oliversmummy, that exactly why no one, ever said on their deathbed they wish they’d spent more time at work. Your post makes me really sad, I wonder why your friend even bothered to have a family at all.

I wonder why your friend even bothered to have a family at all.

She didn't have them by herself. They both made the choices they did as parents.

Oliver, what is the point of your anecdote, exactly? Presumably you do realise that most women who continue in their careers simultaneously manage to maintain close and loving relationships with their children? And presumably you realise that some SAHPs regret the decision to stay at home as well?

Many people may end up regretting choices that they have made in life, but there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that WOHPs are more inclined to regret their choices than SAHPs. And there is no evidence to suggest that SAHPs have closer, more stable relationships with their children, no matter how much you might want that to be the case.

So what point exactly were you trying to make?

Oliversmumsarmy yes because that situation is exactly the same as most mums deciding to work a 40 hour week

Why Is she your friend in the first place, as you clearly judge and hate her life choices.

Oliversmummy, that exactly why no one, ever said on their deathbed they wish they’d spent more time at work.

I don't know whether my mum will think this on her deathbed, but what I do know is that she has spent the best part of the last 30 years wishing exactly that. Becoming a SAHP destroyed her mental health and she bitterly regrets giving up her career and wasting her potential.

My mum worked full time from me being 6 months and I went to nursery. Granted she's a teacher so she had the holidays 'off' although I still went to holiday clubs etc so she could get work done and remember going into school to help her do displays etc. I couldn't be closer to my mum, I'd tell her absolutely anything and was that way all through my teens. Dp's mum was a sahm and he gets on well with his family but he's no way near as close as I am to my mum. Maybe in part that's the mum/daughter v mum/son relationship, he's close to his dad too though and he always worked full time.

I know it's not what the Op is asking but I think some comments on the use of nursery for babies and working mums are unfair. A lot of parents don't have a choice and have to work. As a social worker I see a lot of bad parenting choices, putting baby in nursery to go to work isn't one of them.

The OP taking 3 unpaid months and going part time for a while thereafter isn't necessarily going to have a negative impact on household finances. People seem to be forgetting that. I know her framing of the issue and initial posts dont help, but if her working costs are going to be around the same as childcare costs, her DP is effectively going to have to be funding the other bills anyway. However they choose to divvy up who pays what.

Maybe he would rather pay childcare and sees it as just another cost of having children. He doesn't have to finance another adults costs or pick up more of them because they don't want to work much. I'm sure he would Ike to work less but can't as there are costs and responsibilities of being an adult.

@Alexa, then why didn’t your mum go back to work 30 years ago?

I could never have been a SAHP, for a multitude of reasons, but there’s a huge difference between combining working and family life and not seeing your kids at all for the entire week and some weekends.

The Op hasn't updated and didn't say if they'd discussed childcare etc. But there's more to working/sahm to consider than just the cost of childcare. One working parent puts all pressure on them to earn, so for instance we've upped Dp's life/illness covers etc to account for me not earning as much and that's in the short term I'm going back to work. If I didn't return I'd want to still contribute into a pension so that would be an additional cost. Of course working costs too, travel, work clothes etc.

Being on mat leave gives security of a job to return to though and the Op wouldn't have that. Dp assumed I'd take a year off and we prepared accordingly for that. But even though I wouldn't be paid for some of that, I'm employed and have a job to go back to if anything happened. So if Dp lost his job I could go back early and he'd have the kids.

Thing is icecream we don't actually know that OP working less will require him to pick up more costs. The way the tax thresholds work, for some people they'll earn more than the cost of the childcare on their first couple of days but not the 5th.

@Alexa, then why didn’t your mum go back to work 30 years ago?

Initially, she stayed at home because it was the done thing at the time and she had bought into the assumption that it was better for us kids to have a parent at home when we were little. She no longer believes that but I think she was happy enough for the first ten years or so. By the time we started secondary school, she was starting to have regrets about losing her career but she had totally lost confidence after being out of the workplace for so long, and she had a lot of doubt about whether she could do it/guilt about not wanting to stay at home. Subsequently she became very depressed. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to get past those issues and although she did odd jobs here and there, she never managed to get her career back. She is now in her seventies and in many ways, she feels that she has wasted her life. It's very, very sad. It doesn't matter how much the rest of us tell her how we appreciated her being there for us, because she believes that she could have done so much more with her time and her potential. And now, having seen that her grandchildren are positively thriving while both of her daughters have continued to pursue successful and meaningful careers, she believes that the sacrifices that she made were completely pointless. She is genuinely happy for us that we chose a different path, but that happiness is bittersweet.

It was very difficult as a teenager, living with her regret and feeling guilty that we had caused her to be in that situation. I continue to find it difficult to cope with her regrets now, although we are close. I wish that there was more I could say to make her feel better about the situation, but unfortunately, I cannot turn back the clock.

Of course, I realise that many SAHMs will quit work and never look back. Many people will feel completely fulfilled by family life, and perhaps hobbies, friendships, voluntary work or whatever. There will also be many WOHMs who feel completely unfulfilled in their work. There are no easy one-size-fits-all solutions for how to live our lives. It's complicated. However, I do get really irritated by the trite assertion that you so often see on these threads about nobody ever regretting not working. It simply isn't true.

@Alexa, that’s very sad. I wonder if it might help her to know that someone who had a career that many would consider successful also feels she’s completely wasted her time?

I worked in comms roles for more than three decades, latterly at board level and earned good money. I was driven, ambitious and committed. Since I stopped working I’ve realised I actually achieved nothing. Nobody’s life was improved by what I did and I changed nothing. If I could go back and do it all over again, I’d take a very different path. Anyone in a caring role achieves more than I did.

It seems that regrets are something you can have whatever choices you make.

Since I stopped working I’ve realised I actually achieved nothing. Nobody’s life was improved by what I did and I changed nothing.

That would be a very tough realisation. One thing that makes me very grateful to my mum is the fact that her regrets have made me and my sister very mindful of the choices that we make. We have both had very successful careers but we have also both chosen careers in the not-for-profit sector where we are able to feel that we're making a difference. I think that's probably the direct result of my mum's experience tbh...that feeling that you need to make your life count.

It might help my mum to know your story. However, the career that she had before she had children was one where she had opportunities to make very significant differences to people's lives, so I guess that's what she feels she lost. She is a very talented woman, and I am sure that she was good at what she did.

I do agree though that working doesn't inevitably lead to a sense of purpose or fulfilment. I love my job, I love my colleagues and I do feel that we make a genuine difference to people's lives, but as I have become more senior, I have less and less direct contact with the people who we help and I miss that. My actions and my decisions do make a difference, but I feel much further removed and I still want more from life. I guess that, deep down, I still have a fear of ending up like my mum, feeling that I haven't done enough with the time that I've had.

It felt purposeful and fulfilling at the time but in retrospect it was all pretty pointless. I'm not alone by any means in feeling this. There's been enough going on in other areas of my life to compensate. @Alexa, please feel free to share my story with your mum, it might help her to see her choices are no worse than any others she might have made.

I don’t understand why OP came on yesterday to say she had spoken to her partner and would update, but then not update!

Yes how dare she prioritise her real life before updating mn strangers

Oh FFS lipstick no need to be sarcastic I am just curious why update to say she will come and update but then not! There have been a number of threads recently where posters spend time trying to advise and then the OP does not come back.

So what if they don’t come back?its not real life it’s a strangers thread
Don’t get over invested