Hi guys!
Apologies, had a busy few days we were hit with a bug 😷🤮 all is well again and I’ve had chance to read through all advice and posts :) as I said though, we have had a chat and all is well.
I do think a lot of people on here sound harsh and make lots of assumptions. Which is fine, because none of know each other and the amount of info you can get into one thread doesn’t really give the complete overview of your life.
A lot have bashed my DP (and me) but he’s not a bad person at all. Nor am I.
So just going to clear up a few things before getting on to the outcome :)
The few comments about the way we were brought up, how our families must have been etc etc is nonsense :) both our parents have been together since before 20 years of age and are still together now. Never was it ever ‘toxic’ etc etc, and I think maybe we see things a bit different to each other based on our parents.... my mum has 4 children and was a SAHM for years and years, she is now back in her career full time, and is very happy with my dad. DPs mum has 2 DCs and took 6 month off after each then went back to work full time. As I say, maybe we follow on our parents footsteps more than we realise sometimes and perhaps that’s why we saw things so differently.
Me and DP earned the same when we first met. We worked together in the same role! That’s where we met. It was a sales job. (A lot of you will cringe at this....) but, we very quickly rented a house together, travelled to work in the car together, spent our working day sat on desks opposite each other, spent breaks and lunch together then spent he evening together and repeat. A lot used to say they couldn’t do this etc etc but we loved it! And we did it for about a year and half. Then the company turned into a nightmare and we both wanted out. We actually struggled to start with because we were so used to each other’s company all the time. Obvs we saw our own friends etc too but a lot of time was spent together. Anyway, that’s why we did a 50/50 split. We earned the same. And at that time, we did just both chip in and whatever needed doing cooking/cleaning wise, one of us just did it. We both moved into separate jobs, still sales, but I very quickly became unhappy in mine. He enjoyed his and is still there now and has worked his very very high up and earns a fair wack now. As I say, mine.... I hated. Mine was commission based, there was a basic salary but commission made up a lot of it too. Long story short, I ended up on the sick for 2 week with anxiety. I couldn’t cope with pressures of it, I won’t go into it, but it was awful. In that 2 week off, I was looking for something else but I just didn’t know what I wanted to do, everything I thought ‘oh I’d love to do that’ was tough, because I wasn’t qualified. I massively regretted not doing something better at uni etc and getting myself into a good career doing something I loved. But IMO it’s hard to know what to do and what you love at uni age as you’ve not much experience to go from. Anyway, my DP suggested I take the career I wanted. It was his suggestion, and so basically, I had 2 month off work, figuring things out, finding out how I could do what I wanted to do.... in the end, I decided to go for it. I wanted to do dental nursing in a hospital setting. DO helped me pay for the course, paid our bills etc for that 2 month while I got sorted, then I began a course. I worked as a trainee while studying so could soon pay my way again. I qualified and work as a community dental nurse for the NHS and I love my job. I’m so happy I went for it, and the DP you all seem to dislike helped me massively in pushing me to go for what I wanted and helped pay for it all. We both knew from the start I wouldn’t earn near as well as a sales job, but we didn’t care, it’s about being happy at work IMO. Even if that means earning less. When things were back up and running, we just continued the 50/50 split. Looking back, maybe we should have spilt it differently due to earnings... but the convo never came up, I didn’t mind and felt glad to pay half. Don’t get me wrong, if we went out for food or whatever, a lot of the time DP paid as he knew I had a lot less than him. But that all worked for us. He’s not selfish with his money in any way. If I ever turned down something with friends because I was a bit short that month, he would tell me to go and he’ll pay etc... he’s not a bad person. And I’ve never took advantage of that but have always appreciated it.
We aren’t married, and I see your concerns over that, however, we have discussed marriage in the past and I know we would both love to marry, but right now we can’t afford to, and we don’t want to just nip off to the registry office, we want a special day, as most do and most have. While working in the sales job together, we started saving. Cos we were earning a lot. And we were saving to buy a house. That was our plan. It was delayed slightly by having to pay for my course, and then him pay bills for those couple of months, then me having a lower wage, but that was ok, cos happiness comes first for us. We also discussed that once we bought a house we would look to get married, and then have children. Id always known I wanted to get married before children, not really for any particular reason other than that’s what I wanted to do. We finally bought a house 2 years ago... then that year, we booked 3 holidays together. Because we wanted to. And because we had saved for so long, we had BOTH cut back on everything, holidays, nights out etc. So we felt proud we had done it finally and thought we deserved a break. The first holiday we booked, we payed half each. The second holiday was a trip to NYC over my birthday, which he suprised me with and payed for himself. Then 3rd, was a 4 night beach holiday which he saw online and a great price, when we weren’t even looking for another, I had said I don’t think I could afford to do it and so he suggested we book, and I pay whatever I could towards it, and he paid the rest. So that’s what we did. (See he’s not at all a bad guy guys) anyway, because of all the hols... we hadn’t done much with our house, not much needed doing really except the garden, but we wanted our decor and our own stamp on it, so decided that the next year would be focused on doing the house up now we had done all our saving, bought the house, then had some wonderful holidays. This was decided while in NYC and we still had another hol left.... so the ‘doing the house up’ was supposed to be this year. Then we had said after that, we can start thinking about marriage, then babies. However, we then discovered I was pregnant about 4 weeks after NYC! I did have the coil (too much info I know) but it failed me! Anyway, we were both so so happy! We knew it wasn’t part of our plan yet, but we always knew that things don’t always go to plan! So that’s why we aren’t married yet, other things took priority, and I don’t feel as though I want to marry for security etc as some have mentioned. I want to marry because we love each other and want to share that commitment. I know some will bash for that but that’s how I see it. We got as much of the house and garden done while I was pregnant, and the rest is still work in progress, but aren’t things always!? DP still got to do the things he wanted because he earned a lot. And I don’t mind that at all, he’s done a lot for me, he works hard for his money, and he has the right to a life outside of home! I also still did stuff I wanted to even though I earned less, because me and my friends often gather for pamper nights and sit chatting drinking tea etc so it was never costing me a great deal, where as DPs enjoyments do cost more, but so what, he’s entitled to do they if he can afford it.
The house work etc became more my work, when we bought our house. I just kind of took it all on. I’m house proud and wanted it perfect always, so gradually it just became something I did. It was never discussed or anything, but as mentioned before, if I ask DP to do something or whatever, he does. But it’s never often I ask, cos I just crack on and do it and enjoy that. He did a lot of it towards the end of pregnancy cos I was just exhausted, and that was by his choice I didn’t have to ask. And the bills etc remained 50/50, cos that’s how it has always been and had always worked and I never lost out on anything due to earning less and paying the same, because as I said before, if there was something I wanted or needed, he offered to help.
As for those of you concerned if he took off I’d have nothing and no career... I’m not concerned about that. Because A) we are a pretty solid couple and always have been. And B) I’d be fine on my own. My job, I will be looking to go to a different hospital (because it’s too far away, and there are a few very very bitchy women I work with that I cba being around) but I’ll always have that career now. I will always be able to go back into it and could even just work in a practise until a job in the hospital near me comes up. I’m not worried about losing my career. When we bought our house, once saved etc, my parents gave us 15k to go with the money we had saved, so we could put a larger deposit down, it was a nice surprise as I had no idea they were going to do this, they had always intended to apparently but just wanted to know that we were capeable of saving ourselves first also. Anyway, we have a signed document written up by our solicitor, that in short, states that when we sell the house, the first 15k of the sale, comes back to me. And we cane up with that idea together and felt it fair because that 15k cane from my parents, so if we ever did spilt and sell up, it came back. So I’ve got that as a fall back (because my parents don’t ever want it back etc) and currently, we live quite a distance from my parents. But I just think, if we did split up, I’d move in with my mum and dad (not exactly great with DS but they would LOVE to have us) and then sell the house (which is both our names) and then I can restart life from there, my parents would be a great help with childcare as they’ve already said they wish I lived closer so they could help, because their working patterns mean I could work full time and still one of them would be able to have him. And I know I’ve said I want to work part time, but that’s because I don’t want DS with a stranger full time, my parents however aren’t strangers. So I’d be happy working full time while he is in their care. Anyway, I see all your concerns, but like i say, we are pretty solid right now but I know that if things went Pete tong, I’d be fine and I’d make it work. I’m not worried.
Another point some people raise is I say MY DS which I never even thought about when typing, and I feel overly conscious and I’m questioning how I type so I’m not bashed further 😂😂 but upon confiding how I type, I don’t know, I think I say ‘my’ instead of ‘our’ because it me typing. Not the both of us... if that makes sense. I dunno, I just think it’s odd for that to be analysed lol, if I called the doctor for instance for an app for him... I would say ‘hi yes, I just need to make an appointment for my son please’ I wouldn’t say ‘hi, I need to make an app for our son please’ not because I see him as mine and not his.... but because it me doing things talking, not US doing the talking... of that makes sense!? Anyway this point is baffling and I think it’s been waaaaay too over analysed haha.