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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

436 replies

TLBftm · 09/05/2019 19:16

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

OP posts:
Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 09/05/2019 19:51

Whilst you are looking after the baby and doing brunt of the work at home, he should not complain about providing for his family.

Absolute rubbish. So this gets just be ops decision 'do, be grateful I am staying at home. Doesnt matter if its jot what you want. You must be grateful'

Should she be grateful he is working so sht can stay at home a full year?

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 19:51

PunkRock Maybe she says my child because her DP is still behaving like a childless man? Spending his money going our drinking instead of on his own baby?

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 19:51

Oh okay then why doesn't he quit and she work full time then if that's the case claire.

Of course he bloody cares about his baby but that doesn't mean this should be sprung on them.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 19:51

She is not staying at home doing nothing. She is looking after a 9 month old baby and doing the housework.

Dermymc · 09/05/2019 19:52

Did you not think to plan for this before you had the baby?!

Why should he fund you with no notice?

Reverse the situation, if he left his job tomorrow and expected you to go back to work and fund him caring for the child, what would you say?

Nancydrawn · 09/05/2019 19:52

I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do

Biscuit
Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 09/05/2019 19:53

She is not staying at home doing nothing. She is looking after a 9 month old baby and doing the housework.

Who said she was doing nothing? But maybe he isnt happy with the set up long term.

Is he doing nothing?

Original poster
TLBftm · 09/05/2019 19:53

Ok so just answer a few of you...

When I’d put in for leave we just sort of went with 9 month as that’s all I’d get paid for. I did make it clear i wasn’t going back to that place after and he totally agreed, he hated me working there. And I’ve kind of come up wanting to take a year in my own head, and I thought it would totally fine, he says all the time he would love for me to never have to work again and just raise our DS (which I couldn’t not work ever again) so with him saying things like that, I guess I just thought when it came to it, a year off would be fine.

I think the majority of you see it different to me so maybe I ABU but like a couple have said, to me, it’s family money. He needs to step up and provide for his family no?

We discussed the bills etc early on and I basically said look a lot more will be expected of you money wise as physically my mat leave pay won’t cover everything it usually does. Things used to be totally 50/50 with money and what we pay for even though I take on the responsibility of everything else too... so I said to him he can either pay my share into mortgage bills and food and I’ll pay my deprecated debits and pay for DS or... I will still pay my share but I will have nothing left after that and so he’ll have to pay my direct debits and pay for the things DS needs... both the same either way in the amount of money he’ll spend per month so he said he wasn’t bothered which way we did it. I suggested he just pays bills etc and I’ll pay my own bits and DS then I’m not having to ask him for money all the time for bits we need. But even this he seems to be having an issue with currently? It’s a shock to him how little money he has to himself and he doesn’t like it, which is why I know the convo tonight won’t go down well.

I’m obvs in the wrong for seeing it as his responsibility to provide for us then, I do take onboard that it should have been discussed before but given the things he used to say about wanting me to be able to not work etc, I didn’t think it would be a problem

OP posts:
smithyssister · 09/05/2019 19:53

It's impossible to say if you're being unreasonable without more information about what's previously been agreed, your joint income v childcare costs etc.

However as an unmarried mother you'd be mad to give up an income. Your DP could leave tomorrow and his only obligation is to provide basic child support for his child (it'll be pennies)- not to support you, share his savings, compensate you for loss of earnings or provide adequate housing.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 19:54

Prequelle Op has tried to discuss it with him before now and he has refused to.
And I hardly think a father that prioritises going out drinking with his mates is good material to stay at home and care for a baby full-time. I have known SAHD and at this stage they were gaga about their baby and spending all the time they could with them.

No wonder expectations for dads are so low.

Passthecherrycoke · 09/05/2019 19:55

Yes I’m afraid I agree with the others- what If he just sprung on you that he wanted to go part time and needed you to go back full time to fund it? You’re trying to take the choice away.

For some people it’s not about how much you can afford, or, to put it another way, how much you can scrape by on. Some people prefer to be more comfortable and not have to worry about money or live to a strict budget. He might not want to give up his lifestyle to support a SAHP (although I take the point that you need to factor in the cost of FT childcare which is very expensive)

FFSFFSFFS · 09/05/2019 19:56

Has everyone missed the fact that at the moment the OP is PAYING EVERYTHING FOR DS.

And doing ALL the domestic tasks (BTW OP - google feminism - you will be delighted to hear that this is not women's work).

Its hardly springing it on him that the family will either need to pay significant child care costs or you will not work full time anymore.

Christ almighty - I think the bloke could be expected to recognise this himself.

But obviously its ridiculous that you haven't had a conversation about it. Ludicrous.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 19:56

OP you are not in the wrong, it is his baby too,
Personally though if he is already being like this about spending "his" money on his baby, I would go back to work, but insist he pays half the childcare cost and other costs for DS. I suspect your marriage will not last long-term and you need to protect yourself financially.

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 19:57

I’m obvs in the wrong for seeing it as his responsibility to provide for us then
You sound like you're from the 1950s.

He needs to step up and provide for his family no?
So do you. Not just unilaterally decide you're going to be a SAHM or a part time worker.

he used to say about wanting me to be able to not work etc, I didn’t think it would be a problem
When me and my DP say things like this we are usually talking about if we got a lottery win. I'm pretty sure you knew what he meant but are going to use this against him.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 09/05/2019 19:57

He needs to step up and provide for his family no?

Why dont you need to do that?

No it's not a mans job to provide for his family, while the woman does everything at home. Its 2019.

Being the financial provider is stressful. I know, I have done it.

Being at home is also hard. And no one should be forced into a certain role, by the other one.

CloserIAm2Fine · 09/05/2019 19:57

YABVU

You can’t unilaterally decide this. Your partner may also want to drop a day so he can spend time with your son. He may not want to pressure of being the sole earner, especially if his employment is at all precarious.

He is just as much a parent as you are remember! How would you feel if he said you need to work full time so that he can spend all day every day with his son? And that he expects you to pay for everything from now on forever more?

Whatever you do needs to be a joint decision. But then all money is family money, all expenses all family expenses (maybe with individual treat expenses). So yes, if you decide together that it’s best for the family if you are a SAHM then his salary would need to cover all the family expenses. And if you decide together that you will return to work either full or part time, then all household and child expenses including childcare need to be shared fairly, childcare is not solely your cost just as mortgage and bills are not solely his cost. But if you’re earning half what he is then 50/50 isn’t fair, so you’ll need to decide together on an arrangement that’s fair to both of you.

You presumably love this man enough to have a child with him, you need to have a reasonable adult discussion and be prepared to compromise

Passthecherrycoke · 09/05/2019 19:58

FFS Op says he pays food and mortgage? When she says she pays DD related expense out of her SMP I was imagining clothes, nappies etc. Not exactly a huge contribution, SMP is only about £500 a month

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 19:59

This thread is like the 1950s.
Woman paying for everything for DS, doing all the childcare, housework and cooking. Her DP is working, socialising and spending plenty of money on himself.
But the OP is somehow the unreasonable one?

FFS either this thread has been invaded by incels, or some of you really need to read up about feminism.

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 19:59

And I hardly think a father that prioritises going out drinking with his mates is good material to stay at home and care for a baby full-time. I have known SAHD and at this stage they were gaga about their baby and spending all the time they could with them

Is this what we are doing now? Making absolute shite up? Nowhere does it say the DP prioritises these things over his kid. He spends money on them, that doesn't mean what you're saying it does.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 20:00

Passthecherrycoke A pretty huge contribution when it is your only income, while your DP continues to spend 100s on alcohol and football bets.

Springwalk · 09/05/2019 20:01

God this thread.

Lets get this straight you are not taking time off to travel the world solo, you are still working whether this is looking after your child or paid employment. Of course you have every right to change your mind about going back to work now you have had the baby. It is quite normal to not want to leave your child.

Work out the cost of the childcare, cleaner etc and then minus the difference from your salary.

Your dp should be just as invested in the child as you are, and should be offering to cut back on his football, beer and betting to accommodate the changes now needed for you all as a family. If you feel its in your child's interests to be with you until he is one, then make the case.

If you have a typical job that you can return to, a few more months out will make no difference to your security.

You should be working as a team, with the child's well being at the centre of the decisions made. He needs to remember that you are not at home sunbathing, caring for a child is very very demanding.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 20:01

Prequelle Have you read the OP?

He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on.

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 20:01

FFS either this thread has been invaded by incels, or some of you really need to read up about feminism

Don't even go there. Feminism is not what you think it is if you think you can even use it as a tool in this discussion in this way

Treesthemovie · 09/05/2019 20:02

Housework and running the household is not just stuff "women do". Your partner should be doing some things in the house and it's unfair of him not to contribute, but then you seem to be saying he doesn't do it the way you like it.
Why does he not pay for things for your son already, why is that seen as only your responsibility? It's quite unfair to expect him to have the only wage coming in though, if that's not what he wants to do.

Missingstreetlife · 09/05/2019 20:02

Are direct debits for family expenses or personal debt? If for your debts then you should be responsible. In any case get loans and debts paid off, interest is wasted money. Didn't he realise babies cost money?
Don't be confrontational, be sympathetic but you should each be making sacrifices and having benefit of family life.,where is your spending money and his free time & vice versa?