AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

[TLBftm]

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

It sounds like he wants you back working.

Good luck for later - I hope you can both work this out

Sorry OP but I think YABU. Having a SAHP is a JOINT decision, you don't just get to decide you want to stay at home for longer.

Well I guess if he doesn’t do half the pick ups and drop offs their child will just be left at nursery until social services arrive to take over sensible women don’t step in to rescue perfectly capable parents who can’t be arsed to do their share do they?

My dp luckily is the opposite. He didn't want me to go bk to my work as it was making me stressed an very ill . He also added if I wanted to that's my choice or to get another job if I wanted to. But he liked the idea of me being home with dd and taking her places as I did with ds until school age
He pays for literally everything including my mobile and personal direct debits all household and food items etc. He's useless with money so I deal with his accounts. It's not easy but it works for us..if we go out we go together most of the time as our friends are joint. He does gamble, maybe 10 a week but not drink or smoke.
If i wanted to return to work being quite unqualified in things the childcare would crucify us as we have not much family help.

Dyme

So if your DH announced to you that he was giving up work to look after the children and graciously “allow” you to work full time, that’d be fine then?

No. But if he thought that him staying home with the children while I worked full-time was the best thing for our family, then we would sit down and have that conversation. In fact, we have had that conversation multiple times over the years when we revisit our current arrangement in light of dd’s current needs. For now, We have settled on me working part-time and him working full time. We would make more money if we switched because I am the higher earner, but we are both happy with the current arrangement.

Alexa I have known SAHD, they have all stepped up far more than OP's DP has.

Why would a women be happy for a partner who still spends his money going out drinking and in football bets, and does nothing to help her with housework, be happy to leave him at home full time to look after a tiny baby and do the housework? This is something I see thrown at mothers a lot. SAHD who are full-time step up when their babies are born. You don't get to behave like you don't have a baby and then expect the mother to be happy for you to stay at home and look after the baby full time.

I was a SAHM for many years and my husband the sole wage earner, however it was a joint decision and discussed in length before I even got pregnant. To make that decision and then spring it on your husband, then yes YABU.

whatever you earn will be eaten up in childcare.
Why aren’t both parents paying fees,prorata to what they earn
He earns more,he pays more.its not a 50-50 split
Her wages aren’t the nursery fees

Oh absolutely. I meant that the overall household income will be the same whether OPs or not so it makes no difference really and she might as well go part time after her year.

I don’t really see how he could complain about that?

It sounds like your husband was saying fine don't go back to the job you hate, find one you do like.

Yabu to expect him to pay for everything. If you can't afford to stay at home then I'm sorry, you need to work. It's a lot to put on your husband and should have been discussed properly before the birth.

Prequelle You are making things up. The OP has said that her DP already said he was happy for her not to work.
The issue is more about money and his meanness.

I funded my own mat leave from my savings.

You are not being unreasonable, you haven't said "if you don't let me do this I'll leave" you've just said this is what I would like to do. That's fine, you're being honest. With my first I thought I would like to go straight back to work, once I had her I never wanted to leave her, I told my partner this, we discussed it, I explained how I felt and why I thought it was better for baby, we talked about us both going part time so baby was always with one of us, he didn't want to, he understood how I felt and that it was good for baby and he wanted what was best for baby too. We worked through the finances and yes two kids later he supports us and I'm a sahm, never planned before but you can't plan your feelings.
Totally reasonable to explain why you feel like you do and try to work through the finances, even if you can't manage to be off the whole time you might be able to manage part time or he might want to do both part time.

claire

No I'm not. It was pretty clear that the DP was talking that in a perfect situation she would be able to stay at home, like thousands of us discuss but unfortunately can't do. Otherwise he would have come right out and said 'you stay at home'. OP has decided to infer that him saying 'it would be nice if you could stay at home' means 'okay you stay at home'. She, you and I all know that isn't the case but she's chosen to believe it as so.

Also on mat leave with my newborn and plan a similar set to what you’ve suggested.

But we spoke about this before we even got married or TTC! I always said I didn’t want a baby and to work FT. I didn’t mind not having a baby either.

I can’t believe you’re having this conversation now.

Neither of you are BU. Your POV are equally valid. You’re going to have to compromise.

Although I do think your OH should be shouldering the financial burden of your baby together with you.

In amongst all the madness that is this bun fight of a thread, you will never regret spending this time with your baby. Never.

Of course your baby is better off with you, and the time is precious for both of you. If he is a great father as you have said, he will be happy to make some cutbacks to accommodate this.

When the time is right you can go back to work on the terms that suit you all. If you are barely breaking even what is the point in losing out the time you could have had with your child?

I would be careful what you listen to on here, I am not sure what has happened to this thread, but do what you want to do, you are not being U at all.

I don't get this obsession with shipping kids out to childcare asap to go back to work.

Imo 'providing for the family' can also include providing care and nurture, and being there to look after them.

Life isnt just about money & work. Working isn't the be all and end all that some on MN think it is, the be all and end all is family.

I actually think if people changed this attitude we'd have a lot less people unable to speak to cashier's because SOCIAL ANXIETY. For example.

Look how many kids have issues nowadays. And look at the rise in childcare. It's not rocket science.

When I was a kid it was completely unheard of for kids to have issues.

IanPaisley You really shouldn't have. Your DP should have recognised that s/he needed to be paying. Maternity leave is about recovering from the birth, and then looking after your baby. Have you any idea of what it would cost in childcare for a 3 month old baby? Incredibly expensive. You met that cost all by yourself.

Rubbish Eliza. In many countries children are in childcare from young ages in far higher numbers than the U.K. and have been for decades. What adverse affect have you sent from that in the population of Sweden, Norway, USA, South Africa etc?

Honestly if someone posted on MN and said is a 9 month old better in a nursery full time or at home with a loving parent, nearly everyone would say with a loving parent.

OP - if you’d presented your financial calculations first you would have got very different responses. Definitely lead with that in the discussion with your DP - any mention of his “duty” to provide will not go down well.

(And it doesn’t make me an “incel” for thinking it’s unfair to just decide to stay at home. If the OP had said her DP wanted her to work full time AND pay for all childcare AND pay half bills AND do all housework, i’d Be sharpening my pitchfork: but she hasn’t said that at all. Just that [shock horror] her DP has expressed a preference for having some money to himself for his hobbies)

OP I’m sorry I have not read the full thread, but was so incensed on your behalf after reading your OP that I had to come straight on.

No you most certainly are not BU in any shape or form!!!

If this man doesn’t see it as his responsibility to provide for his family at this critical time, then he is an utter disgrace.

Why should you even have to raise this as a “tricky” subject? He should have reassured you about all this long ago. If he can’t even man up to provide for you and his child, then he has no business having a child in the first place!

He needs to stop thinking like a dimwit and put the needs of his child first and foremost. The toddler! Of course that baby will benefit from an extra day or two with you, He should want to do everything in his power to make that possible. Who cares that he used to have money for betting and “carrying over a few hundred?” He has a baby now, for crying out loud.

I am absolutely staggered that men can take this attitude and livid in your behalf.

I sincerely hope he changed his tune and profusely apologises for what he’s putting you through. What a nightmare. This is the last thing you need.

clairemcnam but that’s not what this thread is about - OP has decided she’s going to be the one doing this, without even a hint of consideration to if her DP wants to spend time at home with the baby.

Sorry “tosser” not “toddler” though both are apt.

It seems a very strange setup, looking at what the OP has said, her DP seems to think that his life wouldn't change much after having a child (complaints about not having the money he used to).

As others have said this should have been discussed before and you should not just assume you won't go back to work, you are suposed to be a team, agreeing things jointly.

I would pitch it as follows - I'm going back to work so lets sit down and work out drop offs and pick ups from nursery, paying the nursery fees, doing all the household chores. Then write everything down and let him see what's involved. You are a mug OP if you go back to work and carry on doing everything else, as children grow and go to school the amount of wifework increases massively. Your DP needs to step up here so that you work as a team.

Honestly if someone posted on MN and said is a 9 month old better in a nursery full time or at home with a loving parent, nearly everyone would say with a loving parent.

I agree with this statement. I am just surprised by OP’s lack of self awareness and lack of communication with her partner. As a PP said - I always knew I would not want to work when I had a baby, I would want to stay with them. So DH and I planned accordingly. I think the idea of just springing a large decision on a partner this late in the day, coupled with the tone of the post, is the reason for the type of responses.

Regardless, it’s not right that OP is paying for DC’s costs alone whilst DP pays for himself to have a good time.