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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

436 replies

TLBftm · 09/05/2019 19:16

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

OP posts:
Prequelle · 09/05/2019 20:02

Claire please do tell how they means he prioritises them over his kid? You're clinging at things to have a go over

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2019 20:02

He needs to step up and provide for his family no? You’re entitled & lazy
Actually,no.if you want a specific lifestyle you work too,you step up
No woman is entitled to be unwaged off with the baby whilst waged partner shoulders all the financial burden

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 20:03

Okay the 1950s is calling.

OP your DP should be in love with both you and your baby. He should want what is best for you both. That means prioritising spending on your family first. It also means doing what is best for your baby.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 09/05/2019 20:03

What wrong with him wantun got go out with his mates for a drink?

OP wants to act like its 1950 and for the job of if the earner. Thinks that's what men should. Thinks she should do all the house stuff.

If she wants to act like its the 1950s, why shouldnt he?

Or is it a case of OP gets what she wants......but he has to act like a 1950s father when it suits, but the more like a father living in 2019 when that suits her too.

Quartz2208 · 09/05/2019 20:04

I think OP you are getting a hard time - so he doesnt want you to go back to work but doesnt want to pay for everything - so what does he want.

Sit him down and talk it all through because you need to discuss:

Money
Childcare
Household duties
Parental duties
money to spend on self

All of this needs to be balanced fairly

And what is screaming out throughout your posts is he doesnt like the fact his life has changed - beers/mates etc and you not working may mean he has too.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 20:04

Lipstick Then the OP's DP needs to pay half the full-time nursery bill and half the cost for a cleaner and ready made meals.

Treesthemovie · 09/05/2019 20:04

Btw, if he is out as much and spending as much on hobbies and friends as he was before you has your son, that is all the more reason not to be entirely financially dependent on him. He should be cutting back, and this isn't the 1950s, get him to take some responsibility for looking after his own child.

Passthecherrycoke · 09/05/2019 20:05

But why shouldn’t he spend money on football and booze? As long as they can afford it, he doesn’t have to give things up.

Pinkyyy · 09/05/2019 20:05

I'm obvs in the wrong for seeing it as his responsibility to provide for us then

That is not his responsibility. If he chooses to do so, that's a totally different thing.

Fiveredbricks · 09/05/2019 20:05

Not being funny, but you've just grown and given birth to a child and are undoubtably doing the bulk of the childcare. Your husband can suck it up for a year and should in all honesty prefer his child to be raised by it's mother for as long as possible rather than nursery staff.

If baby goes to nursery - unless you are earning over £30k a year then you wont even be making profit tbh. Do the maths, see what works out the best.

But imo he should be happy to let you stay off work for a year and I think reality will hit hard when he's doing his share of wakeups and leapybehaviour crazy hours from your baby.

It takes two years for your brain size and bones to go back to normal after a baby ffs. You have physically given your all to grow his child.

If my DH had expected me to go back after maternity leave when it wouldnt have even made financial sense let alone emotional sense, I would've told him to f*off and had very stern words, to be frank.

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 20:05

I'll make sure to tell my partner that when our baby comes if I dare by some clothes, buy a gig ticket or spend money on my hobbies, I'm not 'prioritising our child' 🙄

SarahPickles · 09/05/2019 20:07

YANBU

I too am shocked at the responses.

Posters seem to think that feminism means taking on the entire burden of housework, the entire burden of child-rearing and half the burden of bringing in the income.

All the OP is asking for is the time-honoured division that untold millions of couples across the world have done for millenia. The man brings in all the money and she has the full time job of housework and childcare.

She only wants to do it for a year.

The man should start acting like a man, grow a pair and proudly be the breadwinner.

Merryoldgoat · 09/05/2019 20:08

I just don’t understand how this wasn’t properly discussed before the baby arrived - it’s hard to unpick it retrospectively and the emotions involved now the baby is here make it even more difficult.

You need to be realistic and dispassionate, both of you.

You need a proper budget for each of the scenarios so you can properly assess the best for your family money-wise.

I have zero concept of your earnings and outgoings but you will likely be ‘down’ a lot regardless so he needs to understand the changes properly.

ArabellaDoreenFig · 09/05/2019 20:08

Some of you really like to martyr yourselves on the alter of money don’t you- ‘having it all’ ie the career and the family shouldn’t come at the expense of the child. And no that isn’t a dig at working mums (im a working mum!) but there is a really skewed perception on mn that having a 30k+ salary is the be all and end all and kids should be shipped off to childcare to facilitate this. Childcare won’t damage children by any means, but spending time with their mum or dad is always going to be better.

Treesthemovie · 09/05/2019 20:08

Does the OP have hundreds to spare on nights out etc though? Seems her partner does little in the way of actual parenting of their son

fedup21 · 09/05/2019 20:08

I would have loved to have taken 9 months maternity leave, THEN had a year off and THEN gone part time! Sadly, we couldn’t afford it. Nor can many many people.

This is obviously not something you’ve talked about and he really sounds like he isn’t happy with it. You can’t make a decision like this on your own, just expecting him to stump up the cash.

clairemcnam · 09/05/2019 20:09

The reason OP wants tp stay at home with the baby is obvious. Putting a 9 month old in full-time nursery is not in their best interests. And the baby matters most.

Op I really do not think this thread will help you at all. I do think it has been invaded by anti feminists, probably from an incel forum elsewhere where they post about threads and goad each other to post on them.
These men want women to work full-time, put babies in full-time care, still do all the housework, and drop offs and pick ups, take time off for any sickness, and not pay a fair amount out of "their" wages.
You will sadly not get good advice here. You are only going to get a lot of woman haters telling you you need to go back to work full-time, and still do everything in the house.

Original poster
TLBftm · 09/05/2019 20:09

We have been together 6 years. Always paid equal shares. I am not objecting to what some of you have suggested...

I’d happily work full time and him look after DS. But that won’t work. He earns £24k per year MORE than what I do... so it’s best for OUR (since some of you have commented) DS upbringing plus my wage wouldn’t actually cover everything! NHS wages for you!

And I’m not saying I never want to work again, it’s an extra 3momth than planned. Granted it’s a shock to him. Fair enough we should have discussed it a long time ago, I agree. I want to work and provide for our DS but in my eyes, he’s too little to be shipped off yet, I want him to stay with one of us a little longer and not have to dragged out of bed at the crack of dawn 5 days a week to go stay with strangers etc. I aren’t opposed to him going part time etc it’s just money wise... it wouldn’t work.

I’ve figured out some figures today so go over with him and we are basically no better or worse off if I were to go back after 9 month and pay childcare! So really, the money he has for himself would pretty much just be the same. That said, if you are going to be the same money wise, wouldn’t you rather a parent looked after the child rather than a stranger?!

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2019 20:10

Yes they both work and both pay pro-rata for nursery,bills etc
Being a mum doesn't mean you absolve self of all financial responsibility because your a mutha. It’s not an entitlement

choli · 09/05/2019 20:11

He probably suspects that you have no intention of returning to work after a year.

Treesthemovie · 09/05/2019 20:11

Sarahpickles in my opinion there's nothing worse you could do than earning no money when attached to a man that does bugger all in the house or with his child but has plenty nights out etc. Just seems like a recipe for disaster. It's hardly a set up that has been time honoured for millennia, more like a set up that shafts women.

Prequelle · 09/05/2019 20:12

Posters seem to think that feminism means taking on the entire burden of housework, the entire burden of child-rearing and half the burden of bringing in the income.

Nowhere has anyone actually said that though have they.

FrangipaniBlue · 09/05/2019 20:12

In principle I don't think your proposal is unreasonable OP, but if I was your DP it's comments like this that would get my heckles up

He needs to step up and provide for his family no?

his responsibility to provide for us

Actually you BOTH need to step up and provide for your family and no it's not his responsibility to provide for you, it's your joint responsibility to come up with a way to provide for your family TOGETHER - it's not the 1950s anymore.

You come across as though you have a bit of an entitled attitude if I'm brutally honest.....

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/05/2019 20:13

I actually don’t think you are being unreasonable.

The impression I am getting is that what he earns is his and he wants you to return to work but I don’t think he has any idea of how expensive childcare is and probably thinks it will be paid out of your salary anyway and any money over you have will go towards bills

Don’t know what the costs are in your area but for a 2 year old (younger will be more) our local nursery (just googled the fees) is £73.85 per day open 50weeks per year so £1538.54 per month.

By the time you have paid for train fares and lunches and clothes etc How much would you end up with. Especially if he is difficult stumping up his half of the childcare fees each month.

A reality check might be in order.

He is pulling his face at you not working for a few months, does he realise he will kiss goodbye to £750 per month of his own money as soon as you do return

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2019 20:13

If I were to go back after 9 month and pay childcare! baby has 2parents
You split costs prorata,he earns more he pays more.its straightforward

Don’t be talked into giving up your career