To think my sister shouldn't put her stepson into care? (V. long)

[Feenie]

My sister recently took in her very emotionally damaged stepson. He is 6, and his Dad (my sister's ds) was not 'allowed' to see him for 5 years. Apparently the mother just didn't turn up at court and there was nothing he could do, (which sounds dubious to me, but there you go). Social Services got in touch with them 4 months ago to say his mother wanted him put into care because she has never bonded with him. So they took him in and at first he made wonderful progress. He's had a horrible life, was made to wet the bed rather than dare get out of it without permission, didn't know what a Christmas cracker was, had never been to the beach, suffered physical abuse, had his stepfather's mother scream at him that she hated him and wished he'd never been born, etc. At first he responded to the happy home my sister showed him, but recently he has regressed again, started wetting the bed again, crying when he has a bath, refusing to eat. All of which I am sure is very wearing, but to want him put into care? I just don't get it. To have shown him what a normal life is like and then to take it away from him is worse than his mother giving him away in the first place.
My sister insists that he would get proper psychological help in care, and that they aren't entitled to it while he is with his real father, so it's actually holding the kid back.
Surely the child is regressing again to test them out - will they give me away too? kind of thing. And they are failing him. To me, my sister married her husband as a father, and his son is their responsibility. She says he hasn't bonded with him (beginning to hate that phrase) and she has to think of the time it takes away from her two daughters (the youngest is her dh's) and their marriage. But at the expense of a defenceless child's happiness?

I think this is probably one of those situations where you can't possibly know the impact unless you have lived through it.

It does seem an extreme reaction, but this child sounds like he can't rely on either his birth mother, or his biological father to fight his corner.

How recently did his father (and your sister) take him into their home? I would imagine it would take a long and difficult settling in period before this child feels he is not going to be treated as badly as he was with his mother.

Agree that the not being allowed to see him for 5 years sounds very dubious indeed.
Tbh - wetting the bed at 6, crying and refusing to eat doesn't sound that bad to me; poor wee mite is probably completely confused.
Why wouldn't they get help because he's with his real father (am I missing something)?

Goodness.
I have to say that my brother works in chidrens homes (teenagers)and the stories he tells of children who have been shipped in and out of care, the sense of not belonging anywhere, the psychological problems they encounter later on in life. If your sister knew of this, if she spoke to my brother for 5minutes, she wouldn't even begin to think about this.
This poor, poor boy, of course he is gong to present problems to them. Why does she feel that her DD's deserve a "normal" life and not him? I do realise that this must be very tough for them, but they should honestly stick with it. My brother tells me about the teens in his care and the life that they have had/are having and I weep, because it is tragic.

I think so too - they've only had him since April. I just think his Dad shouldn't evr give up on his son. If he was setting fire to the house or knocking lumps out of my nieces I might get it, but all of it is very low level stuff, just hard when it's constant and you've got 2 other kids.

am a bit confused. hes your sisters stepson but his dad is your sisters son?

It's a situation you can't judge until you are in it. Maybe your sister is right and he will get more of the care he needs in care especially if he goes to foster parents rather than an actual care home.

Wisteria - they closed the case because he is with his real Dad and seen not to be suffering. So they get no help.

I think that was a typo - should have been DH instead of DS.

think that was a typo she meant dh not ds - confused me at first too!

Have they tried to access support via the GP rather than through social services?

mumof Slytherinsetc - he is my sister's stepson and her husband's son. Sorry for confusion.

Lizzylou - I wish that she could speak to your brother too.

Well I'd see the local HV for some help firstly, there are some great tips out there for bedwetting/ anxiety probs.

As you said before he's not violent or destructive and sounds like a sad little boy, who doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

Did your sis think it through properly before agreeing to take him? What does his Dad say?

Feenie, surely if they asked for help then they would get it? Have they actvely pursued this?

I know how hard this must be for their family and how disruptive, but that poor boy needs stability and love, if they got help then would they stick with him, do you think?

Dangerous beans - I asked her about the GP angle, but she insists they've tried everything. I am not sure that's true though.

Has she spoken to SS? it seems a snap judgement, almost like this poor boy is a toy that didn't quite work out the way they wanted. His father surely doesn't want to give up so easily?

they can push to get family counselling through their gp or assessments for dss via gp also, have they tried to get this?

I think you are right about him testing their love and his own security within their family. I also think that going back into care will teach him that nothing is for ever and that he may be unloveable.

However, like DB says, this is an enormous task for your sister and her dh and we cannot really know what we would do ourselves in such a situation regardless of the obvious ideals. Maybe the decision to take him in was not as well considered as it might have been but then there may not have been much time to prepare..?

I think if they cannot cope and if other children are suffering then this little boy will not do well in any case. What perhaps needs to happen is that some excelelnt communication is achieved so that he goes back into social care with a better knowledge of himself and some coping ability that will make him strong enough to deal with the situiation. He needs to understand that he is not being rejected as a person but that his behaviour is being rejected and that the people aropund him understand his limited ability to manage his own behaviour and love him nonetheless.

?

Well, it may sound harsh, but if they're not prepared to do everything it takes to help this little boy recover from his horrible start in life, perhaps he would be better off being put up for adoption.

i am a childminder and at the moment looking after a 4yr old who has just been adopted 6 mths ago
we are having real problems as he hits and kicks the other children and he has no language skills and easy as it is for me to say sorry i cant have him anymore i feel i will be letting him down and he is testing me and his new parents to see how far he can go before we send him away.
i dont know the little boys history and i cant say what he has been through but if i can help him feel sercure i will be doing my job

You sound like a fab childminder, dmo.

Cargirl - 'assessments for dss' - what does that stand for?
My parents have even offered to pay for private psychological care is she will reconsider, they are so horrified. My mum has asked me to find out what's available though - my sister insists she has tried all angles.
Imo, his Dad is a fucking useless twat. He 'can't deal with him', or 'doesn't know him'. I don't get how they can put the girls first. Why aren't they all equal?

can you imagine the impact on this poor child if he is sent into care now? There was a very interesting programme on last night about two brothers who were adopted after being put into care by their birth mother, and the long and harrowing journey their adoptive parents embarked on with the boys to see them through to some kind of stability and security. But one of those boys was violent and aggressive, and even then they did not give up. This boy doesn't seem to have that problem - the problems of bed wetting and crying and not eating seem entirely understandable given his history. The sense of rejection this child will have if put into care will be almost unbearable. Please try to persuade your sister to access some help through the gp - he should be able to refer the boy to the child psychologist.

But really they should not have taken the boy on if they felt they could not cope with the ups and downs - they really have to see it through with support it at all possible. The alternative with lead to confirmation of the boy's worthlessness, which would be disastrous.

your sister's dh is obviously not committed to his son, and that makes it very hard on your sister i can see. Terrible situation.

4 Months is not a long time to settle in to a new home for children who have not had to go through all of this to start with.
We have several friends who foster children and they can sometimes settle very quickly but others take 12 months or more.
Ask your sister to re-think as this little lad is communicating the only way he knows how to, wether that is consciencly or sub-consciencely, he obviously still doesn't feel secure in his home enviroment.
Is there any way to speak to the social worker who was on the case originally to ask for help? They are normally very helpful.
Or maybe try their GP who might be able to offer some help.
Good luck to them it must be very difficult.

She needs to contact SS, they still have to offer supoort, especially if theres a chance of having to place him back in care.
he needs help, love and support, not to be thrown back into the care system. Does your sister get a break? If her hubby has bonded with him is he helpful, or is she dealing with a trouble child that she has only known a short time?

HTH

Lisa