To think my sister shouldn't put her stepson into care? (V. long)

[Feenie]

My sister recently took in her very emotionally damaged stepson. He is 6, and his Dad (my sister's ds) was not 'allowed' to see him for 5 years. Apparently the mother just didn't turn up at court and there was nothing he could do, (which sounds dubious to me, but there you go). Social Services got in touch with them 4 months ago to say his mother wanted him put into care because she has never bonded with him. So they took him in and at first he made wonderful progress. He's had a horrible life, was made to wet the bed rather than dare get out of it without permission, didn't know what a Christmas cracker was, had never been to the beach, suffered physical abuse, had his stepfather's mother scream at him that she hated him and wished he'd never been born, etc. At first he responded to the happy home my sister showed him, but recently he has regressed again, started wetting the bed again, crying when he has a bath, refusing to eat. All of which I am sure is very wearing, but to want him put into care? I just don't get it. To have shown him what a normal life is like and then to take it away from him is worse than his mother giving him away in the first place.
My sister insists that he would get proper psychological help in care, and that they aren't entitled to it while he is with his real father, so it's actually holding the kid back.
Surely the child is regressing again to test them out - will they give me away too? kind of thing. And they are failing him. To me, my sister married her husband as a father, and his son is their responsibility. She says he hasn't bonded with him (beginning to hate that phrase) and she has to think of the time it takes away from her two daughters (the youngest is her dh's) and their marriage. But at the expense of a defenceless child's happiness?

Am doing everything in my power to help, but I don't live very near and she thinks we are all unreasonable. Nobody thinks she should do this, and agree that they shouldn't have taken him in in the first place.

Social services say there is no help available. My sister is a special needs teacher, so is fairly knowledgable about what's on offer. I still don't think she has tried the GP angle properly though, she was cagey about that bit (in the middle of screaming down the phone at me).

Without meaning to be insensitive to your sis as I can understand how overwhelmed she may be feeling at the mo, especially if her d/p is as much help as a choccie teapot - her unwillingness to accept that help may be out there, and insistence that she's tried everything when she clearly hasn't, says to me that she doesn't want the child. Although this is a horrid rejecion for him, living in a home where he isn't wanted will be a trauma on top of what he has already suffered.
Adoption may be a better option and hopefully he will find someone who is prepared to put up with some emotional upset and support him through it.

they will have to contact the social worker in the original case. AS soon as he/she knows they are thinking of putting him back into care they will be on the case again. If they really can't cope and your sister's dh is not committed i really hope they can find a loving foster family ASAP. If they don't I really fear for this child's emotional and mental welfare. Sorry, I know you feel the same Feenie, it is just such a sad situation.

agree Wisteria, children are'nt stupid and the boy will immediately pick up the vibes that he is not entirely wanted.

I can see it from your sister's point of view...if it suddenly transpired that DH had a child and he was suddenly sent to live with us, disrupting our nice family life I would be shocked and worried about the impact on my boys. If he was (understandably) a little difficult then even more so, gosh, wouldn't we all be challenged by this?

But truly, being sent back into care, only to be shipped from foster home to foster home to care home throughout his life, that will damage him for ever.

With patience, love and outside help, this little boy could thrive and get the childhood he deserves. If your parents have offered to help, why on earth aren't they taking this up?

Just can't bear for this child to be rejected again. He has nobody at all. That's so awful.

Surely your sis had SOME idea of what she was taking on before she did it? What about his Dad - does he have any views on this? Do SS just dump these kids on families who 'weren't allowed' to see him for 5 years previously .
I'm sorry but this is making me cross and very for this boy, it's unfair.

How sad. Poor little boy. Is he to leran that love is conditional. No one wanted him. Then he had a nice life. At the first sign of pushing the boundaries, trouble, he is carted off ?
And does sound dubious re dh and no contact. Plus if your sister is struggling, understandable, but what is the dh saying. Is he a bit weak and saying, yes, maybe he's too much trouble ?
Your sister should have thought more carefully and taken advice, before she started the process.

Send him to me. I'd love to have him.

Her mind is made up, Lizzylou. I think she has backed herself into a corner, defending a dh who is nearly impossible to defend. She says that her marriage would end under the strain of it all, and the child would end up in care anyway. I asked why he wouldn't end up with his Dad, and she said his Dad doesn't understand how to care for him.
Can't see their relationship lasting anyway - surely it would implode under the guilt? How could they be hapy at this child's expense?

dss - dear step son

I can really sympathise with where your sister is now, unless you've brought up a damaged step child you have no idea how tough it is.

Could you offer to have him for a week or so in the school hols asap to give her a break and perhaps a weekend once a month?

Family therapy is very good your sister probably needs to let out how she feels about it - ie this isn't what she signed up for, after all presumably when they married they never had anything to do with him?

Dh is iresponsible, and shouldn't have had children in the first place, possibly.

you are probably right Cargirl. I just hope they exhaust all possibilities and offers of help before putting back into care. i just get the feeling that Feenie's sister is worried that she will lose her dh if they keep his son.

So sad, the poor boy.

I do think that your Sister and her DH will live to regret this decision.

Poor you and your family too, you must feel so helpless.

What is your relationship like with your sister? Can you talk honestly about this?

and

Not brilliant - when she had one child I 'didn't know what it was like', cos I didn't have any, so my opinion wasn;t welcome. Now I have one I don't know what it's like having three, etc.
I didn't even get involved in this discussion until yesterday because a)I honestly thought she wouldn't do it, and b)anything I ever say is preaching and is like a red rag to a bull usually. As it is now. But she is tellig SS to take him back tomorrow.
I will offer to have him stay, but it's not very practical because I am 2 and a half hours away. She organised respite care herself, so they get a break on weekends, but still can't cope. My mum and dad have him sometimes, they think he is a sweetie.

oh no Feenie. I find it so shocking your sister is an SN teacher and is acting like this. I do hope she is just under stress and the boy is not rejected like this. Appalling.

Oh God, that is so very sad.

I could cry for that little boy

I am biting my tongue as she is your sister, but I just cannot see how she can justify this.

Nope. Neither can I.

don't suppose your parents could have him? don't know if that is a feasible situation...

perhaps at the end of the dy she just "doesn't like" him and she knows it doesn't matter what they do that isn't going to change

My mum quite often takes him, all 3 of them in fact, for the weekend. Her health is poor though, so it wouldn't be a long term solution.

yes is see what you mean.

I can see her worries especially about it affecting her own daughters. But the kid is 6 and far, far too young to be irretrievable iyswim...I mean he is very likely to grow up to be normally behaved if they start now.

I would agree that the regression is probably because he now trusts them enough to show his true fears etc. and feelings...it's now that they need to realise that this is a GOOD sign, it means he feels safe enough with them to let it out, and god knows he's been through enough to need to!

I hope they reconsider. Poor little mite is pretty much doomed I imagine if he goes back into care - though I'm not an expert by any means.

What did she expect tbh? Anyone who's taken on a damaged child will testify how much hard work, how many years of effort and calm reassurance it takes to rebuild 6 years of trauma. But most of those who stuck it out have seen results.