To think my sister shouldn't put her stepson into care? (V. long)

[Feenie]

My sister recently took in her very emotionally damaged stepson. He is 6, and his Dad (my sister's ds) was not 'allowed' to see him for 5 years. Apparently the mother just didn't turn up at court and there was nothing he could do, (which sounds dubious to me, but there you go). Social Services got in touch with them 4 months ago to say his mother wanted him put into care because she has never bonded with him. So they took him in and at first he made wonderful progress. He's had a horrible life, was made to wet the bed rather than dare get out of it without permission, didn't know what a Christmas cracker was, had never been to the beach, suffered physical abuse, had his stepfather's mother scream at him that she hated him and wished he'd never been born, etc. At first he responded to the happy home my sister showed him, but recently he has regressed again, started wetting the bed again, crying when he has a bath, refusing to eat. All of which I am sure is very wearing, but to want him put into care? I just don't get it. To have shown him what a normal life is like and then to take it away from him is worse than his mother giving him away in the first place.
My sister insists that he would get proper psychological help in care, and that they aren't entitled to it while he is with his real father, so it's actually holding the kid back.
Surely the child is regressing again to test them out - will they give me away too? kind of thing. And they are failing him. To me, my sister married her husband as a father, and his son is their responsibility. She says he hasn't bonded with him (beginning to hate that phrase) and she has to think of the time it takes away from her two daughters (the youngest is her dh's) and their marriage. But at the expense of a defenceless child's happiness?

Actually Feenie, what worries me here is that by insisting so much to your sister that that's not the way forward, she became more determined to do it.

If there were a way to give them some time on their own so they could think about the decission with a cold head rather than with an overtired streesed one...

it is a fine balance though between not insisting and abandoning the situation [and the child]

I feel really sorry for teh poor little boy, of course he isn't just going to be greatful and there isn't going to be an instant happy ever after...the poor lad has had a shitty life until now, by the sound of it....it will take a lot of dedication to get the child to change his behaviour, that he has learned by living in such circumstances.
I mean, would your sister give that quickly up with her own biological child if for whatever reason it would show difficult behaviour?
I know she has got a point that whilest in care that little boy would receive psycholigical help etc....but by no means is being in care the ideal situation for any child.
There isn't any stability in the life of a child in care, no matter how much Hones/Fostercarers, etc...try to give this....Fosterhomes often change because of Fostercarers circumstances changing or there being problems and either fostercarer or child not being willing to put up with things when things become tough, and in Residential Care homes despite the aim to get core staff and despite shifts being 24 hourls, to give at least some "stability" often they are understaffed and rely on Bank/Relief staff or agencies...so children have so many people in their life, etc....it's really unsettling.
I truely hope that maybe they are giving this more of a chance and hopefully through school or surestart or somehting like that they might be able to get the help they need, obviously the GP should also be of help.
This little boy needs a stable and loving home, he needs people that love him unconditionally, this is what every child deserves...
sorry...am ranting now...

You could read some earlier posts before you criticise me, Isabel:

"I didn't even get involved in this discussion until yesterday because a)I honestly thought she wouldn't do it, and b)anything I ever say is preaching and is like a red rag to a bull usually. As it is now. But she is tellig SS to take him back tomorrow.
I will offer to have him stay, but it's not very practical because I am 2 and a half hours away. She organised respite care herself, so they get a break on weekends, but still can't cope. My mum and dad have him sometimes, they think he is a sweetie."

The situation became urgent - THEN I became involved. She has me to help some holidays, my Mum some weekends and her friend who is a respite carer but does this for free for my sister. In fact, he has spent the last 3 weekends away.

I'm not saying she should abandon the situation, quite the opostite though, that she should find a more effective way to go about it.

i find it very hard not to feel angry about your sister and her dh, especially when you say he has already spent the last 3 weekends away. He already knows he doesn't have the same kind of life as his step/half siblings.

Quite.

"He's had a horrible life, was made to wet the bed rather than dare get out of it without permission, didn't know what a Christmas cracker was, had never been to the beach, suffered physical abuse, had his stepfather's mother scream at him that she hated him and wished he'd never been born, etc. At first he responded to the happy home my sister showed him, but recently he has regressed again, started wetting the bed again, crying when he has a bath, refusing to eat."

This is absolutely horrendous and has haunted me from your first post. What has been your response when you have pointed out to her and his Father what may happen to him if he is abandoned again. I'm sorry but has his Father no heart?

She has convinced herself that he will be better receiving professional help which she reckons SS will give if not living with Dad. Indeed, she says the way they are handling him may even be damaging him further, he is so screwed up.
Utter bollocks, but I guess she will have to justify it to herself somehow. My parents are going round tonight in a last ditch attempt to talk her out of it before she tells SS tomorrow. They also want to hear his Dad personally say "yes, i am giving up on my own son", because all this has come from my sister so far. Hope it works.

i cant believe this is going on. this is the first thread that has made me cry, shit its horrible. im

Jesus

Really is the saddest thread I have read on here. Poor little boy.

How hard can it be to love a child?

I still beleive that it is a bit unfair to place all the blame on your sister. The fact the father is not so obviously into the picture makes me think that she may have been dealing with the problems without much participation of the father.

Is he as involved as she is?

i really hope the child is not there when that conversation takes place. Or really sound asleep.

The blame is most certainly not all on my sister! Her husband is no use whatsoever. I believe that she is dealing with everything, from phrases such as 'he hasn't bonded with him' or 'he doesn't really know he's his father. Numerous posts have criticised his Dad, and not just me saying he's a knob, either!

WHat a complete pair of arses - are they going to do this to the girls if things get hard - a kid is yours forever regardless of the way they act and surely they can see he is behaving the way he is because of the way he has been abused in the past - it makes me feel sick that they don't have the mindset to go out and research what this little chap needs and give it to him - it may take a short time or along time but the rewards will be iomeasurable when they look back when he has grown into a decent happy secure litle boy.

How will the other children feel too - if they don't tow the party line will they be given away????

Can you send your parents around with you offering to have your sister dc for the first 2 weeks of the holiday or something - or just the dc if you are feeling brave? So in someway you can help the have positive time together including all 3 of the dc? Sometimes having lots of time without the "problem" child their (ie the problem in the parents eyes) just makes them resent having the child more when they are there?

I agree. This has got to be one of the most awful threads I have read in nealry 4 yeasr of Mumsnett. I really am very sad about it.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this, but 4 months does not seem very long to "bond" with a child you haven't seen for years. I would encourage your sister to stick with it for another couple of months and, if there is still no improvement, reconsider her position. I would say a year, but that sounds like a lot when you're in a situation you really don't like, so I think you just have to try to get them to keep on going little by little.

Has her dh done anything with his son one on one to help with the bonding? It's a two-way street at the end of the day...

Feenie, really hope that your parents are able to get your sister and her hubbie to give that lil boy anohter chance...and think the idea, if at all possible, of an offer of looking after the other children and giving them some time for good and hopefully positive one-to-one time with that little boy would really be good for all of them.

The dh is, i have to say, being a complete and utter . Does he really care that little for his child?

The other thing to point out is that he responded positively to her caring home environment once so there is no reason to think he can't do so again. Definitely agree with the testing theory...

If I am correct, Feenie has said, that her sister feels that her marriage is likely to collapse , partly becasue of little lad. Dh is a twot. Has shown no interest in his son for the first 5 yesrs and little since, by the sound of it.
I can not imagine, how this can ever be happily resolved.

also, maybe they could do a course to learn how to deal with a child that has come from such sad circumstances....maybe they could do the sort of course that one would do before becomign a Fostercarer, as that would maybe prepare them a bit better...as it seems that there is some angst around about making things worse...