To think my sister shouldn't put her stepson into care? (V. long)

[Feenie]

My sister recently took in her very emotionally damaged stepson. He is 6, and his Dad (my sister's ds) was not 'allowed' to see him for 5 years. Apparently the mother just didn't turn up at court and there was nothing he could do, (which sounds dubious to me, but there you go). Social Services got in touch with them 4 months ago to say his mother wanted him put into care because she has never bonded with him. So they took him in and at first he made wonderful progress. He's had a horrible life, was made to wet the bed rather than dare get out of it without permission, didn't know what a Christmas cracker was, had never been to the beach, suffered physical abuse, had his stepfather's mother scream at him that she hated him and wished he'd never been born, etc. At first he responded to the happy home my sister showed him, but recently he has regressed again, started wetting the bed again, crying when he has a bath, refusing to eat. All of which I am sure is very wearing, but to want him put into care? I just don't get it. To have shown him what a normal life is like and then to take it away from him is worse than his mother giving him away in the first place.
My sister insists that he would get proper psychological help in care, and that they aren't entitled to it while he is with his real father, so it's actually holding the kid back.
Surely the child is regressing again to test them out - will they give me away too? kind of thing. And they are failing him. To me, my sister married her husband as a father, and his son is their responsibility. She says he hasn't bonded with him (beginning to hate that phrase) and she has to think of the time it takes away from her two daughters (the youngest is her dh's) and their marriage. But at the expense of a defenceless child's happiness?

Can't she see he is just testing the waters with this "bad behavior" - children are not robots, they are going to act up even without the tragic start this LO has had. They test boundries all the time they just need security fgs. I can't let this thread go...it is so bloody sad.

another things....how would they want to the whole foster/care set up to be....i.e. would they still be happy to have regular visiting with the little boy and in longterm view maybe even re consider the whole living situation?

Sounds like she has a huge amount to deal with and with no support from her husband. Maybe the stress of it all has got to her and she can't think straight about what to do, so is making decisions she wouldn't normally?

How are things between her and her dh? It occurred to me that maybe if things aren't great there, there might be all sorts of feelings about that in the mix.

And could I add that my very lovely dh, who is a committed, loving and consistent dad and all round good egg didn't see his dd for 2 years because his x stopped him, and it took that long for the courts to sort it out. And he pushed and pushed for something to happen, so maybe it could take someone else who is less pro-active about it 5 years.

This has made me so sad- I cannot get this unhappy little boy out of my mind.
what a miserable existance.

Even as adults we constantly crave acceptance and affection from people- how destroying and damaging for a child to be treated this way. If he comes out of this without some kind of mental scaring- it will a miracle.

God help him.

it will be a miracle

Don't know if would help but Barnardoes do lots of counselling type work and work with foster families. Worth giving them a call I would say (we got in touch with them for bereavement counselling when my db died and my ds was having trouble coming to terms with it - they were fantastic) Maybe they would be able to help your sister and her family.

There is probably help out there but mostly you must hunt for it - it doesn't just appear unfortunately. Also another thought - SS do not want children in the care system and maybe if she does tell them how she and her dh are struggling they might get some support from them or be put in touch with other services. If SS don't know how much they are struggling they won't offer any help with tight budgets, but if they think they are going to have to take a child into care there may be lots of support to keep him with his family? No experience but just a thought???

Good luck. It must be so hard.

not sure but they might just "find help here"

taken from the website:

Family Support
Children and Family Social Work Teams

The Department's Children and Family Social Work Teams provide advice, support and social work to families - parents, children and other carers. They can provide access to a range of services designed to support families under pressure and to assist parents to care for their own children.

Families may need help for many reasons - for example, if they have a child with disabilities, when a child shows signs of emotional or behaviour problems, or if their child or teenager is getting into trouble with the law. Some children may be referred for help because people are worried about their safety. Our staff always try to work in partnership with parents and families. We aim to help parents (or others bringing up children) so that children and young people can be brought up by their own families, in their own neighbourhood and community.

We have a duty to protect children and young people from abuse and neglect and to provide help to families experiencing difficulties so they can care for their children themselves.

We work in accordance with the principles of the Children Act 1989 which give top priority to the welfare of the child. Sometimes, for the child's sake, we may have to look after a child ourselves, but we will, whereever possible, maintain children and young people in their own homes, or help them to keep in contact with their families.

Family Support Workers

Family support workers are available to assist families in their own homes at times of exceptional stress or crisis; they will work with the parents or other carers to help them improve their parenting and other coping skills.

Family Support Teams

Four teams make up the Family Support Service across Staffordshire. We provide short-term (6-week), intensive support during difficult times to:

Prevent a child or young person being accommodated by Social Services
or

Enable a child or young person to be reunited with their family as soon as possible following their accommodation

What do we do?

We work in a variety of ways with parents and their children on issues such as:

Social skills
accessing social activities
anger management
building community links
self esteem
building relationships
self confidence
supporting communication
behaviour
family group work
establishing daily routines
safety awareness
play skills

How do you get help from the Family Support Service?

If you experiencing family problems and need some support, first contact your local area social services office. You will get help from the Family Support Service if your area social work team decides with you that the service is appropriate for you. The referral will be made by the area team.

urgent, you're right - there are family support teams to help. They just need to ask for help.

It really sounds like they don't want help; that they want the 'problem' to go away.

When i was a children and families sw, we had a team manager once who summed up neatly all the 'cases' in the filing cabinets; that all the children were there because there had been a 'refusal to parent'. In some cases the refusal is blatant, in some it comes about because parents have factors that make them put their own needs above the children, like drugs or their own emotional damage.

But this seems a clear refusal to parent on the part of the boy's father.

It is haunting and horrible. But they don't sound committed to having this boy. I can't see how it can end well for the poor little child.

This is sad but I have tried to imagine if a child of dh's came to live with us and upset our easy going house and although I would like to think I would take it all on being honest I am not sure.I think her dh is more to blame than her though.He should move heaven and earth to make this work.I myself know that I would find it very difficult to love a child I didn't know especially if my otherwise good life was turned upside down by it.Perhaps she couldn't say no and thought she could cope?She needs help too

This has made me very sad too. My DS is almost 6 and being somewhat challenging but obviously it goes with the territory.

It's such a shame your sister is not open to discussing things - but more importantly to get her DH to participate properly in the parenting of his child. If the biological father is not making an effort with his son then obviously the son is picking up on this. He obv knows his dad is not interested so is behaving badly to force the issue. And of course he will be proved right - his Dad doesn't want him.

Of course your sister must be aware that if her DDs ever give any trouble her DH will be the same with them - especially her first DD.

I think if you even persuade your sister to carry on for 4 more weeks with some form of family counselling or parenting course as others have suggested, then maybe there might be enough improvement to continue.

I hope your parents manage to get somewhere with them.

I really can't add much more to what's been said already ..... but particularly agree with Honoriaglossop. This "lack of help" business is a smokescreen, it doesn't sound as if either of them want to deal with the situation, and TBH, I have some sympathy with your sister if her husband does nothing and expects her to take all the responsibility for his child.

You and your parents sound great, unselfish people, but what about the rest of the family .... and in particular, the family of this poor boy's actual parents. Where are the maternal/paternal grandparents in all of thsi ? What about aunts and uncles ? Is there no other family support ?

I really do get the feeling though that whatever "solutions" or support is offered, that this pair do NOT want this boy in their lives and will throw up obstacles at every suggestion proffered. It is so sad .... maybe, and hopefully, in the long run, he would be better off if he could find stability through adoption (as opposed to being somewhere he's not wanted) .... but of course, I appreciate that that outcome is not necessarily a guarantee once he enters the system.

Crying, wetting the bed, eating issues .... in view of how he's been treated, those things really don't sound insurmountable. I mean, they're hardly uncommon amongst children of that age who've had a "normal" life. I think they have seized upon the first excuse to get rid of him TBH.

hm...another thought coming...sorry....but, if it would come to it and your sister would really rather see the little boy in care, is there a possibility of family "fostering" him, i.e. maybe your parents or you yourself (as you both seem to be more committed to it)?
I know it would not be a responsibility taken on lightly and just caring about this little boy will obviously not be enough.

May I also say something though, I really don't think anyone can compare the "normal" 6 year old behaviour with that of a child that has had to live through the stuff this wee lad has gone through....the behaviour tends to be more in the extreme...not sure if that makes sense....

Malfoynomore - I wasn't for one minute suggesting that my 6yr old's behaviour is anything like what Feenie had mentioned. I was (badly obviously!) saying that even though my DS can be "challenging" at the moment, he is MINE and I love him - so he has unconditional love. I was feeling very sad for this other little mite who is the same age as my DS and through no fault of his own has been through hell and now when he should be happy, is likely to be let down again.

She says his parents support them, but I'm not sure that's true either - at the very beginning his sister was going to take him in, as no-one in his family thought his Dad would, all of which should have rung alarm bells at the time, I guess. But my sister insisted on taking him in straight away. i think she's had to cope with it all, is depressed because she never gets time for her own daughters, and is frightened she may lose her dh.

Good point CM - where on earth are the maternal family?
I don't mean this to sound glib but if people would just think before they create a life together..god this poor poor child.

I agree with the last part, but do you mean paternal family?

Buda, my comment was not just for you, more a general statement...as I found some posts to simplify it a bit....iykwim...!

Feeney, really hope that somehting will be sorted out. And really hope that those concerned will be able to put the child first.

I think laboheme meant the maternal family of teh Birthmother...

correct

Bunch of absolute psychos. The mother had an injunction out on HER mother.

oh no. So I take it she dosen't care much for her granchild either. Feenie you sound like you really care. I can only hope you remain in contact and help in whatever capacity you can. I sincerely have not been so affected by a thread in all my time on MN. I will be thinking of him.

Feenie do let us know what happens. so awful to think of this child being let down so badly.

Social Services should help, but the family may have to shout very loudly to get help as it all comes down to funding. SS may be willing to help fund some activities to give the family breathing space as well as the respite. They should get family therapy. SS certainly won't want him in care and should be prepared to help out. He needs to be referred to a paed that deals in child development and then on to CAMH's team.
I hate say but none of this will work if the child is just not wanted.

He may not get the services he needs in care, here they are offered mostly after adoption. Six year old boys are sadly not high on the list of most potential adopters.

Poor scrap