To think my sister shouldn't put her stepson into care? (V. long)

[Feenie]

My sister recently took in her very emotionally damaged stepson. He is 6, and his Dad (my sister's ds) was not 'allowed' to see him for 5 years. Apparently the mother just didn't turn up at court and there was nothing he could do, (which sounds dubious to me, but there you go). Social Services got in touch with them 4 months ago to say his mother wanted him put into care because she has never bonded with him. So they took him in and at first he made wonderful progress. He's had a horrible life, was made to wet the bed rather than dare get out of it without permission, didn't know what a Christmas cracker was, had never been to the beach, suffered physical abuse, had his stepfather's mother scream at him that she hated him and wished he'd never been born, etc. At first he responded to the happy home my sister showed him, but recently he has regressed again, started wetting the bed again, crying when he has a bath, refusing to eat. All of which I am sure is very wearing, but to want him put into care? I just don't get it. To have shown him what a normal life is like and then to take it away from him is worse than his mother giving him away in the first place.
My sister insists that he would get proper psychological help in care, and that they aren't entitled to it while he is with his real father, so it's actually holding the kid back.
Surely the child is regressing again to test them out - will they give me away too? kind of thing. And they are failing him. To me, my sister married her husband as a father, and his son is their responsibility. She says he hasn't bonded with him (beginning to hate that phrase) and she has to think of the time it takes away from her two daughters (the youngest is her dh's) and their marriage. But at the expense of a defenceless child's happiness?

That's all you can do Feenie. It's a tragic situation but one which happens all too often.
At least you have tried to help him.

Who does she get respite care from?
That would suggest that help IS available!!

I don't believe there is no help available, either - although I am sure it has to be fought for! I am sure the GP could refer them for family therapy, for instance.

The problem is she just doesn't seem to want to fight for it, and I really feel for you Feenie. April is SO recent...if she sticks with it, it will be fine, but if she and his dad aren't committed to it, maybe they will end up resenting him and being bad for him, like his last family.

Poor poor child.

And it must be agony for you.

Her friend does proper respite care, but has ended up doing it for free for my sister.
Agree she doesn't seem to want to fight for it.

To be fair to your sis - she seems to be being burdened with all of this, the guilt etc. The relationship does not sound the best between her and dh so what happens if they split? He would be abandoned again anyway. I agree the care system fails children because of the lack of resources and foster parents out there but if he has 2-3 years of the family life now and then is uprooted with his dad again (when his dad doesn't sound too great anyway) will that not cause more damage?

I ask because I had to make a difficult decision once to stop seeing my xp's dcs (I was the only one who thought of them as dcs though, he only cared about them when I was watching IYSWIM). It was the hardest thing I had ever done letting them go as I knew I was the only thing closest to a normal family life that they had but to stay in contact would have meant contact with him which was not possible. I still feel guilty about it and as if I failed them - which I did.

God, what a difficult decision, Wisteria. I think you did what you had to do in the circumstances, but I can totally sympathise with your feelings.
Interesting point re stability of their marriage anyway.

It was horrid Feenie and I still regret it 4 years on but I couldn't expect my dp to take me and my dcs and someone elses dcs on, could I?

The worse thing is I would imagine they are probably either in care or in prison now, they had no hope from where they came from. I taught one of them to read as I discovered he couldn't at 13.

Hang on a minute, everyone's saying what a bitch the sister is, but what about the child's father? How much help is he being? Also, Feenie, are you prepared to adopt this child, or have him to live with you? If not, why are you condeming your sister for not wanting him?

I feel for your sister. It sounds as if her husband is basically refusing to take responsibility of being a parent to his son.

If they are having respite care it sounds as if SS are involved; and would get more so, if the 'placement' was looking as if it was going to fail.

I don't doubt it's hard but has no-one talked to them about the stages of taking on a child - there is of course a 'honeymoon' period where the child is not quite themselves due to the trauma of loss and change; then often acting out behaviour follows. He will get over this. I've worked with kids in care and while therapy is important there is nothing so important as a loving and stable home.

I hope that your sister and her DH can be honest about what they're doing. Better for the child; NO WAY. Better for their marriage and their other children is how it seems to them at the moment I guess.

But if I were you Feenie I would tell them that I would not listen to a parent in this situation telling you that going into the care system was purely done for the benefit of the child.

The responsible thing to do here is to get SS closely involved with supporting. They've hardly given it any time at all. Jesus, I've had colds that have lasted for longer than this 'parent' (her DH) has given their own, damaged child.

I'm afraid I'm with Madamez on this. Much of the thread has been about what a horrible decision your sister plans to take but never in the thread has been mentioned what are YOU planning to do to SUPPORT her to continue.

Obviously, just telling her she is not right is not exactly helping, is it?

well madamez people have said that her sister is getting no support from her dh and he is suspect in the whole 'not allowed to see child for 4 years'. And no one is calling her a bitch. and even if Feenie did take him, first she'd have to clear it with SS and secondly he would still be uprooted again, and taken away from his other biological parent. He would still have been rejected first by his biological mother and then by his biol. father. I don't think you can just pass him around like a pet.

Do you think they would let me? I would seriously consider this. Are non-family allowed?
She knew he was a father when she married him. As much as I sympathise with how hard it is, he is his father's responsibility. And he is a knob, imho.

it is obvious there must be more support out there for feenie's sister and dh, even if you have to fight a bit for it, but they are not willing to get it. that is what makes me angry, combined with the fact the poor boy is only doing what you would expect, and the tiny period of time he has been there. The dh's behaviour is bloody depressing, sorry.

This is a crap situation for your sister, and my heart does go out to all of them. Tbh, I get a bit 'martyrish' in situations like this, because - he is a defenceless child - somebody has to stand up and be counted for him - it will take a lot of sacrifice and work, but I know I just couldn't do it myself.
adults who bring children into this world and leave them like this through their own actions should be , well.. I'd better not say...
THis is NO comment on your sister or brother in law op, really, but innocent children, and they way adultsform/treat them negatively is my bugbear

feenie you would be amazing if you could take him on. My guess is that you'd have to ask SS and apply formally, but maybe Ellie knows.

HAve you tried? have you volunteered to provide respite care?

I'm sorry and apologies in advance for what I'm going to say butif the only thing I was getting from you was disaproval I wouldn't let you participate either.

No ofense intended.

Feenie: it would be worth exploring the possiblity if it's likely his father would consent (and it sounds like his father would be fine with it) - becasue, technically, you're family-by-marriage after all.

I think it's wicked and weak to consider this at such an early stage (sorry - no time to post with more delicacy)

Careful Feenie, that presents a whole new set of problems for this child later on in life - why did you want him and they didn't, he is his biological father etc etc. Agree with Ruty he is not a toy in pass the parcel. Decisions need to be made slowly, and over time with the support and help of SS/ GP/ HV etc

No one is doubting your intentions here (well I'm not as I can see you are trying to help).

she lives 2 and a half hours away Isobel. Hardly just able to pop in now and then. And sister might not want to drive that far for respite care.

BTW, I think the one that should be preparing to do MORE about it all is the father. He has more responsability for the child than her, it is important he is supporting her properly.

I agree with HMC. Succinctly put.

Isabel, there is a limit to how much I can offer respite - I could easily help in the holidays, but at weekends it would involve a 5 hour round trip x2, with my 18 month old ds.

Okay, Wisteria, take your points about being careful, thanks.

I see... 2 hrs away is a good problem. But that doesn't prevent her by offering herself at some weekends, or even to volunteer paying for a childminder so sister could have a bit of time on her own?

oops crossposted.