To think my sister shouldn't put her stepson into care? (V. long)

[Feenie]

My sister recently took in her very emotionally damaged stepson. He is 6, and his Dad (my sister's ds) was not 'allowed' to see him for 5 years. Apparently the mother just didn't turn up at court and there was nothing he could do, (which sounds dubious to me, but there you go). Social Services got in touch with them 4 months ago to say his mother wanted him put into care because she has never bonded with him. So they took him in and at first he made wonderful progress. He's had a horrible life, was made to wet the bed rather than dare get out of it without permission, didn't know what a Christmas cracker was, had never been to the beach, suffered physical abuse, had his stepfather's mother scream at him that she hated him and wished he'd never been born, etc. At first he responded to the happy home my sister showed him, but recently he has regressed again, started wetting the bed again, crying when he has a bath, refusing to eat. All of which I am sure is very wearing, but to want him put into care? I just don't get it. To have shown him what a normal life is like and then to take it away from him is worse than his mother giving him away in the first place.
My sister insists that he would get proper psychological help in care, and that they aren't entitled to it while he is with his real father, so it's actually holding the kid back.
Surely the child is regressing again to test them out - will they give me away too? kind of thing. And they are failing him. To me, my sister married her husband as a father, and his son is their responsibility. She says he hasn't bonded with him (beginning to hate that phrase) and she has to think of the time it takes away from her two daughters (the youngest is her dh's) and their marriage. But at the expense of a defenceless child's happiness?

All this really make me want to adopt further down the line if we manage to buy a house.

THREATENING to place a child in care is iften the best way (sadly) to get the help you need- perhaps this lad could be given respite so they all get a break, together with access to a child psychologist? He would be entitled out of care, of courese he would. however the system is shite and its ahrd to fight and demoralising. there is a mid way though, and I suspect respite may be it. SS are likely to offer rather than want to ahve to take the child (poor mite)

Agree also that it is testing- it is a sign that he is beginning to settle

I do also feel sorry for the sister in this case: it's very hard to care for a troubled child that is not your own and sometimes it might actually be the kinder, wiser thing to do, to put the child up for fostering/adoption. Not everyone can cope with a troubled child, and sadly people who get pressurized into doing so when they don't feel up to it, are the people who may crack under the strain with tragic results.

I've been a member here for quite a while but never posted before. This thread rings so close to home. My heart breaks not only for your sister's stepson, but for your sister too. I am a custodial stepmother (and the only mother he knows) of a very damaged child and have been for over nine years now. He has full-blown attachment disorder due to awful circumstances and disruptions in his infancy and until you have walked in my shoes, you cannot imagine how difficult living with this can be. One of the manifestations of this is that the child is charming and endearing to other people but can be beyond challenging to a mother figure making the mother figure look to the outside world like an awful monster. Normal parenting techniques do not work. It sounds like your sister's stepson likely has attachment issues at the very least and she may not be telling you the full extent of his challenging behaviour if she is considering foster care. That said, help is available on the NHS but she will have to advocate, advocate and then advocate some more to get it it is not easy, takes a long time, and is exhausting.

My husband won't give up on his son, but what we face daily in challenges from this son strains our otherwise fabulous marriage greatly. We are terribly concerned about the effects of living with this on our other children as well. Having worked on this with social workers and psychologists, we are now looking at an intensive treatment program there are no guarantees though. Your sister needs your unconditional support to take on this challenge. I'm sure she would so welcome the respite you could give her sometimes. I would recommend a couple of books and websites "When Love is Not Enough' by Nancy Anderson and 'Building the Bonds of Attachment' by Daniel Hughes as well as www.attachmentdisordermaryland.com/ and several adoption sites have information about attachment. A list of symptoms and causes is found here: www.attachmentdisorder.net/Symptoms_Causes_Research.html

Please pass these by your sister too - she may recognise her stepson and be able to get him help for this. Good luck to all of you.

I have taught children with attachment disorder, by the sea, and it is so hard. You have my every sympathy.

Many of them exhibit exectionally challenging behaviour, often seeming to goad adults around them into rejecting them, they 're-create' the rejection that they suffered earlier on in life. Many of them also goad other children into lashing out, as they are so used to the role of victim. It is so hard to work with these kids, heartbreaking on times.

Thanks for that Bythesea.

Thank you, Bythesea, have passed that on.x

what you say is very enlightening ByTheSea. i am in awe of you and your dh not giving up and persevering with so much hard work in the face of a very difficult struggle. I suppose feenie's sister's step child may be exhibiting the kind of challenging behavious you talk about, but it didn't seem to be the case from what Feenie said, granted though, she may not know the full low down. I really don't know if I could cope in the kind of situation you describe, and it is easy to romanticize the whole thing from the outside.But like you say, there are support networks out there for this family, I just hope they exhaust them all before rejecting this child, something you, despite quite an ordeal, have not done.

You're welcome! And I meant 'When Love is Not Enough' by Nancy Thomas NOT Nancy Anderson. Oops.

Madamex youa re right really- there is a point at which people snap and giving up before that is in many ways an honourable thing to do (and I know something of behavioral issues as my child is violent as part of his SN, although I am fortunate to be his birth mother and have that bond that is enough). However, I do think that it makes esense toe xhaust those things that may7 be available- such as repsite first- as the best thing fro all is a balnce I would think.

bythesea you have my admiration, what a wonderful stepmum you are

I'm really not a wonderful stepmum. There are many days (this minute for example) when I question whether I can carry on. I keep trying anyway though.

It must be very hard but you have my admiration for perservering.

It really helps me to be able to talk to my sister about what really goes on and just having her empathetic ear even though she's far away and can't help me a lot in a practical sense.

Feenie, it is a characteristic of attachment disorder that he was wonderful at first and would have seemed to have made a lot of initial progress. MartianBishop was right that children like this beg for you to reject them in a myriad of ways. I get the feeling there is more to this story than she is currently letting on -- I don't think anyone talks about putting a child into care unless they really feel at the end of their rope. I don't know your sister, but if she is dealing with this, she must feel really helpless.

It can be quite scary to see how fast they regress back into their role as victim and rejectee. We see it with kids when they enter secondary school. Initially all seems well, but as the constant feed back tapers off, as they are expected to settle into a normal school environment, and thengs may get a little stressful they become 'hungry' for attention. And they all seem to revert into generating the sort of negative attention that they were used to in their 'rejected' life.

I have seen these children goad, and harrass exceptionaly kind children untill those kids rejevt them....it is hard to believe, but I have seen it over and over again.

They are sort of driven to 'prove' that the parent who rejected them was right....that they actually are unloveable. I taught one child who couldn't accept praise of any sort and would rip up work if you praised it.

I have never felt to sorry for a child, and be so uttely exasperated by a child at the same time. This child was simultaneously the most needy and vulnerable and sad child I have ever met, and one of the most unpleasent. And remember that at the end of the day I went home!

You have my greatest respect for coping with this ladies.

YESS! They are keeping him. They will use the SS conference today to request more help for them and him. So relieved. So he's off to the beach in a couple of weeks, which he loves. She won't be speaking to me of course, but I am used to that, an can take one for the team, as long as that little boy isn't passed on again like a football.
Thanks for all the support, aswell as the practical offers of help. Especially Bythesea - you are amazing.

Feenie that's very good to hear. So good of your sister to do this, particularly if she's not getting enough support at home.

I really hope this has a good outcome for them all: it's so important, but so demanding.

OMG this is fantastic news

I really Really hope they can find it in their hearts to give this poor child the love and support he needs.

I must admit to being a bit that a special needs teacher didn't realise that this was going to be a long, very hard and often thankless task. And that she didn't go thru her dh's responsibilities with him before taking the child in.

wow Feenie that is good news..do hope they all get the support they need and it all works out.

everyone with a aprticulalrly demanding child has a wobble at times, its understandable (ours tend to centre around boarding school LOL, I say right thats it he'll have to go at 11, Dh says OK then, the ASD one? I say no, something closer to home. Dh says, ok and we'll pop over some weekends. And I say Oh no, he'd have to be home every weekend. And most days...... LOL)

best of luck to you all X

What made them change their minds???

Because everyone around them was just so horrified, and I think my sister had backed herself into a corner, really. I am so relieved she has come out of it though, for this little boy's sake.

That's great news Feenie - I hope things get easier for your sis - what a lot to cope with x and a very brave decision.