To think my sister shouldn't put her stepson into care? (V. long)

[Feenie]

My sister recently took in her very emotionally damaged stepson. He is 6, and his Dad (my sister's ds) was not 'allowed' to see him for 5 years. Apparently the mother just didn't turn up at court and there was nothing he could do, (which sounds dubious to me, but there you go). Social Services got in touch with them 4 months ago to say his mother wanted him put into care because she has never bonded with him. So they took him in and at first he made wonderful progress. He's had a horrible life, was made to wet the bed rather than dare get out of it without permission, didn't know what a Christmas cracker was, had never been to the beach, suffered physical abuse, had his stepfather's mother scream at him that she hated him and wished he'd never been born, etc. At first he responded to the happy home my sister showed him, but recently he has regressed again, started wetting the bed again, crying when he has a bath, refusing to eat. All of which I am sure is very wearing, but to want him put into care? I just don't get it. To have shown him what a normal life is like and then to take it away from him is worse than his mother giving him away in the first place.
My sister insists that he would get proper psychological help in care, and that they aren't entitled to it while he is with his real father, so it's actually holding the kid back.
Surely the child is regressing again to test them out - will they give me away too? kind of thing. And they are failing him. To me, my sister married her husband as a father, and his son is their responsibility. She says he hasn't bonded with him (beginning to hate that phrase) and she has to think of the time it takes away from her two daughters (the youngest is her dh's) and their marriage. But at the expense of a defenceless child's happiness?

great post flightattendant.

She has convinced herself that he will have access to more help in care, and that it is the best thing for him, that only professional help will do - she 'knows' this because she deals with it every day.
He doesn't understand what a parent is anyway, so will be better served in foster care.
Bollocks.

this must be incredibly difficult for your sister ,she has a new child in her home who she clearly feels little affection for , shes aware of what an awful life he has had but at the same time she doesnt really like him and he has upset the balance of her previousley happy life . If i was you i would sympathise with her ,let her say all the horrid things shes thinking with being judemental but at the same time say to her that could she not just keep him for another twelve weeks ( weeks always sound better than months ) and that you as a family will do everything you can to support her. If she manages to get through another 3 months ,keep the support going and tell her how marvellous she is and how well she is doing and go for another 3 months ,do it a bit at a time .

God that's so sad. I was going to suggest respite care too, but if that hasn't worked I don't know what to think. I do wish she'd keep him

just to reinforce what others have no doubt already said... 4 months is far too short to have bonded with a damaged 6 year old. She needs to do some reading about bonding and attachment and start working on it herself.

He won't necessarily get psychological help in care - why would he. Most social services departments will bend over backwards to help rather than wait for the child to be put into care.

Just read that you think decision is made anyway. poor boy the only one who has no choices in all of this.

'he doesn't know what a parent is' so won't miss it? Can't believe she can be so cold hearted.

Children in care fail on just about every count. But I didn't quite follow this - is he living with his father and stepmother (your sister)? In that case it's his father's responsibility to look after him, not your sister surely?

omg this is so sad - the poor little boy

Poor little boy. He's only 6 FFS! To be written off by his father at 6 yrs of age after all he's been through.

I do sympathise with your sister feenie, but I think she's being very callous TBH. I know it's easy to say such things being removed from the situation but I don't think I could live with myself if I did that.

Am a social worker and I know that the outcomes for children in care system are very poor as a whole. He won't do better there. Poor little thing, no body wants him.

Oh and he won't have better access to help in care, he'll jsut get swallowed up by the system and become more and more confused and damaged and difficult and shipped from home to home because no one will want him and he'll feel completely unlovable. This is what happens. His father should be a man, take responsibility for his own son and get some help for them as a family. What about family therapy to work on the bonding process? A good attachment just doesn't magically appear overnight - it needs time and work and committment. Speaking as a step-parent (DSD mum died 2 years ago) I know that it takes time and work to look after a damaged and confused child, but the rewards when you make it work are amazing.
God I'm so sad for this boy.

Does the scenario sound feasible to you Ellie (as a social worker)? I mean the not being allowed to see him then him being left there for 4 months with no follow ups by SS r help with behaviour etc?

Sadly, yes. Social services are very stretched re resources and it is quite often the case that if things appear to be going well they will leave that case alone to work on more urgent stuff. However, if they are sensible in your area they will know that it is much better to support this family so that the child can stay with his father, where the likelhood of him achieving any kind of decent future is far better than in the care system. As for not seeing him for 5 years - not sure. Could be, especially if the boy's Mum is as abusive as uncaring as she sounds, she may have denied access to Dad. But he didn't exactly fight for him did he? But we don't know the full situation on that one.

It is awful that you are so under resourced. If SS knew that things weren't going well though, would they help? Maybe I'm naive (probably) but I would have thought the duty of care would extend a little further than 4 months, especially if there was a risk the child would come back into care; obviously impossible to give definitive answers without reading case notes I know but theoretically?

Feenie could you show your S EllieG's post of 11:54, maybe this would convince her...can you play to her heart? He will not have a better life in care, quite the contrary.
How can the Father live with himself....

How awful. How awful that an apparently ordinary father would be willing to see his son go into care for no reason whatsoever. Because he can't be bothered...

I would rather see my marriage collapse than see any child I had taken responsibility for be put into care.

Heartbreaking for this little boy.

i feel the same as margoandjerry.

How awfully sad.

Yes it should extend further than 4 months - such a damaged child should have had more support. Is so, so sad. I can never believe it when things like this happen, I don't understand how parents can do this, but they do, I see it all the time. And each time it happens it just reinforces to the child how unlovable they are.

it is just so terrible.

Does your sister's DDs are younger than him?

the only thing I can say is that when you get to take care of a child that it is older than yours bad behaviours are perceived more negatively because you have not been there. Obvioulsy the problem gets even bigger if the child has a history of abuse and other problems.

I wouldn't go in saying your sister is right or wrong, as every case is different and I have not been there 24/7/have enough knowledge to find out accurately what the problem is. But it seems to me that your sister may have taken a bigger responsability than she was expecting, and probably has now realised she is not qualified/strong/patient enough to deal with it.

It is all very nice of saying that we should tolerate everything from a blood relative (I certainly wouldn't give up on my son), but bear in mind that family links are unlikely to be particularly strong when contact was nil.

I think the better way to help her would be to give her some space or perhaps offer her to take the kid for an afternoon, etc. so she can get a little free time to get herself together. Considering she has 2 children and has just got a third one, she should be incredibly busy, could you try to help find resources to help her cope?

I think the idea is not to say you are wrong in doing that, but to say "How may I help you to make things more bearable?"

Firstly I haven't read the whole thread so apologise if its already bben covered but there is help out there.

If SS refuse to put in any help now and the placement breaks down then they are going to have to provide a foster placement and all sorts of other input. They are more likely to want to do the preventative work NOW as it saves a lot in the long run IYSWIM.

A lot of SS depts have Family Support Teams - a FSW could be allocated to work with the family as a group and /or the little boy on his own with the specific aiming of supporting his placement there.

There could be other help available from Childrens Centres, Surestart (who also offer Family Support work in some areas), Psychologist (accessed through SS , Health or Education and can support adults involved as well as child)

Utimately though the SW should be dealing with it, supporting your sister and making sure they are offered all of the above.

She is adamant that SS won't offer any help. My eldest niece is 6 aswell, and the youngest is 16 months.

Why don't you call her SS department to enquire what their policies and procedures are? You can pretend you're doing a thesis/ or writing a book on it or something if you don't want to give names

oh dear god how horrific
I feel for your situation feenie.
your sister is delusional to think this is the best thing for him.
I am sure she could access help if she really wanted it.
in then years time when he is completely off the rails she will not doubt say, you see he was not owrth bothering with.
that's probably harsh I know

I actually believe her on the SS front - I am a teacher aswell, and have had enough dealings to know how ready they are to shut cases. Also a couple of posts on here have confirmed this.
What may work is using her threat as a bargaining tool to get the help they need, i have no problem with her pretending to SS that they can't cope and want to put him into care. But I think she is past this.
Have sent her this suggestion, plus a few posts from here, especially EllieG's at 11.54. Also a couple of contacts from her local PCT.
Can't think of what else to do.