To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

[TommeeTippedOver]

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

No. He needs to learn it’s not always about him

No. Sip is being ludicrous and her actions will eventually mean that her child is never invited to parties

Maybe not bu but maybe you could have given him a slice with a candle in it and he could have blown that out? Silk will have to start getting used to telling him no, as she's making a rod for her back if she doesn't.
Just forget about it and move on.

Well done, it's about time someone said no.

If course you’re not being unreasonable. Your SIL should be embarrassed by her behaviour.

Not in the least mean. You’re not required to pander to his parents’ behaviour. Not the kid’s fault, obviously, if he’s always allowed to consider everyone else’s birthday cake as his.

What a spoiled little brat. The birthday child blows out the candles. That's the whole point.

I’d have stuck a candle in his own slice and let him blow it out. He’s a little kid they love blowing out candles.

Yanbu

He can do the candles on.his birthday.

Yup you did the right thing.

I dont think you were mean.

No, what is wrong with sil? That's ridiculous that he wants to do the main 'job' of the birthday child. Especially when spitting and sticking his hands in the cake. At 4 he is old enough not to touch and to understand that it isn't his birthday.

Your SIL needs to set boundaries for her son. YANBU.

You weren't mean. SIL is being a lazy parent, giving in to what is a totally unreasonable request from her child rather than taking the time and effort to support him through the disappointment and teach him strategies of managing his expectations, and meeting his need to feel special in other ways.

He can't be allowed to steal every birthday child's thunder forever, and she needs to help him deal with that, and should have done so long before now - hes FOUR.

I bet every other parent who's child's birthday has been shanghaied by this woman's lazy parenting was silently cheering you on!

OTOH you had better try to get over your spit phobia before your own little darling becomes a toddler and starts gobbing on her cake when she blows (not to mention the joy of slobbery toddler kisses)

No, DN shouldn't be allowed to dictate things like that. He needs to learn that he only gets to blow the candles out on his own birthday. One of my grandsons, at the age of 3, had an almighty strop at his older brother's birthday party for much the same reason (and the presents) but he wasn't allowed to get away with it.

"but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once".

Entirely reasonable, and an appropriate response in my opinion. You have one birthday a year, it's pandering beyond belief to let him do it on everyone else's special day.

She needs to stop his entitled behaviour before he goes to friends parties, as this shit will not go down well with other parents or his peers.

YANBU. At 4, he's old enough to be told 'no'

If his mother wants to let him blow out candles at other children's birthday parties she could bring his own cupcake to put a candle in surely.

YADNB. Spoiled Little Nellie Olsen needs to sod off. The world doesn't revolve around him and he needs to be taught that by his parents. If someone else wanted to blow out my kids candles I would laugh and say, "Well of course not!"

I'm totally with you on the spit thing too.

For info my little girl is two and so we spend an inordinate amount of time now down on our knees with our arms round heaving shoulders explaining over and over again why she can't have/do such and such a thing, and how we are sorry she is sad, would she like a cuddle etc, distract distract. It's wearing and repetitive and sometimes you feel like you spend your life saying no, and you do need to pick your battles; but inconveniencing or upsetting others, especially other children, is a red line for us and she knows it.

yanbu. odd behaviour by your SIL

When we have gone to a party the host has relit the candles so everyone can blow out the candles together (2 year olds) which was sweet

But ic mine are told no they dont do it, she needs to tell him no

You are not unreasonable. But what about giving him a slice of cake with a few candles on it for him to blow. And he can eat his own saliva cake himself.

Yanbu. Well done for standing your ground! It seems you may have to do it a lot with them in the future given their level of entitlement and pandering

Strangely, DD's spit is the only variety I don't mind so far though I accept that I will probably have to buy a sacrificial Tesco birthday cake for parties when she's older, and the spit becomes, well, more spitty.

I did think I was perhaps being U due to my family birthday traditions being a little different from DH's- we didn't have much in my family growing up, but my DPs always made birthdays really special, and all about celebrating the birthday child. Eight year old me would have been appalled if someone else had insisted on blowing out my candles! DH's family is more "oh they're only kids, you can't stop them from wrecking things" but then they had more money, and broken things were easily replaced

Wow, SIL has really created a spoiled brat! That kid isn't going to be welcomed at many of his friend's birthday parties. YWNBU, the party isn't about him.