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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

327 replies

TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:08

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 09/05/2019 02:22

Am I the only one wondering why she doesn't let him have his wish?

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 09/05/2019 02:57

@catsinthecupboard
Are you serious??
You're probably the sil!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2019 03:34

YADNBU and you did the right thing.

SIL needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her DS, and that she cannot get her own way to thrust him into the limelight at every available opportunity. Her son also needs to learn this - but he won't, unless she does.

Any form of pandering/concession/compromise would not have helped here - and since the boy himself was less bothered than the SIL, it would have been completely counterproductive!

MonsterKidz · 09/05/2019 03:41

You did absolutely the right thing OP.

YouJustDoYou · 09/05/2019 03:53

Er no, not at 4.

Ilove31415926535 · 09/05/2019 04:06

Ah! I see we have the same SIL! Is jealous I have a boy, when I was just happy I didn't lose yet another pregnancy... Hmm and has said within earshot of her lovely girls, that she'd give anything to have a boy... Hmm
Nope, YANBU in the slightest. Someone has to set boundaries with children. Cake

WhiteDust · 09/05/2019 04:07

My brother blew out the birthday candles on my cake once. We were 6/7 maybe.
I've never forgiven him. AngryGrin

The birthday boy/ girl does the candles. Nobody else. It's their day.

Catchingbentcoppers · 09/05/2019 05:39

Flame away mn but nobody has a perfect child and if you treat your sil's son kindly, chances are when your dd is ornery, she will be kind.

@Catsinthecupboard How, in any sense, was the OP 'unkind' to her nephew? She simply said no to her SIL and that she was cutting the cake. It doesn't look to me as though the child was even in the kitchen at the time. If SIL was so desperate to kow tow to her own child, she could have put a candle in a piece of cake herself for him to blow out.

I have no patience for this kind of indulgent nonsense and working with children in a school, the children who always Get What They Want are as clear as day.

fargo123 · 09/05/2019 05:55

YANBU!

Good on you for not giving in.

Both SIL and nephew are spoiled self centred brats. SIL is also a shit parent to boot, setting her son up for a rocky ride if his bad behaviour isn't curtailed now.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 09/05/2019 05:58

What a twit your SIL is! She’s doing her child no favours by encouraging such bratty behaviour. Bravo OP for refusing to indulge such nonsense.

EstuaryBird · 09/05/2019 06:33

When we have a Birthday at Cubs we always put a bit of cling film over the cake before adding the candles.....nobody wants a spitty cake!

To all parents who indulge selfish entitled behaviour......you are doing your child, or anyone who deals with your child, no favours at all. You try taking a pack of Cubs on camp for a week when a third of them go into meltdown every time they’re told No...makes even the simplest task a long drawn out tantrum ridden stand off which just pisses everyone off. These children can suck the joy out of anything but it’s your fault, not theirs, just parent them properly, it’s not hard.

origamiunicorn · 09/05/2019 06:57

You really have to get other children to blow out the candles on his birthday, even do the singing too. Maybe the penny will drop then.

Fireballfriends · 09/05/2019 07:06

Part of the fun at our family birthdays is lighting the candles 4-5 times so all the kids can have a go blowing out the candles together. And sometimes we have a competition to see who can blow the most candles out in one go (kids 0-6yrs).

But the difference is we all do it and it's fun for everyone. And it's understood that the birthday child does it first. Any signs of tantrums or entitled behaviour would not be tolerated and as for touching the cake and pulling decorations off? No. That is unacceptable and even a two year old needs to be pulled up on that, let alone a four year old.

chocolatemademefat · 09/05/2019 07:17

Well done! At last a parent willing to stick up for their own child’s special day and say no to bratty behaviour. I’m with you on the spit - it gives me the heave

strawberrypenguin · 09/05/2019 08:03

I think you handled it perfectly. DN is old enough to understand that only the birthday child blows out the candles.

Bugbabe1970 · 09/05/2019 08:24

Little brat 🙄
Your SIL needs to shape up or she is going to be in for a shock when he’s older

Kittypillar · 09/05/2019 11:56

Can you imagine at DN's 5th birthday ... "Hey SiL stop, why you taking cake😆away? Hands up every child here who has had their own birthday cakes relit as you've insisted DN gets to blow out candles on their cake as well? Well it's now all their turns to do that for his birthday cake as that's what's fair ... Who's got the lighter for the candles? Now come line up children... You can all blow out DN's birthday cake as well.. Don't be shy as we know DN and SIL don't mind since they insist he can do it at your birthdays..." 😆😂😂🎂

Please do this OP 😂

Dartsplayer · 09/05/2019 12:17

Catsinthecupboard is definately the SIL!

EllenMP · 09/05/2019 12:43

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I like someone else's suggestion that you could have given him his slice with a candle in it to blow out to keep the peace. I think at four he should be old enough to understand it is not his party or his cake. It's time for him to understand the role of "guest."

Having said that, when I was a child we had a family tradition that the siblings of the birthday child (we were four children) also got to blow out the candles. This was only for the cake we had after dinner on our birthday with the nuclear family -- not at our birthday party with our friends. The candles were all lit four times so we could each have a go. We thought it was great fun and enjoyed my mom's struggle to get the last blow in before the candles burned down to the icing. It made us happy.

IHaveNoIdeaReally · 09/05/2019 14:13

Your SIL is raising her son to be a spoiled monster.

YWNBU

Huskylover1 · 09/05/2019 14:21

She's enabling her son to be an absolute Brat. It would be a big fat NO from me.

mrsdaz · 09/05/2019 15:09

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Lack of parenting going on with your Sil and not child’s fault his parents don’t teach basic manners.

What you could have done to diffuse situation is given a fairy cake or small cake with one candle and let sil do it with him on their own. The novelty will wear off if he’s not getting all the attention.

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/05/2019 16:18

I’m I the only one to think that a slice of cake with one candle wouldn’t have appeased SIL and DN at all? IMO, it was the grand, attention seeking gesture that they wanted. In any event, I don’t think there should have been any attempt to appease. CFs like this should be told ‘no’ very firmly.

TheMaddHugger · 09/05/2019 16:55

AlexaAmbidextra Thu 09-May-19 16:18:22
I’m I the only one to think that a slice of cake with one candle wouldn’t have appeased SIL

Of course it wouldn't have appeased Sil. It's not a whole decorated to the nines cake.

Chemita · 10/05/2019 12:19

I’m a bit of a lurker on these threads but this post has reminded me of my son’s 7th birthday. I’d made him a jellybean shaped cake with jellybeans around the base. The second I carried it out of the kitchen this one kid starts grabbing at the jellybeans. I tell him to wait. My son manages to blow his own candles out but then the kid returns to grab the sweets. The other kids, assuming it’s ok, grab them too and the cake is decimated in seconds! A moment later, a mum in a whiny voice asks if there are any more jellybeans for her daughter as she only managed to grab one. Flustered, as I was trying to grab plates and cut the cake while there was still some left, I muttered “yeah probably somewhere” so she proceeded to go searching through my cupboards! She came back and said she couldn’t find the jellybeans but had found some of those mini smarties that you get in the baking section, so had given those to her daughter instead! You can guess who daughter’s older brother was right?

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