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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

327 replies

TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:08

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

OP posts:
PinkDrink · 07/05/2019 09:00

This post has made me remember a child in my eldest dd's class who always used to do the same. It was a tiny rural primary school so they ended up being friends by default (only 3 girls in dd's year group) and came to sibling's parties etc, with the result that this child blew the candles out on all 3 of my kid's cakes for years. She was also the teacher's favourite - one of those spoiled confident kids who always gets the main part in plays and assemblies and gets picked for special privileges and it SLAYS me now to think that my dd went through her whole school life being the bridesmaid to this girl's entitled bride - even on her own birthday.

I am applauding you op for standing up to your sil and DN. Bloody well done. Hopefully others will follow suit.

diddl · 07/05/2019 09:00

Nope.

As a pp said, wouldn't even have done a candle on a slice.

If he lights to blow out candles, SIL can do that with as many cakes & candles as she likes in her own home.

But if it has to be done at others parties specifically, it's about him having musclin in on someone elses day-how does that even start?

Does she relight for other kids to blow his bday candles out?

Is SIL your husband's sister?

regmover · 07/05/2019 09:01

I know people will say it's daft, but I'm another one that has a thing about spit on cakes. I've turned down so many slices of birthday cake, even from adult parties. Or peeled off icing and thrown it away...

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/05/2019 09:03

I am shocked at the people bending over backwards to come up with ways to placate a spoilt FOUR year old.

No he doesn't get a candle. It's not his birthday. If his idiot mother wants to carry this BS on she can do so at home. Who cares if he was upset. Good. He needs to learn that while his mother is screwing him up others don't care and will not bend to his demands. He is not the most special snowflake in the room.

Youngandfree · 07/05/2019 09:03

Why do some parents pander to these kind of things?? Confused YADNBU OP, DN needs to learn he can’t blow out the candles on every flippin cake!! That’s insane!!!

Damntheman · 07/05/2019 09:03

it really wouldn't have hurt you to placate him

Are you kidding?? Of course it would have hurt to placate him. Then he learns he gets what he wants if he throws a tantrum and he can then forever override the birthday child on any given party. Ridiculous!

No you were not being unreasonable OP! And no I would not have compromised with a slice so he could blow out a candle then. It's important for this child to learn that this is not his day, he can blow out a candle on his own birthday. That's what makes birthdays special! Wow the entitlement!

NameChangeSameRage · 07/05/2019 09:03

Nope. 4 is well old enough to be told that he only gets to blow his own candles out on his own birthday. SIL needs to nip it in the bud now or she's in for a world of problems.

Illberidingshotgun · 07/05/2019 09:04

YADNBU.

At 4 he is perfectly old enough to understand that he can't do this. He can have a pretend cake and toy candles at home to play with to his hearts content if he wants.

I was going to say that YANBU barring any SN, but (having disabled children myself) I don't think that would "excuse" this behaviour. A child could still be taught to learn that it's not acceptable to blow out someone else's candles, and could be removed briefly from the situation if they became distressed over not being able to do it.

qazxc · 07/05/2019 09:04

I think the other adults clap and cheer to be polite, and because SIL tends to hop around going "ARE YOU GOING TO BLOW THE CANDLES OUT NOW DN? ARE YOU? ONE TWO THREE" and you can't not really, can you
Yes you can.
I would, either continue whatever conversation I was having or find something to busy myself. Certainly not sing or clap. It sounds as if SIL is as big attention seeker as DN, and the attention is only encouraging the behaviour.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/05/2019 09:06

I bet Kim Jong-un’s mum did the same thing

Geminijes · 07/05/2019 09:06

You did the right thing. Not his birthday, not his candles to blow out.

Out of interest, how did your DN react to you taking the cake away so he couldn't blow out the candles?
You didn't mention he misbehaved so I'm wondering if your SIL thinks he should blow out the candles rather than your DN.

ovenchips · 07/05/2019 09:07

Crikey, there was an easy way to compromise for your nephew in this situation (giving DN a slice of cake plus candle etc). This situation is really not a battle ot power struggle to be won, whatever you think of your SIL/nephew's behaviour in this circumstance. It's supposed to be a joyful event for whole family.

You do sound a wee bit precious about a birthday cake. It obviously wasn't going to bother your own child in the slightest, whatever your nephew did, given that she's still a baby. Anyway, you 'won' but personally I would have compromised and not been determined to teach a 4 yr old a lesson at a family party.

MissEliza · 07/05/2019 09:07

Well done Op

HomeMadeMadness · 07/05/2019 09:08

Lots of four year olds don't have great empathy and will get upset and frustrated that they can't blow out the candles. Especially if you have an emotional, strong willed child they might struggle with it. That doesn't mean you just let them blow them out every time. Once they're used to not being able to blow out candles they'll get used to it and not even think about it anymore.

Obviously it's SiL's responsibility to parent him not yours so I wouldn't intervene (and it won't make any difference to him if SiL indulges his every whim the rest of the time anyway) but you have every right to decide what happens to your cake which you spent a long time over.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/05/2019 09:09

@ovenchips no there really is no compromise. It's not his birthday. He is 4 years old.
There is also no battle of wills. Because SIL had no power there. She needed to shut up and learn to parent her child.

SarahTancredi · 07/05/2019 09:10

Some one has to at some point . 4 years is far too long for this nonsense to carry in for.

A compromise would be that SIL does it at home before or after the party. But then she and her kid wouldnt be the centre of attention then would they Hmm

SchrodingersBrexit · 07/05/2019 09:10

Hmm This type of stuff is so tedious. Why is she making everyone else take part in her ridiculous parenting?

Oh and I am with you on the spit. It makes me feel sick if people spit in the street. Or if I see spit. DD's slobber is the other slobber I can accept.

PositiveVibez · 07/05/2019 09:11

Wow. You really can't bear your SIL can you. Unfortunately, this is spilling over in to the way you feel about her child.

The way people are talking about this 4 yo on here is shocking. 'vile' 'horrible' 'enntitled'. He's 4 ffs and it's nit his fault he has acted like that. It's learned behaviour.

So fucking what if he wanted to blow the candles out. Give him his own slice with a candle on, you meanie.

The child is 4!!!!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/05/2019 09:11

Exactly. Far to old to be throwing a tantrum when he's told no at someone else's birthday party.

CIT80 · 07/05/2019 09:12

I would have just let him do it - in our family we always seems to be forever lighting the candles for the little ones to have a go at blowing them out - I thought this was normal

IceRebel · 07/05/2019 09:12

Crikey, there was an easy way to compromise for your nephew in this situation (giving DN a slice of cake plus candle etc).

It isn't that simple. For those who tend to act this way, a slice of cake and a candle isn't enough. And quickly blowing it out without drawing any attention isn't what they do. It's all about seeking attention and taking the limelight off of the birthday child.

No one else should be blowing out candle on a child's birthday, unless the child is a twin or the party is a joint celebration.

Kaddm · 07/05/2019 09:13

He will be invited to school bday parties soon and that sort of behaviour goes down really badly. She needs to teach him now, he does that only with his own cake!

Enix · 07/05/2019 09:13

I think he needs to be taught boundaries - especially at 4!!

I think a compromise, since your daughter is only 1, would be for him to 'help' her blow the candle out with you all since she is very little but tbh I wouldn't really even go for that if he's throwing full tantrums over it.

coconutpie · 07/05/2019 09:13

YANBU. Fair play to you. All the other parents in the room who have felt forced to pander to this nonsense at their own DC's birthday parties probably were silently cheering you on.

Perhaps at DN's next birthday party, you should suggest that every other child at the party gets to blow out the candles since that's what SIL expects at every party DN attends, that should teach her a lesson.

Jinglejanglefish · 07/05/2019 09:15

No I wouldn't have given him his own slice either. I have very little time for such spoilt, ridiculous behaviour. I wouldn't join in with such crappy parenting.