Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

327 replies

TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:08

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

OP posts:
CalmDownPacino · 07/05/2019 09:16

The way people are talking about this 4 yo on here is shocking

He can't see any of it so I wouldn't worry.

So fucking what if he wanted to blow the candles out

Well it wasn't his fucking birthday so he needs to learn that he isn't the centre of attention all the time, and when you are a guest at a birthday party then it is about the person whose birthday it is.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 07/05/2019 09:17

Ywnbu. Why didn't SIL nip it in the bud earlier, I suppose she would rather every other parent is the bad guy.

YemenRoadYemen · 07/05/2019 09:19

The child is 4!!!!

I think everyone well realises that.

4YOs can be complete pains in the neck.

MissClareRemembers · 07/05/2019 09:20

You could say, “of course DN can blow out the candles! As long as all the other children whose candles he has demanded to blow out, can each have a turn to blow out the candles at HIS birthday party!”

🤣🎂

Daenerys77 · 07/05/2019 09:21

Obnoxious spoiled brat. Her son doesn't sound very nice either.

WoahThereMama · 07/05/2019 09:21

Your SIL is being ridiculous and needs to nip this in the bud. Your DN is 4 and will presumably start going to school friends birthday parties soon - he can’t throw a hissy fit at every party.

User8888888 · 07/05/2019 09:22

It is brattish. I went to a toddler’s birthday party this weekend and all the little 2 and 3 year olds got the etiquette and sat nicely and clapped while the birthday child blew out the candles. I wouldn’t be tolerating that sort of behaviour from a 4 year old.

drspouse · 07/05/2019 09:22

Gosh, my DS has SEN and has always been hard to manage but beyond "helping" his sister he firmly knows that a birthday child gets to blow the candles out and would not have tried this even at 3 or 4.

wellballstoyou · 07/05/2019 09:23

OP you were entirely in the right and you handled it fine! silly woman.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/05/2019 09:23

Yes they can be pains in the neck. But as a parent you take on that pain. You don't abdicate the responsibility and demand others placate the brat.

TessaL23 · 07/05/2019 09:25

At my sons 4th birthday party we had to re-light the candles approx 6 times as each kid had a turn to blow them out. We sang them a happy birthday song each time as well. It was hilarious and all of the kids loved it. It's kind of a tradition now at our parties.

No one cares about your "fancy" cake ... next time grab a cheap one from the grocery store and let the kids have some fun. Save yourself your fancy cake so you can have it all to yourself and not have to worry about germs. I'm all about choosing your battles and I'm 100% on the kids side with this one. You sound extremely uptight and full of yourself.

Original poster
TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 09:28

DN didn't make that much of a fuss, actually. He grumped and whinged a bit, but that was it. We've had him quite a bit at weekends and he knows when he can and can't push I suppose. It's coming from sil - she panders to him. Sil herself is something of an attention seeker, she manages to make everyone else's events about her and her child. We waited five years for DD, the child we never thought we'd have. Sil cried tears of rage when she found out it was a girl - the only one in the family. So yes I probably was being precious, I wanted my child's first birthday party to be about her, and I wanted a slice of her cake! Grin

OP posts:
maras2 · 07/05/2019 09:29

Your cake, your rules Grin

Original poster
TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 09:30

No, I have never seen another child be allowed to blow out the candles at DN's birthday parties. In fact, SIL doesn't even cut the cake

OP posts:
Bezalelle · 07/05/2019 09:30

Well done, OP.

It's nice to see a parent standing up for their kid!

HomeMadeMadness · 07/05/2019 09:31

I do think even if DN had thrown a massive tantrum that it isn't his fault and people should have some compassion. If a DC is always allowed to do something and suddenly told they can't it wouldn't be unusual for them to be upset. It's the Sil who is to blame not the young child.

Poloshot · 07/05/2019 09:31

Good on you, sounds like an entitled lunatic

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/05/2019 09:32

@TessaL23 I actually hate this. It's so boring and tedious. I cringe watching the adults placate all the kids.

And I do actually care about the cake. Especially when I hear a parent has put a lot of effort into making it for their child.

We can't have those store bought ones because of allergies. So I care about our cakes as I usually have to make them or pay more for them. So no some snotty kid doesn't get to spit all over them. Especially multiple kids Confused

Damntheman · 07/05/2019 09:33

Have compassion? Yes. Give in and show him that throwing a fit gets him his way? No.

But the kid wasn't actually throwing a tantrum, this was all about SIL making her own little family the centre of attention and she can piss off with that!

SnowsInWater · 07/05/2019 09:36

You know YANBU (and congrats on your longed for DD btw Smile). Your SIL is adding her son to the many entitled children of that generation, as are the "he's only 4" brigade. It is really sad to see so many children nowadays who are genuinely bewildered when they come up against situations where they aren't treated as the centre of every's universe and they have no coping skills to deal with it.

butteryellow · 07/05/2019 09:36

Strangely, DD's spit is the only variety I don't mind so far

Kids are pretty much you for so long, I think they still feel like you're caring for your own body that these things matter less - I hate feeling anyone's warm breath on my face (romantic book descriptions make me cringe) - but my babies I loved it!

But you were not being unreasonable - you didn't make a big deal of it, but you set your boundaries fairly and firmly.

I think that this sort of thing really is a rod for your own back - if you let kids elbow in on other people's celebrations then it's going to be a problem every time, and next thing you know you're buying them an extra present on other people's birthdays, you're making sure they always have the pink cup, and generally making pain for yourself and others.

RSAcre · 07/05/2019 09:36

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

Absolutely not. SiL was by default asking you to do something you're not comfortable with, in order to avoid parenting her child. Kids have got to learn that sometimes it's "No", & also that other people's birthday's are about the birthday person, not them.

You did the right thing, but I wish your DH had cottoned on a bit sharper & supported you.

dellacucina · 07/05/2019 09:37

TommeeTippedOver

She doesn't cut the cake? This is actually almost more shocking to me than this candle blowing nonsense. No cake at a birthday party???

Original poster
TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 09:38

Tessa I can assure you that everyone did care about my cake, it was very nice Grin and it was a bit fancy precisely because it was really mostly adults at the party, and I wanted to make something a bit nicer than a Tesco cake.

I'm interested in what happens in your scenario if the birthday child said they didn't want anyone to blow out the cake. Which child comes first then? And have you ever actually checked that none of the children mind?

OP posts:
qazxc · 07/05/2019 09:39

Yeah it sounds more like an attention seeking SIL problem than a DN problem. Do not pander to her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread