Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

327 replies

TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:08

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

OP posts:
IceRebel · 07/05/2019 08:20

I suspect that the compromise of lighting a candle in his slice, wouldn't have been good enough for SIL. Behaviour like this is usually to show off, and I bet nephew would have wanted an audience when blowing out the candle.

aprilshowers12 · 07/05/2019 08:21

I think when you have a compliant one year old it's very hard to imagine how they will be at 3/4/16. I know it sounds as if your DN was being bratty but it really wouldn't have hurt you to placate him particularly if he was the only other child at the party. I don't mean let him gob all over the cake but it sounds as if it was the actual blowing out of the candles he wanted to do. Maybe he could have been given a little cup cake or a piece of his own with a candle in it.

Spudina · 07/05/2019 08:21

Wow. YADNBU. What's going to happen when he gets invited to all the school parties?? Although if he acts like that, he won't get invited to many!!

flumpybear · 07/05/2019 08:21

a spoilt entitled little brat - like his mother donut seems after her ridiculous reaction

Don't apologise, tell her what you told your DH and end it with 'he needs to learn his place at parties'

And yes to the disgusting spittle - vile and unnecessary lol 😆

Drogosnextwife · 07/05/2019 08:21

Well done OP, someone needs to let the spoilt brat know the world doesn't revolve around him.

InTheEndgameNow · 07/05/2019 08:22

I could understand if he was 2 and it was a one off, but at 4 he is old enough to understand it's not his turn. What is your SIL going to do in a year's time when he starts going to class parties? YANBU.

ImGenderfree · 07/05/2019 08:23

Your SIL is going to have fun when he goes to parties for other children once he joins school. YANBU it’s part of children learning the world doesn’t revolve around them. The spitting and putting hands in the cake is awful and completely disrespectful of your SIL.

Ohyesiam · 07/05/2019 08:23

He’s going to grow up very unhappy if he hasn’t got used to hearing no.

Birthdays are once a year for everyone. We all wait, we all get to be special.

Etino · 07/05/2019 08:23

@eosmum

“I’d have stuck a candle in his own slice and let him blow it out. He’s a little kid they love blowing out candles” good compromise.

Biancadelrioisback · 07/05/2019 08:24

Stick a candle in his slice is doable, but getting a sodding cupcake out for him? No way. I'm assuming you wouldn't have cupcakes as well as a main cake so you want OP do buy cupcakes in specially for him so he can get his own way? Fuck that. OP you did nothing wrong. At all. Although if it's always been that way and youre the first person to say no to this request then I can see how SIL just assumed her DS would get the honours. She was probably more shocked because you broke 'tradition'. Good for you!

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 07/05/2019 08:24

But what about giving him a slice of cake with a few candles on it for him to blow. And he can eat his own saliva cake himself.

If the sil wants that she should take her own cake to all parties. No one else should be expected to partake in this.

And dn really should learn that others peoples birthdays arent about him.

Original poster
TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:24

The cake slice would have been a good compromise, I didn't think of that. Though as a PP said it may not have been enough for SIL- I've seen her trying to get Happy Birthday sung again for DN as he blows out the candles, which so far hasn't happened, but everyone does end up clapping and cheering him.

OP posts:
Vellia · 07/05/2019 08:24

YANBU at all. Children need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them, and other people’s birthdays are a great place to start.

Though with my three dc, my MIL always insisted on buying ‘unbirthday presents’ for the non-birthday children whenever one of them had a birthday - because she was worried they’d ‘feel sad if they didn’t have anything to unwrap.’ It went on until they were at least 9 or 10.

CherryPavlova · 07/05/2019 08:24

Rod and back are words that come to mind. Placate a child if they’ve been subjected to an unpleasantness, perhaps. Plain bratty behaviour being tolerated is in nobodies best interests.
He’s four not two - too old for tantrums and being set up for problems with school and friendships. Poor boy.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 07/05/2019 08:25

YADNBU!

I used to hate this at kids parties when mine were small- candles being relit for other kids to have a go ... I never let mine do it (not that they ever asked) and you were well within your rights to put your foot down- even if DN wasn’t a spitter.

Good luck to your lovely SIL when her son’s a vile, stroppy, spoiled twelve year old and she can’t do a thing about it Grin

Creamegghunter · 07/05/2019 08:26

No yanbu at all and it’s not hard to see who he takes after if this is how his mum behaves.
It doesn’t do children any harm being told no.
I take it this is your dh sister if he is siding with her?

Handofglory · 07/05/2019 08:26

Yeah I’d have given him his own slice to blow out but then I still light the candles again so my kids can blow out each other’s cakes and they’re 10 and 7! (They obv know to wait and if they’d ever made a fuss during the birthday child’s song they would be in big trouble!)

Lorelei890 · 07/05/2019 08:27

I always had the opposite problem - my dd was terrified of candles when she was little so we’d have to ask another child to blow them out for her!

IceRebel · 07/05/2019 08:28

I've seen her trying to get Happy Birthday sung again for DN as he blows out the candles

This is batshit, someone needs to try it at her son's party and see what she says. Maybe then she'll understand how shit all the other children have felt, when some spoilt brat has dominated their special day.

Sux2buthen · 07/05/2019 08:28

There's something in the world called 'tough shit'Grin
Don't blame u one bit op

Andoffwegoagain · 07/05/2019 08:29

No YANBU. I have that child but it’s my job to kindly explain and firmly hold the boundary that the birthday child blows out the candles.

Children get upset for all kinds of things and I try to be compassionate to their big emotions in such a small person. But that doesn’t mean they get to do whatever they want.

Piffle11 · 07/05/2019 08:29

Oh dear YANBU. I had the exact same thing at DS1's first birthday: DH's DNephew - 4 - blew out the candles before we'd even stopped singing Happy Birthday. MIL was in charge of him that day and looked on proudly … my DM wanted a photo of DS with his first cake: we light the candles again, and same thing happens. MIL does her tinkly laugh, my DM is rather irritated … we try again, and DN, despite us telling him not to, is determined to blow out the candles. MIL says and does nothing, so my DH ends up grabbing the boy and moving him away from the cake. I think it's important for children to be aware of other people being made a fuss of on their birthday - my DM has now started buying a gift for BOTH my DC when it's only one of their birthdays. I never had a gift when it was my DSis's birthday, and I don't remember being put out, jealous, or horribly emotionally scarred by it.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 07/05/2019 08:29

I know it sounds as if your DN was being bratty but it really wouldn't have hurt you to placate him

Now, THAT’S being unreasonable

Creamegghunter · 07/05/2019 08:29

I wouldn’t even have given him a slice with a candle. If they want to do that they can buy cake and do it at there own house not piggyback onto someone else’s cake

Fundays12 · 07/05/2019 08:30

No SIL is being ridiculous the child whose birthday it is gets to blow out the candles end off. Her son is going to end up the child nobody invites to parties if he ruins them by throwing tantrums because he can’t blow out the birthday child’s candles.